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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
spanieleyes · 08/03/2015 20:56

And I can't see how excluding the ds from a family holiday is fair on him ( whether he has already been on holiday or not!)

CantBeBotheredThinking · 08/03/2015 20:56

Sharing a room is fine but he should be able to feel like he can store things there, it should feel like it is his room too.

Tutt · 08/03/2015 20:57

LikeMother I do my DSS lives with me full time, if he needs something he gets it the same as my own DS.
My DSS see's his mother but she pays nothing, my DS has no contact and is not nor ever been supported by his father.
My DH will be out of the country for 4 months soon and I will support both kids!
Rubbish to having to be included in everything, this is why we have entitled adults who do feck all and expect everything.
I'm out of this because I do think some people really are trying their hardess to miss the damn point :)

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 20:57

Now that is something we can agree on ptolemy, dss should have without a doubt included in the holiday, paid for by DH.

Leaving one child out without a valid reason is so wrong.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 20:57

OP; were you initially not going to invite DSS in holiday? This is a piece of the jigsaw I don't understand.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 20:58

Of your main issue is the extras OP, why won't you answer what your DHs opinion is on those?

You said he is worried his ex will be difficult about access, but there has to be more to it than that. Is this something you actually talk about? Is there a chance that your DH wants to continue to provide things to that level for his son and doesn't want you to complain about that?

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 20:58

If he was only.looking after his own children and not the twins then they would still have less than dss does, likemother.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 21:00

caused a fuss last week about dss not being able to store his stuff in our house due to a shared bedroom

Why can't he store stuff in his bedroom at his Dads?

The more you say (which really isn't very much) it sounds like the ex is just determined that her son won't be excluded from his dads new family.

youarekiddingme · 08/03/2015 21:02

I think (regardless,of the amount of CM paid) that the father should contribute to some things such as school uniform, shoes etc. But that the mother is also responsible and should pay half. Th same with big school trips etc such as exchanges.
CM should cover things such as housing, electricity, food etc.

The amount of CM seems correct. The DH has 3 children and the amounts paid is not over 1/3 of his salary. There is an equal split between his 3 children and his wife.

OP it's not on to expect your DH to contribute to your children and his children's housing, bills, food etc and their uniforms and then take his youngest 2 and your 2 abroad without his eldest.

If you think the split is unfair then talk to DH about it. Maybe he could put a set amount into an account each month for DSS that he can access for help towards extras that he needs. Also he cannot be 'made' to buy gifts. Your DH is obviously choosing too.

When you have a chat with him make sure you don't tell him you think DSS shouldn't come away with you etc. Word it with you have realised with your not being able to work how tight your finances can get and want to discuss ways to make the money go further.

Likemotherlikefather · 08/03/2015 21:03

Her kids dad is an addict with MH issues. She's explained that is why it would be hard to get CM out of him. Then it's not her DH's problem.

iced then the calculations should be based on all his 3 equally.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 21:06

Why isn't it his problem? He loves her and has taken on her children. ALL the children have a right to be cared for.

ThreeMoreDaysTillFriday · 08/03/2015 21:07

OP I do actually think you have had a bit of a hard time here. I suspect it is because you mentioned your husbands salary.

Anyway - I think you have 2 options. Either reduce the CM to the basic guideline amount and continue to buy the extras (presuming that would come to the same amount you have said you are currently and are happy paying) or, pay what you are paying but your husband needs to stop caving to the demands of extra money from his ex.

IMHO - Things like holidays should be paid by the parents going. No contribution from the other parent. I also really don't think it's wise to ask for a short term loan or relief of the child maintenance. It is your husbands responsibility to sort this out not yours.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 21:08

He loves her and has taken on her children.

By that logic, the OP should be including her dss in her holiday plans by making sure she and her DH can afford to pay for his holiday before considering booking it, and she should be happy for some of his stuff to be stored in the room he shares with her son.

But she isn't.

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 21:08

Ptolemysneedle that's not the case he can store stuff she creates drama and lies

OP posts:
icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 21:09

I agree all 3 of his children should get an equal amount. The DSS gets 1500pcm plus extras, whereas (discountimg twins) there is only 2000pcm left for two children DH, gas/electricity/food/school stuff/insurances etc. The balance seems off imo.

It sounds like you want the stepchildren to miss out/go without because they are not DH bio children, this is a really unhealthy attitude to have imo. If my child was a stepchild I'd be greatful to know they were treated equally.

Likemotherlikefather · 08/03/2015 21:09

Why isn't it his problem? He loves her and has taken on her children. ALL the children have a right to be cared for.

Not if his 3 will be disadvantaged.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 21:10

Bringing lies into it now as well?

Ok OP. Your being pissed off makes perfect sense. Hmm

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 21:11

I am we had included but had to change arangements due to funding

OP posts:
icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 21:12

Like mother if the DH didn't pay a single penny towards the twins his two other children would still get less per child than dss does, so its not supportimg the step children that is the issue. What is your issue with providing for step children?

Likemotherlikefather · 08/03/2015 21:13

By all her accounts, her DH is better step father than most(including the op)step parents on here.

She complains about extras and worse planned a holiday without his DS. Why should he provide for your twins.

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 21:14

Dh does pay for the twins partially even as a nurse I had to rely on dh because in London I could not afford a house somewhere in this area without him or keep 4 kids so I'm gratefall

OP posts:
Likemotherlikefather · 08/03/2015 21:15

I have no problems supporting sc, as long as you provide for your first.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 21:15

What do you mean by disadvantaged? Emotionally or financially? It's already been worked out that DSS gets 'the most' financially, but the others including his own children, all get less between them.
We don't know anything about how they are nourished emotionally; it's still not quite clear if DSS was definitely not invited initially on that holiday, or if OP is just being unclear.
None of the children are things. You seem to think the OP's first children should miss out now. How is that fair? They are all children, not columns on a Spreadsheet.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 21:16

The Op said she provided for her twins until she had an injury. So the twins should freeze and starve and go without whilst their siblings get things because the Op cant work?

Agree about the holiday, dss should have been included .

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 21:16

iced, the CM payments have to include housing costs for dss too. So really, you need to look at the proportion of income after tax, but before all other costs, including mortgage. When you do that it seems like a much more even split.

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