To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

I think it's more about not being a huge fan of other people's children! I love my own even though he's loud and boisterous! You always have to tread carefully with other people's children and I can't relax when they're here!

Ok then, but you have to alter your mindset, because it's just not fair to have this burden hanging over your son.

Sorry I hugely disagree that it's better. I think it's just as good, but different. Pros and cons on both sides, so honestly, save your pity...

Not everybody is sociable but could you not make the effort so that your son gets to hang out with other people more?

My beautifully unrealistic, deeply patronizing SIL has one and she's always advising me on how to nanage my lot better for a "quiet house, it's how be brought them up". Ludicrous to think it's all in your control! Like i CHOSE constant battles, bitter arguments, turf warfare, mayhem and ahouting?? For enjoyment?? Hell, it's the luck of the draw. It's what I've got. And it's often bloody horrible, tbf...

My brother is six years younger than me and because of this I had nothing to do with him until he was about 14 - we just had no common ground before then.

DP is an only child and doesn't feel like he missed out.

I do understand that you're upset about not being able to have another child but your opinions are quite extreme. Your DS isn't lacking anything by not having a sibling.

The Kitty is very wise!

The thing is generally people must think it's better to have a sibling because generally people have more than one child. Mainly I suppose because they just want another child but also because they want the first one to have a sibling. Lots of my friends had a second or third child to give a brother or sister to the existing child or children. Lots stated they'd never have just one child.
So if this is the general consensus and given that all my friends have siblings - none are onlies - and they wanted that for their own children then it must be better - yes?

No I'd rather have ds. But that's selfish and for me. He would have been better in a bigger family.

OP - You are going round in circles and almost seem to be enjoying your own misery now. Please. Get counselling.

I feel very sad that u are desperate for another child and have been unable, thus far, to have one, but please do not think u are in any way, shape or form letting your child down because he doesn't have a sibling.

My child would love a sibling, but he can't have one (for reasons I'd rather not go into on here.) There's nothing wrong with being an only child and people shouldn't have another just so their offspring aren't only children. Far more important for children to be loved and cherished than having a sibling and actually many people I know who don't have siblings don't feel like they've missed out in any way.

It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you keep proclaiming how miserable your son will be without a sibling.

In the real world, I've never met anyone who had another child because they wanted their only to have a sibling. I've met loads of people who wanted to have another child full stop. Also I've met people who have had 2, 3, 4 and that has tipped the balance.

And yes you are still being incredibly rude btw.

Op I do feel for you, and where you are currently with all this, but I do believe that no-one's life ever turns out how they planned, or how they would ultimately like. Whether that is to do with family, relationships, health, disability, career, etc, we all have to battle to accept things that we wouldn't have chosen for ourselves. I know I have, or rather, I am.

You say that you are unable to give DS a sibling, but that's not true. You are unable to give him a biological sibling. You have mentioned adoption, but you almost seem to have dismissed it (forgive me if that's not the case) because you cannot start the process for 2 years. Why not turn that around and think, wow, in 2 years I can begin the adoption process, and DS will have a sibling. 2 years will give you time to seek good counselling / psychotherapy to come to terms with not being able to have another biological child. Of course after 2 years, you may feel differently anyhow, but if not, you will be in a good position to give a child a much needed family, and DS will be a good age to get involved in welcoming that child into the family.

As I said, I do feel for you, and hope I have not come across as harsh, or said anything inappropriate

Yes. I agree with you. I made that point myself. BUT. IF it is not happening, and I can see you have tried everything, then what can you possibly do? You can keep trying, but it is consuming you, and people are worried it's doing more harm than good. You do have to sometimes just accept your lot. You have done everything within your power to change things. We just don't always get what we want. Life isn't fair. Your child sounds happy, loved, healthy, sweet. Perhaps now is the time to focus on the good.

I am not the most social, like you. (DH is though). But last year, we took DS on holiday with another family. It worked great, and DS loved it. We had separate apartments, but the boys played together all day, and we cooked together at night. We coupled that with a just-us holiday earlier in the year. I think you have to make the best of what you have now.

Stop wallowing in misery. You're the main risk to his childhood happiness right now. He may take from this that he isn't enough for you and can't make you happy.

I have one and don't want any more. You say generally it must be better to have more because most people do. I don't buy that logic at all. Didn't your mother tell you not to do something just cos everyone else does?

I know you are upset that you can't conceive and I'm sorry about that. Don't feel sorry for your DS though and please don't say multiple / 2 child families are "better".

As something like 50% of children are accidents not all siblings will be planned or even wanted.
A friend who has several sibs, which all seem to get on seems on the fence about having another.
Though i agree, as like you op i wouldnt fancy having dc's friends over constantly its a lot of responsibility, but then they can do after school activities.

With siblings playing together so imagine a gap of about 6 yrs that you are now looking at
So DS of 6 and newborn
7 yo and 1yo
8- 2
9-3
10-4 same school ?
11-5 same school?
12-6
13-7
14-8
15-9
16-10 ds doing gcses
17-11 as
18-12 alevel
19-13 uni
20-14 uni
21-15 uni
Dc2 would be alone from 13. The ages DS might want to play together so now till 11 rather than with friends dc2 would be under 5.
Actually may only be in same school those 2 yrs if ds goes to 6th form.
A large gap isnt an issue but may make it unlikely to play together . Though they could get on as adults. They couldnt go to pub tog till ds is 24.
Have many of your friends chose a large age gap?
Maybe people just want others to join in the misery/mayhem of several kids.?
Or convince themselves that as they wanted 2 that its better for the child too.
I think the process of ivf and infertility leads to depression and anxiety alway wondering about what you could change and why/when only the people most set on having kid (s) would go through it. So when it doesnt work its hard to let go as having spent all the time/money you even more and to get the end result - its so close. Then if you are unexplained you keep trying and hoping naturally.
Its a hard lesson but kids cant always get what they want whether thats to get x number of siblings or get rid of them.
Just think he may be closer to you. I cant really see downside of holidays with just parents gettibg to do what you want.
I think all kids now are getting very spoilt- its certainly not the only children. Fed junk, given games consoles and toys, maybe because as we seem to have gone down to 2 kids in most families everyone has more resources. I never got to do many after school clubs maybe swimming for a couple of years.

I think that guilt is pointless and a waste of your life. You need to find a way past it, probably counselling. Noone unless they have done something truly awful should feel guilt. People are so insensitive, or just rude maybe.

the greatest gift you can give your child is a brother or sister. And it's true.

As others have said this is total utter bollocks. I hav an only, I'm an only, my parents are both onlies, they each had a parent who was an only - my family is bloody good at producing only children! If you want to be soppy the greatest gifts you give your child are a happy secure childhood where they know they are loved (and not forever living in the shadow of a hypothetical sibling that never was) and the confidence to go out into the world and for strong relationships and do their own thing.

Your experience of the ageing parent thing also doesn't stack up with what I might respectfully suggest is my slightly more extensive experience of this. My parents have both coped with the loss of their parents, and so did their parents before them. They didn't do it alone in a dark hole with no-one around to support them - they did it with people who loved them and cared for them and would have done anything to help (organise funerals, take care of the child (me!), sit at the hospital with them, hold them while they cried) - all the stuff you are so absolutely sure this giftwrapped sibling would do - in my parents case (and now mine as I begin to face up to ill and ageing parents) its come from people who don't share DNA with me.

OP you aren't listening to anyone on this thread, you're not even acknowledging you might need more support in this. Please have a read of all the posts, not just the very few that are agreeing with you - please try to get help for yourself - at the moment that is probably the greatest gift you can give your son - a mother who can look forward to the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years with positivity.

form strong relationships, not for...

the greatest gift you can give your child is a brother or sister. And it's true.

I wonder if someone told my DM this when she 'presented' me with a sibling at the age of 12, and if so, I wonder where she put the receipt, because it certainly wasn't a present I wanted.

You need some counselling and you need it fast OP.

I do feel sorry for you, but I feel sorrier for the child you have, who is so clearly, clearly not enough for you. Don't you think he's picked up on this by now? If not, he will.

op, you sound like you have a fantasy version of siblings, not a realistic one

We've just been to the park, ds now watching tv and having a snack. He sat on the sofa when he got back and sighed and said 'ah I'm so happy here at home all safe and snuggled.'
Later we're going out for something to eat and tomorrow cinema with friends. Sunday is grandparents day but will take him out for a bike ride in the morning first.
As I said I don't feel he's missing out from what I'm doing with him, I feel I'm doing the best I can but it's still not good enough for him, he deserves more. Do you see what I mean? It just won't ever be enough.

your son doesnt have a problem op, you have

No I dont see what you mean. Being a good parent to him is exactly what he needs and plenty.