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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to have any sort of meal with MIL again?

107 replies

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 15:33

When she makes a meal, she has to clean everything before she'll eat her own. So today, at lunchtime, we had the kids sitting down at the table, she serves everything and then proceeds to wash all of the dishes, wipe down the oven, put on a washing and then sit down finally to eat her own. When she finally does sit down, she gulps her food (seriously, a penguin chews more than she does) and leaps back up again to start cleaning up our plates!

I feel so rude because DD is only 3 and she can't wait to eat, and then gets bored. DH just eats as soon as he gets his because he says she's always done this and he's not going through life eating cold food.

I really like her as a person and I'd like to sit down and eat with her and talk about her week but my goodness this drives me MAD.

OP posts:

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 08/03/2015 16:08

Would you/dh be allowed in the kitchen to start the washing up while she's serving/finishing up? If she says no (which I'm sure she will) you can explain you feel uncomfortable eating while she is tidying up and many hands make light work etc

MaryWestmacott · 08/03/2015 16:12

Have you tried having a quiet word with her and asking if she'd rather not meet up for meals because you've noticed she doesn't seem to like sitting down together to eat? If so, would she prefer (if you live close enough to do it) to just come round for an afternoon with coffee and cake. If she likes cakes and puddings.

If it was just meals you ate at her house that were an issue, then I'm agree it might just be she likes things to be tidy, but as she clearly doesn't like eating at your house or at restaurants, then it seems more likely it's group eating a meal that she has issues with and doesn't find it a pleasurable experience.

Put it another way, if you were, say a theatre buff and invited her to a few performances with you, when it became clear she kept finding excuses to nip out, didn't sit comfortably, clearly hated the experience, would you keep arranging group visits to the theatre or would you do something else with your MIL? Whatever her reasons, she clearly doesn't want to sit down as a group and have long leisurely meals, talking with family. It's normal to like that, but she doesn't. Stop trying to arrange those, and if you do want your DD to see meals as a social occasion, stop arrangng for her to eat at MIL's house.

TheRealMaryMillington · 08/03/2015 16:13

I'm a bit like this

I'm run ragged, and have very little time or energy at the moment.

I can usually get all the prep pots washed and surface cleaned before everyone else has got to the table and stopped faffing. Means someone only has to sling the plates in the dishwasher and it means I can relax and enjoy my meal and company knowing there isn't a ton of clearing up to do immediately after.

OP, could you not go and chat and help clear as she cooks?

BellMcEnd · 08/03/2015 16:13

Meow my lovely DM is a bit like this. She will eat out as she's sociable but she doesn't go for the food and isn't really interested in it at all. She would say, and has said, that she only really eats because it's essential to staying alive. Again, each to their own but I can't get my head around this! Mind you, she's a size 10 and I'm definitely not

Original poster

OneHappyBunny · 08/03/2015 16:14

She really loves having us over though- she's the one to invite us most of the time! It's the strangest dynamic ever.

She'd bat us away if we tried to help I'm afraid.

OP posts:

TheRealMaryMillington · 08/03/2015 16:15

I usually manage not to do that when I have guests by the way!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/03/2015 16:16

Household of boys by any chance? And she always waited on them hand and foot?

Household of men and boys here but there's no waiting on them hand and foot and no skivvying either.

BlackNoSugar · 08/03/2015 16:23

How long does it take her to do the clean-up before she sits down? Just wondering if the food she's served will really be cold, or still nice and hot. If it's literally five minutes,, and the food is still hot, can you wait until she's finished and then go in and sit and all eat together?

It sounds like she may possibly have a form of OCD where she can't sit down until the clean-up is done.

pud1 · 08/03/2015 16:29

my mum does this. in fact she hates her kitchen being used. she is obsessed with cleaning or i should say she was. she now has stage 4 lung caner and cant do it at all. my dad is running round like a blue arsed fly looking after her and keeping the house up to her standards.

she has always been obsessively clean. it used to make life difficult when i visited with dds. she has calmed down alot due to her illness.

she is 58 years old and will probably not see 60. it makes me sad to think that she has probably spent half her life either cleaning or complaining about mess.

missusdaly · 08/03/2015 16:36

Ooh I'm like this OP. I love to have dinner cleaned up before I sit down. It ruins the meal somewhat when the washing up is hanging over my head.

Fairylea · 08/03/2015 16:39

I'm like your mil. I always tidy up and put the dishwasher on before I sit down to eat (leaving just the plates being eaten from which I put it later). After I've finished dinner I like to be able to relax and not have to then get up and tidy up..... I'd just tuck in and let her get on with it.

Marshy · 08/03/2015 16:42

I was gonna say something about the 'people over 50 can't change' and similar ageist comments on this thread but cba

FenellaFellorick · 08/03/2015 16:44

My mum does this. It causes her such massive anxiety that she honestly could not physically swallow if she knew the pots were in the sink and the kitchen was a mess.

In order for her to be able to eat, she has to have got this out of the way.

She also cleans for several hours every day, including washing the floors 5 times a day, washing tops of doors and skirting boards daily and taking all her ornaments down and washing them in a bowl of hot soapy water.

She can't leave the house until her main cleaning is done. And even after that she goes back to redo things during the day.

We just never waited for her because that made her feel under more pressure. It's only food.

What if you all helped her so that it didn't take as long?

Having said that, if she's like my mum she'd make you go away because she'd say you weren't doing it right and she'd have to do it again.

DecaffTastesWeird · 08/03/2015 16:48

Meh no need to refuse to eat with her. She is being bad mannered so I think it's fine to tuck in. It is annoying though, as you don't want your DCs to think it's normal behaviour. My DGrandma never waits for anyone before tucking in at dinner. It is really rude and quite embarrassing if we are in public, but we just roll with it now. She's in her 90s and isn't going to change now!

Mouthfulofquiz · 08/03/2015 16:50

I'm like this too...I just can't really relax until stuff is tidied up a bit. I like to eat and then relax. Not eat, then clean up, load the dishwasher etc etc
I'm not a particularly tidy person but this is the one thing I like to get squared away.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 16:52

I wasn't suggesting for one minute that living in a household of boys creates that scenario StillStayingClassy. It's just a phenomena I've observed in several households with a set up like that and just the one where it was a mixed household.

I find it baffling that some women take on that sort of role but they do. It's a bit easier to understand if we're talking about a generation where men ruled the roost. Didn't happen when I had my household of boys!

SoupDragon · 08/03/2015 16:52

She is being bad mannered

No she isn't.

This sounds far mor like something she can't help and has to do.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 16:55

This sounds far mor like something she can't help and has to do.

I agree.

LineRunner · 08/03/2015 16:56

pud, that's sad about your mum. Very poignant what you say about her spending half her life cleaning.

darlingfascistbullyboy · 08/03/2015 16:59

my MIL is like this; maybe worse in fact.

She doesn't even serve herself but after cleaning hovers around the table waiting to whisk you plate away the moment it looks like you're about to finish eating. She'll eat leftovers in the kitchen after the meal.

I hate it - it is the antithesis of a pleasant, relaxing, social occasion - we invite them up here for Christmas etc ... we did Christmas there once and it was excruciating. In her case it's a combination of hating cooking, not really liking food (she always comments that what she's just cooked looks disgusting!), having a house full of boys that she has waited on hand & foot & a martyr complex (oh I can't possibly eat! There won't be enough for my boys!)

She's not quite as bad when she eats at our house - although she's clearly not relaxed! She doesn't mean to be rude but it isn't much fun.

OnlyLovers · 08/03/2015 17:03

Frankly very weird and martyrish. Is it accompanied by 'No, no, you all start, I'll just do this quickly and then have mine'?

I'd try to go round just for pudding/cake if she feels more relaxed then.

IAmAllImportant · 08/03/2015 17:06

My Granny was similar. She used to make us wash the pots before we could sit and eat.

Actually, it wasn't that arduous a task, as she would dish up the meat, hand me the meat pot, I would wash it, my DSis would dry it, then she would hand the next thing as she finished dishing up. We would all finish the pots only slightly after my Dear Gran had finished the dishing up and we sat in a nice clean and tidy kitchen to eat, knowing we only had the plates to wash afterwards. We all washed our own plates as we finished, so no one had too much to do.

Could you instigate a system like this?

TwoOddSocks · 08/03/2015 17:06

YABU, she just sounds a bit neurotic but she obviously doesn't expect you to wait so get on with your meal. It's annoying but it would be very harsh to refuse meals at her house just because of that. She'd probably be very upset.

livefastlove · 08/03/2015 17:07

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable but she clearly has a bit of a problem and as others have said can't enjoy her food till all is tidy. I would carry on eating but complement her on her cooking etc. Maybe you could bring an easy to serve dessert and insist on saving it until you can all sit down together and enjoy it.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 08/03/2015 17:09

My SIL is like this. It's very uptight and anti-social. I understand it's sensible to clear up as you go along TO A POINT but when the meal itself is cold or or dried out as a result and everyone is fed up, what's the benefit?

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