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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 19:05

when you're a teenager in this situation you know full well when you're not wanted, regardless of what anyone actually says in front of you. Poor kid

this is what worries me. It's hard enough being a child with separated parents who are largely able to put aside their differences and do the 'right thing'. But in situations like this, where your dad has 'taken on' someone else's children as his own and then is, on the face of it, happy to not include you as part of his family activities (and then have to hear your step mother moan that they couldn't have the wonderful holiday they wanted a) because you exist and b) because your bitch of a mother wouldn't pay for you)...beggars belief. No amount of money, child maintenance, playstation games, or new coats can make up for that kind of shit.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 19:05

Maybe, but at least I'm not delusional.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 19:06

As your DSS has holiday with his mother, I would just have gone ahead without him on your family holiday. It is his mothers fault, not yours.

Shock

Do you have any children Calico?

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 19:06

Actually, op, I think I've been a bit harsh on you. It is your dp who is in the wrong here. He should have wanted to take all his children on holiday, and he should have ensured enough money was saved. If he is unhappy with paying for stuff on top of CM, then he needs to talk to his ex about it.

AyeAmarok · 08/03/2015 19:07

As your DSS has holiday with his mother, I would just have gone ahead without him on your family holiday. It is his mothers fault, not yours

Er, WTF? I think you've misunderstood the situation. Why would the boy's father take two or of his 3 children on holiday, and two of someone else's?

or you're a sock puppet

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 19:07

I'/d say it's your DH's son by his ex who is massively losing out here. Your DH earns £70K a year and pays £1.5K a year maintenance. He should be paying a lot more than that IMHO. It's not the child's fault his father decided to take on two children and have another two. You shouldn't have married somebody with financial responsiblities if you wanted all his money for yourself.

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 19:07

No I saved a paid for my twins thank you very much for your pointless post spaniel eyes shows and idepth understanding of what the time was like in my life during that holiday. i saved up for my twins to go and for half of what the cost of the 8 and 7 year old cost. We asked if ex would take a reduction that month of £350 so that we could make up the slight shortfall that we needed to book the holiday. We said can we repay next month

OP posts:
Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 19:08

Vievienmary that was a typo its £1500 a month.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 19:09

Then if you were paying the full cost of the holiday for your children from another relationship, why shouldn't your husband do the same?

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 19:11

Because we actually were saying can we pay you £350 less and make it up next month. It's not like she would be losing out because the holiday was two weeks so half the month would be dss with us.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/03/2015 19:12

Why didn't you go somewhere you could afford??

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 19:13

Then if you were paying the full cost of the holiday for your children from another relationship, why shouldn't your husband do the same?

because the ex is rich....

really, OP, what you're angling for is to be told that it's unreasonable a 'multi-millionaire' ex expects any maintenance whatsoever, isn't it?

spanieleyes · 08/03/2015 19:13

You have 5 children, you pay for 5 children to go on holiday. Simple. I certainly don't expect my ex to pay for holidays I take with our children and he doesn't expect me to pay for the ones he takes with them. The fact that he can afford trips to New York and Florida and I can afford a caravan in Cornwall is just tough!

KatieKaye · 08/03/2015 19:13

Why plan a holiday you cannot afford?

You have five children and could only afford to pay for four. Why was DSS the child singled out? Why didn't you ask someone else to pay for one of your older children?

Your DH does not pay for half of the holidays his ex takes their son on, yet you expect her to pay for half the holiday you want to go on. Not exactly fair.

The reason you couldn't take all the children in the family on holiday had nothing to do with the Ex. It was because you hadn't saved up enough money. A problem many of us can empathise with, but would never consider "blaming" on anyone else. You do sound jealous of the ex. And maybe bitter that DSS gets to go to places like Barbados. That isn't his fault.

But your posts do suggest that he is a lesser member of the family in your eyes.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 19:14

Ah, so what actually happened was you confused her with a pay day loan company.

How terribly unfortunate.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 08/03/2015 19:16

i saved up for my twins to go and for half of what the cost of the 8 and 7 year old cost

I'm starting to wonder about what a wonderful father this man is. He originally came across as very generous however it now appears that he only pays what he does under sufferance and doesn't actually support the ops dc from her first relationship and makes her pay half for the joint dc.

AyeAmarok · 08/03/2015 19:16

Why didn't you just shorten your holiday by a day, or scale it back a bit to a slightly less nice hotel/apartment/whatever? Or go a month later when you could afford it. Why on earth do you think it's okay for you and your husband's to say that out of a family holiday for SEVEN people, the only person you can't afford to pay for all of is his son's portion?

Seriously OP, take your jealousy out of the situation, how do you think that's okay???

Viviennemary · 08/03/2015 19:16

Well that is quite a lot of maintenance then IMHO. But honestly holidays to Barbados on one salary and four or five children isn't usually possible for most people earning £70K a year. Your DH should not be objecting to paying for a holiday for his own child. But strictly speaking I can sympathise a bit because a teenager doesn't usually cost £1.5K a month to fund even though it might seem like it sometimes.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 19:19

OP I think you are getting a hard time on here. It's ok for your DH to pay very generously every month to his ex for his DS, but if he asks for a favour back one month, you're accused of taking the piss.
It's silly that he didn't have enough money but if he really didn't, what's wrong with him asking her?

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 19:22

Nothing wrong with asking charley. There is something wrong with blaming someone for not lending you money. And something very wrong with not planning (and saving enough) to take dss in the first place.

Starlightbright1 · 08/03/2015 19:27

I am at a loss really.

When you look at holidays and costs... The cost is 2 adults and 5 children...That is the cost of the holiday.

I think the fact you have costed out the cost of step son is very sad indeed.

The thing about holidays is about time with parents. I wonder if you are a bit envious that DSS has had a nice holiday in barbados and you DC only got to go camping?

You do seem to avoid the question of what DH thinks about all this

MinceSpy · 08/03/2015 19:27

Surely the the fairest thing to do is work out how much child support your dp 'should' be paying for his eldest. Pursue the father of your twins for the child support he should be paying. If ex wife frustrates access then mediation and court. In the mean time start job hunting. The 'burden' of supporting your twins is as much a drain as his son is.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 19:29

Fair enough. OP why was the holiday planned without DSS?

CalicoBlue · 08/03/2015 19:29

Yes, I have children, my own and step.

I see nothing wrong with going on holiday without all the kids. We went Skiing without my DS, we had a free holiday on offer, but he had exams. So he had a week on his own with his Dad, he was happy with that. We had a holiday without him. All happy.

I think forcing blended families to all do everything together is too much for some families.

This year DH and I are going away on our own with no kids, bliss, we have never done this before.

He will go on holiday with his DS without the rest of us, I will sort something out with my kids.

mushypeasontoast · 08/03/2015 19:33

Dh should have paid the full cost to take his ds on holiday with him. If he happened to be paying for other members of his family on top of his dc then that is down to him.

You are complaining that your ex contributes nothing towards his children and is a low life. Why did you choose to have dc with him? That is not the fault of your dss or his parents.

Maybe you need to look at some of your life choices and stop blaming other people for the consequences.