To not want my husband to go to the wedding

[scb2021]

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

How was it 12 days? Is something going on the weekend before or did I miss something? I know op you are looking into dp taking time off either side and this sounds like a great idea. You need something to look forward to. Even if its little things like having a bath. Also do all your least stressful things with the kids. Be that staying in or going out.

I always love the posts on threads like that go:

"My husband once left our children in an extremely dangerous situation with no adequate care for an extended period. Of course yours should make your life difficult so he can have fun. He is a man and should not change his life at all just because he decided to have 3 children in 3 years."

OP you sound knackered. Absolutely at the end of your tether. I am shuddering remembering the limping to Friday feeling - and I only had 1 Forget the wedding (it's 4 months away you'll be in a different place). Do you get any time to yourself in the week? Do you have the money to make that happen? Can you get a few nursery hours for all 3? I'm in the adoption process atm and it's really interesting how they drum it into you that you need to carve out rest time. (Both of you) It's rarely mentionned in the baby books. I think your dh is a tiny bit selfish tbh but I suspect he has redeeming qualities. Sounds like he wants to go - but I think your biggest prob is the sheer bloody amount of work (more than him with disturbed nights) that you are doing.

He will be away four days and he's asked his mum if she would be free to give you a hand. Give your permission sounds very controlling. Let him go with good grace, you can then have a days on your own at a later date - spa break maybe.

"It's actually depressing the number of posters telling you to suck it up and send him off with a smile on your face like some 1950's model housewife, keeping him happy whatever the cost. hmm"

Who has said that?

There is no reason at all to wait until a "later date" to get your time off to compensate for the wedding.

I think you should agree to look after his children full time for 4 days so that he can go, but only on condition that

A) he books days off on either side so you don't have a 12 day run with no daytime support

and

B) you also have 4 x 24 hours of child free time to be taken at your discretion, and in whatever blocks of time suit you, starting from the time he books the tickets.

Don't hold out for a similar weekend away. Just take a couple of hours per weekend to yourself and don't bother your head about how he's coping at home.

I'm sure he's not so "clingy" as to refuse.

If you cannot easily afford it he shouldn't go.

And if his mum is willing to give him £1500, he should spend it on his FAMILY, instead of a weekend wedding.

op i get what you are saying about three young dc, [you chose to have them] i've been in the same boat as you, and it is a struggle but you can at least cut him some slack for one weekend at least, imo you are being massively u, and as it is an old friend of course he'd want to go.
if i was in his shoes i would go not matter how much i loved you and the dcs, if you whinged and sulked and i did not go as a result, i would feel deeply resentful towards you. how do you manage normally with three, i know it isn't easy, i had six under the age of ten for a couple of years and managed because i had to and so do many other people - read mners stories on here. he's an adult and this is a 'one off thing'. don't make a big issue out of it, in a week or two this will be over but the resentment could last a lot longer.
sorry but i hope he doesn't cave in to you.

I dont agree you should do anything to keep your man happy like a 1950'housewife I think that's a bit melodramatic it's only one weekend!! If you can get some help and it's not a matter of cost I think he should go. I assume this is the first time in a long time he's gone away so I think you should try and be supportive. You do sound exhausted though so pls try to get dome help even if it is MIL. And maybe plan a weekend where you can get a break and leave the kids with your DH.

FGS Bathtime that's a depressing approach to a relationship. If such terms have to be negotiated then it's buggered.

Btw they are the OP's children as much as they are his children.

Jesus, bath time, that's depressing. Do you have a rota up in the kitchen and a pint of milk each with a line to show how much you've used?

I'd love to know what planet some posters are on.

Of course it's not reasonable for op dh to go away when money is short. Is he going to suggest that op uses a similar amount of money to go away whilst he has the children by himself! I doubt it very much.

When our 2 dc were young, dh turned down several things he'd liked to have done because he refused to spend that much money on just him whilst me and the girls would have had to stay at home.

Yes it's a shame if he doesn't go but as is often said on mn, a wedding is the most important day for the B&B, not the entire world.

Op I think your dh is being incredibly selfish, I can see why he asked his mum to help out but he shouldn't even be going, he has more important priorities now than his friends wedding.

Fuck me this 'cool wife' thing is boring. What does it even mean?

What's so terrible about him going to a friend's wedding for a few days? Yes it'll be difficult but it's not forever. It's a one off.

I'm sure if you went away he'd cover for you (if not then you have a problem but there's no suggestion that he won't) so consider it one in the bank for when you want to go somewhere.

The suggestion he takes time off around it to help you out is an excellent and very reasonable one. Do that.

they may be 'mutual' kids but there is nothing to stop op doing her own thing at a later date if she wants to, kids do grow up and go to school etc.
i don't think this is a 1950's thing at all, in modern relationships, parenting [god i hate that expression] should be equal as fair as possible but as sahm you will, like it or not, have bulk of the child care, i think sparkle sums it up well, you should get your break in due course child free of course.

yanbu I can understand where your coming from, my dp is going away from wed to sun for a wedding when our dt's will be 3 months old and ds is 2 and a half! its a family wedding and we all can't afford to go but I am really not looking forward to it!! then mil had the cheek to wonder how dp was going to cope and he'd definitely need help for the ONE night I was out at the hen, not even an overnighter!

I totally agree with bathtime's approach. The way it's written feels rather, um, transactional, but the idea is spot on.

OP, let him go. It's the wedding of a good mate, the cost is being covered, he's doing his best to keep the time to a minimum. It'll be a tough few days, but you'll cope. Get in extra childcare, factor in some treats for you and the DC. Sorted.

If you follow bath times advice, you'll have a bit if respite beforehand, plus your own timeout to look forward to.

I also don't get the 12 days thing? Is he only away 4 nights?

I also don't get the 12 days thing? Is he only away 4 nights?

Op said her DH works long hours so he is only available to give her a break at the weekend, so if hes away on a weekend, then hes not available to help out until the following weekend.

Monday week 1 through to Friday week 2 is 12 days.

Well I'm glad I had a 'cool' DH who 'let' me go to my friends wedding in Austria for a week when they were 3and 10 months and the other was 11 months.

It never occured to him to ask his mum to help. DH has never insisted on having a spa weekend in return funny enough! Instead over the years when he has wanted to to a F1 race in Europe he has done so and when I've wanted a week away ( see the thread about going on holidays and leaving your kids) I've gone and life has worked out well.

I guess we've managed nearly 25 years together because of give and take. Sure, sometimes having the kids by yourself when they are small it isn't easy but at least it's just for a few days and not a permanent thing like many other posters who post here.

I still can't understand why you are being upset about him asking his mum. I guess it was to see if she could do it in the first instance. She may have said she already had plans or whatever at the time he would be away so there would be no point getting you hopes up.

I have name changed because I don't want a bashing. Op I totally and utterly agree with you and can't believe the responses from so many. Both you and Dh agreed to having 3 children I presume. You are a Sahm, does that mean you have given up your career for them? You support Dh and his long hours I presume? In which case he has to make sacrifices too. I was just about to post as I am ill (fainted this morning) and am on maternity leave with 2 under 2. I have put my career on hold for them, Dh however has continued to progress ( were at same level in the same job before). My credibility at work has gone to shit. I didn't ask him to have today off, but he rang around to see if dm or dmil could have the day off. I was fuming. My mum has but I feel awful. As I see it it is not their responsibility it is ours and if anyone is going to be off it should be him. Ds was very poorly 6 weeks ago and he did the same then as I couldn't get both to doctors/ hospital together as Ds needed my full attention. Why do the men not have to make sacrifices. We do. I chose to yes, but so did he and had he have said he would take te maternity instead of me I would have agreed. He wanted 2 more, I have refused as I don't see why the women have to always pick up the pieces.

I question why anyone who already has children aged 3 and 2, whose husband works very long hours, has no help, and admits that the only thing that keeps her going in the week is knowing that the weekend is the only time she will get some "help" from her husband would agree to having a third child, quite honestly.

What's depressing is the constant reinforcement of the idea that women exist to make men's lives easier.

This dude chose to have 3 children in 3 years.

He can't, surely, have imagined that he would be jetting off on transatlantic flights for parties while his youngest was under a year old.

The early years of parenting involves sacrificing a lot of freedom to socialise.

As well as 3 children under 3 (and one still a tiny baby) he has a wife who is clearly overwhelmed right now.

And his thoughts are on leaving them all on the other side of the planet so he can go to a party.

Now, what I'm advocating is no more transactional than the "book a spa day", "you take your time back later".

The difference is that I'm not just saying it as fake consolation prize that can never be redeemed.

I'm saying - you need a break now. You have a small baby, so 4 nights away is impossible.

But if it's OK to be making plans for time away from your joint children, then you put in for the time you need now.

My relationship isn't transactional. It doesn't have to be, because when I've been overwhelmed my DH hasn't been making solo holiday plans.

What's the point of being married if you can't cling to your spouse when you think you might be about to go under?

iagree

What the hell? Name change gong because you don't want a bashing. You are entitled to an opinion on a anonymous forum you know! You may well still get bashed so what difference does a name change make. It's not like you've come out and said you think ISIS are doing a good job or anything!

Yours is a completely different scenario. In the OPs situation it is something that is a few months away and can be planned for. Yours is an emergency if you are unwell.i have no idea why your career ' has gone to shit' because you had kids but that is a completely different story than the OPs DH wanting to go away for a few days and trying to build in support while he is away.