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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh child was a one night stand

144 replies

proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 18:52

This was of course b4 me I met him when baby was 4 weeks. What annoys me is this is the 2nd child she conceived through one night stand. Any way not that that matters but it annoys me that he can't remember and he was intoxicated (is it possible to orgasm for him if he was that bad? he says it would be if u never had sex for full year) anyway what really annoys me is I feel she took advantage and if it was a man sober slept with intoxicated woman it would be looked at in a different light? My husband is a shy respectable man he wouldn't be type to sleep around.. An in his right mind he did never look at this woman she is very dirty looking bad teeth poor hygiene. This woman annoys me she is really rough lives in a house that is so dirty doesn't bath child child always vomits I think cos of the level of dirt. I love dsd I just hate the circumstances and am I being unreasonable to have it annoys me? This woman started making up illnesses about child to meet her at hospital to be sent home coming up to our wedding three times in one week and thinks she is more to dh than Wat she simply is a one night stand and mother of his child but no relationship. She friended all dhs friends on fb that she doesnt kno tryst with his family to friend on fb they don't get it either. Am I being unreasonable to dislike her so strongly?

OP posts:
Original poster
proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 21:56

Thank you michah u have understood exactly what I meant

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 08/03/2015 21:56

Op read your original post again and you'll see why people have said what they have said.

Whether you like it or not, he had sex with her and a child was conceived, you now need to deal with that and slagging off the mother is not going to help anyone.

Original poster
proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 22:00

Magoria she was sober. I kno I need to let it go. Dh can't remember being with her that's why he done paternity. his cousin was at party an confirmed she did go in his room.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/03/2015 22:01

The fact is, your shy respectable man got pissed out of his head and fucked this woman...resulting in the birth of his child.

You knew this when you married him, so the rest is irrelevant.

Slagging off the child's mother makes you sound very bitter.

magoria · 08/03/2015 22:04

How do you know she was sober?

Original poster
proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 22:07

Because she drove her sister to party her sister was going with husband cousin and his mates confirm it. Anyway I am being unreasonable so maybe I need few harsh comments

OP posts:
youarekiddingme · 08/03/2015 22:07

MrsDV you can add that bit to read something interesting about you. I'm not sure many people do. Most people have a profile or they don't!

OP having read your updates your coming across as far more coherent and kinder.

However....... Your DH had a ONS many years ago. Clearly it became am permanent responsibility for him but it happens. And no, I don't think the tother way round would be better or worse. He got so drunk he wasn't able to have safe sex - his responsibility.
What I don't understand is why after meeting him with 4 week old DD, staying with him, marrying him, having more children with him your worrying about this. As long as your DH is doing his best by his DD with yiur support that's what matters at this point.

ThatCuckingFat · 08/03/2015 22:12

Sorry OP but are you trying to suggest it bordered on rape? The way you say if it was a woman who was intoxicated it would be looked on in a different light? And being taking advantage of etc. I'm not so sure, you're crossing into a strange area there but the fact is he got drunk and slept with her and it's his responsibility. He can't have been unconscious to do so. And have you ever thought he may well be just telling you he doesn't remember it?
You knew all this when you met him anyway, and you still married him. You need to let it go IMO. If you had such a problem with it I don't think you should have married him.
She lets you both be involved in the child's life which is great. Try to just be a positive influence in the child's life, be happy with your husband and your family and don't waste your time worrying so much about her.

Original poster
proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 22:14

Because dh was single I fell in love with him him having a child was not a deal breaker I don't bring it up to him I guess It plays in my mind an now I've shared it it is irrelevant I do need to let it go. My husband is my soul mate it's not a major issue it might be because she pregnant again its playing on my mind. And I love this child she loves me I treat her equally to other dc

OP posts:
ILovePud · 08/03/2015 22:14

It sounds like you have invested a lot in confirming this narrative that your DH didn't know what he was doing and that she's a skank who took advantage of him. I wonder if you let go of this whether you'd be happier? your DH needs to take responsibility for his actions and for the welfare of his DS is that is a genuine concern.

CrispyFern · 08/03/2015 22:16

You just have to get on with things the way they are now, don't think about the past in this way, it will only leave you bitter. Look out for your DSD, it sounds like you do, and it sounds like she needs it.
If you love her, which you say you do, then think, all that happened before was a blessing in disguise because it brought you someone you love into your life. How can that be a bad thing?

Purplepoodle · 08/03/2015 22:20

I think u need to move on. He had sex with her drunk or not, he let himself get in this situation. I feel your trying to justify his actions by making her sound like a cunning rapist. Accept they had sex, she got pregnant and they have a dd. Even if he had full consensual sex with her, he may be embarrassed so makes up a story or embellishes it so he doesn't look so bad.

Meloria · 08/03/2015 22:20

No one is covering themselves in glory in this story, are they, least of all you OP.

This is like something from Nethuns.

ThatCuckingFat · 08/03/2015 22:27

The fact is if it was a woman who got drunk, intoxicated, barely conscious and a man had sex with her he could do so whether or not she was conscious, without her actually consenting, which is rape.
With a man being drunk, it's actually the man who has perform, if you know what I mean. He must have done it, willingly, which is consent, regardless of whether he can remember it now or whether he was drunk. The two are not the same thing. I know it is possible for a woman to rape a man, but not a common or easy thing to happen.

Or am I missing something?

I think you are trying to make excuses for him OP to diminish his responsibility.

MissMedusa · 08/03/2015 22:41

OP I absolutely understand your point, although you didn't put it across very well. It is definitely possible for a woman to rape man but unfortunately very few men come forward due to the stigma and this thread is proof why. if you had reversed the genders in your post everyone would be crying rape. Rape doesn't have to involve violence or physical force it just has to involve a person not being able to consent (intoxication is one reason a person might be incapable of consenting but there are also others). Frankly, I'm appalled at the responses you're getting.

MissMedusa · 08/03/2015 22:52

That said, it seems your husband is stepping up and doesn't, himself, perceive it as rape (even if it could be considered that legally) and hasn't been suffering any psychological damage as a consequence so it's probably best if you move on from it and accept the situation as it is.

Original poster
proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 23:02

Thank you miss medusa. Your post is exactly what I'm trying to put across. If my husband wasn't so drunk and rememberd he wud say it was foolish thing he done. he was single no reason to lie. But why a sober girl would want to sleep with very drunk man is beyond me. I assume she planned to get pregnant as this is third baby to one night stand (assuming this baby is same as she has no boyfriend no man in picture) do u think it right a woman sleeping with foolish drunk men to get pregnant fair play? Yes I love child without a doubt. it's not ideal we do put up with a lot From her demands And games

OP posts:
Original poster
proudmummywife · 08/03/2015 23:06

He believes she was cunning and planned the baby he does feel he was taken advantage of. but has a child he loves dearly And he hates to talk about it as he feels guilty on child and as contradicting as this sounds neither of us would change her. It's just the morals of the woman annoys me.

OP posts:
ThatCuckingFat · 08/03/2015 23:09

Sorry to chime in again proudmummy but in answer to your question, a woman going round sleeping with random drunk men just to get pregnant, no of course that's not ok. But you have no proof that this woman did that, and it's not really any of your business. What happened is between your husband and the woman, and what's done is done. Sorry but just let it go. Enjoy your relationship with your step daughter and let her mother get on with whatever she wants to do, and if you and your DH have real worries about the child's welfare apply for custody.

WineListPlease · 08/03/2015 23:20

Your DH got drunk - but was sober enough to have sex. Maybe she manipulated him, maybe he didn't need much manipulation, but he did have control over the situation.
The fact that it niggles you is irrelevant and entirely your problem.
Even if this was totally out of character for him, it was still his choice and he has clearly taken responsibility for that.
I suspect that some of your complaints about her are based on your opinion, but if you do have genuine concerns about the child's safety, then you need to report them to SS.

pinkyredrose · 09/03/2015 00:07

Third baby? I thought she'd had 2 pregnancies to ONSs?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2015 00:41

3 ?

minkGrundy · 09/03/2015 01:03

She is apparently pregnant again.

Otoh if she can find 3 men irresponsible enough to have unprotected sex, she may be manipulative but they are equally responsible.

However, as to the is it possible to rape a man. Yes. Is an erection indicative of consent. No. No more than a woman being lubricated is indicative of consent. And I believe this has been tested in law in US.

At the very least, having sex with someone, be they male or female when they are so drunk you cannot be sure they consent, is not on. In much the same way as the fact that many men get erections when they are asleep doesn't mean it is ok to hop on board.

Slightly Shock at some attitudes on this thread.

steff13 · 09/03/2015 01:11

So, did he have a DNA test or not?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/03/2015 01:14

A legal defence for rape when inability to consent due to intoxication is involved is reasonable belief in consent i think thats why ched evens was convicted but the other bloke involved was not.

I would guess it was not an odd thing for a woman to have a reasonable belief of consent if a bloke put his penis in her vagina