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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/03/2015 11:24

I think that even with the maintenance payments the OP is probably far more financially secure since meeting her husband as her ex doesn't support his children.

The payment to her husband's ex to sustain an appropriate lifestyle for their son was presumably agreed before he started a new relationship.

ilovesooty · 08/03/2015 11:25

And there is no obligation to maintain his step children, but he does. There's no evidence that their children together are suffering either.

LineRunner · 08/03/2015 11:32

It is unfortunate that the OP's thread title invites criticism of another parent and a child. I do get entirely OliviaMN's point, that this site is here to make the lives of parents easier, but the tone of thread titles, particularly in AIBU, is important.

WipsGlitter · 08/03/2015 11:35

People are being really mean to the OP. Just tell the ex to jog on and don't give in to her demands. Say you'll go through the CSA and they can calculate the amount and then she'll stop her mithering.

SoupDragon · 08/03/2015 11:40

Just tell the ex to jog on

Or maybe the OP could stop bleating about the generosity of her DH when that generosity is funding her twins goven their father seems to have got off scott free.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 11:58

Yes, going through the CSA deliberately to reduce the payments you make to support your child is exactly the sort of thing a good Dad should do. Hmm

Perhaps the ex would like to tell OP to jog on. I'd do exactly that in her position. Maybe she should worry about how she plans to support her four children before worrying about how the ex supports her one.

AGirlCalledBoB · 08/03/2015 12:20

I find it really odd that you moan about your children suffering including your twins when you oh is under no obligation to support them at all and he earns a really good wage.

Yes he is paying more than the CSA but that is not the reason you are struggling. You are struggling because you are out of work for a leg injury and your ex has never paid csa. I think you need to direct your anger to your own ex tbh rather than your oh's. Your oh could be more firmer with her but that is not the only reason why your are financially struggling and so your frustrations should not be completely directed towards your ss.

clam · 08/03/2015 12:48

"She....then expects us to to take dss despite the fact we had to cancel arrangements from a foreign holiday to camping as we could not afford to take another child."

Why on earth would he only take 4 children when there are 5 in the family? Or, put it another way, why would he pay to take your older children (his stepchildren) yet not his own son?

Stripyhoglets · 08/03/2015 12:58

Just seen it's 70k net. He's still paying £600 over the CSA amounts so he needs to sort out the extras to benefit all his children.

caryam · 08/03/2015 13:11

Working when in chronic pain and taking painkillers every day is hard, I know I did it for years. Most people in this situation wouldn't work if that was possible. Most people do have to work.

Starlightbright1 · 08/03/2015 13:36

I think the main points you are missing which have been highlighted by other posters

You have 2 children with him but he is supporting 5 children on his own as you can't work currently.

If you were saying you couldn't afford to buy your kids coats but not a change of holiday location.

You haven't commented on how Ex feels about buying the extras.. Do bear in mind if unable to work and you weren't with him what a financial mess you would be in now.

Due to abuse and I am guessing no contact you don't want to open up the maintenance route as Ex may come back..

I think you need to look at what you can do to help this situation , maybe working from home ( no idea on your skills) , cutting back on some expenses .

The vast majority of people with 5 children would need to budget carefully.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 13:58

Okay apologies its not 1600 (thought this was the figure the OP said).

Its still 1500 to DSS vs 2000 to 6 people and bills. Even if DH was not supporting the OPs twins his two bio children with the OP would still get half of what DSS gets for himself, so I do think my point still stands.

I think I would try and make sure all my children got equal amounts if I could. Although i agree with everyone else regarding the foreign holiday. Ive never had one, my dd wont until she is old enough (i have extreme phobia of flying) and I dont care about it Smile

CalicoBlue · 08/03/2015 14:12

UANBU

Looking at the ages of your children, it is likely that the child maintenance agreement was made over 10 years ago, before you had your two kids together. Then it probably was not so much of an issue to pay for extra's over the maintenance amount and has now become a habit . Now you have two kids and your two are getting older, the extra's are making a difference.

I imagine that it is frustrating having to cancel a holiday at short notice and rearrange something not as nice. All the kids, as well as you and your DH must have been disappointed.

There is not much you can do about this apart from talk to your DH. Explain how much money goes to his DS and then add on the extras. Make him aware that it is the extra's that are making the difference to the family as a whole. See if he is prepared to make a stand and stick to his £1500 per month amount, which is plenty to keep a 15 year old. It is also only for another 3 or 4 years, and then he can agree any money he wants to give his DS directly with him.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 14:13

Even if they were given equal amounts of money, they aren't going to get equal amounts of time.

Ops third and fourth children get to live in a home with both of their parents, that's something that is priceless IMO. It evens out because the H is paying for everything at the home he lives in, and only half of it at the home his son lives in. If all the Hs children were given equal amounts of money, the ones he lives with would end up with significantly more, seeing as it costs the same to heat/light a home with four children in it as it does to provide the same to a home with only one child in it.

It is Ops choice not to go after maintenance from her ex, but if she's going to choose not to chase that, then it's reasonable for her to expect that she's going to have to budget. Having four children means any family will have to budget.

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 14:26

I imagine that it is frustrating having to cancel a holiday at short notice and rearrange something not as nice. All the kids, as well as you and your DH must have been disappointed

not half as disappointed as the poor DSS must have been not being included in the holiday in the first place.

Quitelikely · 08/03/2015 14:26

OP

I agree with you. I would be mightily fed up.

Are you aware that for each day he spends at your house his entitlement to maintenance is reduced.

I agree in London that the amount you have to live on isn't that great considering there are another four children to provide for.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 14:29

It's not always priceless depending on the relationship between the two parents but I don't think that's relevant here. I don't think I could feel comfortable giving one child such a different amount of money than the rest of them.

I agree it costs the same to heat/light a home with one child as it does to heat/light one with 4 children. However food bills and other outgoings such as school uniform/shoes/coats/pocket money/trips etc will be a lot more with 4 children. DSS still gets a large amount of money compared to the other children imo.

Though that's just my opinion though and I can see the other side.

Absolutely agree that the OP needs to chase maintenance for her twins and then all of her children will benefit more, and I do believe she is very lucky to have somebody who provides for her children like his own.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 14:31

and just to add I also agree anybody with 4 children will have to budget. But between them they have 5 children, and one child receives just under half of the monthly budget, leaving the rest shared between 4 children and 2 adults.

Arsenic · 08/03/2015 14:35

This went well Hmm

Worst case scenario is three more years of CM at this level OP

CalicoBlue · 08/03/2015 14:43

fedupbutfine unless I read all of the OP's postings wrong, and as they came in sections I might have.

I thought that DSS was going to Barbados with his mother and then she changed the plans so that he had to join OP and the rest of the family on holiday.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 15:04

I didn't read it like that Calico, but I might have read it wrong too!

I read it as the OP thinks they shouldn't have to take dss on holiday at all because he goes to Barbados with his mum.

They should never have planned a holiday that excluded one of the children in the first place.

KatieKaye · 08/03/2015 15:08

That's how I read it too, Ptolomy.
And agree that it is very unfair to plan a holiday that excludes her DHs own son but does include OPs two older children.
All the money in the world can't make up for not being made to feel a part of his fathers family.

DixieNormas · 08/03/2015 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 08/03/2015 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 15:28

I expect the mother talks to her child's other parent about things he needs because she can see that he is giving so much in time and money to children he has no responsibility for, and she doesn't like it.

Maybe she wouldn't feel the need to be like that if her son wasn't excluded from his fathers family holidays.