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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think servants could show more gratitude

128 replies

QueenOfTheAlley · 02/03/2015 14:19

I went to a lot of trouble catching a mouse for them and took it home still alive so that they could play with it before eating it.

Servant1 picked me up to put me outside so I dropped the mouse at Servant2's feet. It ran behind the cooker and she chased me out of the house yelling.

If that's all the thanks I get I don't know why I bother!

OP posts:

JaWellNoFine · 03/03/2015 09:49

You are doing it wrong. Tut tut. I find my servants appreciate it most when you hide the gift under the bed or behind things. They love the delight of finding the maggot riddden corpse 3 or 4 days later.

Crocodopolis · 03/03/2015 10:33

Little cat here. (It's my big brother who has been posting.)

I like to keep my staff on their toes by visiting their neighbours. For example - the people next door? Very nice. I visited them, beat up their cat, ate his food and then peed on the male human's court papers. (He is a barrister.)

Did they appreciate my livening up their drab boring existence with my visit?

No, they did not. Ungrateful buggers.

Crocodopolis · 03/03/2015 10:35

Oh. And then there was the time I visited other neighbours (gotta keep an eye on my kingdom and visit the peasants) and I so scared the human's cats they wet themselves on the spot.

Amateurs.

Splodgeses · 03/03/2015 11:16

You don't need to tell me about the way servants are useless these days. Mine have become increasingly inept!

As a warning to you all, if your female servant starts swelling in the middle (probably from eating all the treats they should give us) then goes away for a day or so and returns with a servant kitten, you definitely need to consider finding new servants immediately!

The servant kitten succeeds where we fail. If it shrills, they tend it. If it purs, they tend it. I have even seen the servants laughing and cooing when the kitten servant swats at their faces!

It must have superior skill in making servants obedient, but every single time I attempt to make conversation with it, the big servants pick me up and remove me!

We need to find a way to collaborate with these kitten servants, our lives will be made so much easier.

Also note, that the servant kittens have a tendency to cough up milky hairballs and produce extremely awful smells.

Oldsu · 03/03/2015 12:07

Me, my Sister/Wife and teenage son, thought our servants needed to socialise more, so we decided to introduce them to the cat across the roads servants, this we did by jumping on the big metal thing with the soft roof that they keep outside their house, (which is technically in our territory anyway.

Wasn't me or the wife/sisters fault that our son decided to claw the soft roof thing, (boys will be boys), at least both sets of servants are talking (well shouting) to each other now

geekymommy · 03/03/2015 13:14

A strange human has invaded my house. I pooped on the rug in the bathroom that the strange human has been using, to make sure she knows this is MY territory. My servants are not happy, for some reason. Are they going to let strange humans come in and steal our territory? Not on my watch, they aren't.

Tanith · 03/03/2015 14:29

I had it all worked out.

In order that my servants were not overtaxed in their care of me, I thoughtfully found some additional elderly servants locally. They were delighted to see me each day and I carefully divided my time between the kind lady in no. 52 (I shall refer to her as Chicken Livers), the affectionate lady at no. 48 (Salmon), and Prawns at no. 60.

It was going so well. And then that interfering, granite-hearted vet said I was putting on weight! And my servants tied a note on my collar.

And now my Chicken Livers and Salmon and Prawns have stopped their treats!

Any ideas on how I can lose this wretched collar? It's insufferable that I should be denied the food to which I have become accustomed!

geekymommy · 03/03/2015 14:45

If you find out how to make the servants give you the food you NEED and DESERVE, tell me! My servants say I am fat, even though I CLEARLY tell them that I am starving.

Sometimes the servants have the little human or the computer on their laps, and they don't move it, even when I tell them that I want to be in their lap. I purr, and those other things do not- clearly, having me in your lap is better than having the computer or the little human.

Come to think of it, I think my humans might be a little bit dumb. They don't feed me or let me into their laps when I tell them to. I have to repeat my commands several times until they catch on. Any tips for training dumb humans?

babygiraffe86 · 03/03/2015 14:46

Oh I do believe I must be onto a good one here,

last night they thought they could have chicken for dinner without including me - I showed them, while it was in the frying pan with some red and green crunchy things I made my way over and helped myself to the 3 biggest pieces. dang they were hot though. so i took them and hid them for later :)

I heard them talking later about how if they're going to make chicken they're going to make sure they cook off some bits for me first as i always steal some - WIN!

The little fluffy one they got to keep me company hasn't noticed this yet and instead brings them butterflies as payment for food. I'm hoping they don't try and give her chicken too otherwise my portions will drop. They thought i was lonely but this little one is such a nuisance, i just hit her and sleep elsewhere.

Tanith · 03/03/2015 14:57

I have learned never to help myself to food left waiting.

The servants brought home some delicious smelling boxes and divided it all onto plates without including my bowl

Well, naturally I sought to rectify this disgraceful omission and helped myself.

Truly, fellow Felines, I now know what it is to eat fire

oldgrandmama · 03/03/2015 15:01

I do the 'death trap on the stairs' thing too, OP. My slave has one metal hip, one almost disintegrated hip, two crumbling knees ... and it's oh such fun, trying to get her to tumble arse over tit down the stairs, where I lurk .... I'm a tortie and sort of blend in beautifully with the stair carpet.

I bring in wildlife, mainly mice, torture them a bit then let them go, when they hide behind the hot water cylinder in the kitchen cupboard and die of shock/starvation ... and stink and stink and stink ... and NO-ONE CAN REACH THEM, not even slave's central heating engineer. When, after a couple of months have passed, and the mouse is just a skeleton, I retrieve it and leave it in the middle of the kitchen floor. Just to make a point, you understand.

My slave still loves me to bits. As she should. I am a cat, it is my due.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 03/03/2015 16:59

I tried to trip my male servant's DM up on the stairs last time she visited.

The female servant laughed and gave me some extra tuna that evening.

MagelanicClouds · 03/03/2015 17:47

I'm hungry NOW. I want feeding NOW. Have tried the hard stare and the constant meow. The smaller more fragrant smelling one is ignoring me.
Hate her.
Argh, the tiny one is trying to eat my tail!
Ha ha, I just rolled over for what she thought was a belly rub and then I tried to disembowel her hand to teach her a lesson.
She still hasn't fed me.
I'll go eat some grass then barf on the kitchen floor, that'll teach her!
I give up with my slaves, I really do. I had them pretty well trained till the smaller ones appeared and now it's all gone to pot.
Damn it, I guess I'll have to wait till the big smelly one comes home. He's bound to be in a foul mood but he usually gives in.
Going to go and skulk about now.

babygiraffe86 · 03/03/2015 17:53

Has anyone ever caught the elusive red dot yet?? I chase and chase but can't ever seem to catch it :(

albertcamus · 03/03/2015 18:09

My servants thought it was ok to leave me in a prison away from my territory at Christmas. I made sure that I scent-marked by weeing in one of their packed suitcases so that they were reminded of me while they were away :)

Last week I was evicted from my own home for the day because one of the female servant's visitors was severely allergic to my fine winter coat & had a coughing / choking fit. I tried inviting her to smell my bottom, like you do, as a friendly gesture, but this was rudely refused :(

I pick my battles

Salmotrutta · 03/03/2015 18:53

My brother and I like to creep out our servants.

We sneak round the door when they are sleeping in that big soft thing and just stare at them freakily. Then they wake up and jump out of their skins.

We like to stand on our hind legs and swipe their hands with our outstretched claws when they are holding those pronged things with delicious edible treats stuck on them.

They don't seem to like that... Which is why we do it.

Laska42 · 03/03/2015 19:04

We had the horrid little Ginger thing they dote on so much come and stay again last weekend.. I'm good natured but if it trys to pull my tail again, or keeps on run around after me yellin 'At!' at the top of his voice when im trying to get to my bowl.. it will soon know about 'Paws n' Claws'.. .....

Also, I think the she-servant needs to think hard about getting her priorities right (and to see the optician) . I came in earlier and sat behind her waiting for my dinner as she was putting the bubbles over the plates (why do they do that?).

Obviously I was expecting her to stop and attend to my needs right away (not unreasonable, huh?). I didnt meow or anything because thats just pandering to their game.. I just expected that My Presence would be enough to alert her to her duty.

And do you know what? she only stepped back and trod on my paw!!! (and pretended it was My fault for not telling her i was there!!).. .

So now im out on the kitchen windowsill and still dinnerless..

Oh yes.. There will be Grevious Revenge taken later .. I'm still mulling over what exactly...

ARoomWithoutAView · 03/03/2015 19:15

I climb up the Christmas Tree, chew the bitter tasting needles, paw at the colourful lights and push them off, send some of those glass balls crashing down and make the tree lean 15 degrees.

That is before I do one of the biggest, runniest, smelly dumps on a fork in the branches so that bits of it slip down and hit some golden chocolate circles that the mini-servants get all over their tiny little fingers.

albertcamus · 03/03/2015 19:35

ARoom I used to do that with the Christmas tree too ... and broke into my cat stocking which they'd wrapped. Scoffed the lot & ripped my catnip toys up. That's why I got solitary last year when they went away. Be warned.

PowderMum · 03/03/2015 19:39

Thank you so much for making me smile I've had a horrible day.

I'm off now as the siren has gone off indicating the bowl is empty......and I definitely know my place in this house

susiedaisy · 03/03/2015 19:54

I have yet to catch the elusive red dot. This seems to amuse my servants greatly especially when the red dot hovers on the foot of the smaller servant and I pounce.

MagelanicClouds · 03/03/2015 19:58

The female servant did feed me in the end. She put down some of those biscuits I really like but don't want her to know I like. I ignored them.
She huffed and then put down some meat too.
She needs putting in her place, that one. To show my low opinion I walked off as soon as the food was down and she huffed again. Her attitude is terrible.
The big smelly one is home now and to show my favour I am gracing him with my presence on his lap. Just so he doesn't get to comfortable - slaves should never be comfortable - I am having a good walk around on him. I might want him to get up to pander to my will later so I don't want him accidentally falling asleep or anything. He sounds annoyed so I think it's time to lovingly massage him in the hope he might lactate.

It's rub my belly time.
That's it! Right there! Keep rubbing! Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh.... No, don't stop now you stupid person. No, the smallest one is NOT more important than me I don't care how loud a noise it's making!
It's been sick in it's cot?
Why doesn't it just eat it like I do? Useless thing. Why do the slaves insist on making small versions of themselves and then keeping them around for so long? If that was one of my kittens I'd have booted it out long ago.

Laska42 · 03/03/2015 20:12

I am still out.. hungry but out ..and I am Not going back until I decide to .. (Actually i can see ungrateful wretch of a she-servant she just came out in the garden and blew that stupid silly kissy-squeak noise she makes and called out the ridiculous name they insist on calling me...

She of course couldnt see me (because they cant see in the dark , you know).. So instead she bashed a metal thing on my plate (presumedly to tell me dinner was now served?? oh yeah , too late, mate )..

Wel,l Rowlocks to her (as they say) .. I am not coming back in until I decide.. . let her stew..

Laska42 · 03/03/2015 20:15

...actually next doors window is open , i think ill go and see what they have out ..

WellWhoKnew · 03/03/2015 20:24

I keep trying to train my servant in matters of personal hygiene. I don't understand why she only needs to wash once a day, and not after every meal or snack, even when she has guests she refuses to wash more frequently.

I have brought her literally hundreds of clean knickers in order for her to get the message, but the guests just laugh out of pity for her.

My sibling cat spends most of his time washing his balls in front of her so we're running out of ideas here.

What else can I do?

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