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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think ADHD bashing is plain ignorant?!

142 replies

Emily34austin · 28/02/2015 20:22

My DD has ADHD .She struggled through primary academically and slipped behind her peers .She struggled to concentrate , organise her self and her belongings and her concentration really held her back in terms of progress. She was never "naughty" well not never but not anymore than other children the same age. After two long years of observations and endless meeting's she was diagnosed with ADHD .

The first reaction I got from teacher was "Oh how unusual she is so polite". Since then it's been endless not always directly to me but comments like " ADHD another word for spoilt brat syndrome " "ASBO disorder" "Bad parenting". Then there have been the well meaning parents who tried to advise me it was caused my sugary foods and if I cut those out her symptom's would vanish.
Don't get me wrong now she is a teenager her behaviour has been an issue but isn't that the way with most teenagers (stompy,eye-roller,shouty etc!!) nothing to extreme .
DD won't tell anyone she has ADHD she has become ashamed due to ignorance and assumptions in the past .

Why do people not talk like this in regards to depression , anxiety etc.?! Why does ADHD have such a stigma ?!

OP posts:
FleurdeHeadLice · 28/02/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2015 20:40

YANBU. It seems to be code for bad parent or bad child. Very sad. IME the parents of children with ADHD seem to work harder for less praise.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 28/02/2015 20:43

YADNBU

some people are judgemental, ignorant cunts and have no fucking clue what they're talking about

Original poster
Emily34austin · 28/02/2015 20:50

Love your reply Jenny !! They really are ignorant cunts . One of DD's friends banned her from the house when she found out I challenged her and she said she didn't want her daughter being disrupted in this important year of schooling !! DD hadn't done any disrupting she's not even in her DD's lessons . I wanted to tell her what her daughter was up to but thought better of it snooty woman.

OP posts:
museumum · 28/02/2015 20:55

Is there an ADHD charity at all? I really think the condition could use some proper publicity.
The first I heard of it was in the US on summer camp when a delightful girl threw an enormous rock at another child and when I stopped her doing it again shouted at me "you can't stop me, my doctor said I can't help it, I've got adhd" Shock
Obviously I don't think all kids with adhd are like that but I must admit I don't know a whole lot about the challenges sufferers face.
People seem to understand ASD much better now, I hope ADHD will be the same soon.

Tizwailor · 28/02/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SisterMoonshine · 28/02/2015 21:00

I think we are all just starting to learn more about it now.
Calling people who don't understand about it 'ignorant cunts' won't help with the bad parenting assumption though.

AndThenISaid · 28/02/2015 21:04

So how do all these people know.You say your DD doesn't tell them. And if her behaviour is the same as other children as you say, then why would they saythese things? Confused

Original poster
Emily34austin · 28/02/2015 21:05

It isn't well publicised .When you do hear about it it's usually a very negative story . Yes some with ADHD are very disruptive but isn't this the case for all children . From my personal experience the disrupting starts through frustration at themselves when tings aren't explained and DD gets lost in translation.
DD gets very frustrated as the work increases through school therefore more to remember which DD struggles with .She forgets what she doing can't remember instructions she gets so frustrated with herself but the general reaction seems to be to get frustrated with her "weren't you listening I just said what we were doing get on with it".

OP posts:
Original poster
Emily34austin · 28/02/2015 21:11

DD did confide in this friend . I did say I didn't say anything negative to mum as I know how awful it is to hear negative things about your children hence my frustration . I agreed with another poster when I used my bad word!! In hindsight maybe I shouldn't have but swearing on a forum for adults doesn't class as bad parenting surely ......

OP posts:
ragged · 28/02/2015 21:19

I suppose it's because there are different types of ADHD. OP's doesn't sound like she has the hyper element, may even lacks the impulsive element. So just has the can't-concentrate bit. I wouldn't know there were so many types of ADHD if I hadn't researched a bit.

People with poor impulse control can seem quite impolite and immune to adult guidance, hence the stereotypes.

Original poster
Emily34austin · 28/02/2015 21:28

I thought the same but CAMHS observed and said she was very impulsive and hyperactive . I guess it's just more subtle she doesn't for instance charge around the classroom but she does lots of fidgeting nail biting etc and gets through a mass amount of school cardigans as she nibbles them to within an inch of their lives then fiddles with the threads!
I think although I am not sure from what I have observed girls with ADHD seem to be more inattentive and I was told many girls slip through the net due to being quiet but just not progressing as they aren't engaged in learning .

OP posts:
jellybeans · 28/02/2015 21:29

YANBU

However DS had a boy in his class who used to be violent/racist and then say 'I have ADHD so you can't do anything' but bad behaviour can go alongside any condition, doesn't mean all people with ADHD are badly behaved or use it s an excuse.

BertieBotts · 28/02/2015 21:36

The rock thing is awful, it's a shame that particular girl is having her ADHD so badly managed. I have suspected ADHD and all of the literature says that ADHD is not an excuse for poor behaviour/planning and you should not ever use it as an excuse but that you have to learn to work with it.

There are definitely different types of ADHD and it's unfortunate that the stereotype is of a loud, messy, annoying child who has zero boundaries, because in most cases it isn't anything like that at all!

And yep the cardigan thing sounds exactly like me as a child! I can still remember the smell and taste of one particular cardigan which I had because it was my favourite... Blush

BertieBotts · 28/02/2015 21:39

Same comment to the boy. And it's a shame, because if the staff involved were well informed, they could say to him "No, X, just because you have ADHD it does not mean you can hit people or say those things." If the impulse control is genuinely so poor that they can't prevent themselves from lashing out then they need help with that issue (it's true that simply punishing won't have the same effect as it would with a NT child). The help might include removal from a situation where violence could occur ie prevention.

ILovePud · 28/02/2015 21:50

To be fair I think plenty of people do still speak in very dismissive and sceptical terms about depression and anxiety and that many of those who live with mental health conditions still feel a sense of stigma. I think this happens with any condition for which their aren't clear physical markers. MN is a very different milieu than society at large.

BertieBotts · 28/02/2015 22:04

Totally agree Pud.

nequidnimis · 28/02/2015 22:12

Sometimes it is complete ignorance because people can't really be expected to understand or research a disorder that they have no personal experience of.

Sometimes they may have some knowledge, from newspaper articles for example, that has led them to the conclusion that ADHD does not exist.

And sometimes they may have witnessed poor parenting exacerbating the symptoms of ADHD and wrongly assumed that all cases are entirely due to lifestyle choices.

Either way, a child with ADHD can be disruptive in a classroom setting and so does not receive the same level of tolerance that a child with a visible disability might receive IME. Even when the child's behaviour is well managed, parents fear their own child becoming disrupted or influenced by a child with a condition associated with poor impulse control.

I guess that, to an untrained eye, it is difficult to differentiate between a 'naughty' child and a child with ADHD (or ODD etc), so maybe some sort of awareness campaign would be beneficial.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2015 22:14

I think the problem isn't with those who actually do have ADHD.
The problem comes from bad parents whose children are indeed badly behaved who self diagnose ADHD.

ghostyslovesheep · 28/02/2015 22:17

it's not just ignorant it's damaging and prejudice

I have a daughter with 'behavioural' issues - she doesn't have a bad mum she isn't a bad kid - she is under CAMHS and she does fall into the schools SEND radar - sometimes she can kick off in public and I know people must think she's an awful kid with a shit mum

she isn't - she's amazing and we are an awesome team x

Oakmaiden · 28/02/2015 22:19

Is is difficult though, when you see a child who may or may not have ADHD behaving hugely inappropriately, and their parents' enabling their behaviour by saying "S/he can't help it, s/he has ADHD.

Such as the child of around 10 I saw shoplifting....

Now, that particular child may well have had ADHD - but the reason for the shoplifting was as much poor parenting as ADHD.

Maryz · 28/02/2015 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pantone363 · 28/02/2015 22:27

I'll be 100% honest (at the risk of looking like an ignorant cunt)

I've only known two kids with ADHD. One was a violent, sweary, poorly behaved boy in DDs class (they had a drill for when he kicked off and DC had to sit under the tables with hands over their ears). The other is a girl in DS class who is violent, rude, walks in and out of the class as she chooses, talks to adults like dirt and bully's the other kids.

In both cases the parenting would turn your hair white.

But from being on MN I know not all kids with ADHD are like that. But if they were my only experience I can see that I would think it was just bad parenting

Pantone363 · 28/02/2015 22:31

Can I ask a question?

Things like being disorganised, lack of concentration, fiddling, daydreaming etc, when do they stop being personality traits and start being ADHD?

Tubbytimmy · 28/02/2015 22:31

I have lost count of the ridiculous comments I have heard about dd most used is.... Don't worry they grow out of it.