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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 11/03/2015 06:35

I know it's not the point of the thread, but from what I have seen at some weddings both 'groomsman' and 'bridesmaid' seems to mean "everyone who attended the stag/hen do will be wearing co-ordinated clothes in the photos".

Anyway, looks like you have found a solution OP.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 06:36

You will cope. Of course.
But I really do't see why he feels such an obligation to a friend to be away for 4 nigts, overseas, spending so much money.
I dont get it.
And steff yes, I do consider that a holiday. A couple of flights and a couple if party days in the US. Even the dlight tbh, unencumbered by wriggly, demanding toddlers, a couple of drinks, in- flight movie, bloody luxury imo.
But then I didn't ever sign up for the "cool wife" club when I got married.

AnneElliott · 11/03/2015 06:37

Op I do not think UABU. I would have hated that and I only had one DS.

If he goes, makes sure you get a weekend away and leave him with the kids.

maddening · 11/03/2015 06:39

he could take annual leave either side of the trip and with your dm coming it will be a lot less than a 12 day stretch - he could have 2 days with you before he goes and 2 days when you get back?

if it was a newborn or heavily pg situation it would be totally different imo
and groomsman is the male equivalent of bridesmaid - there is a head bm and a best man and then bridesmaids and groomsmen/ushers

fairylightsbackintheloft · 11/03/2015 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 11/03/2015 06:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 11/03/2015 06:41

I don't usually feel sorry for male partners when it comes to childcare-but I do feel sorry for this poor sod! Going mad at him because he checked to see if his mother was free to help if he did go seems incredibly unfair- it was a perfectly sensible thing to do.

GoldenBeaches · 11/03/2015 06:43

Hmm let's put this into prospective here...I managed 6 months on my own while my dh was deployed to afghan with dc the same age and I was recovering from a stroke which I had suffered after the birth of my 3rd child. No family help and no friends as we had just moved to the area.
Sooo I'm afraid YABVVVU, it's a couple of days for goodness sake!
Grow up!!

Imi22sleeping · 11/03/2015 06:44

We can't you go to?if is mothers coming anyway can't she have the kids my best friend loves in the US and I would be there in a flash

Hakluyt · 11/03/2015 06:46

"
"But then I didn't ever sign up for the "cool wife" club when I got married."

Neither did I. But neither did I sign up for the "clinging vine, can't cope without a man" club. If the roles were reversed I would expect to be able to go to a friend's wedding. Particularly if I had found a source of help for the time I was away.

SummerHouse · 11/03/2015 06:48

I think you will find this easier than you imagine. Not to belittle the sheer effort of looking after small children but I have always found that you get organized and you then find its no more difficult than usual. Good luck op.

wanderingcloud · 11/03/2015 06:49

Really? YANBU. At all.

It's actually depressing the number of posters telling you to suck it up and send him off with a smile on your face like some 1950's model housewife, keeping him happy whatever the cost. Hmm

Bananabix · 11/03/2015 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 06:53

I dont apreciate being told to sod off just because I think its ok to not just suck it up.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 06:54

No. You can't "stop him going"
Because then you fall into the demonised camp of wingeing, clingy, demanding boring wife.

mummytime · 11/03/2015 06:55

I think you need to look into a more permanent solution, and get yourself some respite and help on a more day to day basis. Can you get a cleaner? Between you do some batch cooking, so there is less need on a day to day basis? Can his mother help out more often? Can you even get a babysitter or make use of a creche so you can have a little "me" time?

Bowlersarm · 11/03/2015 06:55

Yabu, I think he should go, but I like the idea of you getting a break either side.

My Dh went to a wedding in America when I had three under 4 and it is a grit your teeth and get through it type of situation. But it is only for a weekend.

antumbra · 11/03/2015 07:00

I think part of having kids is being able to look after them on your own from time to time.

OP you are being unreasonable- you will cope, it's on;t for a few days.

Make sure the freezer is well stocked, arrange some activities or have friends come to visit for a few hours.

When my kids were this age my OH would go on frequent business trips- we had to cope.

Aridane · 11/03/2015 07:05

Yep - YABU.

He has tentatively arranged for his mother to help - and to defray the financial strain, his mother has kindly offered to pay his fare (but, oh no, shame on her for not offering for her to pay for OP + three DCs).

And as for it being divorce territory, well ...

Mrsstarlord · 11/03/2015 07:07

I don't understand the issue with asking mil first if there's any chance she could help out before speaking to you about it.

I also don't understand how if someone is happy for their DH to go to his oldest friends wedding alone they can be in the 'cool wife' club and a 1950s housewife. Can't they just be happy for the person they love to go to their oldest friends wedding and spend the next year planning and saving up for a couples trip to NYC together

LordJabuJabu · 11/03/2015 07:07

Yabu

We have ds1 (3), ds2 (1) & dd (3m), if I were you I'd get an online shop & just do easy food for the time he's away.

And have equal time off the kids at some point in the not to distant future!

MissDuke · 11/03/2015 07:18

12 days straight without even a coffee break away from the kids? Sounds like a nightmare! I really hope he manages to get time off either side. Could you agree to his mum helping, or is she like my mil? (nightmare). He owes you big time for this!

melimelo18 · 11/03/2015 07:29

I think you are being unreasonable as it's only a couple of days (which yes is short considering he is going to the US and will probably be jetlagged his whole trip).

I also find it nice of him to have tried to find a solution regarding the childcare to make it easier for you while he is gone. Him taking extra time off to help you before and after his trip is a good idea, is it a possibility to send your oldest child to grandma or another relative as MIL (at least) seems to live close by ? That could be another solution...

I think in every relationship you got to give and take, he is obviously close enough to this friend to have an important role in the wedding and being in the situation were my closest friends live abroad I can definitely see his side as I would be pretty disappointed if I couldn't go because even though everything was cover (as in expensenses, childcare etc...) dp wouldn't let me go of his side for as little as 4 days.
3 kids are a lot of work but you'll be alright, take a spa day when he gets back and enjoy your time with your dc.

On another note, that's also unreasonable to be cross with your MIL for not wanting to pay for you and your children, it's VERY generous of her to pay for your husband and I am pretty sure you wouldn't expect your parents to pay for your husband holidays either so why should she ?

Anyway, good luck ! You seem exhausted but things will be better in a couple of months when your youngest gets older and start sleeping through the nights ( fingers crossed) Smile

Only1scoop · 11/03/2015 07:30

Yabu

However I probably wouldn't be delighted that he'd arranged cover with his dm without telling you.

Are you happy for her to help out though?

It's a relatively short trip I guess so it's not that he can make it shorter.

Icimoi · 11/03/2015 07:48

OP, if as you say you cherish any help you can get, why are you so determined not to accept MIL's help? As for the people demanding to know why she doesn't pay for both of them to go, does it occur to you that maybe she can't afford it but is offering some financial help in recognition of the strain on family finances?