To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

[Notmymuse]

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

Op,as someone who has read your previous threads and felt awful for your poor son due to your behaviour, I think you really need to wake up and get some help,like NOW.

Imagine being a child whos mother didn't bother putting up Christmas decorations because she thought it was pointless for you but would do it if you had a brother or sister. Imagine a mother who thinks you should be elsewhere or are better off elsewhere because there's only you but if you had a brother or sister it would be different. Imagine a mother who thought you should be without her but she would 100% want to be there with you if you had a brother or sister.

Think about the cruelty you are inflicting on your poor child and realise that the only thing damaging him is YOU. The only relationship he is missing out on is the one he SHOULD be having with YOU but won't be because all you can think about is another child like your son is nothing

Bloody do all with it

• deal not do all!

You said further down the thread that he thinks he has the best life ever. There is a difference between being sociable and wanting a sibling.

Maybe he does, but it's pointless dwelling on it if it's not to be. The possible consequence is making you, and potentially your DS, miserable.

Please, please seek out counselling. It's like a bereavement and you really need support because you aren't coping.

I don't want people to pity me.

Ds has everything I can give him emotionally and materially. The only thing he doesn't have is - obviously - a sibling to share it all with.

I do think it would have been better for ds to have been born to someone else who could have given him a bigger family, although I'm very glad he's mine. Better for him though.

Why not start looking into adoption then?

And yes there are advantages and yes he's lucky in lots of ways but it all pales in comparison. Someone said to me once - after asking if I only had one child - the greatest gift you can give your child is a brother or sister. And it's true. I just feel inadequate, it's not about ds not being enough for me (although yes I dearly want a second child) it's that I feel dh and I aren't enough for him and I feel bad for him that something I should have been able to do easily is just completely impossible.

Magoria- maybe i am that sibling??
Otherwise, can relate- i have a sib who has consistently behaved offhand, enviously and carelessly to me all our adult lives other than chucking us/dc the odd showy (always late) presents.

It's been a source of enormous hurt and confusion. Obv am not blameless but i have tried many times to have a normal relationship. She doesnt return calls or emails (even when concerning a family death), doesnt ever accept/make invitations to her only nieces then plays my parents off against me. I have given up now. Not prepared to go there again. I would seriously have had a better life without her, much as i love her

We have to wait two years. They won't let you even start the process until you've stopped actively pursuing a biological child of your own for at least two years.

OP, please look into counselling... my friend had 3 miscarriages and had to have extensive counselling to be able to accept that she will NEVER have a child...

you can't change your feelings on your own, so get some help to recognise them, deal with them and move on and enjoy the child that you already have.

the greatest gift you can give your child is a brother or sister. And it's true

In the nicest possible way - that's actually total bullshit.

There are many wonderful 'gifts' you can bestow upon your children - time, money, attention, a sibling is not one of them.

A mentally healthy parent is also a great gift - please get yourself some help with dealing with this asap. Not only for your son's sake but for your own, and particularly if you think you may adopt in the future.

My friend has 2 children - as siblings they are a disaster, really, they hate each other and it can truly be said that the second child has put such a strain in my friend's marriage that the only way they can deal with it is to take one child each at the weekend and go to different places. It has really stressed the relationship to breaking point.

Having a sibling is not some great nirvana, and if you focus on it you are destroying your current happiness and that of your son. If you just let yourself enjoy what you have rather than hysterically pursuing something that might actually make things worse you and your family will have no quality of life. Also, you are basically showing your son that he, on his own, is not good enough and he can only have meaning if he has a sibling, which is bonkers, and not much fun for him I imagine.

You need to get a sense of perspective and stop wishing for things you don't have - you are obsessed, and not in a good way. This will do way more harm to your son than not having a sibling, which, by definition he can't actually miss, as he's never had one. I think he'd prefer a mother who was there for him, not thinking about an imaginary perfect being who will solve all her life problems.

I'm going to be blunt OP. There is not a chance in hell you would currently pass the psychological assessments for adoption. If you think it's something you might want to do, then that is another reason to get counselling. Now.

Actually when I'm with ds I tend to put it to one side. It's when he's at school or I'm in bed trying to sleep that I tend to think about it. Usually when ds is here he's so bouncy I don't have chance to think about the sibling thing. Except when I watch him playing on his own. This doesn't really happen at home when I play with him it's more if we're out. He will be on the play area all on his own or when we went on holiday I could see he'd be having more fun on the beach with another child. Sometimes we take a friend with us for a day out but 5 is too little to take a friend on holiday with us and I probably wouldn't want the responsibility of someone else's 5 year for a week abroad! And I doubt the parents would agree to it anyway!

The greatest gift you can give your child is a brother or sister I'm sorry, but this is bollocks and I think you need to get rid of this sort of idea, through counseling if necessary. Surely the greatest gift you give your child is a) their life and b) your love and attention.

I'm an only child, and tbh, I have never wanted siblings. Now I am older, I also appreciate all the advantages I've had due to being an only child- including the extra financial help my parents have been able to give me.

Occasionally, I have wondered what it would be like to have a sibling, but among my friends, as many have bad sibling relationships as they have good ones. I know one set of adult siblings who genuinely hate each other, and the brother has admitted to me he sometimes wishes his younger sister was never born. Equally, I know of another family where the older brother resents his younger sister, who he feels was favored over him. I also know still more adult siblings who just don't have a close relationship and never had done. Actually, in general, it's the older brothers I know who are least close to their younger siblings.

Often people talk about the burden of older parents on only children, but equally if there are lots of children with different views on how best to care for parents, or one sibling who does more caring than the others, it can cause a lot of additional stress.

I do think you should seek counseling or some kind of support to deal with all these feelings. I actually think this is especially important if you are continuing to try and have another child, as, at this stage, I think you could put a lot of pressure on the sibling relationship, especially if they end up being not as close as you would like.

Agree get thee to a counsellor...

We all suffer, that IS life. Right now have one friend with failed ivf, again (no kids!), several traumatic divorces, a frirnd in their 40s with terminal cancer (and ONE small son). I am in a loveless marriage, have SN teen, nighymare sibling & challenging mother. And am v lonely and sad. But not alone in this!!
Really, are you even reading the messages on your thread- some heartbreaking stories?? Can you not relate, feel empathy and thus feel a little better/more accepting in your own sorrow?

I can assure you finding you cant have dc naturally at all at 30 is much worse than being unable to have another dc.
You realise you may not experience it at all.
Would you seriously have had none if you knew you couldnt have 2?
A child cant ask for more than loving parents and one willing to go through ivf to get them a sibling is a lot. As it is potentially life threatening -ohss, GA etc not to mention childbirth.

Yes I do sympathise, I do understand. I know that I'm not in the worst situation ever. I know I'm lucky to have ds. I know other people have had more difficult or just as difficult times.
I know all of this but doesn't make me feel any better or any less bitter. It makes me feel guilty for not feeling better or less bitter though!

100% agree with what DrankSangria said, you're being bloody rude actually and this is only an issue because you're making it so.
I chose to have an only, also at 38, and she's fantastic, and yes, jolly, and happy! Just make a bloody effort and get him to hang out with friends, all the time, like we do. It's not hard.
We have at least 1 sleepover a week, go on holiday with other parents, and are v sociable.
Not once have I ever heard my daughter ever says he wishes she has a brother or sister. She has asked for a puppy though. She has also said she's GLAD she doesn't have a sibling as they always fight.
Neither is better, it just is what it is. My husband is one of 4, 2 of whom hate each other at any given time. This is totally your problem and not your son's.
You act like being an only child is some kind of disease...

Before I had a 2nd child I thought it would be lovely for my DS to have a sibling. I now have a DD who is nearly 7 and my DS is 10. I love them both dearly but cannot stress enough how the 2 of them together are a nightmare. They do not get on at all, never play together, constantly bicker. Last half term was hell and I couldn't wait for it to end so they could go back to school. I know you desperately want another child but any ideal view you have of them playing happily together while you listen contently in another room, getting on with jobs etc, is unrealistic.

My DS often says he hates having a sister & even threatened to move out because he said he can't stand living with her!

There's worse things in life than not having a sibling. As others have said concentrate on the lovely boy you have not on a vision of what a 'perfect' life would be like as it may not turn out like that anyway.

I don't think it's some sort of disease! It is my opinion that it's better for a child to have siblings but I get that's not everyone's opinion.

I think part of why we might struggle is because I'm not sociable and dh isn't sociable. We don't want to go on holiday with other families - we want to take our children away just us. I just foresee years of having to schedule in substitute siblings for ds to try and make it better for him. I will do it but it's not really in my nature to constantly have other people's children over.

Then you might well hate the reality & noise of constantly bickering siblings, OP. Who gate each other.

Hate!

I know all of this but doesn't make me feel any better or any less bitter. It makes me feel guilty for not feeling better or less bitter though!

this is exactly why you need some counselling..... Mn can be harsh on people who don't think a certain way, or just snap out of something, but you really cannot help how you feel.

When my marriage fell apart, and I spiralled into a deep depression, people on MN railed at me, telling me I was lucky I had a home, that life could be worse, nobody died etc... NONE of that changes how you feel about your own particular problem.

This thread is not going to help you... you honestly do need counselling and you should look into "Mindfulness" there are some good books out there, PM me if you want a recommendation (from my own CBT counsellor)...

things will always prey on your mind when it is quiet, when you are in bed, or the shower or in the car on your own. this is when mindfulness comes into play by distracting you.

A sibling is not a gift to another child. They are a human being. You don't "give" a human being as a gift!!
Many many many siblings do not get in at all and some make each other's lives hell for many years.
I am very seriously considering not trying for a second child and I'm sure ds will not have his life ruined by that. We make an effort with friends and other families with children, particularly for holidays.

I can tell you are heartbroken by your inability to have another child for you. But really don't put it all on your ds that its "for him".

I was only for 7 years due to my mum having a still birth and I thiyht I wanted a sibling but the reality was different. I wanted a sibling from an Enid Blyton book not the reality which was one I like well enough but have utterly zero interests in common with. He's in NZ now.