To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

It is enough. It's enough. Why would that even be in your head after a lovely afternoon with a great weekend planned for him?

I just can't help thinking when he's older that's basically going to amount to having no family and he might not be so happy then

What you think will happen and what will eventually happen are two entirely different things. You have absolutely no control over things happening X years from now. Why waste time and energy worrying?

Both of my parents were only children - my dad never met his father. My husband was an only child. Theyre all well adjusted people who have never missed or needed a sibling to,fill an imaginary void. All have a wide circle of friends, active social lives, hobbies, good friends theyve known for 30+ years.

Youre making your wish for another child your sons problem. This is very unnecessary and completely cruel.

I was a "sibling" ... a multiple who, it was clear, was the extra kid there to keep my twin company in the eyes of some of my family (thankfully not my mum).

Please don't have a child as a sibling. It's pretty shitty knowing people see you as the plus one, there to comfort/entertain the originally planned child.

Having "another child" is one thing but "making a sibling" is another and might be fair on your ds but affect dc2 deeply.

I think you are just projecting all your disappointment on not having another child onto your DS. It's perfectly understandable to say you are upset as you really wanted another child but don't pretend it's because your DS is missing out because he isn't. He sounds like he's very happy.

Agree with pps - think you need counselling in RL OP.

I really don't mean to be patronising or insulting but you don't sound rational and are clearly v, v upset. If you can't enjoy a happy day with your child without your worries ruining it there is something wrong somewhere.

I could have written this.

We've "only" been trying for two years but it feels like forever and the age gap is ever growing. We've not given up yet but I'm 38 now, any pregnancy will be complicated (for various medical reasons) and I just can't see it happening. How much money and energy do we spend in pursuit of a sibling?

I feel so guilty. I have wonderful, very close relationships with both my siblings as does DH. Without fail I speak to my sister everyday. DH sees his every week. DD will never have this - and is 15 years younger than her nearest cousin.

I total understand the OP

There's a great thread on the only child board with all the positives of one child families. It's a good read if you're feeling guilty.

I'm sorry that you didn't get your desired family op but really, you have to make lemonade. You will never know what it may have been but there are many scenarios such as sibling rivalry, different personalities or disabilities that wouldn't have provided a perfect playmate.

I think occasional guilt is normal but your feelings seem excessive.

I think, like others, you need to go and get some form of counselling to help you with YOUR loss of not being able to have another child.

Because it really isn't healthy for you to be living like this, feeling so anxious and upset about not being able to provide a sibling for your child.

FWIW I believe that no one should ever have another child in order to provide a sibling. You should only ever think about having another child if it is for your own sake. There is no guarantee siblings will get on, will play together or will even like each other - either as children or as adults.

I have a 12y DD. She is an only child. Yes, there are times she would have liked a sibling. Just like there are times her friends with siblings would prefer to be an only child!

DD knows that we would have liked another child but it wasn't possibly. She doesn't hold that against us or feel badly about it. Its just one of those things.

But DD is happy, really happy. She is well adjusted, she is surrounded by family who love her and she is so sociable - always surrounded friends, either in person or interacting electronically. She doesn't have these so-called "only child traits" - she happily shares, takes turns, enjoys copany, also enjoys own company, etc.

Being an only child is NOT a bad thing. It is just different to being a child with siblings - neither is always the best situation. They both have prs and cons, and you have no way of knowing if your child would have even got on with a sibling anyway.

I think you could have a 1'000 people on here tell you that having an only child is a perfectly fine family set up and your child won't be harmed from it, but I don't think you will accept it as I get the impression that your heartbreak is because you can't have another child for yourself (which is how it should be) not because you are upset about your current child not having a sibling.

I think you are projecting your own emptiness onto your son and using him as an excuse to explain away all this angst, distress and upset.

I agree with everyone single person who has said that you need to get some support and counselling as I think your emotional state about not being able to conceive goes deeper than you just wanting your son to have a brother or sister.

I think as well as projecting on your son you are trying way too hard to convince us that you are perfect mummy and not affecting your son. Rubbish.

What 5 year old does this He sat on the sofa when he got back and sighed and said 'ah I'm so happy here at home all safe and snuggled.' ???

Are you trying to convince us or yourself that you are a perfect mother with a son who is completely oblivious to the fact that you don't see the point in bothering with things because you only have him?

Get help.

Honestly that's what he said. He says stuff like that quite often! He's quirky - that is the sort of 5 year old he really is!

Also it is massively unfair to say I don't bother with my son. I spend a lot of time with him and do a lot of things with him. He's been to loads of places and had hundreds of experiences. He's been read to every night since he was born. He can play complicated board games because I've played with him since he could talk. I know this is not out of the norm for most parents but it is not fair to say I don't bother with him because it's only him. I probably go too far the other way!

And I know I'm not a perfect mother by a long shot but ds does feel loved, however much I feel sad that he's missed out on a sibling I know he knows he's loved.

But you are the poster who felt that there was no point in putting up Christmas decorations aren't you? Don't you think your DS feels that? You were in tears on a Wednesday before your DS would have been in bed. You don't think he notices that?

I wonder if he says things like that (about being safe on the sofa) because he knows that you're unhappy and he's trying desperately to please you.

That's why you need to get help. For him. Why do you keep ignoring the suggestions to go to counselling?

Is it just me or is 'safe' very odd language for a five year old who hasn't identified big problems.

Another one who remembers the christmas thread.

I can tell you my DS asked Santa for a baby sister when he was 5.. I told him it isn't happening.. He is now 7 and doesn't want a sibling.

You are damaging your child not by not giving him a sibling but by your response ..Not wanting decorations up, Compensating for his loss.

My DS is not great at playing on his own however when we go on holiday he makes friends. He goes to kids clubs.

I agree with everyone else you need counselling however I am sure this has all been said before.

I am afraid.. You are creating a problem in your head that isn't there for son.

I'm an only child, I loved it because I had a fantastic relationship with my parents. I actually felt that I would have hated having to share my parents love (although I know now that obviously I would have accepted a sibling!) The think is, you only know the situation that you're in yourself...my husband had 3 brothers and can't imagine not having had them whereas I can't imagine having had a sibling. The reality is that you are applying your own experience of having siblings onto this different situation.

To be very blunt, I'm afraid it's quite clear that you need some help in this area as you seem to be irrationally anxious and obsessed with this, and only children pick up on their parents' moods very quickly, even if you think that they don't. I'm afraid, as an only child myself, I have to tell you to grow up, get help and start enjoying the life you have.

penguins are you implying I abuse my child?!

I think it comes from us saying 'here we are home safe and sound'
But no doubt that will be twisted into something else too.

Getting counselling on the nhs is not that easy. I have been to the gp. She nodded sympathetically and offered no solutions.

Did you just accept her nod and walk off? You've a tongue in your head and could have used it to suggest what kind of help you might like from your GP.

Ah OP i have not rtft but you need to go easier on yourself.
My DD once asked me for a sibling.
Her ex bf's mum once said that one child isn't a family
Cannot tell you how incensed that made me
Took years before i realised said mum was actually of me only having to look after one
I ended up having three
They HATE each other
I wish i was kidding but i cannot see a silver lining right now as the last couple of months have been a friggin nightmare
DD tells me she did not realise what siblings would entail and preferred being an only child
I no longer have time for her, am overstretched and torn in three and noone is happy atm
So...although that does not stop you feeling broody and nor should it, nonetheless there is always the downside that that great sibling relationship in your fantasies will not bear fruit irl. I cannot turn back time. I refuse to regret my kids.
But had i known the effect on my pfb it would have given me pause for thought.
Best thing you could do for ds? Be that mum with the open house, up for playdates, adopting the kids who cannot necessarily do a return play date, the mum i wanted to be but cannot right now and is eating me up inside

OP, I am a mum to a 3.6 year old only son. I'm afraid you need to listen to the other posters on here a get some professional help. Many therapists will charge lower rates for those who really need assistance. I have had issues and have noticed that my mood and behaviour has had a huge impact on my son. You need to stop being so self indulgent about this and start to work through it. It's harsh but you need to focus on what you are so fortunate to have, not what you don't have.

You know the amount of emotional energy you have put into pursuing a second child over the past few years? Now you need to put that same amount of energy (or more) into finding a way to be content with your situation. As about a hundred people have already said, professional help is essential.

You are extraordinarily fortunate to have a happy, healthy child. But I know that my saying that will not change your perception of things. And that is precisely why seeking professional help is the best option, as far as I can see. No matter how difficult it may be to get counselling on the NHS, don't give up. Don't waste any more years in regret. That's no way to live.

I asked you pages ago, but didn't get an answer, how does your husband feel?

Does he know how you feel?