Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
fakenamefornow · 08/03/2015 15:28

Apologies if this has already been said but £18,000 to support each of his children is £54,000 a year. I think it does seem the first child is getting more than the rest because I doubt the others do benefit by this much. Yanbu.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/03/2015 15:34

YANBU about the school uniform and clothing. That's what the maintenance payment is for, especially if he's paying £1500 a month. However, DSS is your DH's son and it's up to him what he spends on him, you need to discuss this with your DH.

Regarding the games/treats, then this is usual and over and above the maintenance, obviously can't be every week but all parents like to treat their children.

However you should be pursuing your ex for the twins. At the moment your DH is fully supporting them when your ex should be obliged to be contributing at the very least. Even a small amount could be saved towards holidays or to buy extras for them.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 17:22

Ptolemy its not fair to say the ex doesnt like the fact he spends time on children he has no responsibility for, they've a right to live with their mum the OP cant just kick them out so her DH doesn't spend time with them because his ex doesn't like it.

He gives a very generous amount to her ds, more than

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 17:24

More than he needs to.

As for the holiday thing I am confused I read it as they hadnt invited dss as he was off with his mum. If' I'm wrong and he was excluded then what a horrible thing to do!

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2015 17:29

More than he needs to

Really?

Surely you could say the money he spends on his stepchildren is more than he needs to.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 17:35

I just meant that he pays more than bare minimum he would be legally made to if they went through CSA, not that he pays too much.

If he has always supported them then yes I'd agree but OP said she had been working until injury to support her children.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 17:42

The CSA is irrelevant, they are a pathetic organisation and their figures have never done anything to reflect the real cost of having children.

I despair when I see people holding up the CSA guideline as some kind of holy grail of maintenance payments.

The DH should not have to reduce the amount he has given to his own son for the last however many years because the OP and her ex don't financially provide for their own children. That would just be all kinds of wrong.

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 17:44

Regardless of the amount of money involved, the OP is separating dss from the rest of the family (ie dss vs op's children; we can't go on hols if dss comes with us) rather than seeing him as part of the family. I was the dsd in a very similar situation, and my relationship with my father, stepmum and siblings was permanently damaged as a result.

needaholidaynow · 08/03/2015 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 17:49

Okay my injury is very serious I had to wait many months for surgery (6 months) I was on crutches for another 2 months and I'm know going through physio. It is not my fault i was injured. I work as a part time nurse so I have a very active job.

Now I'm going to tell you about my scumbag of an ex. He hit me while pregnant and is a now a repeat offender and drug addict so we would not get a penny from him would we. I was a single mum before dh and I have savings I have been using to pay for the twins. I'm not a scrounger of lazy I have worked twenty years. I'm so offended by people on here that I don't really want to come back. I can only really describe some posters as one thing bullies. We struggle and the foreign holiday thing was when we worked. We asked dh ex if she would contribute half of the cost of dss to go and she refused so I have a right to moan.

The school coat imo should come out of the £1500 a month dss spends weekends here. We will buy presents for birthday xmas and smaller things throughout the year. But ex demands dh treat dss every month to something big.

Now can we be not as quick to judge on here as it is not helpful and actually hurts people feelings.

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 08/03/2015 17:52

I agree Jessica. the OP made a very Freudian slip upthread where she said 'we also have four children.'

They do NOT have four children.

She has four.

He has three.

But together, as in 'we,' they have five.

But she doesn't see it like that, clearly. Which is quite telling.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/03/2015 17:53

Ex expects OP and her DH to take DSS on holiday.
Does ex offer to take the 2 younger children ( her sons step-siblings) on holiday with DSS?

Probably not.

And those saying the DH should pay £xx and coats/ shoes then tell the OP to work to buy her DC things.

DSS has two parents. His mother can buy him clothes. She has income.(Relevence of her millionaire status aside, she has income to spend on her child, just as the OP is expected to work for her DC)

TheFallenMadonna · 08/03/2015 17:58

Neither the ex nor her partner (if she has one, doesn't sound like it) are parents of the two younger children. OP's DH is father of the OP's DSS. So your comparison is not a valid one.

However, the "she has four children, he has three, THEY have five" comment is spot on.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/03/2015 17:59

I would find the amount the family you have at home cost per year, add in the luxuries that the sc have and whatever is left is split between all the children.

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:00

I meant by the we have 4 is we have 4 to fully financially support it was said in a financial context.

OP posts:
Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:00

Has anyone even bothered to read my post.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 18:02

I don't think anyone has called you lazy or a scrounger, but if they have then it will be one post in amongst ten pages, so not worth getting upset about.

I don't really think it makes much difference that you ex was a twat or that you are out if work through no fault of your own. Those are the circumstances you are in unfortunately, and they are the reasons why you are struggling financially. Not your DHs ex.

It may be your opinion that the school coat should come out of the maintenance money, but that's not your call to make so you just have to suck it up.

You might have a point about the gift each month, as I said earlier in the thread, but that is between your husband and his ex. Your husband won't buy the gift if he doesn't want to. People can't just demand things from other people's bank accounts. Clearly your husband does want to buy these things, so why aren't you annoyed at him instead of the ex?

And no, the ex refusing to pay half the cost of her son going on holiday with his dad doesn't give you the right to moan about that. If your husband was paying for his other two children and contributing to yours and getting to enjoy the holiday with his son, then it should be him that pays. I wouldn't dream of taking money off my ex so that I could take our children on holiday with my new husband.

SoupDragon · 08/03/2015 18:03

Now can we be not as quick to judge on here as it is not helpful and actually hurts people feelings.

People "judged" on the information you gave. What did you expect them to do?

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:07

I pay for my two older dc which I did and saved for. We both paid for younger dc what's wrong with ex paying half for dss. That in my opinion is fair. I did not plan the holiday without dss we said to ex would she pay the £350 (half the cost of dss) to go she refused. I'm sorry but when you have a larger family and save for 3 years for your older dc and younger dc to go that is very annoying.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/03/2015 18:08

what's wrong with ex paying half for dss.

I pay for my children to come on holiday with me.
Their father pays for them to go on holiday with him.
That is fair.

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:09

We did pay half ex didn't

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 18:10

Does your husband pay half of what it costs for his son to go to Barbados with his mum then?

CantBeBotheredThinking · 08/03/2015 18:10

Can I ask did your dh pay half of the cost for your dss to go to Barbados with his mum separate from the maintenance payments if not then why do you think it is fair that his mum pays half for him to go away with his dad.

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 18:10

you have a massive chip on your shoulder about your husband's ex and it is totally unjustified.

And under no circumstances whatsoever would I pay for my children to go on holiday with my ex. What planet are you on?!

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:11

Soup dragon we could not afford for all we really wanted everyone to go we even offered to pay £350 back in a couple of months but she also refused which in my opinion is a nasty and selfish thing to do.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread