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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 18:49

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking his ex to contribute if he was genuinely struggling... He buys expensive treats as well as his generous maintenance, in theory why can't his ex be generous with her money on one occasion.

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 18:49

It's really quite simple. Between you and your dh you have five children. When saving for a holiday you save enough for all your children to come with you.

Would you have considered leaving one of your own dc behind? Probably not, because you consider them all to be an equal part of your family. Why on earth your dh wanted to leave his son behind is, frankly, beyond me.

OllyBJolly · 08/03/2015 18:50

The Barbados trip was not paid because we could not afford to pay half of that on top of the maintenance.

OP - you seem to have a real blind spot with this!

You could not afford it for lots of reasons:

You're not working
Your ex does not contribute to his children
Your husband has five children and a wife to fund

I often buy my own children, my nieces and nephews, friends' children etc random presents. My DDs' step mother was generous to a fault with gifts to them. It's just something people do for kids they care about. This is his son who doesn't live with him. Don't grudge him some computer games and clothes.

Why do you keep blaming everything on your husband's ex? He sounds a keeper, by the way. I'd take care that this jealousy of his ex-wife doesn't drive him away.

KissMyFatArse · 08/03/2015 18:51

Have you spoken to your DH about why he is doing this every month if it is leaving you struggling?

If he is already paying over and above what he is required to then why does he not just say, erm no??

Original poster

WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:51

Because surely she would want dss to go away with us as well. We said could we borrow she refused in my opinion her only motive is to get at me and dh.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 18:52

I'm also confused as to why you would leave one of the children behind when you went on holiday?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 18:52

Are there people who really think a Barbados holiday is a right?

Wow.

Whoever mentioned jealousy was right on the money.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 18:53

Your DSS seems to be a bit of a pawn in all this. It's sad.

Original poster

WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:54

I was working at time of holiday so money arguments are pointless. I'm not selfish but i saved for a long time and that women can't spare £350 of her already large cm payments for her son to go on holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 18:55

Part of the reason dh buys things is because he is worried she will refuse access of turn things nasty

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/03/2015 18:55

Because surely she would want dss to go away with us as well. We said could we borrow she refused in my opinion her only motive is to get at me and dh.

What planet are you on? Why are you even booking holidays you can't afford? If you can't afford to take your children on a family holiday to Barbados you go somewhere else instead.

Surely you are on a wind up because nobody is this lacking in self-awareness.

AGirlCalledBoB · 08/03/2015 18:56

Why on earth should a woman pay £350 for her son to go on his holiday with his dad. His father and you should have paid the same for all 5 kids or not gone at all.

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 18:57

Because surely she would want dss to go away with us as well

why should she pay for that? what has it got to do with her? how on earth is it the ex's responsibility to pay for (or even lend money towards) a holiday for her child to take with someone else?

As for her motives, whatever. It's up to her. She doesn't have to lend you money. She's not a bank. She's not some kind of credit union. She has no obligation whatsoever towards your holiday.

I sincerely hope no one has said in front of this young man 'we didn't get our holiday because of you'.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 08/03/2015 18:58

It's nothing to due with whether she can spare it it's that she shouldn't have to pay for his father to take him on holiday with him.

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 18:58

CM payments are not for holidays. I would argue they should cover essential clothing (like a new winter coat), but it is not for you to decide if dss's mum should use CM payments to cover part of the cost for your holiday with dss. But, to be fair, it sounds like you didn't want to take him in the first place, and his mum had to insist that his father didn't leave him out.

AyeAmarok · 08/03/2015 18:59

But you didn't save enough OP, because you had only saved enough for 4 of your 5 children to go away. You can't just leave one behind!

And your DH's ExW doesn't need to make up the shortfall, she'd already self-understanding a holiday to Barbados with her son, why would she pay for your holiday too?!

fedupbutfine · 08/03/2015 18:59

Part of the reason dh buys things is because he is worried she will refuse access of turn things nasty

He's 15 years old. He can do what he wants.

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 19:01

fedup, when you're a teenager in this situation you know full well when you're not wanted, regardless of what anyone actually says in front of you. Poor kid.

PtolemysNeedle · 08/03/2015 19:01

OP, you are probably projecting a lot here. If you've been off work, in pain and struggling financially with five children to consider for a long time now, it's understandable that your judgement is cloudy.

You really aren't going to do anyone any favours, least of all yourself, by continuing to blame your husbands ex for the circumstances you have found yourself in. It's not her fault. She might be being a bit demanding with money if she knows her sons father can afford to provide for him (which he can) but that's just her being a protective mother who doesn't want her child to miss out on anything because his father has gained responsibility for four more children.

What does your husband say about the extra gifts that your ds's doesn't need like play station games each month? Does he want to continue to provide these for his son, or haven't you talked about it, or what?

AyeAmarok · 08/03/2015 19:01

Whoops, self-funded*

CalicoBlue · 08/03/2015 19:01

My Dh takes DSS on holiday, just the two of them at least twice a year. He also pays DSS share of any holiday he takes with his mother, which can be twice a year too.

It is not unusual for the higher earner to pay their child's share of a holiday.

Though as we do not have joint DC, I don't think what he spends his money on is my business.

As your DSS has holiday with his mother, I would just have gone ahead without him on your family holiday. It is his mothers fault, not yours.

spanieleyes · 08/03/2015 19:02

Because surely she would want dss to go away with us as well. We said could we borrow she refused in my opinion her only motive is to get at me and dh

Well, if you could only afford to take 4 children away, why not leave one of the twins at home?
Oh wait, that would be because they are "yours" and dss isn't. What a nasty way to look at it!

Original poster

WomenVsBarbie · 08/03/2015 19:02

I think your confused movingonup

OP posts:

Sortmylifeout · 08/03/2015 19:03

Don't tell me your dh takes home £70 grand a year and you can't find £350 for half a holiday for your stepson.

Charley50 · 08/03/2015 19:03

Why didn't you save enough? Where was the holiday? If you are that strapped DH really should stop paying for extras. And yes at 15 DSS can decide. Did you say earlier that he stays with you every weekend?

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