to refuse to have any sort of meal with MIL again?

[OneHappyBunny]

When she makes a meal, she has to clean everything before she'll eat her own. So today, at lunchtime, we had the kids sitting down at the table, she serves everything and then proceeds to wash all of the dishes, wipe down the oven, put on a washing and then sit down finally to eat her own. When she finally does sit down, she gulps her food (seriously, a penguin chews more than she does) and leaps back up again to start cleaning up our plates!

I feel so rude because DD is only 3 and she can't wait to eat, and then gets bored. DH just eats as soon as he gets his because he says she's always done this and he's not going through life eating cold food.

I really like her as a person and I'd like to sit down and eat with her and talk about her week but my goodness this drives me MAD.

I used to houseshare with a girl who started cooking dinner timed for the arrival of her boyfriend. His meal would be plated up, put on a tray and placed in front of him. Whatever was left was put into one of the saucepans (i.e mashed potatoes, chop, green vegetables, gravy) from which she would eat her dinner, in between washing up and cleaning the kitchen.

In all the time I lived there, I never saw her sit down and eat with her BF, only the left overs from a saucepan.

My mother does this. She likes being a martyr. If she sat down with us and enjoyed the meal then she would not be able to say that she has done all the work while we sat and ate. Sadly for her we are all immune to it and just eat our meal while she treats herself like hired help. Nothing we have said or done over the years has made any difference, so we have long since learned to ignore her. You will eventually reach your dh's level of indifference and resignation. I nearly had to chain my youngest sil to the dining room chair to stop her trying to help out mum in the kitchen (this will NOT be tolerated and should not be attempted). Sil is now One of Us. Mum is still cleaning the oven while we eat.

I may be wrong but I feel like this might have been normalish behaviour for a housewife in the mid-century? Perhaps it's what her mother did?

Sound a like she has food/eating issues.

She's avoiding communicating on the table with you.

My MIL does something similar.

I should have divorced DH over it.

SoupDragon and Movingon..., perhaps "bad mannered" isn't the right wording and I certainly didn't mean to say I thought MIL was being deliberately bad mannered.

Her behaviour certainly sounds a bit disruptive though and quite unusual. I would find it a bit surprising if I went to someone's home for a meal and they didn't join us for said meal until they had cleaned up. Like the OP I wouldn't really know whether to tuck in or wait. As I said in my pp, it wouldn't make me refuse to eat with her. It would take me by surprise the first few times it happened though. It's not the sort of behaviour anyone expects is what I am trying to say.

My mother used to do it and we ignored it. It made her happy to bustle about.

In later years she'd come to me and sit in front the telly peeling potatoes for the shepherd's pie while I worked in the kitchen.

She loved Delia Smith's shepherd's pie with potatoes, leeks and cheese on top.

She'd always say: 'Ooh! Should I come and help you?' But she clearly never meant it while she was catching up on Stella or Spartacus.

Personally I think it sounds like she has some kind of OCD. It is no more "bad mannered" in any respect than someone with depression is "miserable".

I don't think its about avoiding you op, or else she wouldn't invite you to eat.

I'm a bit like this, I wash and tidy as I go and start doing the washing up when I've put the food on the plates and served up. Reason I do it is so I can sit and relax without thinking about the dreaded washing up.

My ex dp used to moan about, but I do think part of the reason I do it is because I do have a few OCD traits and suffer from anxiety, so op I wouldn't take it to heart

sounds like a cleaning OCD . I think you just have to go along with it . if DH doesnt wait, then do the same as him

Fenella - has your mother ever contemplated getting help? She has a very serious mental illness.

Tip of the iceberg, mintyy! And no, she refuses and gets frighteningly aggressive if you try to suggest she gets help. She does not meet the criteria for help against her will (I did not try to access this for the cleaning btw but for other reasons) and will not choose to be helped so there's very little that can be done, sadly.

How is she being a 'martyr' or rude?
I can't abide the reverence of dinner table conventions.

Yabu. She doesn't want to eat straight after cooking, for whatever reason it is her business as long as she is happy for the rest of you to eat.

Its mild OCD, my mother was the same. She wouldnt accept help either, too territorial. I think you have to be practical and accept she doesnt find eating a social event unless its coffee/cake/dessert. So... next time eat before you go but turn up with lovely desserts & cakes and 'proper' coffee. If she says anything just say we thought this would be more relaxed for everyone and we can enjoy your company more.

She sounds like she may have OCD? Best to just eat the food and let her eat hers when shes ready.

iniac - because if you ask someone to eat with you, you really should eat with them! it's why it's drummed into you not to start eating until everyone's been served, because usually, eating a meal as a group is a social occasion, not being provided with food, which you eat on your own, then your host eats later.

But OP, the not enjoying eating at yours or eating at a restaurant where there's no fear of unwashed dishes she'll have to do later suggests this really has nothing to do with the actual cleaning up, but more avoiding having to sit at a table with a group and eat together. She clearly wants to see you, and inviting for a meal is the social norm, but she doesn't want to eat a meal with you. It could be she's asking you for lunch because that effectively means she gets to spend the bulk of the day with you and her DGD, she just finds a way of avoiding the meal part of the day.

If you really can't face saying something or suggesting just coming over after lunch for pudding, ask her to yours again, but for a more relaxed buffet meal - so she doesn't have to sit at a table with you all or eat at the same speed as everyone else.

It does sound more like she's got an eating disorder of some kind and she's found a coping mechanism that works for her, the just pushing food about at a restaurant and not eating suggests the hiding in the kitchen cleaning up might have far more to do with not wanting to be seen eating or not wanting what/how little she is eating to be noticed. Being happy to eat cakes and treats doesn't mean she doesn't have an unhealthy relationship with other foods, particularly if she's only happy eating those not at a table...

I really don't think yabu to not want to eat with this person! Don't go for meals if you don't want to and tell her why. How could she blame you for it?

My mil is a bit like this.

Makes a big fuss about serving everyone, checking numerous times if you like each componant of the meal. She serves every person individually in which ever room of the house they want to eat in and cuts up their food, adds salt, despences sauces ect. Then fully cleans the kitchen, collects everyone's dishes offering puddings, washes dishes, dishes up pudding, waits for people to eat it and washes up and puts everything away.

When she finally sits down to eat a whole new preformance begins. She tries a few mouthfuls before having to go and heat it up several times in the microwave until it's deemed hot enough to eat. She'll then complain about how bad the food is, ask why we didn't say X was inedable when we were eatting it, pushing until someone eventually makes a negitive comment about the food which will make her either burst into tears or start screaming at people. The rest of her food will then go into the bin. Half an hour later she'll decide that she's hungery and set about putting tea on the table for everyone else who are still stuffed.

When I first met dh I didn't see this side of her. For the first year or so she'd sit at the table and eat. It was very plesent to go and have sunday lunch with them. But shortly after we married she reverted to form, refusing all offers of help while cooking and cleaning up until exploding about how ungreatful and unhelpful everyone is. We acept very few invertations for meals now, usually only doing a cooked post christmas lunch once a year. Dh will sometimes go out by himself for sunday lunch but always comes back in a foul mood and swears never to do it again.

Mil does not eat at other people's houses, apart from auntie in law's, and only pushes food around her plate when she goes for a very rare meal out. She can just about manage tea and cake at our house by bringing her own cake, plate and knife to cut it with.

Drives me crakers.

My apologies if she has OCD. Of course I wouldn't accuse someone with a serious mental illness of having bad manners for displaying traits of that illness.

I'm so glad that other people understand, although its horrible to think a generation of women seem to be like this.

I was really cross this afternoon with her for some reason PMT. It's incredibly frustrating but I will try and have more sympathy.

Thanks everyone

I'm like this. I never considered it rude, I just really hate dishes not being cleaned up before eating. I wouldn't ever expect anybody to wait for me to eat though.

I do have anxiety but not sure this is part of that (for me, I mean).