To ask you to relive a cringey moment

[heatseeker14]

Need a laugh this morning, after my beloved cat brought in a live mouse, just after 6am leaving me to corner & capture the damn thing.

I can offer the following two:

Wearing what I thought was a rather nice looking, tight fitting, polo neck top. Only to discover later on at a kids party, I had HUGE sweat patches. The more embarrassed I got, the larger they became!!!

On returning to my car, having collected an order delivered to a well known store, I discovered I had a massive, highly visible bogey . I had spent a long time chatting to staff having collected my order, tried the stuff on and then returned a couple of items - Cringe.

Can anyone else trump these?!

In the office the other day. General conversation about cats, can't remember exactly what.

My manager has a photo of a (clearly pet) cat on her notice board.

I ask her if her cat does something particular.

Manager says no - because her cat is dead

I stumble some awful apology about seeing the picture etc. Tumbleweeds blow around the office for the next half an hour.

Some of these are awwwful haha!
Mine- I once worked in a 5 star hotel in manchester and was totally star struck by a famous black American guest. He was standing in the lobby and grabbed me quickly to ask me to bring him a snack.
I said 'what like fried chicken or something? '.
He looked at me for about a life time and said 'no a cheese sandwich is fine'

For the LIFE of me I dont know why I said that. I felt like I had been racist but I just went absolutely blank and couldn't think of one thing on our menu :(

i still to this day dont know what my brain was thinking..

But i walked into the hairdressers, one of those that you dont need a appointment for, it was busy with lots of people waiting.
One of the hairdressers shouted over to me what i was wanting, and i shouted back..

I dont suppose you have time to give my minge a quick trim do you???

Everything went silent, i got a fit of the giggles and had to explain that it was fringe i needed trimming.

Crying at the minge trim!!!

This wasn't cringy for me, but for the girl I was with. We got the same train home most nights and would nod and smile to each other but had never spoken. One night the train was cancelled so she said 'Shall we share a lift home?'. We knew that we both lived at the same stop. I said, 'Sure' and we walked up the stairs. When we got to the top I stood waiting and she pointed to the taxi rank and said, 'Aren't you getting a taxi?'. I said no, I'd already called my DH and he was coming to pick us up. She wailed...a proper out loud wail, 'But now you think I was just expecting you to take me home as well!'. I thought it was hilarious. She was mortified. We took her to her door with her apologising and us laughing and telling her to stop the whole way. She kept saying, 'Just drop me at the station. DROP ME AT THE STATION! I'll walk.' We spoke every day after that and discovered we worked two streets away from each other and went out for lunch. She was still apologising months later.

Another time I went into a shop and asked for a packet of Golden Vagina. I'm sure that's quite common!

I did RE at uni and there were a lot of nuns on our course. One day as we were all leaving the lecture theatre, I managed to trip a nun down a few steps. I helped her up but blurted out "oh Jesus Christ" as I did it. I was so mortified that I kind of scuttled off without really apologising. I still burn with shame thinking of it 20 years later.

These are brilliant

Went swimming with fit boy from next door, borrowed stole my mums brand new white bikini, Unknown to me when it got wet it was entirely see through, fit boy in utter shock , i had big pert boobs then, but no-one thought to tell me until after we got out and the bottoms were also see through cue hairy beaver
or
the time i again borrowed stole my mums fake tan , cue beautiful dark tanned legs, but i was aware that if i had a bath it would all wash off , so i just flannelled the beaver, however i did not notice the water had run down my legs leaving tram lines of white all down my legs when will i learn .

When I was about 13 I went on a school trip to Drayton Manor Park, it was a very hot day and and I was wearing jelly shoes (it was 1995). This caused my feet to become really sweaty and as I descended the steps from the Ferris wheel my foot slipped inside my shoe and I went sprawling. I literally rolled down the stairs and landed in a heap in front of the very long queue. A woman came rushing over and asked if I was alright, I was so embarrassed i just said "yes" and rushed off. If you are that woman then I apologise profusely for my rudeness.

I also fell down some steps in a packed pub beer garden, and I wasn't even pissed. The pub was next to a river with a bridge and I was admiring the bridge and didn't see the steps.

Thurlow "I ask her if her cat does something particular."

What an odd question.

I was 18 and visiting a friend who was training to be a nurse. I had a room in the nursing home.
It was summer and we spent the afternoon lazing on the river bank, sharing a bottle or two of wine we chilled in the river. Eventually we staggered back to her residence. I went to my room, stripped off starkers and crashed out.
After an hour or so, I woke up needing the loo. Drunk and half asleep, I left the room to find the loo, the door shutting behind me.
When I got back, I was locked out and stark naked in this huge nurses home. I started sobering up, wrestling with the door, as if that would get me in. A small crowd of nurses gathered, assuming someone else was in the room. They were hammering and yelling trying to get the non existent person to open the door. Meanwhile I was still completely naked. It didn't seem to occur to any of them or me to cover me up.
Eventually one student nurse arrived with the caretaker and his skeleton key. As soon as he was pointed out, I walked down the loooong corridor towards him, tossing back my waist length hair, which I could have covered myself up with.
The caretaker stood stock still with eyes like organ stops as I sashayed gracefully up to him, explaining that I'd locked myself out, completely oblivious of my nakedness. I was a perfect size 8, in good shape. (Aaahhh, those were the long ago days.) I then strolled back up the corridor, beside the caretaker, chatting happily to him.

I was the talk of the nursing residence for the rest of the stay, canteens fell silent, eyes followed me wherever I went. It was the 70s and definitely more prudish. My friend was mortified when she was told. By lots of different people.

Also crying with laughter at minge trim!!

Christ, just now at childcare setting..

Me (in low, conspirational tone, needing to have a diplomatic word about Joanne, one of the 'shouty' staff who my daughter is afraid of): Could I have a quick word about Joanne please?

Childcare staff member: I'm Joanne.

Me: Oh! Er! Bluster, bluster, nervous high pitched laugh etc.....

I'm going to have to brazen it out and pretend it never happened.

This might out me but:

1980s. Ex met me outside work with his mates saying we were going to LaserQuest. No arguments to be brooked. I was wearing a white mahoosive shoulder padded blouse, pencil skirt & 4 inch heels.

Tottering round LaserQuest, lit up like Blackpool illuminations (UV lights off my white blouse) I slipped on a ramp, fell on my arse & skidded right to the bottom. My skirt rucked up round my waist, showing off my stockings, suspenders & knickers to everyone (ex liked sexy underwear, I was too meek to say no).

Just as I thought it couldn't get any worse the bloke in charge told me is fallen at the point where the CCTV cameras broadcast shots of the game to the street outside.

THAT is mortification.

Oh my goodness, Malibu. Both of yours are hilarious! I also want to know if you got the job. Weirdly pleased for you that at least you got to eat a good dinner though :)

I once had a job interview at the local sports centre as a trainee lifeguard. The interview took place in the pool. We were asked to swim ten lengths as quickly as we could.

Me, being a terrible swimmer (not sure why I went for the interview but anyway) nearly died trying to do the ten lengths. Everyone else had finished theirs, they had to tell me to get out of the pool, we've seen enough.

If that wasn't humiliating enough I managed to throw up all over the side of the pool because I was so out of breath/worked up. I'd had bran flakes for breakfast and the result wasn't pretty.

To add insult to injury, the super hot lifeguard who I fancied (and I suspect fancied me, until then) happened to be on duty and watched the entire thing.

I got a job at B&Q instead, no swimming involved!

Not me but someone at the school gates.

My daughters face is paralysed, she has möbius syndrome and we were talking about how it effects her and one thing is she can't close her eyes when sleeping, the mum then said "errr that would really freak me out". She the apologised to me as she said it quite mockingly.

I'm guessing she wanted to ground to open up but thankfully I didn't take offence.

A women stopped me on the high street in York. My skirt was tucked into my tights and under pants.

My knickers had
'C U l8ter'
Written on the bum

My neighbour is an utter utter cunt who tried to sleep with my ex among other things. you know when you hate someone and you always try and look your best/like you have your shit together in front of them... Well I fell over on the stairs right in front of her. Just tripped right over my own fucking feet like a right Doofus.

She was all fake concern and smarmy niceness. Grr.

Years ago, there was this guy who I really, really liked. I invited him round for dinner. I wanted him to believe that I ate like I bird as I thought that was more feminine, so I gave him a much bigger helping of dinner than myself. We sat down to eat and I noticed him looking at my dinner. At which point I realised I'd given myself the great big dinner and him a little one. I really should have explained. I didn't say anything. I never saw him again...

This is brilliant !

This is going to Completely out me, but in my 20's I once staggered back to our hotel in Germany from an outrageous late night of drinking, with a group of musicians as we were in a summer residence playing opera in a German town. It was very late and on the way back we passed a park, with an enormous zip wire in. Delighted I ran towards it, and jumped on...it was a really big one, and as I shot past my friends, I decided to flash my tits for a brief moment on the way past. We all laughed a lot, and went home.

I thought nothing more of it, until I went a few days later with a friend to pick up her photos she'd had developed. We did wonder why all the staff were sniggering...and soon found out...she couldn't have clicked the camera at a better moment, as we opened the envelope with the pictures in.... The first picture on the top....a full, close up, full body length shot of me, enormous breasts grinning manically, on a zip wire....

Sat in maths at high school the teacher hated sudden loud noises and would shout if you happened to unexpectedly sneeze or cough. He once gave someone a detention for dropping a box of rulers on the floor. Anyway I felt a sneeze coming and tried to stifle it by pinching my nose and inadvertently let rip the biggest, loudest fart you ever heard. It was so forceful that it stung my bum cheeks as they vibrated rapidly against the shiny plastic chair. My viscose skirt might as well have been off absent.
I was given two detentions. One for the noise and one for the smell. Weirdly my bullies left me alone pretty much afterwards. Maybe they thought I brazenly let it out on purpose and covered my red cheeks (both sets) pretty well.

These are too funny!
Balloon animals

1: aged 19, giving my then bf, now dh, a blowjob, my jaw locked and dislocated. I had to go to A&E. We had to make up some crap story to his mum who took me to A&E. The medical staff didn't believe my crap story though.

2: for his birthday, I was a very poor student, I decided to do a "sexy" strip tease...except I fell over whilst taking a stocking off and put my arm through the wall. His parents came running, wondering what the hell had happened. Their son was naked, I was in a basque, thong and one stocking and there was a big hole in the wall.

3: working on a checkout on a busy Saturday. I had stock phrases, "would you like a hand with your shopping?" Was a favourite. Unfortunately I said it without looking up then heard sniggering. The man had a hook instead of a right hand. He replied, "my god they really do sell everything here!"