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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to have any sort of meal with MIL again?

107 replies

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 15:33

When she makes a meal, she has to clean everything before she'll eat her own. So today, at lunchtime, we had the kids sitting down at the table, she serves everything and then proceeds to wash all of the dishes, wipe down the oven, put on a washing and then sit down finally to eat her own. When she finally does sit down, she gulps her food (seriously, a penguin chews more than she does) and leaps back up again to start cleaning up our plates!

I feel so rude because DD is only 3 and she can't wait to eat, and then gets bored. DH just eats as soon as he gets his because he says she's always done this and he's not going through life eating cold food.

I really like her as a person and I'd like to sit down and eat with her and talk about her week but my goodness this drives me MAD.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/03/2015 15:36

It is strange behaviour.

What's her reasoning when you ask her about it?

ChipDip · 08/03/2015 15:36

So why not just carry on eating? Her choice to clean up immediately.

onepieceoflollipop · 08/03/2015 15:36

Just do what your Dh does and tuck in. If it makes you feels better, say something like "ooh mil, this looks delicious, I am going to eat it right away while it is nice and hot". She is being bad mannered (probably not meaning to) but eating your food when it is cold won't change anything.

DandyHighwayman · 08/03/2015 15:36

Urgh my fil is like this. Luckily we live many hundreds of miles away. Moo ha ha.

Erm, not very helpful to you, though.

WorraLiberty · 08/03/2015 15:36

Has she ever actually said she expects you all to wait and eat cold food?

My ex MIL was like that but no-one had to wait for her, so we just let her get on with it.

MrsTawdry · 08/03/2015 15:36

Well yabu. I assume she is over 50 so unlikely to change. She may be unable to eat until things are "right" in her mind. Just deal with it.

Original poster

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 15:37

It's just so utterly annoying

She doesn't like leaving a mess behind her.

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 08/03/2015 15:38

She sounds as if she is being unintentionally rude. Can you eat out or cook yourself?

nochocolateforlentteacake · 08/03/2015 15:39

She sounds like my mum - never still for a second! It was a family joke that she'd clear your plate away and have it stacked before you'd finished the last mouthful. We put it down to war generation and ocd.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 15:39

If your DH starts eating before she's sitting down, then it's unlikely that she's bothered by it. I'd just start eating without her.

notquitegrownup2 · 08/03/2015 15:43

How old is she? Does she generally suffer from anxiety? My mum was always a bit like this - she had to wipe the hob down before stains dried and had to put any pans she had used to soak, so there was always a bit of a delay. She now has dementia, and is much more like your MIL.

As your dh says, she is highly unlikely to change now. Its sad as you never get to sit down at her house and enjoy a relaxed meal together - does she relax when she comes to yours? Can you go to her for supper instead, perhaps, which might be cold and more relaxed?

Original poster

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 15:44

She doesn't like my cooking and has a heart attack when DH so much as turns the oven on, never mind cook a meal

Eating out is a nightmare because she wont eat... she moves her food around while declaring loudly that she's having a great time every 5 minutes.

Argh. Must unclench and try to relax.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 08/03/2015 15:44

My mam wasn't like this when we were children, but since we've all moved out she feels more in control of the enviroment and better able to keep everything to the standards she prefers. At this point, she has started cleaning everything before she sits to eat. I do tell her that it's unnecessary and must spoil her meals but she can't relax looking at mess.

Each to their own, I guess, but I find it stressful when we visit.

FelineLou · 08/03/2015 15:46

One year my MIL cooked (and served) her Christmas turkey a week early to "get it over with"!
I don't know what they ate Christmas Day.

KillmeNow · 08/03/2015 15:49

My SIL is exactly like this and its very uncomfortable being served by her - she insists on this - and then watching while she does all sorts of tasks. She will often think of and then prepare another item to add to the meal -while we are eating the original planned meal. This means of course she cannot possibly sit while she is so busy. We have tried over the years to protest, to help ( she hates this) and to bring food already prepared (hates this even more).

Its nerves with her though. She just cant sit and relax during a meal and will do anything to prevent this. Once the food is out of the way though she is relatively happy to sit and chat.

She will not change now so its not worth trying any more I should think. she must be happy enough in herself - even if its uncomfortable being in her presence. Eat up and enjoy the food while its hot.

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 15:52

Just let her get on with it even if she's annoying. I think it's probably a nervous thing and a habit. No point in taking her to task about it if you get on well usually.

iniac · 08/03/2015 15:52

Just eat with dh. Has she actually told you to wait for her?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 15:52

Household of boys by any chance? And she always waited on them hand and foot?

If that sounds familiar I would pity her not be cross. Years of skivvying and being at the bottom of the pecking order makes some women behave like this and it's very hard to break that sort of social conditioning even if the enablers aren't there any more to create the conditions.

MaryWestmacott · 08/03/2015 15:52

It does sound like she doesn't like eating. Doesn't see it as a social occasion and a chore to be fitted in with others and something that has to be done for fuel that creates other chores that she'd rather get done.

Agree, stop food based social events with her. don't go for meals or invite for meals, if she lives close enough, invite her over the the afternoon (possibly do a lighter 'tea' with sandwiches and cakes or buffet she can help herself to or leave?).

It is strange as our culture is so based round food being a social and group experience, that meeting people who don't view it that way or like eating for pleasure, seems really hard to cope with.

She's clearly too old to change, so stop trying to make food social.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 15:53

The best thing to do is just accept it and find a coping strategy - eg not waiting for her and just eating as normal.

Original poster

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 15:55

Thing is she loves chocolate, cake and desserts so she will sit with me and gab then. It's really nice spending time with her then. I just find it so stressful when she's rushing round the kitchen!

Household of boys by any chance? And she always waited on them hand and foot?

Boys and girls... she really spoiled all her kids.

OP posts:

iniac · 08/03/2015 15:57

I don't agree with the posters who are saying it's nerves or social conditioning- that just sounds incredibly patronising.

Maybe she just likes to get everything done so that she can sit and chill out afterwards.

SoupDragon · 08/03/2015 15:58

She sounds as if she is being unintentionally rude

No, she sounds like she has some kind of obsession with clearing up.

pregnantpause · 08/03/2015 16:04

Yabu

My mil does this. Her family just eat without her, and taking my lead from them I do too. Isn't it rude for you to sit looking at your plate pointedly while everyone around you eats, and you meanwhile put pressure on your mil to sit and eat the way you want her to it would be more polite for you to just listen to your dh, her son, who eats when his food is presented as is the norm in their family

Meow75 · 08/03/2015 16:06

A friend of mine, in the knitting group I go to used the funds that she had saved up while we were all saving for our Christmas meal to buy more knitting stash as she doesn't view having a meal as a social occasion and only eats because she has to, to stay alive.

I totally DO NOT get that POV, but each to their own.

I still think she's crazy though!!!

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