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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to stop seeing friend who "hates babies and children"?

113 replies

DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 14:06

An old friend of mine has always had some 'issues'. She had a pretty difficult childhood. We met at uni and always said she didn't like kids. Since graduation she has married her longterm boyfriend and they live far away from me. She now says frequently how she hates babies and kids. My DH and I have just had our first DC. The friend wants to hang out but obviously doesn't want to meet our DD. She said she would be ok to see her as long as she can basically ignore her. On the phone recently (first time we have spoken since I had DD), she asked "she's not going to try and talk to me is she?" And other things like that (I know a baby can't talk but had mentioned to the friend how DD likes to chatter to people as if talking and how sweet it is). Anyway when she suggested meeting up I said no to her meeting DD and us meeting up alone but I am starting to think I don't want to see this friend at all tbh. She was so unpleasant about DD. I always knew she wasn't a baby person but this is something much stronger than that. AIBU?

OP posts:

ChipDip · 14/03/2015 14:08

She is openly awful about your child, why are you even questioning whether you should drop her? Yanbu.

championnibbler · 14/03/2015 14:08

YANBU.
Don't bother with her any more.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 14/03/2015 14:10

I think she's just trying to jokingly but firmly get the message across that she doesn't want the friendship to be hijacked by your DD's presence or the conversation to be dominated by talk or her, or to revolve around her. It's natural for you to take a little offence at that, but she's just being honest. She's laying it on the line that she's not interested in making polite cooing noises over your child and she will lose interest in you f you insist on regaling her with every little update and milestone.

It's up to you whether that is a deal breaker or not.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/03/2015 14:10

Not everyone has to like children and babies. She's clearly lost it to express it in such an unpleasant manner. I wouldn't meet het, just ignore her from now on. Doesn't deserve an explanation.

makeminea6x · 14/03/2015 14:11

I'm afraid I find this kind of thing offensive. It would be totally unreasonable to say you disliked everyone aged 60-78, so why is it acceptable to say you hate all children and babies. Fair enough if you're not really a baby person, don't have one, but really, stop being a twat!

wfrances · 14/03/2015 14:11

have you asked her why she hates babies /children?
it could be that at a young age she was forced to care for much younger siblings - left alone at a young age with a screaming baby .
there could be very valid reasons.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/03/2015 14:12

I don't think she's joking from what the OP says. She's just rude.

Clemfandangogogo · 14/03/2015 14:12

YANBU. Clearly she has some issues but they are not your problem. There are plenty of people who are not gushy over babies/kids but would never behave like she has!

TiggieBoo · 14/03/2015 14:14

Yanbu. She sounds like she's got serious issues. Plenty of people don't like children, I've got a few friends who don't like them as well, but at least they can behave graciously around kids, not like they are some sort of nasty disease.

Cariad007 · 14/03/2015 14:15

She sounds like an idiot tbh. A lot of people aren't keen on kids but they'd at least have the manners not to act like she's acting. If she can't grow up and accept that you now have a child in your life to consider then I don't think the friendship is worth saving. I doubt you talk about your child 24/7 but it's natural that you would mention her from time to time and this "friend" is being unfair to say you can't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/03/2015 14:15

I agree with DontDrink. Your friend has some issues there that she's finding very difficult. It's up to you whether you see her again but, if you like her as a friend then you can presumably not talk about your daughter too much and keep on with what you've always talked about.

You know that she doesn't hate children and babies. It's an overused word is 'hate', she just isn't interested in them and that includes your daughter.

People change and move on with their lives, if you don't feel that you want to be friends with her then don't be. Just tell her so - or don't.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 14/03/2015 14:17

I don't really have time for other peoples kids. I get very bored by people going on about the latest 'adorable' or 'hilarious' thing their precious one has done. To be perfectly honest, you will probably inevitably drift away from this friend anyway. She's pointed out, fairly, she's not a 'kid' person. That's OK, but obviously you now are - its not a simple difference of opinion, your lifestyle choice is completely different from hers. If it does not suit you to not being along your child, or not be able 'not to talk about her', its probably time to break away.

Nolim · 14/03/2015 14:18

Ignore her.

keepsmiling2015 · 14/03/2015 14:20

If you're sure she's not joking and she's serious then YANBU to end your friendship with her.

MaudeLebowski · 14/03/2015 14:21

Lots of people don't like babies - that isn't unusual.

She doesn't have to hang around your DD if she doesn't want to - also fine.

But expecting you change your (new) parent lifestyle isn't on. If you dislike babies, you have to expect that your parent friends will grow distant from you.

whatsagoodusername · 14/03/2015 14:22

My ex-flatmate was like this. The first time we met up after I had DS1, she didn't acknowledge his presence at all for over half an hour. Then when we were heading home, told me I shouldn't bring DS next time we met up.

I'd spent years telling her when I had a child, she should tell me child was cute once (literally "oh, Baby is cute"), then didn't have to say anything further. I know she hates children, but at least be polite for two minutes. I'm not a baby person myself, but it's just what you do when a friend has had a baby.

I haven't forgiven her. I don't see her often anymore - maybe twice since then and DS is 4.5 now. Shame because we lived together five years and were quite good friends.

MrsKoala · 14/03/2015 14:28

YANBU. DH has a friend who hates children and bangs on about it constantly. When we had our first dc she was openly hostile about him. Saying things like 'god, IT's so UGLY' and doing immature gagging and stuff, then passive aggressively posting all this malthusian stuff to us about selfish people having children and the environment. Me and DS1 nearly died and she showed no concern and rolled her eyes in a 'serves you right' way. I have made it clear to DH i never want to see her ever again.

Another friend doesn't want children of her own and has never acknowledged my pregnancies or even asked how I am after my 2 terrible labours. You'd think if your friend was in hospital for 6 weeks you might at least ask how they were feeling.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2015 14:32

^This. She doesn't have to like them, she doesn't have to cuddle one. She just doesn't have to be rude. They are people and they are there^, so be polite.

She is being exceptionally rude and I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2015 14:33

Oooh. Formatting went a bit pear-shaped there!

Floggingmolly · 14/03/2015 14:33

Ditch her, the silly cow. Not wanting to have children of your own is a whole world away from refusing to be in the same room as your best friends newborn. Very odd and ill mannered.

MrsDeVere · 14/03/2015 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrenetheQuaint · 14/03/2015 14:35

She sounds v. rude and childish.

Though you telling her about your DD's cute little ways was never going to end well.

dreamingbohemian · 14/03/2015 14:38

I think it depends how close a friend she is. How long have you been friends? Do you love her or is it more of a habit friendship?

My best friend does not like kids, I was the same for most of our friendship so I get it. I'm not offended that she doesn't want to spend time with my kid and wants to still see me on my own, we don't live in the same city so only see each other occasionally, and I actually really like just seeing her and catching up like old times. In a few years my DC will be old enough that she will be happy to hang out with them a bit and teach them cool stuff.

Our friendship definitely suffered for a couple years but I think we've survived and I'm so happy to still have her in my life. But that's because she is very dear to me. If you feel the same about your friend then you could try sticking it out and seeing how things go, she might lighten up eventually, and also as your DC get older you can start missing the friends you lost.

BasinHaircut · 14/03/2015 14:40

Tell her you don't like her mum/sister/husband etc and see how she reacts. She needs to realise that that's exactly how she is behaving by being a twat.

base9 · 14/03/2015 14:41

Never trust people who are unkind to children or animals. They tend to be sub-human.
I have several friends who do not have and do not want children. They are perfectly pleasant to my dc and I appreciate that. I would not plan a day out with them and the dc, but I expect them to value my dc because I do. In turn, I ask about one df's cricket team and the other's microbrewing. I don't like cricket or beer, but I like my friends.

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