Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH lost his job TWO MONTHS AGO, only fessed UP EARLIER THIS WEEK

132 replies

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 14/03/2015 20:25

I'm ruddy furious terrified utterly bewildered. He had been pretending to go to work every day but job hunting/ networking etc all this time but found nothing. We've got no buffer and if he doesn't find something in the next few weeks we'll be paying the mortgage on MY credit card. Why didn't he just tell me? I could have been supportive, not spent all that money on stuff for the house which just so could have waited. He just carried on regardless, let's go to the pub, theatre tickets, takeaways, all of it. I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. In all fairness he said he hasn't told any of his friends, family etc either, not even the ones who work or have contacts in a similar line of business who might, you know, be able to help him. Is this just male pride gone mad? I feel like I'm in a drama serial!

OP posts:
hestialou · 15/03/2015 07:23

Sort out the mortgage holiday first, it's easier to restructure before a missed payment than afterwards, then get to bottom of what hubbys been doing. Because he should have had formal warning if wasn't gross misconduct.

Capricorn76 · 15/03/2015 08:48

OP if you don't have a job please get on the case now and get one for two reasons.

  1. You can no longer trust him and need financial security.
  2. It may take him ages to find a job especially if he's in a small industry and word get around he's done something bad (that's if he has).

Personally I'd hang around until everything was stable again financially then look to leave him. I wouldnt be angry with him over losing his job (depending on why) but I'd be furious he lied for so long that we could potentially lose our home. I don't think I could trusts him not to lie to me again.

AlpacaMyBags · 15/03/2015 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smarterthantheaveragebeaver · 15/03/2015 09:20

YY to those who've said he hasnt necessarily dome something heinous to get fired.

When I was about 21 I got fired, I forget what spurious reason was given. Found out a few weeks later from a colleague that it was because the person who had previously been in my role that had left to become a singer in a band, realised that she preferred having a regular income with an office job to a life of no money rock and roll excess and asked my boss for her job back.

fortunately for me it led to a much better opportunity. Hope the same can be said for tour OH, OP Flowers

Original poster
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 15/03/2015 12:17

Good grief I had no idea there were so many ball breakers in here. He's a dick. He's a coward. He's pathetic. Leave him immediately. Jesus, really? For the record, that's his reason for not telling me, that he was terrified that I would leave him hence him burying his head in the sand. I'm immensely grateful to all the people who have offered practical advice and moral support. We will get through this!

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 15/03/2015 12:29

People do stupid things when under immense amounts of stress. The man probably thought he could get another job pretty quick and all would be fine. Personally I don't think that is a reason to LTB.

OP I think you are being amazingly supportive. You know your DH the rest of us don't and if you feel albeit angry but understanding then trust your own judgement. Give him the opportunity to be honest with you about everything and offer your support and help him feel secure. You will both get through this because you want to and you will be there for each other.

Sorry this has happened to you both.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 12:43

First job speak to mortgage company. They will likely let you take a payment holiday or go to interest only as a temporary measure.

Have a chat will utilities providers too they might also take a reduced payment for now. Council tax also. Plus if no working adults you might be entitled to a reduction.

Anything you've bought recently take back if unopened / unused.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Totality22 · 15/03/2015 12:46

Good grief I had no idea there were so many ball breakers in here. He's a dick. He's a coward. He's pathetic. Leave him immediately. Jesus, really?

With all due respect you are the one that posted and you have to accept that to some people yes this would be a deal breaker.

If I was in your situation OP, my issue would be with the length of time the charade was kept up and the fact that I was still unaware as to exactly WHY my husband had been sacked. Not the fact he has lost his job per se.

Crocodopolis · 15/03/2015 12:50

Unescorted, great post.

Notgrumpy, my sympathies to you both. This is an immensely difficult time and I hope that it is soon behind you.

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 12:54

A few days ago you "knew" your dh was in work, you were reasonably financially secure and you were spending money on your house.

Today you know you're "D"H husband has not been at work for TWO months and you are deeper in the shit than you would otherwise have been because he lied to you for TWO WHOLE MONTHS.

You really know very little for sure about the whole thing.That might be the limit of the deceit, it might not. You'd have to trust the guy who has been consistently lying to you for TWO MONTHS.

I get why you would want to say whoops poor guy, really I do. It would turn your world upside down to think otherwise. It's much simpler to think he made a mistake for a WHOLE TWO MONTHS

It's not ball breaking to say lying to someone for two months and deliberately putting their finances further into jepody is unacceptable. It's about self respect and really also self preservation. Whoops is for breaking a vase or failing down stairs, not for being deliberately deceitful

you have had some great practical advice.

you posted on a public forum. don't have a go at the people who are presenting a point of view just because you don't want/aren't ready to hear it

suzzieanneba46 · 15/03/2015 13:00

Shame on you for all judging him when you have no idea why he lost his job.could of been bullied at work.

I can't think why you would ever spend money on tickets and meals out if you don't have a buffer at all? I always make sure I have a years worth to live off frugally before I start spending on luxury s.

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 13:01

actually I could get whoops for a week, I could understand whoops for a fortnight just. Maybe.

But two months?!?! That's the deal breaker

Capricorn76 · 15/03/2015 13:01

I agree with Totality22. Maybe if he lied for a week to come to terms with it but two months and you still don't know why he lost his job?!!

Also do you have a job to be able to cover the basics until he gets one?

ToffeeLatteplease · 15/03/2015 13:02

It's not why he lost his job that's the problem. It's keeping it quiet for two months

suzzieanneba46 · 15/03/2015 13:04

He's probably suffering from some mental health problems, can't blame him for trying to ignore the bad situation.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 13:06

Why he lost his job might be important it depends. If it was say for a genuine mistake in his work OP probably wont be too worried. If he's been committing fraud or been sexually or racially harassing colleagues she might care much more. If it is for something seemingly small contacting ACAS or a solicitor might be a good idea. Today is the time to sort out finances though as that needs to take priority.

dreamingon · 15/03/2015 13:14

Employers can dismiss for little reason unless employee has been there longer than two years.

My sympathies to you and your husband and I can see how it becomes two months as the longer you leave it the harder it becomes to tell someone.

Wishing you luck for the future but practically mortgage companies, utility companies, etc can be helpful if you let them know the situation asap

Dowser · 15/03/2015 13:15

My first thought was like Randoms...is he the guy sitting in the car but I think that was longer than two months ago.

My second thought was extreme sympathy. I hope it can be resolved. I hope your relationship can be repaired and I hope youcan get to the bottom of it all and the truth isn't as bad as the suggestions on here.

Just awful for you . Like everyone suggests , get your business head on first and stop the rot .

JustDerppingAround · 15/03/2015 13:16

If you read the debt forums on MoneySavingExpert or on MN you regularly see people who conseal debt from their partners. It's idiotic but it is understandable. Maybe your DH was trying to get something sorted before telling you. Yes, it's stupid but I guess, he just misjudged how difficult it would be to sort out another job.

I'd be sympathetic to him and angry at the same time.

LividofLondinium · 15/03/2015 13:21

Notgrumpy, I'm sorry you're having to face this, what a horrible shock! But, I do agree with those "ball-breakers" as you call them, who aren't doing the "poor guy" thing. It's not that we aren't sympathetic to him losing his job - it can happen to anyone and it must be very hard to cope with emotionally - but what some of us are finding very hard to sympathise with is that he kept it quiet for 2 months, while watching you spend money you don't have, which could leave you homeless. He put male pride (unless, of course, he actually did something really bad to warrant his sacking and that's what he was scared of reveling to you) above family security and that, to me, is inexcusable and the thing I'd go apoplectic at.

CrystalCove · 15/03/2015 13:26

Has he told you what he was sacked for?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/03/2015 13:27

What I would be angry with is him for carrying on spending money he fully knew would run out.

I hope he gets a new jobs soon.

OddFodd · 15/03/2015 14:21

He didn't tell you he'd lost his job because he thought you'd leave him? Doesn't have a very high opinion of you does he?

Original poster
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 15/03/2015 14:38

Yes he has told me what he was sacked for, I just don't want to elaborate on here because his mum/ sister/ colleagues/ friends might twig. And to all the people who are calling me a mug, you're not helping.

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/03/2015 14:47

Depending on exact circumstances he may well be penalised and unable to claim JSA etc. it would also affect any current tax credits etc so you need to notify HMRC. If he isn't likely to have an income for a while it would worth a budget discussion with CAB or similar. Is he accessing support to apply for other things and upskilling ?Networking can be good but slow, agency work may help tied him over.