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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend the cat did it and now I've had to put socks on her?

201 replies

PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 14:28

So,I stupidly left a very large family jar of beetroot juice on the kitchen counter and went away for two days. I returned to shattered jar and dried beetroot juice in the light grey grout of my kitchen floor - cue bloody cat references from DP as nothing is getting the stain out. Sooooo I decided to pour pure bleach into the grout, not just a couple of lines to test the result/effect... The entire floor!! Now DP is on his way home, I've gone bleach blind due to the fumes, the kitchen is soaked in bleach that WONT lift and I've used the steamer on it which has made it worse x 100! The cat is now wearing my socks tied on with my hair bobbles and really not happy, but I can't get it off the floor and I'm worried she will get hurt by the bleach, DP will have final proof that I'm a complete nugget so WIBU to blame the cat for spilling bleach? Hmm

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Cocolepew · 04/03/2015 17:29

You are a gem Grin
Poor cat has probably left home using the remining sock to carry her belongs in Sad

Cocolepew · 04/03/2015 17:29

You are a gem Grin
Poor cat has probably left home using the remining sock to carry her belongs in Sad

Cocolepew · 04/03/2015 17:30

You whated her lamp? ! Shock

Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 17:31

Ha ha! Yay! I'd love to be your friend and your crush!!

My lychee martini one was WAY worse than the tea tree oil one, my problem is I have straight pubic hair! No kink, nothing. So I take it all off as no one likes to see Tina turner hiding in their pants and if left to grow at all it looks like her head! Every time I whip them down I expect my vagina to burst into simply the best, or more aptly nut bush city limits!!

OP posts:
MagelanicClouds · 04/03/2015 17:35

Now I've managed to stop laughing...

Thanks op, I needed cheering up!
I headbutted DS2's carseat really hard today, have managed to cut my eyelid and give myself a black eye. You're not alone in your mishaps!

Your cat is probably out plotting with the feline Mafia to all come over one day and take a collective dump in your bath....

LMGTFY · 04/03/2015 17:37

I'm now trying to stop shaking while listening to ds reading beauty and the beast, quite apt really!

Did you end up with kittens?

JugglingLife · 04/03/2015 17:37

Hi Rav! How's that gorgeous little one of yours, Paula, seriously, can you entertain me every day around 5. wine o'clock and kids tea time? On a more serious note, how do you get it all off, I always fail spectacularly and then DH has to help lucky bastard. Is there a knack?

RavioliOnToast · 04/03/2015 17:46

Didn't proof read before posting

RavioliOnToast · 04/03/2015 17:49

And posted too quick that time Hmm

I FIND your lamp lovely op!

Aloha juggling! I have a grumpy baby... She isn't a happy chappy at all. Problems with colic and poorly tummy and now she's full of cold. Poor madam. Fingers crossed it gets easier from here, but for now there's Wine

Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 17:50

I don't know if there is a knack as such but I used to be a gymnast and am hyper mobile and can get into the awkward nooks and crannies ha ha!

I'll give you a few dont's

  1. Don't go on holiday to Toronto with ExH and stay with his posh pals in a condo with a rarely used communal pool/gym/sauna scenario one floor up .
  1. Don't agree to go for a swim with ExH and say I'll slap that nair stuff on my vag in the changing rooms as posh pals might wonder why I'm showering in their house prior to going to the changing rooms upstairs.
  1. Don't slap on the nair whilst naked and lie on your towel on the changing room benches.
  1. Don't jump up and throw towel around yourself and sit nonchalantly with legs crossed (no I was not defuzzing in a public place) as an older lady comes in and makes small talk.
  1. Use a Canadian accent when chatting and not your own or you will get "your Fram Scaatland?" And then spend the next 20 minutes holding back tears as you feel the stuff burning into your skin and dripping down your legs, mixed with blood!
  1. Don't make excuses and go to a toilet cubicle and try and take it off with loo roll, couldn't figure out what was flesh and what was loo roll.
  1. Don't tell ExH who will laugh uncontrollably at your tears and still laughs when you have to show the pharmacist is the supermarket under the condo.
  1. DO tell the posh pals what has happened and why you are sitting with your legs wide apart in martini bar throwing back lychee martinis to dull the pain and getting incredibly pissed as they will think for the next two days until you explain why you are still walking like a cowboy, that you are stupid drunken (scrum) hoe whose comment of you really are king to have to peel these jeans off of me, was not sexual at all!!
OP posts:
JugglingLife · 04/03/2015 17:57

Rav, getting my head around grumpy babies and Paula's snatch is wrong on so many levels, I am glad you have Wine, she won't stay grumpy hopefully, Paula, was that a recommendation for nair or not? I can't figure it out. And why did you pretend to be Canadian? And what did the chemist say?

Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 18:03

Get nair by all means but don't leave it on until it melts your skin.

I SHOULD have pretended I was Canadian as when she found out I was Scottish she went on to tell me how her great uncles brother sister wife's pal was from scaaatland and did I know them?

Chemist told me to see a doc and put aloe Vera on it in copious amounts and I got some pretty good pain killers too Grin

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TheDailyWail · 04/03/2015 18:20

Love this!

auroraboringalis · 04/03/2015 18:22

Is your cat back yet, OP?
And what happened to the kittens from the tryst?
I find cats way more interesting than nair

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2015 18:28

here missus your cats getting rogered on my front door step

howling ...

toldmywrath · 04/03/2015 18:59

Paula you are a legend!

Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 18:59

Yeah we had 8 beautiful kittens and I attempted to sell them but ended up giving them away.... Woman brings small child who has saved up the 30 quid I was asking (cost more to have them all inoculated!) and I melted and couldn't take the money, gave two to the mum of the rapist as apparently that's the done thing to do when your cat is raped and then the tom mysteriously disappears, gave one to the alcoholic prostitute bitch who lives two doors down and I'm still waiting on my 30 quid from her (3 years later!) but I suspect that money is long gone on lambrini and plenty of fish/prostitution stylee websites. And the others went to some lovely neighbours family

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 19:01

Ps I'm at DS rugby so no idea if jasmine has returned ... With or without sock. I suspect she will remain out to teach me a lesson

OP posts:
passthewineplz · 04/03/2015 19:03

Haha! I agree you're as mad as a box of frogs! But seriously need your own thread.

So what happened after the cat got roggered - did you become a grandmother? Grin

ClaimedByMe · 04/03/2015 19:08

I tend to agree with your mother "how do you survive on a daily basis you are 40 this year FFS!"

Your kitty wearing socks is so cute though!

Tobyjugg · 04/03/2015 19:13

Next time, just pour on more beetroot juice and tell everyone that crimson grout is a new design feature.

Jcriyadh · 04/03/2015 19:17

Need to catch up on all of this thread but really looking forward to the cat's version of this story on the "AIBU - servants could show more gratitude" thread!

Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 19:22

Well she's home! Text from DP "jasmine has come home with a bobble round her leg" (no sock phew!) I've replied, well that's odd!!

I don't think he will think much of it as she's always stealing stuff from people's houses, New Year's Day she kept coming in with uncooked sausages wrapped in bacon, thought it was strange until nice next door neighbour came through with a plate and her last 6 sausages saying "she's licked most of them and stolen the rest, you may as well have them!" Last summer our neighbour over the back put half a cooked chicken on his plate and turned round to see her diving out the window dragging his chicken. Worst thing is she doesn't even eat them, she just pushes them around (immaculately bleached) floor then goes and eats her biscuits. She is the ultimate cat burglar. She went through a stage of going through cat flaps and stealing socks, we woke up one morning to ELEVEN odd socks downstairs! This was just after the kittens all left so I think that had something to do with it, but you know it's bad when people's children come to the door to say "I've lost a sock/slipper mum has asked if you can check your house"! Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
PaulaJane37 · 04/03/2015 19:25

ALSO, I'm beginning to think she's a bit of a slut.... That's the second time she's come home minus a price of clothing. Last time it was a complete dress! Her Xmas dress no less!!!

OP posts:
JugglingLife · 04/03/2015 19:27

She sounds like a poppet Paula, clever little witch. Did you breed her in the end tell me there's a story here.