Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to stop seeing friend who "hates babies and children"?

113 replies

DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 14:06

An old friend of mine has always had some 'issues'. She had a pretty difficult childhood. We met at uni and always said she didn't like kids. Since graduation she has married her longterm boyfriend and they live far away from me. She now says frequently how she hates babies and kids. My DH and I have just had our first DC. The friend wants to hang out but obviously doesn't want to meet our DD. She said she would be ok to see her as long as she can basically ignore her. On the phone recently (first time we have spoken since I had DD), she asked "she's not going to try and talk to me is she?" And other things like that (I know a baby can't talk but had mentioned to the friend how DD likes to chatter to people as if talking and how sweet it is). Anyway when she suggested meeting up I said no to her meeting DD and us meeting up alone but I am starting to think I don't want to see this friend at all tbh. She was so unpleasant about DD. I always knew she wasn't a baby person but this is something much stronger than that. AIBU?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 14/03/2015 16:10

I was talking in general Smile.

tbh you sound pretty level headed about it all. and she really does sound weird because not liking kids shouldn't mean you can't cope with one being around occasionally. There will be times both parties have to suck it up in order to maintain a relationship.

I just meant there can be extremes on both sides and agree with Xici that someone who won't go anywhere without their child is just as bad as someone who won't meet someone because they have a child.

(you don't sound like that kind of person tbougb)

TheAwfulDaughter · 14/03/2015 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jcriyadh · 14/03/2015 16:43

I am childfree and not particularly child friendly, however, I am friend friendly and NOT RUDE.

I appreciate that my friends will make different choices from me and would be interested and accommodating (as best I know how in my limited experience) with small person.

Just another point of view, but because I am so useless around children, esp babies, I avoid them until they start to crawl and seem a bit more 'substantial', frankly because I am a bit nervous around them. Stupid, eh?

Having read many posts, not this thread, re new mums wanting to still be recognised as people not 'just' Mums (not my words) I would be good at being that friend. Still shocked at some peoples rudeness to supposed friends new arrival though.

Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 16:48

TheAwfulDaughter that has crossed my mind and, although she has always said she doesn't like kids or babies, I would have sworn she once said she got broody occasionally when we were still at uni... It's hard to know, and I would never in a month of Sundays ask anyone about their fertility. It is extremely unpleasant diatribe anyway. Not the normal not-a-baby-person stuff...

Will probably meet up with her alone and if she starts any of the nasty rubbish I will ask her not to talk about it.

OP posts:
GlitzAndGigglesx · 14/03/2015 16:56

I know someone like this she hates everyone's kids but wants one of her own Hmm like she fully won't acknowledge my dd if we bump into each other so I don't bother making plans with her that involve daytime meeting. I think kids can sense when they're not liked and I wouldn't want my child made to feel uncomfortable

OTheHugeManatee · 14/03/2015 16:58

Sounds to me like she ha some kind of issue or trauma related to infancy and is defending against it with this extreme indifference to your baby.

It's up to you whether you are able to tolerate that for the sake of the friendship.

The other alternative of course is to address gently but directly how hurtful you find her attitude. Can you not say something to her about this? Friendships need to be able to share and solve conflicts sometimes just like any other sort of relationship. I don't get this willingness some seem to have, to just ditch friends rather than address a conflict.

DidoTheDodo · 14/03/2015 17:03

I think it's fine that she doesn't like babies. Yes, she was perhaps a bit rude about it, but did you witter constantly about your child? Perhaps you need to be a little more considerate of one another's perspective?

Galvanized · 14/03/2015 17:14

She sounds immature and like she is trying way too hard to be "alternative" ("I hate babies, aren't I counterculture!"). Sadly you have to realise your friendship has changed. In a few months when you are more free to meet up like in the old days (ie spend longer stretches away from DD) then you might decide you'd like to do that. But it's equally okay to mourn the loss of his friendship and keep her at arms length. I had a friend like this and it took me a while to come to terms with but I have lots of different and new friends now.

CunningCat · 14/03/2015 17:17

I have a friend who didn't want children or particularly like them, but is kind, loving and enthusiastic with my 4. She was even at the birth of one of them! She had come to support me in labour while my ex (fuckwit!) Dp done a disappearing act, and ended up as my birthing partner! I suspect witnessing the birth probably put her off even more! A true friend indeed who supported me in my hour of need. If she behaved like your so called friend, I doubt we would still be friends.

Charlotte3333 · 14/03/2015 17:22

My younger sister is very anti-children. Always has been since we were young. She's never been a big (or even small) part of DC's lives, they just know she's not a big feature.

However, on the occasions she has to spend time with them she is nothing but wonderful. She swears inappropriately occasionally, and laughs at their naughtiness, but she's great regardless. And not because she particularly likes children, but because she knows how much it means to me for her to make that effort. I'd be a little affronted by a long-term friend flatly refusing to acknowledge something which was such an enormous part of who I am.

Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 17:44

id you witter constantly about your child?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 17:45

*did you witter constantly about your child?

OP posts:
DidoTheDodo · 14/03/2015 17:53

But you did say how sweet it is that your baby wants to talk to everyone.
I'm afraid I don't like babies much either ( unless v close family) so would run a mile at this sort of statement! It does suggest that you'd be expecting lots of interaction between friend and baby and if friend isn't comfortable with that, then you need to respect her point of view.
This idea that everyone adores babies is wildly overrated!

Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 18:07

You have misquoted one thing I mentioned after a tirade of snide comments - hardly "wittering constantly". I certainly didn't say DD chats to "everyone" - she's fairly selective.

It certainly wasn't indicative of my wanting my friend to interact with DD at all. That's a pretty giant leap tbh and not one this particular friend would have made. Have you read the whole thread? My friend was the one trying to arrange a visit. For the good of DD and friend, I said no after listening to friend about how horrible babies she thinks babies are.

OP posts:
Tapwater · 14/03/2015 18:12

Gosh, there's some odd self-hating parenting on this thread. Whether or not your toddler is mildly annoying, or you talk about your baby doesnt legitimate the level of self-regarding rudeness of the OP's friend.

I was childless by choice until 40, in part because of a miserable childhood as the eldest of a large family which saw me doing childcare for younger siblings from a stupidly young age - and not interested particularly in my friends' children. Even at my most impatient with my friends' (understandable) intense focus on their offspring, I still recognised that babies were human beings who were as entitled as me to breathe the air etc etc. I would never in my wildest dreams have indulged in that kind of 'look at me and my terribly forthright dislikes' display of bad manners.

There's no problem at all with not liking children, or being impatient with wall-to-wall baby talk (which still makes me want to climb the walls) - while remaining civil, and recognising that your friend isn't obliged to edit her daughter out of her life because the idea of her bores you.

Yarp · 14/03/2015 18:14

She wants everything her own way and does not seem to care how rudely she is approaching this.

Not what I would term a friend.

She does sounds really rather troubled, though. Can you find it in yourself to support her? I don't think I could, TBH

emotionsecho · 14/03/2015 18:15

Have you ever asked her why she dislikes babies and children so much? Do you think it could be fear? Is it rooted in her childhood?

It seems odd that she was a champion of the underdog and vulnerable and would step in to prevent bullying and yet has such a strong dislike of babies and children.

Did she want to meet you with your dd?, I note you said you said you would meet without your dd because of what she said. If she did want to meet you with your dd it sounds a bit contradictory on her part, why would she want to meet you and your dd just to ignore your dd?

Viviennemary · 14/03/2015 18:16

People are allowed not to be keen on children. IMHO. But she should be polite about it. And pretend to be a little bit interested even if she isn't.

Yarp · 14/03/2015 18:18

emotionsecho

I wondered that. Such an extreme reaction in someone who has previously been level-headed is almost "phobic"

miniavenger · 14/03/2015 18:26

If you've been friends along time and don't want to lose her friendship then I'd go out with her alone. If she starts being off when you talk about your life/day/week and it involves DD at some point then I'd tell her that DD is a part of your life and it makes you uncomfortable to pretend she doesn't exist.

RestingFuckFace · 14/03/2015 18:28

I hate perfume. Seriously it makes me feel sick, I can't abide it and it lingers on me after friends leave and I have to shower to get rid of the smell.

Slightly odd. Irrational and unpleasant for me.

But would I go into great detail about how I hated my friends perfume? No, because it would offend them and hurt their feelings.

But to bitch about a friends own baby?

That's just plain cuntish.

Hate them all you want, but it makes you a cunt to say it. I have friends whos children I can't abide but I still whack on a smile and treat them as usual otherwise Id be a bastard.

She's a bastard. A cuntish one at that.

wildpoppy · 14/03/2015 18:28

Yanbu. I mean I would ask a friend about anything new in their life e it a new job or new car or even a new outfit. So they can't ignore the biggest thing in your life ever.

FindoGask · 14/03/2015 18:34

One of my (male) friends was a bit like this when we got back in touch after a few years, during which time I'd sprogged twice. I don't see him that often so it wasn't really a problem, but I did think he was being a dick about it and he now agrees, if that helps at all.

I was especially aggrieved because I don't go on about my children - I do know people like that and I get how tiresome it is. Of course I mention them because they're part of me and my life, but I reserve the cute anecdotes/boasts about their many qualities and achievements for people like my mum.

Tapwater · 14/03/2015 18:35

Decaf, you sound eminently reasonable, and your friend sounds like a self-dramatising, self-regarding pain to me. Is it really the act of a friend to say that a central element of their life is not only of no interest but actually distasteful to her? Eg 'Ugh, I just hate men, so could you make sure I never have to meet your partner, or if I accudentally meet you in the street, make sure he doesn't try to talk to me?' Or 'God, you and your bloody job - could you never mention it again, please? I just hate that kind of thing, I'm so not. 'Job' person.'

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2015 18:43

Yanbu, you have to cut ties with her, you are a mum now, and she cannot ignore that, and treat your dd so badly. Yes she sounds like she has issues, but they not your dd problem.