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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:15

I think YANBU
I can see why ppl would say you can't/ shouldn't stop him going.
But i wouldnt leave my dh alone with three children for an overseas wdding. No way.
And I would be royally pissed off if he did that to me

steff13 · 11/03/2015 00:16

The wedding is in the US, groomsman and ushers are different here. Was he asked to be a groomsman or an usher?

AfroPuffs · 11/03/2015 00:16

Can you go off for a few days prior, leave him with the kids while you take a break?

steff13 · 11/03/2015 00:18

Regardless, it's only for a weekend, I think if it's important to him he should be able to go. Do you have a particular objection to your MIL helping?

Original poster
scb2021 · 11/03/2015 00:20

Yes you're right fizzycolagurlie, I am always knackered but I guess it was the thought of effectively doing a 12 day stretch with no help or support because he won't be there for the weekend which just seems hideous. And the fact he's made me feel unsupportive because I'm reluctant for him to go when I make sure he goes on as many stag do's etc as is possible. Obviously I'm just going to have to suck it up and let him go but anyone who has looked after 3 small children will know how absolutely back breaking it is and how you cherish any bit of help you get, especially from your partner. The thought of not having that, even for a short time, is horrible.

OP posts:
ScrabbleScrabble · 11/03/2015 00:22

But Fizzy, that situation wasn't planned was it? (Sounds like a nightmare though, poor you). And your OH was on business - supporting the family.

This will be a situation the OP's husband is choosing to put her in. He could not go. I don't agree with all this 'it's his best mate stuff' really - it's a big, expensive (he can't actually afford it without MIL) ask and the DH & friend should just suck it up. They can celebrate/mark the occasion another time.

Original poster
scb2021 · 11/03/2015 00:22

He was asked to be a groomsman but his friend is Irish not American so I don't know how significant it is. Pretty significant I guess. The guy who was asked to be best man can't now do it as his girlfriend's baby is due 3 days after the wedding. So ok not to go with a new baby but not ok with 3 small ones!

OP posts:
Original poster
scb2021 · 11/03/2015 00:25

Crikey - reading some of these replies; not only should I be happy for him to go, I should be encouraging him to go for longer. He's being 'heroic' flying home so quickly? Really?!

OP posts:
steff13 · 11/03/2015 00:25

Being a groomsman here is more important than being an usher. Usher is a job for 2nd tier friends.Smile If the fiancé is American, I'd say it's our version of groomsman.

He did try to recruit his mother to help in his absence.

PurdeyBirdie · 11/03/2015 00:26

Okay then...when you jointly decided to have three babies in three years did you thrash out the 'you will not leave me alone for a weekend until they're at uni' issue?

olgaga · 11/03/2015 00:27

So DH gets to have a nice trip away that can't be afforded without MILs money and help?

I wonder if MIL would do the same if it was OP who was invited abroad for a friend's wedding.

If "it's only a weekend" why can't MIL pay for them both to go and take on the childcare?

Sorry but this stinks to me. I'd be mightily pissed off if my DH even thought it was an option, let alone decided his mum would be drafted in to "help" without any consultation.

What a fucking nerve Angry .

SenecaFalls · 11/03/2015 00:29

A groomsman in the US is the male equivalent to a bridesmaid.

TendonQueen · 11/03/2015 00:29

I think you should use this as a way to open up discussions about more regular help for you. Maybe a couple of hours for two weekdays so you can sleep? If you weren't permanently run ragged one trip would be less of an issue.

Also, Hypotenuse's suggestion that he takes a whole week off so he can bookend the trip with a few days at home taking the load is brilliant. Can he do this? If he starts muttering about leave then you can remind him of that every time future trips are mentioned.

Inertia · 11/03/2015 00:29

He's being pretty disrespectful by getting his mum involved in the decision making and going over your head- I wouldn't be at all happy about that. Your MIL is not coming across as hugely supportive either- will it help or hinder to have her there?

There are some really good suggestions from previous posters- getting your H to take a day or two either side of the trip to help with childcare is definitely worth doing, as buying in as much as you can that will make life easier. And for heaven's sake don't get involved with any preparations for his trip, such as sorting passports, buying presents or sorting clothes.

StrawberryMojito · 11/03/2015 00:30

Can your family come to help?

I agree that it is a good idea for him to take some annual leave at either or both ends of his trip. On these days you could either have family time or go and visit a friend/ whatever and have a complete break to make the fortnight less relentless.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/03/2015 00:31

As long as you get some childfree time, maybe a weekend away or night out with your friends, then wave him off with a big smile. Don't FFS turn into one of those whining martyrs who wants to make parenthood one long claustrophobic bore because 'the most important thing is faaaaaaaamly'. Longstanding friends matter, too.

NerrSnerr · 11/03/2015 00:33

I was thinking the OP might have a slight point until the comment about the new baby. Of course it's different when you're about to have a baby.

In my opinion it's one weekend and a good friend so if it was me it would be fine.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 11/03/2015 00:34

Balletgirlmum, would it really be divorce territory for your DH to go away for one weekend to go to the wedding of one of his oldest friends? That's pretty sad.

I had 4, with the 3 youngest under 3 (and the 2 youngest, non twins, both under 1) at one point, and both DH and I went away separately during that time as we had family and friend commitments. That's normal give and take in a marriage to me.

ScrabbleScrabble · 11/03/2015 00:37

The job he's been asked to do at the wedding is irrelevant in light of the financial situation / how busy they are at home.

As Olgaga says - if OP was asked to be a bridesmaid at a wedding in the US I bet she wouldn't go.

If a bride gave that situ on MN:
"AIBU to be pissed off my best friend with 2 toddlers & a baby and not much spare cash won't come to my wedding in the US to be a bridesmaid?" I bet everyone would say the bride was BU!

Silver15 · 11/03/2015 00:37

Wow, people don't get married everyday. For someone to even suggest divorce over this, amazes me. You are totally unreasonable. It's his friend and a valued relationship. You are not even funding it!!!!

Thumbwitch · 11/03/2015 00:38

You only have to watch American films like "The Wedding Crashers" to see that often big weddings have a "groomsman" for each bridesmaid, and they stand up there with the wedding couple. So more than an usher, not just another name for one.

DH was a groomsman for his best friend in Australia, and it was similar.

Doesn't really happen in the UK.

OP - to your point - I understand your issues, and would also be cross that he'd asked his mother to help before asking you (mine would doubtless do the same) but I still think YABU to insist he shouldn't go. I think he should go. But I also agree that he should take a week's annual leave to give you a break either side of his weekend away, so that you're not left feeling so unsupported.

Original poster
scb2021 · 11/03/2015 00:38

That is a great idea about him taking extra time off. I really regretted asking the question after being told that I was giving SAHM's a bad name for not wanting him to go (!) but actually the more balanced responses have been incredibly helpful so thank you very much. I will send him off with good grace but ask him to take a day off either side so I get some time away and I will chuck some money at the problem while he is away and get a bit of help with the kids.

PurdeyBirdie - we didn't go into precise detail about when we'd be happy for each other to go away but a six month old baby (together with a 2 and then 4 year old) is nowhere near uni - they are not even at school!

OP posts:
soontobemumofthree · 11/03/2015 00:38

Yabu, if an old friend was getting married and I could afford to go for the weekend I would want my DH to let me go. I have to go on weekend courses sometime, he has to work away some weekends. You have time to sort some arrangement out that would give you a break with that long stretch of days on your own.
Not sure why he had to ask his DM without speaking to you first tho.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:38

Do you know what?
If you accept you have to just suck it up (which I do understand) then I would be arranging some extra help (I actually went a bit mad when my dh was away not so long ago)
And I would absolutely factor in an event involving you being away and leaving him to it.
I expect some ppl would see that as childish.
And I can see that with a young baby it might not be possible now.
But yes, make it happen. Because otherwise I would simmer with resentment tbh.

olgaga · 11/03/2015 00:39

"The male equivalent to a bridesmaid".

That's laughable. Bridesmaids are bridesmaids. Best man is best man.

"Groomsmen" are ushers on the groom's side.

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