To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

Why are you not prepared to pay for private counselling? If you had successfully got pregnant you will have outlayed a lot more money than the cost of some counselling sessions.

Dh is desperate for a second child too. He has a large family and wants the same for ds. He feels sorry for him too. However he works really long hours and is away most of the week so it's me that bears the brunt of it.
I can't afford to pay for counselling, dh would have to pay and I know he wouldn't because he'd think it was a waste of money.

I am an only child and while I would have liked a sibling there were lots of advantages (more time with parents, no fights etc) and I don't blame my Mum who was in her 40s when she started trying for babies.

I think some people will always say something annoying. i am expecting DC3 and I get people hinting they think I should have stopped at two and I also have a couple of friends who have chosen to have an only child so they can give them 'everything'.

In that case you need to go back to the gp and be honest about how bad you are feeling.

Your DH is still a twat then. I imagine more than half of how you are feeling is due to the pressure from him. You really really counselling and possibly more intensive psychiatric support. I remember your previous posts about your marriage too and you're only staying in it for this mythical, magical second child.

Your husband doesn't believe in therapy does he? I remember that. You have to go back to the GP, it's the only appropriate course of action.

No he doesn't.

Someone on the only child board describes having an only child as being between being childless and having children. I don't feel like that but I do think that's how a lot of people perceive having an only child.

Well no one I have ever met has expressed this. Also I have never heard of a g p who would not refere someone for counselling. Anti depressants would probably be very good for you too.

I do see where you are coming from. Haven't read the whole thread, but have you considered adoption?

Perhaps also you could encourage closer relations between DS and his godparents (or if he doesn't have any, appoint some), so that you know he has more people in his life who care about and support him, even if they are older.

OP I feel for you. I'm currently pregnant with dc2 after 3 years of trying, uterine surgery, fertility treatment and back-to-back miscarriages. I'm 39 too so had the added stress of a loudly ticking clock. The pg was a surprise as we'd almost given up and I was due to have one more surgery to try and clear some scar tissue before we tried one last time.

I went into some very dark places over the three years. I tried hard not to let it impact on DS who is now nearly 4 but I'm not sure I was always successful. I was very sad. My thoughts and focus were probably elsewhere a lot of the time. We went through a period where we had to not try because I was due to have some tests which couldn't be done if there was any chance I might be pg. Weirdly for those couple of months I was much happier because I wasn't hoping and then having the hopes dashed.

I understand about the sibling thing but for me it came from a place of wanting a happy family as I had had and I have a lovely sister. That was what I knew as "family" and it's hard to adjust that. Both my parents are only children and both recall being lonely. My mother lost both her parents in her 20s and it had a huge impact on her. I often think if she'd had a sibling to share that burden with it might have been easier. Do I do understand where your worries come from. But they do seem to be consuming you at the moment and I agree with others that you might find it helpful to talk to a professional.

On a completely different note. Can I ask if you've been checked for endometriosis and/or scar tissue from your first birth ? This was the underlying cause of my problems conceiving my second. I had none of the usual symptoms of endometriosis though and it was found basically by accident. Have you had an HSG?

I would describe having one child (dont like the term "only" as it implies something is missing) as somewhere between being childless and having too many!

Our DS is adopted, which we did after many years of IVF. The plan was always to have 2 and therefore go through the process again. Our DS is now nearly 5 and I am really not sure we will go through the adoption process again. I absolutely love our little family and I worry so much about changing what we have for the worse.

We do have many friends with children, and we make sure that our DS gets a lot of time with them, and we are always having people to stay or visiting people. But love the peace and quiet when its just us!

OP, you need to come to terms with this - am sure it will be hard, and counselling will probably be needed. Good luck with it.

Why such a demarcation between your money and his? You are clearly unhappy. If counselling would help (and I think it would) then your family would benefit from it.

She would never pass the psychological evaluation for adoption.

I hope.

An adopted child would never be good enough for her.

Harsh?

Yep. Like her attitudes to one child families, only children and her own child.

Your husband sounds a twat.

You don't need his permission to go and ask for help from your GP. He doesn't even need to know you've been. You could have counselling when he was away working his long hours.

OP, I know it's bad form to bring up past posting history, but I literally can't forget some of your other threads, particularly the Christmas one. They are heart-breaking in lots of ways, not least because you seem absolutely stuck in this position and nothing anyone says to you seems to make the slightest difference. From what you've said previously about your DH, I wonder if this thread would maybe be better in Relationships, as he doesn't really seem to understand or support your emotional state, which seems to be contributing heavily to your distress. You do not need his permission to seek counselling, privately or through the NHS. Please don't push away ropes that might get you out of the comforting quicksand of self-pity you're wallowing in right now, because - I'm sorry - that's what it is.

Harsh but true DarkSangria. It would be so unfair to subject an already vulnerable child to the multiple issues in this household.

I am an only child. I would have liked a sibling.

But I never felt there was a vast dark hole where I was missing a sibling. It was fine.
I missed having a sibling, and it was the idea of one not the reality, like I missed not going to Disney World as a child. A nice to have but not devastating.

Please go to your GP and get some help.
Hopefully you will then get the strength to change your situation.

If your DH can not see how much this is upsetting you and consuming your life (let alone not appreciate the damaging messages you are subconsciously sending to your DS that he 'isn't enough' for you), and will not pay for the desperately needed counselling, then why on earth would you consider having a second child with him?

You can see from all the posts here by people who have had one child by choice, or one child by circumstance, that 'for others' having one child can be the best thing ever, for the parents and the child. Their circumstances, when viewed from a spaceship, are no different to yours. Their child will have as enjoyable childhood, as many friends, have as many skills, have the same chances of a happy relationship as your DS. The only difference between those posters and you, is YOU. You are the one out of kilter with your extreme reaction to having one child.

The saddest words you've posted are where you say that your DH feels similar but he works away a lot so you have to "bear the brunt of it alone". Bear the brunt of what?? You have a healthy, gorgeous, charming 5 year old boy who you should be grabbing life by the balls with!

I'm going to be harsh here. I'm going to paint a potential scenario you're not going to like. You ain't having another child. In 60 years time when you are lying on your death bed in the nursing home, you're still going to have only one child visiting you. Accept that for a minute. Picture that for a minute. You could either have spent the previous 60 years of your life focussing on what you don't have (and have lived a shitty half-life, probably damaging your DS in the process, through only ever being emotionally half-available for him) or you could have spent the last 60 years of your life doing all the fantastic things that life can offer and loving and cherishing your DS as the centre of your world as he deserves. Life is so so bloody precious. I can't believe you are prepared to waste it.

You need to prioritise getting counselling above everything else you are doing at the moment. Book an appointment with a different GP today and demand it/put aside money each month from your housekeeping to save up for it/borrow money from family to pay for it.

You need help. You need to get that help.

It's not bad form to point out that the OP's threads are all exactly the same and serve no purpose other than for the OP to entrench her delusions whilst wasting the time of a whole load of new posters each time.
Mumsnet can't help you OP you need professional help. I also strongly believe that these threads do more harm than good to the OP as they allow her to indulge in her beliefs without doing anything effective about it, and the posters who come on and sympathise just validate her position (whilst ignoring all the people who say she's wrong of course)

I feel sad for you and your son. It must be awful living with your attitude. So glad my single child is being brought up positively in a household where life is about what you have, not what you don't have. She has no cousins either. Get over it!

Op, not sure if you'll take this on board but suggest you repost in Relationships/MH (aibu a bunfight!) and try to reframe as a "how to" instead- how to deal with likely possibility pf no 2nd child/my rumination on this/how to make most of being one kid family etc etc.

Jesus. Since when has having empathy with someone been a bad thing? And those telling her to just get over it - I hope you don't work with or are close to anyone suffering with depression.

Worried who was that post directed at?

Many people have offered you sympathy, but really, it is your son who needs it the most.

You didn't even want to put up Xmas decorations for your son as you were too depressed about not having another child; completely forgetting that you have one who deserved to have a lovely Xmas and deserves his mother to be happy. You didn't want to make an effort for Xmas because you only have one child.

I have read all your posts and really, the only thing people should be doing is getting you to face up to the truth that you need serious help. I agree with Ehric that these threads and the resulting sympathy are harmful. Of course not everyone knows your history here so they are taking it at face value, but you have received so many replies and advice on this subject over and over again which you ignore.

You need to concentrate on the child you have before he grows up thinking he was never enough for you. I have tonnes of sympathy for people who can't conceive a second, third etc child they so much want, but not when that affects the happiness of the child they have to the extent your unhappiness does.

I have just the one, felt a bit guilty about the sibling thing but more for when he's older and having to deal with ageing parents and being the only one.

I listened recently to Michelle Hansen on the radio and she said that being an only child helped when she was sorting out what to do with her elderly mum as she just had to get on with it without having to faff about what siblings did/thought etc.

Brothers and sisters can be more hassle than they are worth tbh as I'm finding out at the mo.....

This is a while back now because I went to bed. But Jesus OP. No, I wasn't implying you abuse your child.

But saying that a place is safe is odd language for a small child. They might understand a behaviour san unsafe or dangerous, but they don't generally divide the world into safe places and not safe places. They feel safe around adults they trust.

As I said in my post, I think you are deluding yourself that your DS isn't picking up on your feelings. This type of language is a sign of a child who has picked up a lot of anxiety in their care giver. Not abuse. Anxiety and stress. I don't think it's explained away by your comment coming in the door (and I think that's a slightly nervy thing to say to a child too).