aibu to stop seeing friend who "hates babies and children"?

[DecaffTastesWeird]

An old friend of mine has always had some 'issues'. She had a pretty difficult childhood. We met at uni and always said she didn't like kids. Since graduation she has married her longterm boyfriend and they live far away from me. She now says frequently how she hates babies and kids. My DH and I have just had our first DC. The friend wants to hang out but obviously doesn't want to meet our DD. She said she would be ok to see her as long as she can basically ignore her. On the phone recently (first time we have spoken since I had DD), she asked "she's not going to try and talk to me is she?" And other things like that (I know a baby can't talk but had mentioned to the friend how DD likes to chatter to people as if talking and how sweet it is). Anyway when she suggested meeting up I said no to her meeting DD and us meeting up alone but I am starting to think I don't want to see this friend at all tbh. She was so unpleasant about DD. I always knew she wasn't a baby person but this is something much stronger than that. AIBU?

I think she sounds a bit rude tbh.

I have my own child who i love to bits and would never change for the world.. but i still am not really too fussed on babies and children of others (I always said i didnt like children and would never have any HAHA !), however if im out with friends who also have children i am polite and will talk to the children, coo over new baby, engage in some general conversation about them as its the right thing to do even if im not particularly fussed on children.

She doesnt sound like much of a friend tbh and i dont think id meet up with her at all !

I dislike children and babies, I have a 6 year old DD, I adore her, others I'm really not bothered about, however I'd NEVER not see a friend with their children in tow, I would grin and bear it for an hour or too then run home

Your "friend" is rude and selfish. tell her to grow a pair

It's all a bit of a performance, isn't it? Immature. You can not like children and not go on about it all the time. I have a friend who doesn't like children - I didn't make her hold DS, that was fine. Now he's older I see her without him. She has pets I don't give a stuff about - she doesn't expect me to care about her new gerbil cage. Neither of us make a bloody song and dance about it like your friend is doing.

My friends exactly like this...doesn't get kids at all.
When my eldest DD was small she would visit us a lot and I remember DD constantly Interrupting us chatting as kids do and she turned round and said "god you're annoying aren't you" to DD she was about 3 at the time.

I was so pissed off but I didn't say anything.

I obviously regretting not speaking up and it bugged me for ages.

Next time she was really rude by saying to DD " are you always this demanding? " I said excuse me she is 3 years old and she's my priority so please don't make her feel awkward in her own home.

The friendship was a bit strained for ages after that....she just didn't like kids and didn't even pretend to be nice.

I still still see her but meet her at a bar or whatever if we hadn't been friends since we were 4 I wouldn't bother with her at all.

I don't see how you can continue this friendship. You have a child now and whilst she doesn't have to go all out Dewey eyed over it, she could acknowledge it and not be so outright nasty.

I have one son. I'm not what you'd call gaga over other people's babies and children and it's rare that I openly coo over babies generally but, do appreciate how to you, your baby/child is the most wonderful precious thing, as mine is to me and I acknowledge that.

It is the end of this acquaintance. Sorry (or not!).

Thanks all.

No, she didn't have to look after children when growing up, but did have a difficult home life. Not sure if this has something to do with this "I hate kids" crap she has been spouting.

whatsagoodusername and MrsKoala, I can picture this friend acting like the people you described in your posts.

Definitely will not be meeting her any time soon. Might find excuses not to see her rather than confront her as I really cba explaining. I think it is down to immaturity as well. She might grow up one day.

I don't think I'd be particularly bothered if a friend wasn't interested in my dd. Some people are naturally more interested in children.

She is your friend, not your dd's. Why on earth would you insist that she can only meet you with the baby. Just because you have had a baby doesn't mean you can't leave them for a single second. I find your behaviour just as odd tbh. If I wanted to meet up with an old friend from uni that lived far away I wouldn't expect them to turn up with their baby, neither would it cross my mind to take mine if the situation were reversed unless the friend specifically asked to see dd.
And have you considered that there might be some underlying reason for this behaviour , such as the inability to have kids herself, a sort of defence mechanism if you like.

i had a friend like yours although not as rude and if we met up she wouldnt speak to dc and if i went to the toilet id put him in the pram and ask her to keep an eye on him. anyway we were talking about babies one day and it turned out she would say she didnt like babies as an excuse. really she was scared of them she felt embarrassed speaking in a baby voice and worried about holding them.
she never did offer to babysit though

Carola seems to have it, it sounds very dramatic about declaring herself "different" - now we are a bit older, there are a few of DH's friends who are well into their 40s, childfree and showing no interest in having DCs, but were still polite about members of our family. They would discreetly arrange childfree stuff, like if we invited them for dinner they would suggest arrivig around 7:30-8ish, clearly after DCs were in bed, or meet DH for lunch near his office one day - so not with family. Would ask about the DCs in the same way they would ask about DH's job, holiday plans and the say DH would ask them about their hobbies and what's going on in their lives...

Your right, it sounds like issues - not just not wanting DCs but being a bit agressive about it all.

If she can't deal with other people making different life choices without being rude about those life choices, then she's not going to be worth keeping in touch with. If you are one of hte first to have DCs, then prehaps it'll take her a while to get used to the fact that her 'no children' rule will make her the outsider amongst her contempories through their 30s/40s and she'll have to make allowances until you start hitting 50s and DCs have all left home again and lives go back to being "the same".

In the medium term, I'd tell her you aren't going to accept her being rude to someone you love, your child is a real person, not a thing - in the same way she probably would get upset if you sat onthe phone slating her DH. Say you don't expect her to love your DCs likeyou do, or want one, but you don't see the friendship lasting if she can't be polite, again as you wouldn't see your friendship lasting if you weren't polite to her DH/parents/siblings etc. when you saw them.

Then if possible, arrange meet up for dinner/drinks without DC, but make it clear you can't just stop being a mum and this is a big part of your life from now on.

everything will be ok also can picture her saying something like that to my DD which might make me say something awful to her or make me aggressive, which I really don't want.

Probably best all round I don't see her for a while. She would only be stressed "having to" interact with a baby or listen to me talk about DD anyway.

YANBU. She is being rude and over dramatic but if she is otherwise a good friend I would probably give her one chance.

I'd meet up with her and of course bring your DD and see how she responds. It might be that actually when faced with your DD she softens a bit and, whilst I wouldn't expect to be sharing baby stories with her or handing DD over for cuddles, she may not be as intolerant of DD in reality as she makes out in talk. I have a few friends who openly say they hate kids but actually they are perfectly pleasant around my DD.

On the other hand if she is just as rude to and about your DD when you meet up that would signal to me that the friendship is, unfortunately, probably over. She should be able to place her feelings aside and at least act the part of being friendly towards your DD for the sake of you and your friendship regardless of her desire to have or be around children.

BellsUp you've hit the nail on the head for me, there! As a child (and I was the youngest) we very very rarely had contact with babies. None in the family etc and when we did, my sister was all for playing with them (like a doll - pushing the trolley etc) and I was just scared shitless of them. My mum would make fun of me and say "Eliza's hopeless with babies/children" when actually I had no idea what to do with them or how to even hold one!i only had to look at a baby and the poor wee thing would cry! I'm still a bit like that even today. I love my nephews and nieces but was much more comfortable with them when they were a bit older. it wasnt THEM..it was definitely ME!

XiCi, I never insisted she see my DD. As I said in my OP, she was the one who suggested a visit (we normally visit each other and stay with each other). She suggested this after saying how much she didn't want to meet DD so I was the one who said she probably shouldn't. She does have some issues though and part of me worries that it is a defense mechanism of some kind. Maybe I should stay in touch with her. Tricksy.

Just ignore and move on with your life.

Sorry just noticed a typo in my OP. I said no to her meeting DD and suggested we meet up alone instead.

I'd stay in touch say, facebook, emails etc. If she's down your way, arrange to go for dinner/invite her over once DD is asleep - but also think she might soften as she gets older and deals with her issues round children. IME, people who just don't want DCs kind of understand they are in the minority and are at least polite about other people's children, people who make a thing about hating htem have problems that are nothing really to do with your DCs.

I'm afraid I find this kind of thing offensive. It would be totally unreasonable to say you disliked everyone aged 60-78, so why is it acceptable to say you hate all children and babies.

There's a difference, though. Barring severe dementia and the like, people over 60-70 (or whatever age) aren't generally prone to tantrums, screaming, being sick, breaking things, being extremely noisy (honestly, I don't think parents realise how loud and piercing their own childrens' screams are because they become immune to it), being badly behaved in public, etc, and people are quite within their rights not to like those things. I can see why a lot of people don't.

She does sound like she's being rude about it though and I don't think the OP would be unjustified in not seeing her if it's a dealbreaker.

In that case then, if she is a good friend, can you meet her alone and explain how her attitude has upset you? Issues aside, some people are genuinely uncomfortable around babies and children. I don't think I'd just drop a friend over anything really without trying to talk to them first about the problem

I have a friend who only likes her own DC.

I would never hang out with her with all of our kids, and I wouldn't hang out with her at all of she were rude to my face about my children.

But we manage to have a decent friendship by meeting up when her ex has her kids. It doesn't sound like that would be possible in your case, if your friend is going to be openly nasty.

There is a big difference between people who are uncomfortable around children, and someone who is choosing to be nasty about your child.

I agree with Basin! I also think this friendship will just fizzle out really. Sad to say this but it doesnt sound as if she will compromise on anything and that will really start to wind you up.

In that case then, if she is a good friend, can you meet her alone and explain how her attitude has upset you?

Possibly. She was a really good friend at uni and I love her. She is really funny, honest and outspoken. I usually find her attitude really fun and refreshing. But her feistiness in the past was directed at adults who could stand up for themselves and who kind of deserved it. When it is directed at a child, it isn't so funny. She was always the one fighting for the underdog and standing up to bullying behaviour. This makes me look at her a bit differently iyswim. Or maybe I'm just being an over sensitive new mother?

I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking kids and babies. Some people don't that's fine and their choice.

but I would find it a bit weird she was so openly nasty about a baby dating to gurgle in her direction.

ywbu to not make an effort to continue seeing your friend minus child if it was possible cos that can be annoying for people who like lids too. For friends to always drag kids along and never offering to meet up in an adult only situation. (I realise this is t always possible so there does need to be some give and take here)

but she is being vvu to be so dramatic about it all. There are ways to broach the subject of when to meet up together that don't involve taking about children like they are some kind of infectious disease.

giles, refusing to see her without Dd WB a bit U. Sorry that was a typo in my OP. I was the one who suggested meeting up without Dd but having second tights now as she was so unpleasant. I certainly didn't insist. I wouldn't do that to either of them.

*second thoughts