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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore the upstairs neighbour banging on his floor about crying baby

420 replies

MrsHende · 14/03/2015 08:04

Baby hates getting dressed and usually screams her way through the 5-6 minute process. Twice our upstairs neighbours has banged on their floor, presumably because of the noise. Both times were after 7.30 and before 8am, once this morning and once last week, on a week day.

Who IBU?

(My mum thinks I should change the baby in a different room, possibly the best solution for everyone's blood pressure!)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/03/2015 20:06

'Expat, if tenancy agreement/landlord forbids sound-proofing yet neighbours are being disturbed, maybe it's not a suitable flat to raise children in?
When choosing a place to live you need to consider how suitable it is for your needs and whether you'll disturb others in the building. If you have a baby or noisy child why not find somewhere with decent soundproofing (or the potential to adapt it if necessary)?'

Why not do the same if you're a person who is noise sensitive? The one with the noise sensitivity is the one with the issue, not the baby or child.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/03/2015 20:07

Earplugs are suitable for most. I'd not be allowed to soundproof my flat so if my upstairs neighbour had an issue with my DD when she cries, I'd have to suggest earplugs to him. And if DD is ever woken by a crying baby, I'd have her sleep in my room with me...because you can address the obvious with babies and if none of that works, you can only comfort them. I couldn't hold it against the neighbour and would have to work around it the best way I could.

Incidentally, the walls/floors in these flats are so thin that I can hear my neighbour peeing. We all get along fine simply because we're considerate and tolerant.

Until recently, a family lived in the flat next to mine and several times a week, the children would be horrendously noisy and did wake my DD up sometimes. But on several occasions I heard her telling the children that there was a baby in my flat and pleading with them to behave. I knew she was doing the best she could so what kind of twat would it make me if I started banging on the walls and complaining?

Smerlin · 14/03/2015 20:12

I am utterly disgusted by the unsympathetic attitudes of people on this thread towards crying babies. It is what they do, they can't help it. Everyone was one once so if your own parents hadn't made the 'lifestyle decision' to have you, you wouldn't even exist to complain.

And this is happening at 7.30- hardly the crack of dawn. And the OP said she was happy to change the baby in another room but it just hadn't occurred to her previously.

To put this in context, my baby had shocking colic/reflux and cried for HOURS between 1am and 5am for the first 8 weeks of her life. Being held, fed, medicated, many GP and even hospital consultations did not help. She was genuinely inconsolable after feeds. Nobody found out why, she just grew out of it after 2/3 months. Also hated being changed despite songs, toys, warmth etc.

We lived in a rented flat and not a single person above or next to us complained once. Some had children, some didn't. At the time I felt really grateful that nobody said anything to make me feel worse about not being able to change the situation and reading this thread, I now realise who I could have been living next to and how different things could have been.

At the time my husband worked shifts so had to sleep through the whole day of our baby crying, people doing DIY on the flat next door, doorbell going etc etc. He didn't go and tell people to stop their normal lives because he was stuck in a job involving shifts.

JellybeansInTheSky · 14/03/2015 20:17

Yanbu.

Babies are people too. I can guarantee that everybody regardless of how little they like children was once a baby themselves. Unless they were a very unusual baby they probably cried quite a lot.

I pointed this out to a woman who had just told my baby to shut up in a fish and chip shop and she told me to fuck off.

Some people are just unpleasant and intolerent.

expatinscotland · 14/03/2015 20:18

Noise cancelling headphones if you cannot use earplugs.

My kids sleep through everything due to being exposed to lots of noise all their lives due to neighbours.

'I am utterly disgusted by the unsympathetic attitudes of people on this thread towards crying babies.'

Pay no mind. Some have been deleted on other threads for being goady.

theboatisleaking · 14/03/2015 20:33

Expat, labelling someone as 'noise-sensitive' is shelving responsibility. You're blaming the neighbour for finding your noise excessive rather than trying to reduce noise. The noise is the problem, not how 'sensitive' the neighbour's hearing is! Everyone is entitled to peace and quiet in their home, even in a flat.

Smerlin, having a baby is a choice, working shifts is a choice, living in a flat is a choice. Living next to a noisy neighbour is not a choice it's inflicted on you!! I think people SHOULD feel bad when their baby wakes other families at night because once you lose sight of other people's feelings and stop caring if you disturb them, you become selfish and feel entitled. When my DC were babies I felt terrible when they woke the neighbours but we did everything we could to minimise noise and our neighbours appreciated it. We moved rooms around, soundproofed, apologised and empathised with what we were putting the neighbours through. As a result they were more tolerant. I'm now expecting DC3 and we've moved to a semi with great soundproofing- this was a conscious choice, because babies ARE noisy and I don't want to disturb neighbours or worry they're being woken by crying in the night.

Smerlin · 14/03/2015 20:43

Lucky you theboatisleaking for having enough rooms to be able to move things around, enough money to move to a semi.

I guess people should only have children if they have enough £ for a house in the country and if you don't, that lifestyle choice is closed to you. Has the positive side effect of breeding out the undesirables as well.

Having empathy is not the same as having the ability to fix the problem.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/03/2015 20:44

"Living next to a noisy neighbour" isn't an entirely accurate thing to say. "Living next to a baby" is what you mean. A parent can do everything in their power to quieten a baby but it's often unsuccessful. And frankly, I'm fairly sure the parent is just as stressed about it, if not more so, than the neighbour.

expatinscotland · 14/03/2015 20:44

'Expat, labelling someone as 'noise-sensitive' is shelving responsibility.'

I think if you read the thread you will find that ProudAS coined the label and applied it to herself. Hmm

Reasonable household living noise from neighbouring flats is a reason why councils disregard noise complaints, it is not a valid grounds for complaint from an occupier for noise. A baby crying for a few minutes at 7.30am would fall within the boundaries of reasonable household living noise.

But, as you have recently been deleted for breaking guidelines when you insulted me and were goady to me, however you address me in the future, I shall completely disregard your posts, other than to report them if they, again, break Talk Guidelines for being personally insulting or goady.

expatinscotland · 14/03/2015 20:45

Pay it no mind, Smerlin, and certainly do not feel bad.

ILovePud · 14/03/2015 20:49

I think it's the degree of peace and quiet that one can reasonably expect in a flat that is the issue though. I think the noise of a baby crying falls within the normal noise you have to be prepared for when you factor in the 'choice' of where to live, though for what it's worth I think all of those things you list may well not be choices for many people. There's no suggestion that OP is a noisy neighbour, she has a baby who cries for a few minutes in the mornings when she changes her. You may have been willing and able to take those steps theboastisleaking but it's unreasonable to expect others to.

jemimapuddleduck208 · 14/03/2015 21:00

Living in a flat is a lifestyle choice too, round here there's not much price difference tbh.

Right, then if you consider living in a flat to be a lifestyle choice, why did you live there with a screaming baby? Goes both ways, doesn't it? If there's not much difference in price, then live somewhere that the dreadful noise of a constantly screaming baby isn't going to ruin other peoples' lives. (And yes, I'm sorry your baby had colic. But you made the choice to have one, and your neighbours didn't)

I personally can't abide people who live in badly-soundproofed flats with babies. It's so incredibly selfish. I lived next door to one for a year who screamed nearly all day long and it damn near ruined my life.

catzpyjamas · 14/03/2015 21:13

OP, I may be putting a spanner in the works but if the flat above is a flat share, could someone be using their living room as a bedroom? If so, then wherever you change DC, you'll be under someone's bedroom....

ILovePud · 14/03/2015 21:20

jemimapuddleduck208 it sounds like you had a tough time but I'm sure the baby and the baby's parents had it tougher. What would you suggest that people cover their walls, floors and ceilings with polystyrene tiles?

theboatisleaking · 14/03/2015 21:27

Jemima I agree with you.

When DH and I were students we lived in a flat with a screaming baby and noisy children next door, we were kept awake every night and couldn't study in day the noise was so bad. I failed my exams because I couldn't study or concentrate, I was also trying to hold down 2 jobs to make ends meet. I think this experience made us extra considerate of neighbours when we had our own DC.
I would never chose to live in a flat with a baby unless we had absolutely no other option, i don't think it's fair on neighbours.

Smerlin we were not 'lucky' to afford a semi... we both worked very hard and saved for years to have this option. We didn't want to be in the position where we had to raise a child in a flat, so we took action, just as anyone else can do if they choose to.

Expat I wasn't being 'goady' or personally insulting you, and I didn't recognise you from another thread. I'm just expressing my opinion, which happens to differ from yours.

ILovePud · 14/03/2015 21:34

I think it is quite incendiary to make statements like We didn't want to be in the position where we had to raise a child in a flat, so we took action, just as anyone else can do if they choose to, clearly lots of people can't choose to do this but maybe those people shouldn't be breeding hey?

ThatCuckingFat · 14/03/2015 21:56

OP your neighbour is very lucky you don't have a colicky baby as she would be screaming 24/7 and then he would really have something to complain about. He is BU. She's a baby and she can't help it.
If a neighbour is playing loud music a lot or doing DIY in the middle of the night you can complain to them and rightly so, you can even involve the council if it's bad. You can't do that with a baby.
And for those saying you shouldn't choose to live in a flat with a baby, really?! Houses don't make much difference - we lived in a terraced house a couple of years ago and could hear next doors kids all the time, it's part of life. You can't expect them to apologise for existing. Kids make noise. If you have a neighbour with kids and you don't like it, move.

Original poster
MrsHende · 14/03/2015 21:57

Goodness!

So sorry for the PP who had a colicy baby, I can't begin to imagine how stressful that was. Both of ours needed a lot of rocking and walking for hours every evening but fortunately didn't scream as long as we kept moving, and usually settled by 11pm (after crying from 4pm).

I'm afraid I won't be soundproofing our flat, it's a Victorian tenement with coal ash between the floors which does a relatively good job.

My DH has told me this evening that he reckons the people upstairs are students (and may have been out late last night and suffering a little this morning hence the lower tolerance levels!). He also said he's fairly sure their kitchen is above our bedroom so there is the solution to where to dress the baby when she's unhappy!

OP posts:
Notcontent · 14/03/2015 22:05

I think some people on this thread live in a different universe!! So many assume that living in a flat is a choice!!! What nonsense. If we had a choice, we would all be living in lovely, spacious, detached houses!!!! In many cities in the uk the vast majority of people can only dream of that.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 14/03/2015 22:08

theboat - aren't you a paragon of virtue?! But thanks for the laugh - possibly the funniest thing I've read on Mumsnet. Soundproofing so that a whingey, whining neighbour won't complain about that irritating noise that's been around since the advent of the human race - a tiny baby crying. Because presumably said neighbours didn't cry as babies themselves...? I really have heard it all now...

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/03/2015 22:34

Those rose tinted glasses are lovely. I'll have to get myself a pair.

I fled an abusive relationship with a 6 week old baby in tow. The only homes I was offered were flats. Flats I'm not allowed to sound proof. I picked one in the most family friendly area I could. That's as much choice as I had.

I'm extremely lucky that my neighbours aren't of the opinion that I should have made sure I could afford a detached house before having a baby. I obviously wasn't working hard enough, eh? Hmm

Smerlin · 14/03/2015 22:35

Ah yes theboatisleaking- if only all those pesky London firefighters, nurses, care workers, teachers just worked harder, saved more and took action, they could afford lovely soundproofed semis within commutable distance to work and thus be permitted to breed.

Such a shame that some people can be so divorced from reality.

OP I think you are being more than generous considering changing where your baby changes given your neighbours aren't even polite enough to leave their bubble and speak to you in person. I hope for your sake that this doesn't turn into lifelong moans about toddler early rising, children playing too noisily etc etc

ProudAS · 14/03/2015 22:36

Read the horror stories from theboatisleaking and Jemima.

We can safely say that anyone complaining about crying babies was once one themselves. What we cannot be so sure of is that they ruined neighbour's lives/made them fail exams etc and if they did it would have been their parents' responsibility to address the problem.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/03/2015 22:39

I wish people pontificating on this thread about people's lives being ruined would spare a tiny thought for the fact that someone reading this might have a crying baby and be struggling with it a bit and reading this might make their lives just that bit worse as they imagine their neighbours judging them horribly. Nice.