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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to have any sort of meal with MIL again?

107 replies

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 15:33

When she makes a meal, she has to clean everything before she'll eat her own. So today, at lunchtime, we had the kids sitting down at the table, she serves everything and then proceeds to wash all of the dishes, wipe down the oven, put on a washing and then sit down finally to eat her own. When she finally does sit down, she gulps her food (seriously, a penguin chews more than she does) and leaps back up again to start cleaning up our plates!

I feel so rude because DD is only 3 and she can't wait to eat, and then gets bored. DH just eats as soon as he gets his because he says she's always done this and he's not going through life eating cold food.

I really like her as a person and I'd like to sit down and eat with her and talk about her week but my goodness this drives me MAD.

OP posts:
Aridane · 08/03/2015 19:09

YABU - take a leaf out of your husband's book and just start etaing

StrawberryAndScream · 08/03/2015 19:25

My mum used to do this. Served up mountainous portions to us all then faffed around clearing up etc like your MIL, and would not sit down with us. Then a friend, who noticed her doing this, pointed out that it was the classic behaviour of someone trying to cover up the fact they have issues with food. The penny dropped. Turned out mum was anorexic. The friend knew her stuff, she was a recovering anorexic herself. Your MIL may well like a dessert and a cuppa, but that could be all she will eat that day.

SuggestmeaUsername · 08/03/2015 19:29

some people also can't relax eating in close proximity to others and may get nervous and uncomfortable and so if this was what was up with your MIL then that could explain her behaviour. if it isnt a cleaning OCD, then maybe this is another possibility

BeyondRepair · 08/03/2015 19:38

it sounds like she needs to clench and relax, flinches when her son touches the oven? has declared she doesnt like your cooking?

if you genuinely like her then i think you need to kindly say can she please try and either eat normally with everyone else, or you wont be able to eat there. perhaps cake and tea would be best? why should her guests haev to sit through this?

its very controlling.

Tapirbackrider · 08/03/2015 19:42

My dh does this. He adores cooking, especially sunday lunches, but can't relax and eat his unless everything has been washed up. It used to stress me when the dcs were younger and less willing to wait to eat, but now they're older and able to help it's much more relaxed and takes very little time to get done.

BeyondRepair · 08/03/2015 19:42

FenellaFellorick Sun 08-Mar-15 16:44:49

It sounds like your DM and some others on here have some real issues, coming out as cleaning the worse thing you can do is offer to help and increase the idea that it needs to be done
your supposed to force them to leave things, its OK, leave the dishes, then we will all help after!

other wise your feeding into the need that it has to be done, or else....

BeyondRepair · 08/03/2015 19:43

it seems the cleaning of the dishes is ruining the whole point of a lovely meal together.

SuggestmeaUsername · 08/03/2015 19:43

I would say just put up with it for your MIL and DH's sake. it might not be great fun but if it is as a result of a mental health issue, you just need to be understanding.

BeyondRepair · 08/03/2015 19:45

base9 Sun 08-Mar-15 17:34:46

we have one of these, total marytr behaviour and its really frustrating as its only doing what we all do unless we do have servants, every single day! we all cook, we all somehow and in some time get plates etc clean but some of us like you say like to make it into hard graft...sad.

Janethegirl · 08/03/2015 20:00

I like to have the pots and pans washed before I serve dinner but that's because they can't go in the dishwasher.
I tend to transfer the food to serving dishes, keep warm in oven, then call people to the table when the pots have been washed and surfaces tidied. Then I put the serving dishes on the table.
Everything on the table then goes into dishwasher at the end of the meal.
However I do know I'm a control freak Grin

SandysMam · 08/03/2015 20:03

Eughhhh reading this gave me a flashback of my ex who was just like this. I did the cooking, he did the cleaning up after, except I would slave for ages to make a delicious dinner which he would leave to get cold on the table for 20 mins while he cleaned the kitchen. This would be accompanied by a rant about how messy and disgusting I was so by the time we sat down to eat all the joy would be taken out the lovingly prepared meal. Thanks OP, I love reminding myself how glad I am to be rid of the bastard!! Vent vent...

deste · 08/03/2015 21:08

I'm the same, before I sit down to eat everything is tidy and the worktops cleaned down. I put utensils and pots etc into the dishwasher as I finish with it so it only takes a couple if minutes. I don't want to go back to a mess.

dotdotdotmustdash · 08/03/2015 23:40

I visited a friend recently at about 11am in her home. Her dd was at school and her husband was at work. The kitchen was immaculately clean, but I noticed that the dining table was set for dinner and there were two plates of cooked food with plastic lids over them and two covered glasses of juice sitting on the table.

Apparently she does this every morning when they've both left. She cooks their evening meal, covers it and leaves it on the table. When they're ready for it in the evening she takes the plates back into the kitchen and microwaves them. She absolutely can't stand the kitchen being messed up during the day. Very odd.

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 23:47

I couldn't stand the thought of my meal laying cold on a table all day and then being heated up in a microwave. It sounds awful. Though I suppose it would do no harm but it's just the thought that would put me off eating it. I don't do Sunday roasts now because they're too messy so I suppose we all have our little quirks.

FenellaFellorick · 09/03/2015 07:56

Beyond - the idea of forcing my mother to do anything brought a smile to my face.

Short of all leaping on her and tying her to a chair, there is nothing on earth that would force her to not do it.

I have no power to drag her out of the kitchen and make her sit and eat.

Mum, leave it, come and eat, we'll do it after.

She would not say ok and obey. Oh no.

If I carried on trying to tell her what to do, her dinner would be sliding down the wall about 5 seconds later and I'd be ducking under the table.

a2011x · 09/03/2015 08:03

My partners family do this , we just eat when it's served as they want us to

DontDrinkandFacebook · 09/03/2015 08:07

dotdot she sounds like someone I might like to slap. Christ, what a way to live. Hmm

WizardOfToss · 09/03/2015 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mayfridaycomequickly · 09/03/2015 08:16

My mam does this - she came to ours for Christmas dinner and tried washing up and cleaning the kitchen after I'd served starters (main dinner was timed ish so she was doing my head in and messing up dinner)

I had to really nag her / insist that shs sat and ate!

VeryAgedParent · 09/03/2015 08:39

I'm a bit like this, but I tend not to sit down when the others are eating their starters, loading the dishwasher instead with the used pots etc.
We have a large family and when they are around there is usually 12+ people to feed, so if I didn't start the clearing/cleaning early I would be up beyond midnight clearing up.

TerrorAustralis · 09/03/2015 09:01

My MIL is a bit like this, but not as bad. She can't seem to sit still.

She will sit and eat with us, but jumps up 20 times during the meal to get something else. Offers to cook extra dishes because we might not like what she's made. Constantly asks if we're enjoying it. Asks if we're not hungry (even after having two or three helpings). Piles my DS's plate with food, then chastises him for wasting food.

It's the same even when we don't have a meal. Constant offering of food and drink. Offering random things to make us comfortable. It's bizarre some of the things she has offered over the years.

Like the PPs have said, it's the opposite of relaxing. I hate it. I do wonder if for some reason I make her nervous, but I think it's just her personality.

When she comes to us, she's much more relaxed.

We live abroad now, so don't have to put up with it very often.

KERALA1 · 09/03/2015 09:24

Roast dinners terribly anti social very labour intensive at last minute. Smart hosts do a pre made bung in oven dish then open some bagged salad, glug some wine and chat to guests. These martyr twitchers totally missing the point it's not about the food but all being together. Who decided roasts were our national dish anyway? A non roast making man I bet.

loveareadingthanks · 09/03/2015 10:00

'Roast dinners terribly anti social very labour intensive at last minute.'

No...roasts are a piece of piss. Get it all in the oven, done. Go back with guests. turn hob/steamer on under veg 10 minutes before serving, done. Go back with guests. Gravy takes a couple of minutes while serving up. Done, Go back with guests.

I hate this sort of behaviour. It makes it pointless to have a meal together because, well, you aren't having a meal together.
I think it's often down to eating disorder/mental health issue.
Or being a rude controlling person.

Sometimes it can be a different idea about what a meal with others is for, what it is you are doing. Some people see it as 'feeding' people and don't even understand or want a socialising element. Makes me feel like a monkey at the zoo (ooh ooh keeper throws in bucket of bananas and disappears). I can 'feed' myself perfectly well at home. I want to eat with you. That's different. I feel sorry for people for whom food is nothing more than monkey fuel.

CharityD · 09/03/2015 10:48

Have a family member who does something similar. I think there is an element of martyrdom to it in their case, as people start saying, 'come eat your own dinner' bla bla, but they keep fussing, carving extra meat and so on. I think there is an element of 'don't mind little me' in it, so I don't join the chorus anymore.

OP, I'd just eat when the food is hot. It could be ingrained habit, with your MIL, it could be something deeper.
If you like her otherwise, and enjoy her company, and visiting her, I wouldn't refuse to have meals there.

BeyondRepair · 09/03/2015 10:53

I think it's often down to eating disorder/mental health issue.
Or being a rude controlling person.

^^ yes its show time, a way of getting attention, they are in control....cant but help notice them when making such a show.