aibu to stop seeing friend who "hates babies and children"?

[DecaffTastesWeird]

An old friend of mine has always had some 'issues'. She had a pretty difficult childhood. We met at uni and always said she didn't like kids. Since graduation she has married her longterm boyfriend and they live far away from me. She now says frequently how she hates babies and kids. My DH and I have just had our first DC. The friend wants to hang out but obviously doesn't want to meet our DD. She said she would be ok to see her as long as she can basically ignore her. On the phone recently (first time we have spoken since I had DD), she asked "she's not going to try and talk to me is she?" And other things like that (I know a baby can't talk but had mentioned to the friend how DD likes to chatter to people as if talking and how sweet it is). Anyway when she suggested meeting up I said no to her meeting DD and us meeting up alone but I am starting to think I don't want to see this friend at all tbh. She was so unpleasant about DD. I always knew she wasn't a baby person but this is something much stronger than that. AIBU?

The thing is op, if you have a new baby, for the next few years while they are small and high needs, they will take up a lot of your time and attention, and headspace. There's a good chance that career and hobbies will go on the back burner for a while, so not feeling you can mention your child will leave very little to talk about with your friend.

I try not to always "bang on about my dcs" with childfree friends, but they will talk about their careers and career plans, or their house redecoration, wedding plans, hobbies I don't share etc stuff that interests them that I'm not interested in. When you've just had a baby the biggest thing going on in your life is that baby, recovery from birth etc. in any other case, it would be normal to chat to your friends about the stuff happening in your life. With child-haters, even if you can keep the friendship going, effectively banning conversations around what's going on in your life makes it feel very false and hard to do.

She might well have mental health issues that create fear or hatred of children, but at least faking politeness and interest in her friends life isn't too much to expect.

zippey, I have a strong feeling that the two are linked, but I could be jumping to conclusions there. It's what has kind of stopped me asking her why she has this dislike.

Mary, you might be right. It may be that it's too difficult to edit my conversation enough to suit my friend. I hope not, in that I hope I can manage some decent child free chat and also that my friend can accept that DD exists and may get the odd mention. As you say it would be false and a bit farcical to completely ignore DD's existence.

YANBU. Her behaviour is totally rude. Some of my friends like things I hate, like dogs and experimental jazz. I don't go off on one every time they ask to meet up saying things like "only if you don't try and play me any of your crap jazz music, what a load of bollocks that is, why do you bother with it". I don't visit the dog owners at home, though!

Ach! Don't be bothering with her. She sounds full of herself.

My friend had her first daughter at 19. We couldn't have been more different me and her. She married and settled and I went and got drunk on a weekend and didn't have my babies till my 30's but guess what. We stayed in touch because we were friends. I often visited her to see her AND her ever growing family. It would've been rude and immature to not too. I wasn't remotely interested in kids but she was my mate and her kids made her happy and that was great to see. Friends Imo only want good things for each other. She doesn't sound like much of one.

The thing is op, if you have a new baby, for the next few years while they are small and high needs, they will take up a lot of your time and attention, and headspace. There's a good chance that career and hobbies will go on the back burner for a while, so not feeling you can mention your child will leave very little to talk about with your friend.

But equally, it's rude of parents to do nothing else but talk about their children because there's nothing else taking up their "headspace". We've all known them; the friend who's gone off and had a baby and that's literally all she talks about from that point onwards. For those not interested in children, and there are many, those friendships become tiring from the opposite perspective.

If people really have nothing else to talk about than their kids, that's really not much fun for the friends. Yet it's always the (generic) friends' fault for "not liking children" or not accommodating the parents' need to talk about nothing else, isn't it? They're expected to take a great interest in the ins and outs of being a mum, and the child's life, yet the parent thinks they don't have to do the same in return?

I know people who aren't particularly interested in small children or comfortable around them. But I don't know anyone who 'hates' them or goes on and on about it. It sounds like your friend is posturing and playing out a part.

By the way, I agree with Jemima. There's two extremes, and some parents go too far the other way and expect everyone to be interested in the minute details of their child's life, and for the conversation to be completely dominated by that topic.

Since having children (2.6yrs) i have not worked, not seen an exhibition, read a book, been to the theatre, eaten out much, have only been to the cinema once, hardly watch tv...Apart from my children, very little happens in my life. When i do go out/speak to people i have very little to say that i think someone may be interested in. If they ask what i've been up to recently i can't think of anything. I tend to ask lots of questions about them and rarely mention my dc (mainly because it's the last thing I want to talk about if i get some time without them!).

I do feel my conversation is very dull as i can't 'join in' about things people are discussing. I don't think that's unusual. Fortunately i don't have any friends so it's okay

I do see what you mean Jemima - but equally, if you said to someone who didn't have DCs when you meet up, they can't talk about their work life, their studies, their career goals etc, or their hobbies, any recent health issues or in fact not talk about anything they'd done in the last 2-3 weeks or anything they are planning to do for the next month or so, then it would cause most people problems in carrying on conversation!

Once you've had DCs, particularly in the first few months when you are on mat leave, your child isn't like any other relation, they are your family, your job, your new love, are involved with all your 'free time'.

It's not like saying "don't talk about your boyfriend" or "dn't talk about your wedding" or anything else going on in someone's life before DCs, because very few people had something going on that absorbed so much of their time and attention, jobs, relationships, house moves etc, generally have other stuff going on too. New baby isn't in the same league of 'attention'.

While banging on about your DCs all the time might be dull, banning talking about them effectively means "don't talk about your life". Once DCs are more independent, you can have much more of a separate life from your children, but at the first few months stage, there's little going on that's not in someway related to them.

A friend where you feel you can't talk about your life, only listen to them talk about theirs, isn't a friend that's really worth keeping. It might be possible to just stick them on the back burner for 3-4 years until you have more 'non-child life', but if you are mentally saying "I'm not going to be able to have a good chat and fun with this old uni friend for longer than we were at uni in the first place", is there much point waiting?

I don't think Jemima, or anyone else on here, is saying that you can't talk about your children. It's more about the kind of parent who talks about nothing else and constantly turns the conversation back to their child because they have no interest in anything else going on, and don't realise that their child is not as fascinating to everyone else as she is to them.

But agree, in the OP's case, that is what she is being told and is most unreasonable of her friend.

Are you being "coy" with the "difficult childhood" statement?

I remember hearing about someone who was seriously sexually and physically abused as a child and was then terrified of being around babies, as she has flashbacks and unwanted thoughts of abuse. She actively and very rudely pushed children away, because inside she was terrified that she would become an abuser. Not because she wanted to abuse, but because she thought in some way she was so broken that it was inevitable.

If your friend experienced abuse, she might be frightened of children or be unable to relate to them. And does it really matter? Why not just meet here without your daughter and see how things go.

It isn't news to you your friend isn't interested in small children Decaff but it's a big change in your life and if she can't handle an infant being present and would be irked by you discreetly clock watching if you met up, it would make for an uncomfortable visit. She probably expects you to try and brainwash her so is setting out her stall early on. That's fine - but watching what you say or forever editing DD out of anecdotes is rather sad. I'd say, we don't have to agree on everything to get along but I can't pretend DD doesn't exist.

LittleRobots once or twice, okay, if that's how she feels, but almost every time with the "it's lovely seeing you, it reminds me why I don't want kids"?