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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to stop seeing friend who "hates babies and children"?

113 replies

DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 14:06

An old friend of mine has always had some 'issues'. She had a pretty difficult childhood. We met at uni and always said she didn't like kids. Since graduation she has married her longterm boyfriend and they live far away from me. She now says frequently how she hates babies and kids. My DH and I have just had our first DC. The friend wants to hang out but obviously doesn't want to meet our DD. She said she would be ok to see her as long as she can basically ignore her. On the phone recently (first time we have spoken since I had DD), she asked "she's not going to try and talk to me is she?" And other things like that (I know a baby can't talk but had mentioned to the friend how DD likes to chatter to people as if talking and how sweet it is). Anyway when she suggested meeting up I said no to her meeting DD and us meeting up alone but I am starting to think I don't want to see this friend at all tbh. She was so unpleasant about DD. I always knew she wasn't a baby person but this is something much stronger than that. AIBU?

OP posts:
Cariad007 · 14/03/2015 18:43

Shock horror, Decaff's baby likes to talk to people! There's no telling where that sort of behaviour might lead!

Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 18:56

Thanks all.

She did suggest visiting us at home and staying over. Obviously DD would be here. That's what we always do, so think she suggested that as she simply didn't think / want to deviate from the norm. She was quite happy with my suggestion of meeting up somewhere else just the two of us.

OP posts:
PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/03/2015 18:57

she's just rude and not really a very nice friend.

everyone has their own likes, and can have different likes to their friends, but you don't just slag off your friends choices.

I might not like the same music as one friend, but I don't expect them not to play it in my company, others may bang on about their car/garden/sport/hobby/job/etc which I know not a lot about or have never seen the joy in, but because they are my friends I am happy to listen and find out what they have been doing/enjoying/finding difficult . Over and above any of these trivial examples, a child is so much a part of who you are, a life changing experience, your total priority - any "friend" who cannot grasp this regardless of whether they have any maternal feelings themselves, is a very heartless selfish person.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/03/2015 19:08

I couldn't go into the company who basically acted like my child was a monster. Okay she doesn't like babies and children and nowhere does it say she has to, I was very embittered about babies before I became a mum but I'd still play the part and cuddle my friends babies. It's not their fault they got pregnant first. I never let my bitterness show. She sounds like an attention seeking idiot to bf honest. You just don't say things like that "Well I'll meet you but I don't want to see the baby. You can't avoid every women in the world who has a child and expect them to hide their kids away because you don't like children. That's not how the world works. Btw You're NBU. Thinking very deeply here but could your friend have been told from an early age that she cOuldnt have children and it's more like hurt she feels rather than hate. I always say there's got to be a reason how women can possibly hate innocent and trusting babies and children.

Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 19:15

lighthouse, no she definitely didn't know at uni of any infertility issues. I'm about 99% certain of that much. That's not to say she hasn't been told since.

OP posts:
Theoretician · 14/03/2015 19:17

So many people have commented on the friend being rude, I can't see where in the OP she was? Any comments about OP's baby are clearly just a consequence of her general attitude, nothing personal.

If I hate dogs and express the hope that someone else's much-loved dog isn't going to bite me, lick me, jump up at me or hump my leg, am I being rude for expressing how I feel about being in a room with their dog?

Alanna1 · 14/03/2015 19:19

I am surprised at some of the messages here. I love my kids and I have friends who do too. I als have a few friends who don't like kids. That's fine - I meet them separately. Life goes on. It is quite nice, actually. Adult only time...

OTheHugeManatee · 14/03/2015 20:18

I'm reminded for some reason of the poster on another thread who told a family law barrister specialising in child protection that she couldn't possibly be any good and in fact lacks compassion and shouldn't have anything to do with children, as she finds other people's children dull Confused

Some parents just really seem to take offence at the idea that others find children in general boring or annoying.

Again, I really don't get why the OP can't just talk to her friend about this. Don't most people talk about things they're upset about with friends, rather than just cutting off contact?

MrsDeVere · 14/03/2015 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

velourvoyageur · 14/03/2015 20:30

I knew someone who was a proud antinatalist. She had lots of offensive things to say about people who chose to procreate or say, people who felt they wouldn't be able to have an abortion for whatever reason. At the time I admired her for being different and utterly unlike anyone else I knew but looking back she said some pretty vile things. She was so, so smart but bitter, or immature in some area, or something. Whatever. Just unpleasant. Not anyone's job but her own to fix her issues.

I find toddlers better company than lots of adults. They're completely spontaneous, not self conscious and very fun and totally themselves.

You can drop nasty friends whenever you like. If someone says something that sits wrongly with you then you don't have to carry on listening to them.

LittleRobots · 14/03/2015 20:45

I've got a friend who nearly every time she comes around leaves saying, "it's lovely seeing you, it reminds me why I don't want kids." It grates every single time. The girls are usually really quite good, and haven't played up when she's here. My friend though would give anything to have a partner and children and I think its her way of dealing with it. Doesn't mean I find it easy though....

Tapwater · 14/03/2015 20:47

Theoretician, are you comparing being in the presence of a baby with a dog-phobic person being in a room with a dog with form for biting, jumping up etc? The baby is highly unlikely to pose a threat to the OP's friend's personal safety or comfort, or to molest her in any way.

Branleuse · 14/03/2015 20:54

I wouldnt be friends with someone who made hostile horrible remarks about my child

XiCi · 14/03/2015 20:54

I think it's a bit of a shock when you have you're first baby when some friends don't want to gush over them, you love them so much you expect your friends to feel the same way.

OP, as others have said you seem a lovely person, just maybe a bit shocked 're your friends reaction. I know posters have been saying she's been nasty to your dd but to me saying 'she's not going to talk to me is she' is just a sign of awkwardness around b babies/ children. Go out, have a few glasses of wine and tell her how you feel. I hope you resolve it. Good friends are hard to find

TinyTearsFirstLove · 14/03/2015 20:57

I had a friend like this. It really hurt as she'd change the subject if I ever mentioned my child. Never asked after them, never wanted to see them etc. Then she had twins. She's since apologised for her behaviour and admits she was a rubbish friend when I was knee deep in nappies, coping alone and really could have done with her help. We're back to how we used to be thankfully but if she hadn't had kids, I think we'd have drifted apart. I was really really hurt by some of her disinterest.

Goldenbear · 14/03/2015 21:07

I don't understand the 'dog' analogy?

Babies are not one homogenous group to hate, they're individual human beings that become 'indivual' adults- nobody really 'hates' all adults. It's 'limited' thinking and for that reason alone I would 'dump' her.

My Dad worked with someone, his business partner's wife that 'hated' babies and children. It wasn't something she was 'shy' about revealing to me and my brother. She was openly hostile to us, even though we hadn't done anything wrong, as we got older we used to call her 'Freddie the witch' (nehind her back) as she was so rude to us. This hostility continued into our teens- when I was 16 my Dad gave me a summer job selling wooden furniture in a shop they had rented. Customers were infrequent and my Dad was fine with me reading a magazine/book when the place was empty, especially once i'd dusted the furniture. This woman paid an impromptu visit and lambasted me for reading. She was just as angry and vicious towards me as she'd always been but as I was 16 I told her to stick the job and walked out. My Dad stopped working with her and his business partner 20 years ago and jokes about her hostility towards us but I sort of think it wasn't great tbh and he should've told her so as he's our Dad. He tells me she lives quite near me now and wouldn't it be funny if I saw her and how she'd dislike my DC- even as an adult I thInk there's no way I'd let that happen! I think loyalty is key in families and for that reason I wouldn't want to know your friend.

Bambambini · 14/03/2015 21:08

It's weird and just something not right about people having to insist that they hate babies and kids. You might not find them that interesting or are that keen but to keep banging on about how much you dislike or hate them - especially to a friend with kids, is just weird and not attractive at all.

Cariad007 · 14/03/2015 21:09

I dont think OP wants her friend to gush but the least she could do is not make nasty comments about the child.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2015 21:40

Ok fine for the friend to not like kids, but to be openly rude or I'll mannered towards them is unacceptable. I woukd not like my kids around someone like that. Yes I would meet her outside the home without the kids, but I think the friendship woukd fizzle out eventually.

MrsDeVere · 14/03/2015 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 21:55

Thanks all.

That's kind of how I feel Goldenbear. I know the friend has a thing about babies, kids etc, but when it was directed specifically at my DD it seemed so disloyal of me not to tell the friend where to shove her views. Just need to remind myself she has never met or even seen my DD. She doesn't dislike DD per se, just something about babies freaks her out for whatever reason. Think it is fear as much as dislike. I don't know. The stuff she was saying wasn't attractive and it was a bit strange. Hope this is just a strong reaction and therefore temporary. Will see how things pan out, but I do feel a little wary of the friend all the same atm. For sure, I don't want her anywhere near DD atm as I think she would become hostile / freak out. It would do nobody any good to have them meet one another. The friend tends to go off radar from time to time anyway. Wonder if now will be be of those times... We shall see.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 14/03/2015 21:56

Maybe she can't have children and this is her way of dealing with it, terribly rude hurtful if so.

zippey · 14/03/2015 21:59

Does her difficult childhood play any part on her opinion of children?

LeSaor · 14/03/2015 22:15

I'm quite the same and it's because I have massive anxiety around children and I'd rather not go somewhere than go somewhere and have to interact with a baby. (I was abused as a child, I'm not sure that's the reason but it'd be interesting to look into)

It's unfortunate but not "cuntish" to have mental health issues if that's what's up here.

Topseyt · 14/03/2015 22:19

She does sound very self-absorbed. Very rude. I'd be thinking twice about continuing with the friendship.

Some people don't like or want babies. That is fine and a valid choice. Each to their own, but nothing gives anyone the right to be downright rude and offensive about other people's children.

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