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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the wedding

335 replies

scb2021 · 10/03/2015 23:13

I am a SAHM to three children, age 3, 2 and 3 months (I know before you say it, mad!). Needless to say I'm finding it really hard going - I don't have any help and my husband works long hours. His (childless) friend is moving to the US to marry his American fiancee and has asked my husband - one of his oldest friends - to be a groomsman. The wedding will be in the US in July and my OH will have to go from Friday morning to Monday night. Basically, I think he should say no. I understand that he wants to go - he is saying that his friendship will suffer if he doesn't - but the only thing that keeps me going all week is the thought of having his help and support at the weekend, and I can't stand the thought of effectively having a 12 day stretch with no help. Behind my back, he asked his mother to come and spend the weekend with me 'incase I said yes' to him going to the wedding. I went mad and told him that all childcare arrangements should be discussed with me before being discussed with his mother. I know that they are old friends, but our children are so young and it is such hard work (the baby doesn't sleep through the night so we're both exhausted) that I feel like his commitment should be to me and the children. He says it's only one weekend and I'm being unfair. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:39

Oh. And good luck, where are you?

Sapat · 11/03/2015 00:41

Oh come on! Of course the best man can't be expected to leave his wife 3 days after the birth (it could be a c section, he might miss the birth if the baby is late, etc), but your situation is completely different. Of course he should go! To be honest I am not sure why you aren't all going? I have 3 young children too and I regularly fly abroad to visit my family with the children on my own. It is a bit stressful but not impossible.

I myself am leaving my husband in July in sole charge of the two children and the baby while I go to my cousin's wedding abroad (children weren't invited). The whole thing lasts 4 days, I have compromised by going on the Friday and returning on the Sunday. Which is also my middle son's birthday. DH is, as would be expected, a bit put out, but I am sure he will cope and the children survive. Tbh as I work full time and we have no family support he has to pull his weight re childcare.

Wantsunshine · 11/03/2015 00:43

Did his friend come to your wedding?

steff13 · 11/03/2015 00:44

Here in the US, a groomsman IS the male equivalent of a bridesmaid. There is a maid or matron of honor, a best man, bridesmaids, and groomsmen. The ushers are separate, arms not as important as the groomsmen. It's not laughable.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 11/03/2015 00:45

OP, try to remember as well that in 4 months time, you will be in much more of an established routine with the baby, sleeping better and, hopefully, it will be sunny so the kids can get outside and wear themselves out in the garden/park! You may well be thriving rather than worrying about how tired you are.

olgaga · 11/03/2015 00:47

If he really has to go and be a "groomsman" at the wedding of a friend he's hardly likely to see again, fair enough.

But if i were you I'd make damn sure I booked myself on a long weekend away or a course or whatever in June.

I'm sure he and DMIL will enjoy the experience.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:47

Nobody has to be his best man. Nobody.
Its a blokey mate thing.
Completely acceptable to eish them well, send a gift anf get on with your own life.
I have a 2 yo and a 4 yo. Im not even a sahm and i find them exhausting.
My dh is pretty hands on but i dont think i would leave him for a jolly overseas and I'd be pissed off if he did that to me tbh.

however · 11/03/2015 00:47

Purdey, have I missed a post somewhere? Why did you bring up 'until they're at uni?'

It couldn't possibly be because you're being goady?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:50

And why would his friendship suffer?
Tbh. I wouldnt even ask this of a friend.
How does having a penis seem to to absolve one of any responsibility when it comes to family life?
Is this what penis envy is really about? The entitlement that comes with it?

however · 11/03/2015 00:51

Olgaga, where I'm from groomsmen are the male equivalent of bridesmaids. Ushers have another role altogether.

TheFullGammon · 11/03/2015 00:51

Get him to take some leave before and/or after and let him go. And if he is going out ofobligation rather than for fun, sympathise with him.

When baby is old enough, take a Sat night away yourself and feel no guilt about him dealing with all 3 for 24 hours or so. I've done this twice when at a really low ebb with little ones and it recharged me like you wouldn't believe.

When DH is going away with work we stock me up with M&S ready meals. Feels like a bit of a treat and saves me cooking. Toddler ready meals are also an option, and no one ever died of having just sandwiches for both lunch and tea in a pinch.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:53

Ahh. Poor dh. Just going on a holiday as an obligation.
Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/03/2015 00:54

fullgammon i like your post.

olgaga · 11/03/2015 00:56

however

Where I'm from (UK) "groomsmen" are the eqivalent of ushers on the groom's side.

My experience includes two US weddings, a US wedding/UK blessing and several UK weddings (including my own).

A swift Google will confirm that what I say is correct. Not that you'll need to, of courseGrin

olgaga · 11/03/2015 01:00

Oh and I should have added: Here in the UK the usual term for "groomsmen" is "mates".

Original poster
scb2021 · 11/03/2015 01:00

His friend did come to our wedding but he lived here at the time, not in the States. And didn't have any children. We can't all go because it would cost about £6k and we can't afford for me to go with him, so that's why I'm not.

TheFullGammon - great post with very useful advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sandbrook · 11/03/2015 01:28

Purdey totally agree though I fear your post may be similar to a giraffes fart and passed over many heads.

Op it's such a short trip time wise, I'm sure when you're turn comes he'll be happy to oblige though I do think there is more to this post than meets the eye.
Who else is going?

steff13 · 11/03/2015 01:36

Ahh. Poor dh. Just going on a holiday as an obligation.

I don't know if I'd consider it that much of a holiday. It's two days between two pretty long flights, dealing with airports, jet lag, etc. It sounds like a giant pain in the tushie, IMO. Hardly two weeks in the Bahamas.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 11/03/2015 02:59

Just to second (or third) other posters that a groomsman is the equivalent of a bridesmaid in the US. I base that on having attended about 120 weddings in the US (including my own and those of my children) all over the country.

Sometimes groomsmen might also function as ushers, but their designation as groomsmen is paramount. At very large weddings, there will probably be ushers in addition to groomsmen.

Andrewofgg · 11/03/2015 05:29

YANBU. You're his wife; they're his kids; they should come before a friend. End of.

Be nice about the MIL side of it - one day if he has to be away you may be glad of her help in emergency.

bimandbam · 11/03/2015 05:53

Yanbu.

£1500 plus spending money plus all the other expenses would get all 5 of you away for a decent beach holiday. Do you have a family holiday booked this year?

And 3 babies for that amount of time while your dp goes on a jaunt is very, very difficult. No doubt you will cope but it will be more stress.

The money thing alone would be enough for my DP to say no. Any extra money we have for holidays is for family holidays not for one of the grown ups to piss off to the states for a wedding That we all can't attend.

It is irrelevant if the role is as groomsman, bridesmaid or bestman.

If this was a different AIBU it would read 'AIBU to want to go to the states to be a bridesmaid for 4 days. I will be borrowing the money to go and leaving the dcs with my dh who will have worked all week. I have asked my dm to help'.

CheerfulYank · 11/03/2015 06:04

Yes, in the US a groomsman is not an usher. My DH's sisters were ushers actually :)

Yanbu to be dreading it. I dread it when DH is gone for an entire Saturday to go ice fishing or something. But I'd still send him off with good graces and invite someone to come stay with me. Good luck!

Noodledoodledoo · 11/03/2015 06:04

MN baffles me. Yesterday I got shouted down when I was in support of a DH going away for a wedding for two nights leaving mum with one DC and being pregnant. This thread complete opposite.

My vote let him go get extra help and use it to your advantage at a later date.

LittleBearPad · 11/03/2015 06:20

YABU. Particularly if he takes some time off either side of his trip to spend with you.

In four months your three month old will be 7 months - a big difference.

Also bringing up the best man whose gf is due to give birth three days after the wedding is absurd. That's a totally different situation.

OddFodd · 11/03/2015 06:20

That's because the OP on that thread was going to be 4 weeks off her EDD Noodles. And the wedding was not of a close friend. But yeah, otherwise an identical situation. :hmm: