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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think whatever I do for ds it will never make up for being unable to give him a sibling?

330 replies

Notmymuse · 04/03/2015 18:31

Sat here in tears again, I'm so so desperate for a second baby but we've tried naturally for three years and with assistance for two and it's not going to happen by the look of things.

Ds is 5 and I feel like we've missed out a lot of his childhood because we've been chasing this impossible baby. Yes we've done lots with him and I've taken him loads of places. At parent's evening his teacher said how knowledgable he is and you can tell he's had a lot of interaction and conversation with adults because his vocabulary is huge.
However I feel whatever I do for him and with him it will never make up for his lack of sibling. I feel like I've ruined his life. He's missing out on the most important relationship and he's never going to have that. I worry he will blame me when he's older. I try and let him have friends round and go to lots of clubs so he mixes well but it's not the same is it? He's not going to get the skills he'd have if he had a sibling.

Aibu to feel like no matter how hard I try it's all a bit futile? There will always be a big gaping hole in his life?

OP posts:
DecaffTastesWeird · 07/03/2015 09:38

Totally agree that siblings can be more trouble than they are worth.

Was reading this thread yesterday while watching... Erm... Judge Judy Blush. Anyway, there was a man on there suing his brother because they had got into a fight and beaten 10 bells out of each other to the point where one of them was hospitalised. They obvs don't talk now.

Anyway, OP, tbh it sounds like you have some personal problems (possibly some emotional / mental health problems too) other than your disappointment in not being able to conceive. From your posts in the thread (not your OP) it sounds like this is about more than your concerns for DS or your problems ttc. Do you have friends / family who can support you in RL? I really think you need to go back to your GP and be honest about your emotional state as well.

Original poster
Notmymuse · 07/03/2015 09:51

I don't want to tell my family and friends, I don't want them to feel sorry for me. Anyway they can't help, it's my problem not theirs.
I feel most of my friends would enjoy how unhappy I am and enjoy talking about it behind my back.

Anyway I do appreciate everyone who has taken time to post. By 'bear the brunt of it' I just meant it's me who takes ds to school and sees the other children playing with their siblings, me who has to try and occupy ds and arrange play dates, me who worries about whether he's happy. I didn't mean 'bear the brunt' of ds. I just feel I've taken a lot of the worry on and I think because it's me that's been through all the fertility treatment and it's my body that should be able to get pregnant (seriously, it has one job, how hard can it be?) it feels more personal to me. Allegedly it's a male factor problem stopping us from conceiving but I don't think that's true, or not the whole picture anyway. It's my body that repeatedly lets us down.
The few people that do know about our problems (parents and in-laws) repeatedly suggest ways to me to increase my fertility - relax, accupuncture, vitamins, fertility diet etc not to dh. Everyone assumes it's my fault.

OP posts:
mindalina · 07/03/2015 09:58

i have only skimmed the thread because it's huge and i'm lazy, sorry op. but i was eight when my brother was born and yeah, he's alright, but honestly, if he hadn't been born, i doubt i would've been bothered by my lack of siblings. some kids thrive on being only children. your son sounds happy so maybe he's one of them! that said if you've been told it's male factor infertility and you'res till blaming your body i think you might benefit from finding a more sympathetic gp who can sort you out with some counselling because it does sound like this is really getting to you and it would be a waste to be miserable for the rest of your life because of something beyond your control

DrankSangriaInThePark · 07/03/2015 10:08

You have so many issues here OP, can't you see that?

This isn't just about your inability to conceive a second child. You seem to have a fairly dysfunctional relationship with your husband, you are micromanaging your child's life to an excessive degree- a 5 r old doesn't need that level of intervention - that's why they invented school, so we didn't have to do all that organising stuff. You say you are infertile, then say that it all points to being your husband who is, but you don't believe that.

You are right though, your female body does have one job to do. To have a good life, lived well. Like a male body does. So we make babies as well. Sometimes. Some of us. Some of us make one. Some of us don't make any. Only we decide to have it ruin our lives though.

I can't help feeling that if you had 3 children you'd still be the same glass-empty person. There'd be other issues.

I do agree with pps. I think you perhaps need to post in relationships as well. Because there's something not right there either.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/03/2015 10:11

The post above showing the age gap now is right, they probably won't play together much if you have a newborn now. I'm due in June with our 2nd and DD will be 6yo in August. She's a girl who likes dolls, so I think a baby will be a bit of a novelty but I'm not kidding myself that they're going to be best friends and play together as children. DD will need her own room within 5 years as she'll be 10/11 and DS will be 5. They will have nothing in common really and will pretty much be only children growing up, although obviously the age gap will seem less as they become adults.

The only other possible solution for you if IVF isn't working, is adoption. I'm not sure however that you need to wait two years post IVF before starting the process. I'm sure there are substantially more knowledgeable MNers on the relevant boards.

Good luck though, I can't imagine what it's like to experience infertility (our gap is through financial/housing reasons, but a 'choice' to some extent although not the gap we'd originally planned for). You clearly want the best for your DS.

DecaffTastesWeird · 07/03/2015 10:11

I feel awful for you OP - not because you can't conceive but because your view of the world is so sad!

To say your friends and family would be happy you are unhappy and that your body's only job is to reproduce is truly depressing.

You have cited problems with DH (and by the sound of things the rest of your family and friends) and how concerned you are about DS, but honestly, I think the main problem is your state of mind. Such a cliche, but I firmly believe that if you can work on that (go to GP), everything else will begin to sort itself out.

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 10:12

I just want to say that it's not always the blessing you hope it will be to have a second child.

Ds1 was nearly 5 when Ds2 was born. He was much tried for etc. and Ds1 was soo excited. But sometimes I feel guilty for inflicting DS2 on DS1 - although he clearly loves him to bits, DS2 is a little bullying thug and beats up Ds1 on a fairly regular basis. Ds1 being a soft, loving child, takes it all and doesn't fight back - but gets hurt of course. I have not quite apologised to DS1 for inflicting Ds2 on him - but I do in my head sometimes Blush

I'm not going to say "it will happen" because it might not. BUt that might not be that bad a thing either.

CMP69 · 07/03/2015 10:15

Bit late to the thread but ds is an only. We tried for a while and decided not to have any intervention. He is 6 and perfectly happy. He does on occasion mention he hasn't got a sibling and other people do but frequently tells me he is glad he doesn't as all they do is argue and fight Grin
There are several other onlies in his year at school or those who have much older sibs who may as well be. Have a brilliant life with the child you do have don't long for the one you don't

Sallystyle · 07/03/2015 11:02

It doesn't matter how many people come on and tell the op that have one child is great or how people have siblings and don't like them etc.

The OP is not listening. She isn't going to read this and change her mind. She needs professional help.

Skinheadmermaid · 07/03/2015 11:14

My mother had a second sibling at 7 and I hated it. My life was ruined.
I still wish I was an only child. I have a disfiguring scar thanks to her and she has given the family loads of stress with police and running away and drugs. My mother spoilt her beyond belief and completely ignored me, mostly she dumped me with my grandparents.

I think being an only child is way better. Think of all the money you'll save. You can send your DS to the best possible school and university and he'll get ahead in life. And he will get all of your attention and might actually grow up a happy, well adjusted child. We were dirt poor growing up and my dm gave my dsis everything and ignored me.
Can you tell i'm bitter?

neepsandtatties · 07/03/2015 11:34

By 'bear the brunt of it' I just meant it's me who takes ds to school and sees the other children playing with their siblings, me who has to try and occupy ds and arrange play dates, me who worries about whether he's happy. I didn't mean 'bear the brunt' of ds.

I knew that was what you meant by "bear the brunt" - I wasn't implying that you saw your DS as a problem. But look at all those "brunts" you are bearing, they are all things that wouldn't be a total non-issue for someone without the obsession and anxieties you have.

Get help.

neepsandtatties · 07/03/2015 11:36

would be a total non-issue

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/03/2015 11:52

By 'bear the brunt of it' I just meant it's me who takes ds to school and sees the other children playing with their siblings, me who has to try and occupy ds and arrange play dates, me who worries about whether he's happy. I didn't mean 'bear the brunt' of ds.

But if you weren't entrenched in your current view of the world, none of these would be issues at all! There wouldn't be anything to bear the brunt of - it's just life - my life actually, a lovely life with a wonderful DS that I adore and who is happy and currently playing soldiers downstairs with his best mate.

I agree with Ehric actually, this isn't helping you. You're getting affirmation from the 'poor you' posters and some sort of masochistic pleasure from ignoring the ones who are trying to be constructive.

Also: having one child is the state between being childless and having children? Fuck. Right. Off. With. That. Offensive. Nonsense.

squizita · 07/03/2015 11:55

Agree with PP. Having one child is nothing like being childless.

Go down the infertility or miscarriage ward and say that, see the reaction.

Blessed though I am with my 1, she's also more expensive, loud, wakeful, poopy etc than could suggest she's not a full family! Grin

OddFodd · 07/03/2015 11:58

I give it three months until the next thread by the OP. Which will be exactly the same as the last one. And the one before that. And the one before that ...

Original poster
Notmymuse · 07/03/2015 12:05

I did say I didn't agree with the statement about it being between being childless and having children. It's a comment another poster made on the one child family board. I do think it's how a lot of people perceive one chilf families though. I've been told we're just a couple with a child rather than a family.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 07/03/2015 12:13

people spout loads of nonsense. Why are you hanging on their every word?

popcornpaws · 07/03/2015 12:26

I've sat on my hands with this one, as i am so annoyed at the attitude of having one child is a bad thing.
I'm not going to wax lyrical about our DD being an only child because that isn't going to make any difference to your outrageous and frankly insulting attitude.
Just get on with it and enjoy what you have!

Thumbwitch · 07/03/2015 12:31

I really wouldn't worry about idiots who say things like you've mentioned in your last post!

Of course a couple with a child = a family! Only complete tossers would think otherwise, and there's really NO point in taking any notice of complete tossers' opinions.
Angry

OddFodd · 07/03/2015 12:31

All you're listening to is the negative shit though. I've never heard anyone say anything like that. So either I'm not listening or I just tune it out as irrelevant. Or, most likely, I don't go searching for it.

There are about 100 posts on this thread disputing your POV. And yet you've ignored every.single.one. And just quoted negative things you've read/heard/sought out.

Why are you so determined to punish your son like this? It's horrible

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/03/2015 12:56

Totally agree - the stuff you 'hear' - and hear well enough to quote on a separate thread - is the stuff you agree with because it backs up your world view.

This is not healthy. Every piece of that you let in, is something you'll later have to break down. Repeating it on this board doesn't show us what you're up against, it shows us what you choose to believe.

BTW people with no children also = family, just for the avoidance of doubt.

Tinklypink · 07/03/2015 13:13

Ok so I have one - he's 10 and he has ASD....

Heard ALL you've heard and more....

So WHAT!

I had an ed psych say 'Oh dear he has no siblings - he is on the back foot already socially'

My response was if he did have a sibling we would probably be here discussing TWO children given how poor his play and emotional literacy is and it's not like he grew up in a cave - he went to nursery, toddler groups, saw friends, etc... There are negatives to a sibling that can not be assessed if you don't have one so best if we don't go there....

I got Shock face....

Then she said 'He went to nursery? Ok....'

face palm

You don't know it would be better and you need to have more confidence in what you are doing. You can't create perfection - I would KILL for 'grandparent' day and so would my son - I think you need to be more grateful for what you have

DrSethHazlittMD · 07/03/2015 13:21

I think the time has come for us to actually stop posting on the thread because it's not helping. It's not helped on the OP's previous threads, either, because she refuses to listen or engage with the vast majority who have tried their best. The more we continue to respond to her continued postings it merely fans the flame of her position rather than her seeking the help she needs to get (and can get, but chooses not to).

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/03/2015 13:23

^ that

scandip · 07/03/2015 13:35

I have only one child and I often feel guilty for not having another. I don't want another but I have felt at times my little one could be missing out.
This thread has made me wake up and realise how lucky I am to have my daughter and has made me see she won't necessarily be missing out. Thanks everyone.