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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
VegasIsBest · 10/03/2015 23:16

I think you're being unfair. Can you get someone else to come and help or take up the offer of his mum's help if you need support?

meandjulio · 10/03/2015 23:16

Ok I'm really sorry but yes I think he should go. And I think his mother coming is a good idea. Or your mother? Yes he was tactless to try and arrange it without asking you but it was fundamentally a good idea. Could you run to some extra help in that time, if you and a grandparent are around maybe a teenager to take the older ones out to the playground etc?

JanineStHubbins · 10/03/2015 23:16

It's one weekend, four months away. I think you should agree, especially as he's been asked to be in the wedding party.

Scholes34 · 10/03/2015 23:16

I think you are being a little unreasonable. Things will have moved on with regard to sleep by July. Sometimes you've just got to bite your lip and compromise. I'm sure there'll be pay back time before too long.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2015 23:18

I think him asking his mother is a nice thing and a good thing.
Also, could he possibly take the Thursday off work too, and you could gave that day as a break before he goes?

Hypotenuse · 10/03/2015 23:19

I can see both sides. On one hand he is looking at an exciting trip, child free, and getting to be there for his friend. On the other hand you're looking at a weekend with no help when you are pretty close to the edge from what I can gather.

Can I suggest secret option number three? He takes a full week off, weds to weds, giving you two days of his help before he goes away and a day when he gets back too.

If you don't like the MIL don't have her over. Adding a fourth person for you to have to look after isn't going to help anyone.

Qwebec · 10/03/2015 23:20

Oh dear,
Being best man is something v important. Can't you ask a friend or a family to come and help you? I understand that you feel overwhelmed, but I'm sure you will manage and feel stronger for it.
I understand you feel he should have talked to you about it before asking his mum, but he was probably simply seeking a solution to the problem. Will his mother come and help?

mayfridaycomequickly · 10/03/2015 23:20

Does he have much holiday allowance left op? Could he take a couple of days off either side of the trip to be home with you?

I'd try not to get too hung up over him asking his Mum - I've done similar, as in 'mam, before I ask dp - if he's too stretched at work could you please help out on xxx so I can go to xxx'
It would be nice for him to go but ultimately, if it puts you in a position where you'll really struggle then I think he should stay home.

backwardpossom · 10/03/2015 23:20

If there is no issue with being able to afford for him to go, then yes, I think YABU.

VanitasVanitatum · 10/03/2015 23:21

Sorry, I agree I think he should go. It's one weekend, and life is too short to miss these experiences. His mother being there is not a bad idea, you won't be alone.

Totally understand that you are worn down and really wish he wasn't going to be away all that time but it's going to happen occasionally.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 10/03/2015 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flipchart · 10/03/2015 23:22

I think YUBU

samsam123 · 10/03/2015 23:23

YABU he should go its one weekend

AnyFucker · 10/03/2015 23:24

yabu

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2015 23:24

I think you're being unreasonable as well. Can't you arrange for someone else to be with you for the weekend?

defineme · 10/03/2015 23:25

Yabu. I found 3 under 3 hard, but a few months will make all the difference to how you feel. Perhaps you could put something on the calendar for you shortly after his trip?

TwinkieTwinkle · 10/03/2015 23:25

YABU. Can I add, I think playing the SAHM card for situations like this is terrible and probably part of the reason SAHMs can have a bad reputation.

missingmumxox · 10/03/2015 23:26

Sorry I also think this is not unreasonable for him to go and also I give him kudos for trying to find help for you.

That said I would react like you Grin but deep down I would know this is not unreasonable it's 4 days 2 days leave, he will be jet lagged, he will feel like crap the next week.

Take the help offered or arrange some time away yourself with children in tow or not depending on how confident you and your mil are.

PostOfTheDay · 10/03/2015 23:26

If I were you I would happily let him go as it is for such a short amount of time. I had 4 DC in less than 6 years so I understand it's a bit crazy all the time at times. I think the fact he asked his Mum was perfectly ok. It doesn't mean she has to come but it gives you an option.
My DH travels for work so I often had the kids alone. It's not ideal but I found it ok.

PuddingLlama · 10/03/2015 23:27

Sorry, I think YABU. He's given you plenty of notice to find help or make arrangements and it sounds important to him. Your bracketed childless also seems a little...resentful.

MrsRhettButler · 10/03/2015 23:28

I think him taking holiday a couple of days before/after is a really good idea
I think yabu sorry

KissMyFatArse · 10/03/2015 23:29

Yabu

Postchildrenpregranny · 10/03/2015 23:41

Are you perhaps just a teeny bit resentful that it's impossible for you to go to the wedding? .Totally understandable.
I'd wave him off with good grace, having sought and accepted whatever help you see fit-your MIL if you get on and she will be genuinely helpful . And make sure he's maybe had a day off prior so you /he can get meals prepped, shopping in, house 'sorted(if it matters to you) etc .
Would be nice if you could have some 'me' time in 9 months or so when the youngest is a bit easier to leave -a 'spa' day with a friend maybe ?
Respect-I had 4 years betwen my two and I though that was hard

BackforGood · 10/03/2015 23:44

I think YABU too. I think your language about "behind my back" is unfair. I see that as looking for a solution and not wanting to raise your hopes if she was unable to do it. He understands it's hard work at the moment and wanted to give you support whilst he also wants to support a longstanding friend at a very momentous time in his life, at what will (hopefully) be a one off occasion.
I think he's being pretty heroic flying back so soon after such a long distance he's travelling to the wedding, tbh - I'm sure if I were going I'd want to stay a bit longer to make the jet-lag worthwhile.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 10/03/2015 23:44

Of course he should go! It's one of his oldest friends' wedding. You'll most likely be knackered but absolutely fine.