OH lost his job TWO MONTHS AGO, only fessed UP EARLIER THIS WEEK

[Notgrumpyjustquiet]

I'm ruddy furious terrified utterly bewildered. He had been pretending to go to work every day but job hunting/ networking etc all this time but found nothing. We've got no buffer and if he doesn't find something in the next few weeks we'll be paying the mortgage on MY credit card. Why didn't he just tell me? I could have been supportive, not spent all that money on stuff for the house which just so could have waited. He just carried on regardless, let's go to the pub, theatre tickets, takeaways, all of it. I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. In all fairness he said he hasn't told any of his friends, family etc either, not even the ones who work or have contacts in a similar line of business who might, you know, be able to help him. Is this just male pride gone mad? I feel like I'm in a drama serial!

He's made inroads? Needs to be we. Were you there?

Being furious is natural and understandstandable. However it will achieve nothing. I think it's fair to say it':s okay to be angry at the situation and not your dp. His poor mind must have been in a turmoil. He was undoubtably trying to find the right moment and sadly the right moment never comes

OP it sounds to me as though you're handling this as best you can. You have every right to be furious and to insist on more transparency of finances. It wouldn't be LTB for me either although it would be hard work to get the trust and respect back for the lie. I rather suspect that the longer he left it, the harder it was to tell you. I'm not in the "poor bloke" camp at all, yes he's majorly fucked up, but if he's willing to do the donkey work to sort it out and change a few things, then I don't see why you'd end the relationship. Is he sorting out mortgage etc - the one thing I would say is that this mess of his making, so he really should be sorting it out rather than leaving it to you.

I was in a similarish situation many years ago - dh had lost his job, hidden credit card debt from me and then when he had a chance of a temporary contract turning into a permanent one he fucked it up by trying to talk his way into a different job. He didn't lie about the jobs but failed to mention the 5K debt (I know this may not seem a lot to some but it was a fortune to us at the time, we were living from week to week). I was livid, it took me a while to get over it but because he took steps to sort it out himself and insisted on open and joint finances, we were able to move forward, with the help of a loan from a relative. It's now very firmly behind us.

Good luck OP, I hope your dh gets a job quickly and that you will be able to look back this time next year and think, well that was shit but we got through it.

I am wondering how you haven't noticed his salary not coming in the bank account?

I'd be the same as OP - we have separate bank accounts but in 12 years of marriage it's never cause a problem and nothing sinister has happened.

I would be worried OP about him not telling you - however I've seen many men in my family be made redundant and it is a massive ego blow though none have lied.

In our case I was not earning at home with young DC and 6 months pg but DH still told me - and got a massive amount of support from me as he was really hurt buy the situation.

Two things did shock us - number of people who weren't supportive and were down right nasty about the entire situation, even those with such experiences themselves in the past, and number of people who encouraged us to spend on none essentials when we were cutting back to the bone. We were touched by the emotional and practical support we did get and often from unexpected sources.

The only issue I did have was DH refusing to claim benefits for 4 weeks after he was finally made redundant - he got a pay out just - he was getting job I interviews and really hoped that he'd get one before he had to claim. It was a nice lady of the tax credit line who finally got through to him that we should claim what we could - we were informing them about change in circumstances - nothing I said did.

So I suggest heading over to money experts, talk to the mortgage company, encourage and support your DH to go down the route the lawyer suggest very least a good reference, cut everything back to the bone and see if CAB can help you - an outside voice did help my DH.

Good luck OP.

If it helps DH being made redundant was scary - but it eventually led him to a job he's always wanted and pretty much given up on which paid more.

OP - sorry to come to this late, OP, but I wanted to offer you support. I can understand why your DH wanted to try to find another job before telling you - mine did the same, although he served a period of notice.

And your lawyer should be able to get something out of this - it may be wrongful, not unfair dismissal, and it is unlikely that the employer would want to fight if what for them is a relatively small payment could settle the matter, and also tide you over for a bit.

You have every right to be furious and to insist on more transparency of finances

^^ I do this in your place as the trust is gone. Though I keep a vague eye on things now even with separate bank accounts - if we lost the trust I think for my own peace of mind I've have to have access to everything.