AIBU to not let my partner replace their iPad?

[letscookbreakfast]

My partner has accidentally dropped and smashed their iPad 4 after putting it somewhere they shouldn't have (edge of the sink). It's an iPad 4, it used to be mine but I gave it to them shortly after I bought it as I got bored with it. I've always said that if they break it then they can replace it, a few days prior to breaking it they were hinting at getting a new one but I'm happy to believe that it's a coincidence that it's now broken.

Anyway they now want to borrow over £500 from our joint account to pay for a new iPad and case, I'm reluctant to say yes as there's not much in our savings account and I'd rather continue to save up to get married, go on a honeymoon and to replace some furniture/decorate our bedroom etc. They say that they'll put a bit extra in the joint account every month to pay for it but as they work term time only they'd struggle to do so and we'd still be over £500 short.

So AIBU?

I bought it with my own money!

Op not to be nosey but what is your joint account for?

E.g. Ours is bills, mortgage, kids, food etc.
Our savings account is for emergencies and big annual spends like car insurance
Personal money is separate and personal

I bought it with my own money!

And the money in your joint account is not as much hers as yours? Her contributions are also now your money?

Love the fact you deliberately and poorly disguised your gender to avoid being called controlling...and yet all the first responses advised your behaviour was, in fact, controlling.

My advice is:

You don't sound very compatible on the face of this, have a serious think about whether you are sure you both want to marry. In fact you don't sound like you actually like her very much.

And stop using those fucking boring gender neutral pronouns, it's extremely tedious and taking us for fools, quite frankly.

Sigh.

The joint account is for rent, bills and food etc but we also use it for days out etc.

The savings account is for the wedding, honeymoon, furniture etc.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually we are very compatible, I'm at a loss as to how you can determine we aren't based on a few posts. We have been together for seven years and yes we both want to marry each other.

As for me not liking her very much, again I don't see how you've come to that conclusion based on a few posts.

You sound controlling how about you think about sorting that out before you get married ?

Also how are you going to sort out joint finances after the wedding when you have so little respect for her job and earning potential ?

I'm not controlling at all and the finances are fine, I don't see where I've said that I have little respect for her job etc so please don't put words in my mouth.

Well why do you think that a cross section of people think you sound controlling and as if you haven't much respect for your partner? Do you imagine there's any chance the language you've chosen could contribute to this perception?

You are grown ups so sit down and talk about it. can you compromise? Would a cheaper ipad be a possibility? What your dp wants to spend money on needs to not put you in debt but if you have the money perhaps they feel it is more important than the honeymoon. Talk - yanbu to want to make sure money isn't just spent without discussion but dp is nbu for wanting to replace. Any chance it's repairable?

My language is quite formal I admit, it carries over from my job unfortunately. I just feel a bit put out that some people are insinuating things that are not true. I'm willing to compromise with her but when she complains about the iPad 4 speed etc going to the first or even second iPad Mini is pointless, as the first is slower than the iPad 4 and the second one has the same internals as an iPad 4. Hence the iPad air 1 & 2 only being seen as good enough.

YANBU.

She should use her own money to replace it, not joint money. She broke it.

I just feel a bit put out that some people are insinuating things that are not true.

Well how would you interpret hearing an adult discuss what they are prepared to let another adult do? You may call that formal, but I think it sounds like you've assumed the role if senior partner with a feckless underling whose whims you can tolerate but you are prepared to draw the line as you see fit.

That's more than just formal.

OP It's standard in AIBU for people to jump to conclusions based on a few posts. So here's mine.

I see your comment about putting it somewhere she shouldn't as you pointing out it was damaged because she was foolish, not broken by someone else, or stolen or broken by you. All important points because if it wasn't her fault/an accident then I would feel like you should help her replace it.

Your comments about her job and rate of paying it back are you pointing out that she wouldn't be able to replace the money for some time and you main concern is having that back-up there and if she COULD replace the money in a week or two it would be different, but she's talking about a sustained loss of protection, for a toy.

I can't say that personally I would say no because I would trust that my husband had thought it through and it wasn't an impulse buy. As long as the bills are paid, we can make the rest work.

So to answer your question, no you're not BU to say no you're not willing to risk the savings like that, but I think perhaps as you know it will make her happy, you could try and find alternate solutions. If insurance, ebay or repair don't work, I would discuss meeting her payment for payment. So once she has 1/2 the amount, she can borrow the rest from savings. Or perhaps you could also save 1/2 or 1/3 or something to get it quicker but unless there's a reason to get it now, waiting is a reasonable request.

If it's a joint account and the iPad would be a considerable expense for you, then buying it or not should be a joint decision. But you shouldn't have more say in that decision simply because you earn more than she does. That defeats the purpose of pooling money IMO.

Thank you sykadelic you have summed up what I've been trying to say, I'll speak to her soon about a compromise.

Sorry yes, my comments about her pay are me saying that she can't replace the money for some time. She's recently had a party and catering fee for a family member sprung on her and she's expected to find £350, so far she's not even managed to save a third of it unfortunately but that's a whole different subject.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually we are very compatible, I'm at a loss as to how you can determine we aren't based on a few posts. We have been together for seven years and yes we both want to marry each other.

As for me not liking her very much, again I don't see how you've come to that conclusion based on a few posts."

Uh huh. Well if my DH broke his iPad I wouldn't feel any need to post on MN to canvas opinions hoping to justify my point of view of not letting him replace it. The way you speak about her speaks volumes.

As pp said, look at the reaction your posts are generating. Your language is very telling indeed. This is another post where I would dearly love to hear your DP's side of the story.

my first thought was controlling but read on and he wants spend £500 on an iphone wtf ??? sorry i must be living in a cave or something, WHY would anyone spend that amount on a fairly pointless 'toy' ????

sorry, the gender neutral thing confusedme !

Is she frivolous with money? Because I don't understand why you have enough to buy iPads and she doesn't. Unless she is frivolous or your finances are very unbalanced.

You say she chooses not to work in the holidays. Why? Purely for time off to sit around or is there a reason (kids, hobbies, travelling)? If you prioritise iPads over time off, then it makes sense for her to have time off and you to have iPads. However if you plan to have 'family' money she has as much right as you to iPads.

Is there any disagreement about the size and cost of the wedding?

Dixie was that a nice way of telling me to RTFT?

She chose to work term only because full time nursery work was knackering and after nearly a decade of doing it she was losing the will to live, there's no disagreement about anything wedding related.