Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

[WomenVsBarbie]

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP, the reason your own children are missing out at the moment is because you are not working. It is your (and their father's, I assume you tried the CSA?) responsibility to feed, clothe and house your twins.

So that is why it is completely right that if your circumstances change and you are not working, you have less money and YOUR children won't be able to go on foreign holidays.

Your DH has a commitment to his son. He cannot amend that so he can pay out more for unrelated children.

I also assume you knew about this maintenance commitment when you meet and decided to have two more children? Knowing it would make things right for your own children?

This is not the EXW's fault, it's yours and your husband's.

Well, maybe posters are influenced by the fact that OP is moaning about her DC "missing out" on a foreign holiday because DSS goes along too. And thinking it is okay to exclude him because his mother takes him on holiday.

This is a 15 year old whose father seems perfectly happy to pay the agreed maintenance. How that amount was agreed upon is not revealed, it could have been as part of their divorce settlement and is not up for negotiation.

for some reason she thinks it is more fair to have her DH pay for her two children to go on holiday and leave his own son behind. Which suggests that she regards the family consists of her two DC and the two DC they have together. To the extent that she seems to want to exclude him from going on holiday with his own father, but thinks it is fine for her two children (his stepchildren) to be taken and paid for by their stepfather. That is possibly why posters have not agreed with her.

Luckily DSS seems to have a supportive extended family on his mothers side. I hope he doesn't realise his stepmother thinks that his father should prioritise taking her children on a foreign holiday without him rather than taking all five children camping.

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP.

Imagine if it was an AIBU from the ex-wife - "I have millions, live with my parents, but my ex can't afford any more than £1500 a month for cm - boo hoo!" she'd be told to get a grip.

OP you are not in the right here, but you don't deserve the flaming you've gotten either.

It's not possible to know from the OPs posts how her DH views his Stepsons. My BIL did not legally adopt his stepsons but definitely views them as 100% part of the family and as his children. He loves them completely and is their father in every respect. The biological father abandoned them at birth and it would have been pointless to try and get CM (he's a bum)

Some posters are assuming the DH is doing the OP some sort of favour by helping support 'her' kids but that might not be the situation at all. You can't tell from the OPs posts.

I think you've been given a hard time too.

1500 to DSS compared to 1600 for 6 people plus bills seems really unbalanced.

Even if you take your twins out if the equation your DSS gets double what your DHs other biological children get from him, and that's without paying any food/bills.

Someone I know once referred to mumsnet as a nest of vipers. This thread demonstrates that perfectly.

It's not £1600, it's over £2000 a month on the OP's own figures that they have left after mortgage and child support.

No idea how the OP misplaced a whole £400 a month. That's a lot of money.

I think on the whole YANBU, except maybe with the holiday.

This thread raises the good old question of whether a separated parent to an existing child is morally wrong to go on to have more kids if it means either reducing maintenance/money available for said existing childchild or new children living on less in order to keep existing child's lifestyle the same. Or, for that matter, if parent is morally wrong to lower maintenance if circumstances change like being out of work for a period.

Have seen people argue very strenuously for and against on various parts of mumsnet.

I think there are no obvious right and wrong answers, every case is different.

While I agree that the OP is getting a hard time (although she's probably not reading anymore) I'm genuinely surprised that anyone would think she's NBU.

She's blaming the ex for expecting the agreement she made with her co parent to be stuck to, and I don't think that's fair. Two parents make a commitment to a child when they have one, it is not up to anyone else to try and change that.

In this case, the man in the middle has a good salary and could afford to have two more children and take on two that weren't his own so that's what he's done, but that doesn't mean he has less obligation to his first child. His second family isn't suffering or missing out on anything other than a foreign holiday. But the OPs oldest children aren't owed a foreign holiday paid for by anyone other than their own parents, and the youngest two children can only have what their two parents can afford. If those two parents already have three children to provide for between them, then it is only natural that they'd get less than they would have done if they were this couples first dc.

I think it's fine for children from a previous relationship to get less if one of their parents loses their job, because children are dependent on their parents income. But the SS's parents income hasn't changed, so there's no reason why he should get less. His father should pay for anything he has chosen to do out of the money he had left over after providing for his first child, including having new children.

Quite simply, it has nothing to do with the OP how her his and and his ex choose to provide for their child. OP knew the situation she was getting into when she chose to have a relationship with someone who was already committed to providing for a first child, so she has to live with that and not try to change it.

She might have had a point if her own youngest children weren't getting things that they need, like food and clothes and a decent roof over their heads, but that's not the case here.

Good morning Mumsnetters
May we remind you that whether anyone is BU or not, Mumsnet is here to make parents- lives easier.
Bit of peace and love doesn't go amiss, eh?
Thanks v much

You're deliberately missing/avoiding the point that everyone is making about the fact that he is supporting your two children. That money could be going towards the children he has with you and the child he has with his ex.

And by the way, foreign holidays are a luxury, not a necessity. Consider yourself lucky you get one at all. One of my DC hasn't had one for 7 years and nor have the children.

(Anyone else get really fed up with one sentence repetitive replies from the OP on this kind of thread?)

Actually I think the extras probably aren't demanded by the ex wife, I suspect that DH buys them out of guilt and blames his ex if the OP asks where the money has gone. But analysing other people's finances is impossible when you don't have all the facts.

How much time does DH spend with his DS1?

The part that is unreasonable, is that you planned a nice holiday abroad deliberately excluding DSS, because in your mind he didn't deserve it as he'd already been abroad with his mother. That is outrageous and I'm not surprised that exW kicked up a stink. DSS should be treated as much part of the family as the other DC, and certainly should have the opportunity of a holiday with his father & half-siblings.

money frustrations aside, I think you need to do some serious soul-searching as to why you think it acceptable your stepson - your husband's child - should be excluded from a family holiday.

I accept that I shouldn't have said what I said about the OP and working and I've quite rightly been deleted for it.

I still agree with PtolemysNeedle 's post above.

You're deliberately missing/avoiding the point that everyone is making about the fact that he is supporting your two children.

Exactly. If the OP is feeling hard done by about money going outside of the household to support the stepson, surely this is more than made up for by the benefit to her of what it costs him to keep her eldest two sons all these years.

She's looking at it all wrong. She's lumping her two children in with the children they have together as the 'family' who are losing out as a result of his perceived over-generosity towards his first child. But if she wants him to start being less generous and only paying what he is legally obliged to pay for, well then…..be careful what you wish for, is all I can say to that.

If I were your husband I would be writing a letter to ex stating that if she want him to pay for school uniforms ect (list everything extra that your paying) then he will be dropping his maintenance to the recommended csa amount. Give her the choice of the larger child maintenance payment or a lower payment with your husband paying for extra inceidentals.

As for holidays, you can't really exclude his children as that's a bit mean even if they are going on posh holidays with their mum

70K net is nearly 6000 a month. So he's giving nearly 25% of his income to his ex for maintenance. That's generous - good on him, BUT he needs to say clearly to his ex that that amount is to cover such essentials as coats. If she gets difficult about it, go through the CSA, reduce the payment to its official amount and then maybe think about buying coats/shoes on top.

Stop with the expensive monthly extra gifts. No child "needs" those.

If you are expecting him to support your dcs from a previous relationship (and again, good on him), then YABU to resent him supporting his own son as well.

He doesn't 'need' to say anything to his ex. He might be perfectly happy to pay for coats and play station games for his son, and that's his choice.

I'm sure this man who is almost single handedly supporting five children, only three of which are his, would be capable of talking to his ex to change their arrangement if he wanted to. If he doesn't do it off his own back, then it means he doesn't want to. And that's entirely his choice.

I'd think it would be awful of him to reduce his first child's standard of living because his new wife wants more of his money for her own children that she contributes nothing to financially. Step parents do have a responsibility towards their step children, and it is right that the H is contributing towards Ops older children, but he is already doing far more for OP than should be expected.

Great posts Ptolemy.

Agreed.

Don't marry someone with kids, if you do, suck it up.

Personally, I think £1,500 child maintenance willingly paid per month is, at more than double the CSA calculated amount, generous on your husband's part. It raises questions in my mind as to whether there any reasons for this ? Did he have an affair and leave his ex wife which makes him feel guilty and want to indirectly try to compensate his ds financially ?

Secondly, it is 25% of his net income, but his ex IS also responsible for supporting their son so the £1,500 shouldn't be considered in isolation, but then it is natural that we look into your current family finances........

IMHO, morally, you are responsible for the support of your older twins and that includes being responsible for chasing their father for financial contribution using the CSA, however unpleasant that might be. Have you done this and exhausted every avenue in that respect ?

If you weren't blessed with having found love with a new partner, then, at this point in time you'd be seriously struggling financially as a single parent of 2 teens as a result of your knee injury. Such incapacities, even if short term, can wreak havoc on a family unit's financial security and sometimes end in a very stressful downward spiral financially with loss of home, A move into less than pleasant accommodation, possibly a series of temporary accommodation in a cheaper area, possible forced change in schools for the dc etc. etc. etc.

Happily you are in a family unit with your dh and naturally your dh and you are jointly responsible for supporting the 2 children that you had together between you, I'm assuming, you made the decision that you could afford to support 2 children in addition to any existing financial commitments and factored in a small "what if" safety margin.

I guess what I'm saying is (and please remember that I do feel £1,500 is generous as IMHO dss's mother is responsible for the other 50% of her son's upkeep) count your blessings..... Furthermore, teach your children to count their blessings as it does lead to a happier life if as a child you haven't absorbed an atmosphere of we are all hard done by because of X. Y or Z.

Thank you