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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH lost his job TWO MONTHS AGO, only fessed UP EARLIER THIS WEEK

132 replies

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 14/03/2015 20:25

I'm ruddy furious terrified utterly bewildered. He had been pretending to go to work every day but job hunting/ networking etc all this time but found nothing. We've got no buffer and if he doesn't find something in the next few weeks we'll be paying the mortgage on MY credit card. Why didn't he just tell me? I could have been supportive, not spent all that money on stuff for the house which just so could have waited. He just carried on regardless, let's go to the pub, theatre tickets, takeaways, all of it. I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. In all fairness he said he hasn't told any of his friends, family etc either, not even the ones who work or have contacts in a similar line of business who might, you know, be able to help him. Is this just male pride gone mad? I feel like I'm in a drama serial!

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 15/03/2015 15:02

The poor man was probably just desperately hoping to spare his family the fear & uncertainty that he has been going through. I can't imagine how hard to keep that secret for so long.

OP - I can totally understand your reaction but right now it's time to be practical, speak with the mortgage company & organise a payment holiday if that's possible. Apply for 0% credit card & estimate living expenses for the next 3 months. Your posts have been really well balanced so I am sure you have come to this conclusion yourself. It's time to pull together in partnership (and the read him the riot act at a later date!).

loveka · 15/03/2015 15:13

You are right they are not helping at all.

I have been in a similar-ish situation, like someone else further up we had a lot if debt run up without my knowledge- it was run up saving a business, well, trying to.

The money saving expert forums were a lifesaver, I am so grateful to people on there who provided practical and emotional support, and who taught me you can live on very little. I would really urge you to take a look.

It is such a shock to find your life has changed but you had no part in the change. I considered leaving; but I realised he had been trying to protect me. In order to get through it we had to work as a team. The lowest point was him sobbing in Citizens Advice, to a total stranger, saying he had ruined our lives

OddFodd · 15/03/2015 15:16

If the OP isn't working, they may not be able to get a 0% credit card.

OP - I think you should go to the CAB tomorrow (or get him to go) and check on entitled.to

finnbarrcar · 15/03/2015 15:22

What a horrible situation for you. I haven't RTFT but I hope you've been given some good advice. Get to CAB immediately and find out what benefits you're entitled to (if any) at the very least your DH should get jobseekers allowance and you may qualify for child tax credits and free school meals (assuming you have DCs who would benefit from this). Also, contact your mortgage provider about a payment holiday and transfer your credit card balances to a 0% card.

I don't think there's much point in speculating what your DH was sacked for if you are aware of it yourself, but I think it's important that from now on he is 100% honest with you and if you think he might be minimising the reasons for his dismissal, get to the bottom of it and start anew with a clean slate.

Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

Carambar · 15/03/2015 15:25

This reply has been deleted

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HeyheyheyGoodbye · 15/03/2015 15:30

What a terrible situation. You must both be devastated.

If you haven't already, I should try posting on Money Saving Expert to get some advice, and ring the CAB first thing in the morning. Also see if you can get some free advice from a solicitor regarding his firing. And if he has contacts in the industry he MUST use them to try and get something else, pride schmide!

I'm so sorry this has happened Flowers fingers crossed he can get something soon.

Jessica147 · 15/03/2015 15:33

The website www.turn2us.org.uk gives you an idea of any benefits you're entitled too, so make sure you check there.

PacificDogwood · 15/03/2015 15:53

I am very glad that he has told you what he was sacked for.
I sincerely hope the two of you get through this unscathed Thanks

Justyouwaitandsee · 15/03/2015 16:53

Another point worth mentioning -you say that an interviewer advised him to seek legal advice. Was this in a job interview?

The reason I ask is that I lost a job very suddenly in very traumatic circumstances. (I went from my boss discussing future promotion before I left for a week's holiday, to being accused of a huge number of wild and false allegations and dismissed on the spot on my first day back)

I immediately started job hunting and started out by being honest about the circumstances of leaving my last role, but despite being shortlisted several times the job seeking was ultimately unsuccessful and several of the interviewers advised me not to mention the situation in future interviews.

In the end, I spend a good chunk of time freelancing - which brought in good money, helped us survive financially, rebuild my confidence and mental health, build a great network of contacts and put distance between myself and my previous role. Could this be an option for your DH? If not, perhaps he could try not mentioning the situation during any upcoming interviews?

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 17:35

Look I know you don't want to hear this. I am wondering how you haven't noticed his salary not coming in the bank account?

Even if he is paid in arrears I'm thinking there should already be a visible gap of one month. I would notice that kind of money not coming in. It could be that the missing month is only just due, which puts his coming clean in a very different light if he was about to be found out anyway

Worst case scenario I worry that actually you don't have access to his side of the bank accounts at all.

Bugsylugs · 15/03/2015 17:38

Haven't read all the thread this is really common. So sorry op

ThePrincessButtercup · 15/03/2015 17:45

Very sorry to hear this OP, what an awful situation.
DH's lost his job last week but at least he told me! There's some good advice on this thread, amongst the hysteria.

I hope something comes up for him soon.

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 17:54

What I am trying to say amongst the other practical stuff, you need to see a proper credit report that lists his borrowing. make sure you know about ALL credit cards and borrowing before you ask to see statements.

The only two ways I can see that you wouldn't have seen a massive hole in the finances is either that you don't have access to them. or your DH has plugged the gap by borrowing somewhere.

GreenPetal94 · 15/03/2015 17:59

Give your husband a big hug and be glad he has told you now. It is a common reaction to think you'll find a new job and then tell people and obviously he knows he let it go too long.

Just try and support him all you can with hunting for a job. EG is his CV really selling him well. Temporary work might be a good way of bridging the gap and hiding he was sacked.

You could work out how to use up all the tins in the back of the cupboard and keep your bills down for now. Contact mortgage and bills and ask for
a payment break or instalments etc as appropriate.

Good luck.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 15/03/2015 18:38

Glad he's told you. Was it something minor you can challenge ? (You don't have to say !) if not there is loads of advice on hereto follow instead. Good luck with it.

NotJustaPotforSoup · 15/03/2015 18:44

What a shock!

I hope that none of the advice on here is news to you because he has already told you what he's going to do about the situation.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/03/2015 19:34

I presume he's been in denial. Telling you makes it real. And then...the longer he left it, the harder it got to tell you. I've heard of it happening enough that it must be a reasonably common reaction. So, I guess it really is a case of seeing what you can do together as a team, now you know. I would, in your position, be angry (and scared, and worried, and upset, and gutted, and bewildered)...but I don't think it would necessarily a deal breaker. At least, I'd hope I'd be strong enough for it not to be. because, basically, I think he's been labouring under a form of grief reaction.

Fairenuff · 15/03/2015 20:10

It sounds like you are OK with him lying to OP. Also that you are OK with whatever it was he did that got him sacked.

If that's not a problem for you then all you have to do is work out how you will cope financially. Will he get a reference?

Original poster
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 15/03/2015 21:05

I'm totally not OK with him lying to me, the situation has put us in is horrific, but I can't see what good it will do to kick him in the nuts over it. It's not going to get him another job, it's not going to make my salary stretch any further while he's looking and it won't get us any further away from losing the house. He knows he's completely ballsed everything up. He has pulled his head out of his arse the sand and is determined to put things right, financially and with me. I didn't notice the money not going into his bank account because I don't have access to it (nor does he to mine) because we have a household account for bills etc and I trusted him to manage it. That will change, I will pay more attention from now on. In the meantime we will be eating some pretty random teas with the stuff in the freezer and all non essential spending has been cancelled with immediate effect.

OP posts:
Capricorn76 · 15/03/2015 21:22

Well thank goodness you have a job otherwise you would've been totally screwed. Hope you manage to sort this out ASAP.

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 21:23

I didn't notice the money not going into his bank account because I don't have access to it (nor does he to mine) because we have a household account for bills etc and I trusted him to manage it.

Somehow I knew you were going to say that. Sad

I think the level of deception goes far deeper than most people have appreciated on this thread. Whatever you decide to do please at least wise up to the level of planning that has gone into this. He has deliberately abused your trust in his management of the household finances to conceal this from you.

Get that credit report. I would also if I were you check every bit of paperwork in the house, make sure you know what is on them.

It's not about kicking him in the nuts, it's about finding out the level of shit you have been dropped in. You can't possibly get out of the shit (with him or without) unless you find out.

No one who is living with someone, for there own security, should have so little knowledge of their joint finances.

Yes this absolutely is a deal breaker for me. But only because I know how much shittier it can get.

RandomMess · 15/03/2015 21:27

Hope it goes well with your mortgage provider tomorrow Flowers

SinkyMalinks · 16/03/2015 10:30

Horrible situation op - I think (fwiw) that you're being incredibly understanding about everything. I would hope I could muster the same in the circumstances.

I take issue with pp insinuations about the accounts. Why do joint accounts suggest "a deeper level of deception"?! OP has her own salary, they have joint funds for bills etc. This is a normal situation! I choose not to have an joint account with my husband and, yes, he is responsible for the mortgage. I do nursery and other bills. We wouldn't know if the other stopped paying, but that's ok - we trust each other, as obv the op trusts her husband.

Admittedly, things may have to change now, but deeper deception? Sheesh.

Original poster
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 17/03/2015 00:17

He's made some inroads today with mortgage provider & employment lawyer and got some more interviews lined up later in the week. Lawyer agrees the penalty was over the top and will at least be angling for a clean reference and we'll say no more about it, if there's no mileage in the argument that they've failed to follow their own process. He has absolutely no previous, not even a questionable sick record, in fact he only started claiming his expenses when I told him it was ridiculous not to. I've also managed to persuade him that would be employers are not his friends so when he is being interviewed he should avoid giving them the slightest hint that he might drop a bollock or be flaky so for God's sake don't tell them all about it (it was a procedural infraction, they were looking to get rid of people and we had had various ill parents, we both had health scares ourselves, massive problems with the kids etc that had pushed us both pretty close to the edge, over the previous year or so it was one thing after another). He knows he's been a tit but the last thing I want is for my utter fury to destabilise him any further, people on here who have advised me to focus on getting him/ us back on the rails are, I think, entirely correct. We can deal with the trust issues later. And we will, believe you me!

OP posts:
bluetinted · 17/03/2015 00:46

Just wanted to offer you my support. Dh did a similar thing a couple of years ago - he didn't get fired but he's self employed and his business went tits up very quickly, and he didn't tell me.

We got through it. At first I thought I couldn't forgive him but that was easy to do once I knew he had faced up to the reality of the situation. It sounds like you have both been under a lot of stress, and that can have a bad effect on someone's judgment. That was the case with my Dh's situation anyway.

The practical advice on here is really good. I'm sure you will be fine Flowers