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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 08/03/2015 19:36

Honestly ive read threads on here where if there's a sniff of a new partner treating step kids badly it's all LTB but now this guy has stepped up the op is getting called a sponger.

icedgem30 · 08/03/2015 19:39

OP I've defended you a few times in the thread and I still believe yanbu regarding the school coat and the demands of expensive gifts every month etc but I don't understand about the holiday.

If you paid for twins, and half of your DC with DH, then why didn't DH pay for DSS and why was the cost of DSS coming not included when working out how much needed for the holiday?

That seems really mean, and although it doesn't change my opinion on the other issues I can see why it would get ex's back up if it did.

And throughout the thread people have been slating the OP saying she should pay for her twins, people saying that her DH is paying too much for stepchildren, he shouldn't have to etc, and now OP says she did pay for her twins and half of the youngest DC, someone is saying he isn't generous/wonderful father. OP can't win.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 19:45

Mushy; OP didn't complain about her ex, she just stated he had addiction and MH and didn't pay. She hasn't been complaining. I also agree with ice wedge that the only thing I think is really out of order is not factoring in DSS to the holiday, which seems bad, but as the OP hasn't articulated things very clearly, maybe was just explained wrong.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 19:45

I meant she hasn't been complaining about her ex.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 19:46

OP, if you could have paid the money back the next month, was it because of timings around your operation that caused the problem when she wouldn't lend the money?

If she's used to getting a certain amount each month, she probably has commitments for that money. Unless she is very cash rich as well as asset rich, then she's probably like most people who would find it it a problem to suddenly be £350 down one month.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 19:47

Calico, then the fundamental difference between your situation and this is that your DH still took a holiday alone with his son. It really doesn't look like there's much chance of that happening here, and that makes all the difference.

LineRunner · 08/03/2015 19:50

OP, have you been able to get your entitlement to sick pay as a nurse, and can you return to your job once your injury is better? Hopefully that will cushion the financial blow.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 19:51

I'm starting to wonder about what a wonderful father this man is. He originally came across as very generous however it now appears.....

If he's paying the mortgage and all the household bills and generous maintenance with top ups, then he's really not doing too badly.

Tutt · 08/03/2015 20:01

Nest of vipers full force wow! What utter nastiness!
OP fairness is fairness and if one child gets a holiday and 4 don't I really despair of the people on here who in their wildest dreams figure that is fair?
I have been away with only my DH and DS without dss and also with DSS without DS, both our children are ok with that because they have grown up with fairness and now my DS is older he doesn't come at all so we take DSS and his friend.
Why is it fair for 1 child to have 2 holidays and 4 others to have 1? Isn't that favortism and what message does that send to all 5 children? It says to 4 of them they are lesser and not as worthy simple as that!

Some 'mothers' on here are being vile which will be issues within themself that they are trying to reflect on you.

MythicalKings · 08/03/2015 20:10

A lot of bitter and vindictive first wives, I think, Tutt. Some seem to think that second families should live on bread and gruel to keep the first DCs in luxury. Ridiculous.

OP, have a long chat with your DP and about the extras he pays. Maybe he should cut right back on the maintenance and the extras then DSS can come on holiday with you.

spanieleyes · 08/03/2015 20:10

It's fair that 1 child has 2 holidays because he has two sets of parents, he also has ( presumably) 2 houses and 2 cars and 2 bedrooms and 2 of lots of other things!

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 20:14

Why is it fair for 1 child to have 2 holidays and 4 others to have 1? Isn't that favortism and what message does that send to all 5 children? It says to 4 of them they are lesser and not as worthy simple as that!

ffs. One of those children has different parents to the other 4. Why should he be treated differently by one of his parents because of that?

Tutt · 08/03/2015 20:16

So that is your arguement is it? Because he has 2 sets of parents... really so the other children suffer.
So if that is the answer then why are the other children being treated unfairly? Thats right is it? Explains why there are loads of screwed up kids who feel worthless BUT hey thats ok isn't it ...
Mythical I think you are right, thank goodness I'm not like this with my or my DH's ex's or our children!

MissusThePoint · 08/03/2015 20:18

I haven't read past the OPs first, full, message. But my (slightly heartless, I admit) answer is the same for all these dh pays too much to ex, now my kids are suffering threads - don't marry a man who already has kids!! Simple.

spanieleyes · 08/03/2015 20:19

Do you expect the ex to take all 5 children to Barbados then!

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 20:19

It's not about what each child "gets", it's about making sure that you, as a parent, treat all of your children equally.

If one of your kids was invited on holiday with a friend, would you then turn around to that child and say "you can't come on our family holiday because it wouldn't be fair if you got two holidays and your sister only got one"?

Eustasiavye · 08/03/2015 20:20

I think the op and her dh are being fair.

My ex packed his job in so as not to pay maintenance. His new partner is a professional but I cannot claim a penny.

He takes her dcs on holiday, mine get nothing.

Tutt · 08/03/2015 20:22

No BUT I would make damn sure my other children didn't miss out/ have exactley the same (money wise) for treats etc.
Don't be picky it's childish.
Regardless of birth or step children the key to parenting is to be fair, some of you don't appear to be able to grasp that!

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 20:22

So that is your arguement is it? Because he has 2 sets of parents... really so the other children suffer

The children have two different sets of parents with two different sets of circumstances. I don't think that my nephews are growing up feeling worthless because they don't have exactly the same as my children or my children feel worthless because the children at the end of the road have amazing holidays and a bigger car than us. Life's like that. The children in this scenario don't have the same parents so inevitably, one of them will get more holidays if both his parents are able to afford it.

LineRunner · 08/03/2015 20:25

Ah, Bitter Bingo arrives.

Tutt · 08/03/2015 20:27

So if your family isn't split you take 1 child on 2 holidays and the others on 1?

Because 'whole' families don't work like that do they? No, your tool is fairness always so the same respect should be universal no matter how your family works.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 08/03/2015 20:32

It is a split family though Tutt and if dad is taking a family holiday then he should include all his dc not exclude one without good reason and him also going on a holiday with his mum is not a good reason to exclude him.

spanieleyes · 08/03/2015 20:33

That;s the point though isn't it. The OP wasn't going to take her ds on holiday at all. Hardly fair!!

Likemotherlikefather · 08/03/2015 20:40

OP, have a long chat with your DP and about the extras he pays. Maybe he should cut right back on the maintenance and the extras then DSS can come on holiday with you.

No, the OP's DH can't cut back on his son to support her twins. She should chase her ex. She seems to dodge answering why her DH should cut back on his own flesh and blood and support her two, when their father disappeared.

So can the OP mind her own business with her ex and let her DH provide for his.

Tutt · 08/03/2015 20:41

And this is where it all falls apart CantBe because we should parent as a whole and not as a split. He not being excluded he is having fun on holiday with his Mum and children understand. My parents where split, I went away with my Mum every year, my Dad took the others on holiday without me, I had no issue as I had huge fun and loved my sibling enough to not want him to miss out. Perhaps because my parents handled it well and didn't treat me as if I was entitled to everything.
My DS and DSS are from different parents but collectively "we" are family, if one can't come the other doesn't miss out the same as in a 'whole' family.

Spaniel hate to see your version of 'fair' because it seems very lopsided!

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