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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH lost his job TWO MONTHS AGO, only fessed UP EARLIER THIS WEEK

132 replies

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 14/03/2015 20:25

I'm ruddy furious terrified utterly bewildered. He had been pretending to go to work every day but job hunting/ networking etc all this time but found nothing. We've got no buffer and if he doesn't find something in the next few weeks we'll be paying the mortgage on MY credit card. Why didn't he just tell me? I could have been supportive, not spent all that money on stuff for the house which just so could have waited. He just carried on regardless, let's go to the pub, theatre tickets, takeaways, all of it. I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. In all fairness he said he hasn't told any of his friends, family etc either, not even the ones who work or have contacts in a similar line of business who might, you know, be able to help him. Is this just male pride gone mad? I feel like I'm in a drama serial!

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 14/03/2015 21:34

I'd kill him. Why does he say he didn't tell you?

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 21:36

Well, I'd be furious and scared and bewildered in equal measure - so sympathies to the OP Thanks

And I am sure this has been/is very hard for her DH too, but I too would need more facts about this dismissal: it was either v unfair and ?unlawful, or there might be more than meets the eye IMO.

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 21:37

Oh, no idea what happened there! ShockHmm

Justyouwaitandsee · 14/03/2015 21:40

If you have been with a company for less than two years, they can get rid of you without any particular reason or warning and without any repercussions. Unfair dismissal only applies after the two years apart from in very specific circumstances (eg. Whistleblowing or proven gender discrimination) And from experience, I can say that most lawyers know this and won't even take on a case in such circumstances.

nachohousekeeper · 14/03/2015 21:42

Not all employers abide by employment law. Some companies take the risk and do whatever they want. He may have a case but I suspect he knows he won't get anywhere otherwise he would have done something about it sooner.

Sorry you are having such a rough time OP.

TigerSmoke · 14/03/2015 21:42

Amazed at all the posters who are adamant that he must have done something heinous to have been sacked. Have you never worked somewhere where employees are treated horribly / illegally? For all you know, the poor man could have been let go within his probation period.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 14/03/2015 21:43

Perhaps OP could clarify re his employment then ?

And we can post accordingly ?

professornangnang · 14/03/2015 21:44

Do you have a job yourself op?

Fairenuff · 14/03/2015 21:46

We need more info OP. How long was he in this job?

Bearbehind · 14/03/2015 21:49

Summary dismissal and just 'getting rid of someone if they've not been there for 2 years' are not the same thing.

The op said he was 'interviewed' prior to dismissal. That doesn't happen if it's a 'it's not you, it's us' conversation.

The chances are the reason he hasn't told told the OP he's lost his job isn't positive.

If genuinely you thought been unfairly sacked wouldn't you kick off about it?

Talkingmouse · 14/03/2015 21:53

Oh dear. As one or two others have said, you need to stay practical and focused, given your financial position. You also need to get him to face reality. The fact he hasn't told others in his industry, is being evasive with the truth, is 'humming and hawing' is a very bad sign re landing another job: even if he secures interviews, it sounds like he is not going to come over as a credible future employee. He needs to start being honest fast, with you and ideally with a close discrete friend in industry who can pull him together.

Lunastarfish · 14/03/2015 22:01

I've not read the whole post but your OH only has 3 months less 1 day from dismissal to pursue a claim for unfair dismissal so he needs to register with ACAS/see a solicitor ASAP.

Also, he generally needs to have been employed for 2 years before he can bring a claim

AnnieLobeseder · 14/03/2015 22:16

If my DH let stupid male pride get in the way of something as important as not letting me know for two fucking months that the family had no income, allowing us to merrily dig ourselves deeper into financial trouble instead of damage limitation, our relationship would be over. We're a partnership and there must always be absolute trust between us.

What planet do you "poor guy, cut him some slack" people live on? There's no excuse for hiding something this big from a partner you love and respect. It's not just his life that's affected by this, it's the OP's life and their DC's lives. He had no right to make such a selfish decision unilaterally. None at all. That's the move of either an utter coward or a man who doesn't see his wife as an equal life partner. I couldn't live with either type of man, especially with all trust destroyed.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. In practical terms, I'd suggest making an appointment with a financial advisor and your bank/mortgage provider asap.

And then a solicitor.

Fairenuff · 14/03/2015 22:20

The day to day lying must be hard to deal with OP. Did you ask him about his day during those months? Did he talk about work as if he were still going there? That's a heck of a lot of trust lost there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2015 22:30

Amazed at all the posters who are adamant that he must have done something heinous to have been sacked. Have you never worked somewhere where employees are treated horribly / illegally?

I have and had I been sacked for a minor infraction, as one of my colleagues was TWICE, I would have been livid, loud and complaining. I would not have been lying to my partner, not telling friends, trying to find something else, umming and ahhing about a solicitor.

It's his reaction that makes me suspicious. Had I done something really shit at work and been sacked accordingly, that would be when I would act like the OP's DH. It looks like a duck and quacks. I think it's not a reindeer.

RandomNPC · 15/03/2015 00:17

He's not the bloke from this thread, is he?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2270368-just-sitting-in-car

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/03/2015 02:51

Is he a proud man?

Well, yes, apparently! How much is his pride worth? More than his family having a roof over their heads? If a woman stuck her head in the sand and jeopardized her family's financial security like this I doubt many of us would be lamenting the fact that she didn't get to be a hero and 'save the day'. Two months with no income and now OP's credit card is supposed to keep them going... Don't leave anything in his hands now OP, he can't be trusted. Get some professional advice asap.

sykadelic · 15/03/2015 04:24

This is a huge breach of trust. 2 months of lies. I understand not wanting to stress you out but instead he's just stressed you out more. Money you could have had as emergency fund, wasted.

If there's any way for you to return things and get your money back I'd be doing that.

My husband lost his job many moons ago. Came home and told me immediately. Not only did he need my support, but he wanted to make sure we really cut back. It was a month before Christmas so it was a good thing he told me!

Mia1415 · 15/03/2015 06:21

I think this happens more than we realise unfortunately. I work in HR & many times over the years I've had men begging me not to send disciplinary invite/ dismissal/ redundancy letters to their home addresses as they were too scared/ ashamed/ embarrassed to tell their wives. I've often wandered at what point they do tell them. How long had he worked there OP? If more then 2 years it's highly unlikely he would have been summarily dismissed for something trivial I'm afraid. Did he appeal?

comingintomyown · 15/03/2015 06:27

I think keeping quiet for a week would be one thing but two months is a very long time to keep up the pretence of leaving for work . I'm afraid that would make me think he probably has done something deserving of being sacked and was hoping to get a new job to avoid it all needing to come out.

I would now be thinking he needs to put his pride/shame behind him and come clean on what happened so you know what you are dealing with.

We all make stupid mistakes but YANBU to be furious at how long he took to speak up.

BernadetteMatthews · 15/03/2015 06:32

What a total dick, I would be beyond livid.

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 06:41

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

He put all the family finances in jepody for the sake of what .... To save face. That is not him acting as if the family unit was important. And yes I too would be wondering what really happened

Unescorted · 15/03/2015 06:59

You have my sympathy. It is a huge loss of trust that you will need to rebuild. However at the moment you need to be practical. It will give you something positive to focus on rather than the lights of an oncoming train.

Contact all your creditors and explain the situation. There are also some great debt advice services out there which are free - payplan, debt advice service, CAB and the government website Money Advice.

Take advice from the likes of Shelter who will be able to advise you on what steps you can take to secure your housing.

Make sure he spends time looking for another job (and you as well if you aren't currently employed). Don't get distracted by the shit hitting the fan - although this is easier said than done.

Draw up a budget - cancelling anything that is not absolutely essential and making sure that every spend cannot be put off to another day.

Once you have got things in a bit more order you can then focus on the why he didn't tell you and sympathise / set about with a baseball bat as appropriate.

There is some fantastic advice over on the credit crunch threads.

For what it is worth my dh managed to rack up tens of thousands of debt before I realised. We are back on track and the trust is restored. I am not going to lie to you, it hasn't been easy but it can be done.

londonrach · 15/03/2015 07:19

Having gone through redunancy twice with dh i can tell it its soul distroying and i can see why op dh didnt say anything to op. He should have done but the fear of admitting it making it somehow real. Anyone watched the full monty! Shocked at some of you saying its a deal breaker (in different words) with dh. Do you have idea who this effects,affects (dam you dyslexia and not knowing the difference) and how much sucide is linked to it. Yes he should have told op but thats something to discuss calmly after this situation has been resolved. Yes id hate the lying but he and op need support now!

Right being practical the first stop tomorrow morgage people (can you take a break) then job centre to sign on. (Short term but help with council tax etc) Are you working op. Can you increase hours. Can you sell anything? Fb, gumtree selling sites, car boot sale. Look at food budget. Cut out anything you dont need. Get dh to get his cv out today (sunday good day to work on it), dust it off (loads of ideas on the internet) and he is to send a letter and cv to x number per day. Look on internet for jobs. If a suitable job going concentrate on that. Otherwise he need to Taylor the letter and cv to each company so could take time. Make finding a job a job working from 9am to 5pm with break for lunch which means go for a walk, go into the garden, sandwich(home made) etc for one hour. Can he talk to former employer, friends, contacts. Keeping fingers crossed op xxxx

Giantbabymama · 15/03/2015 07:20

My dad didn't tell my mum when he finished work suddenly due to ill health retirement because he knew she would go mental and hate the idea of him being at home while she was at work. He was doing the pretending to go to work thing but she caught him out by phoning home one day. Not very sharp, my dad.

Also, my oh got summarily dismissed for gross misconduct after 7 years. It was at the start of the financial crisis and we realised they just wanted a cheap way to get him out. So they trumped up a minor infraction to get him out - he did something which others in the company had done and got away with scot free previously. Despite what other posters say, if it's gross misconduct they can let you go without warning. It is worth checking with a lawyer but we didn't as we wanted to put all our energy into finding a new job for him, which could be what your oh is thinking.

It is his job and it's up to him whether he wants to take legal action or just try to move on. I do sympathise about him not telling you, that's awful, but I suspect he must feel humiliated and stressed and couldn't face it.