AIBU to think ADHD bashing is plain ignorant?!

[Emily34austin]

My DD has ADHD .She struggled through primary academically and slipped behind her peers .She struggled to concentrate , organise her self and her belongings and her concentration really held her back in terms of progress. She was never "naughty" well not never but not anymore than other children the same age. After two long years of observations and endless meeting's she was diagnosed with ADHD .

The first reaction I got from teacher was "Oh how unusual she is so polite". Since then it's been endless not always directly to me but comments like " ADHD another word for spoilt brat syndrome " "ASBO disorder" "Bad parenting". Then there have been the well meaning parents who tried to advise me it was caused my sugary foods and if I cut those out her symptom's would vanish.
Don't get me wrong now she is a teenager her behaviour has been an issue but isn't that the way with most teenagers (stompy,eye-roller,shouty etc!!) nothing to extreme .
DD won't tell anyone she has ADHD she has become ashamed due to ignorance and assumptions in the past .

Why do people not talk like this in regards to depression , anxiety etc.?! Why does ADHD have such a stigma ?!

Another quick thing, I don't think it helps that the phrase "he/she is a bit...." Is bandied around so much

You see it on MN all the time

She's a bit ADHD

He's a bit ASD

She's not diagnosed but has some aspie ways

It probably minimises people who really do have a diagnosis

a girl in DS class who is violent, rude, walks in and out of the class as she chooses, talks to adults like dirt

that is almost my DD - she doesn't bully.

If I tell you she is scared of fucking up, put so much pressure on herself to be perfect, hates herself, can't cope with getting anything wrong, is in the top 4% of kids in the uk IQ wise, in year 7 sitting GCSE papers, desperately wants to be liked and can't cope with emotions, other kids and feeling odd

does that help?

she has a red card she can use to leave the class at any time and can be very rude to adults - because she knows they wont hate her for it and it gets her anger out

If I tell you her tutor shook my hand on parents evening and thanked me for sending her to their school - that may help you see how ace she is

I love her - she finds other kids hard work

I agree . They made the other sit under desks ?!That's bloody awful!!
DD can be challenging don't get me wrong but as I said before puberty has triggered this plus I think secondary school for children with any additional needs is very difficult . DD has never (touches wood !!) been violent or sworn . She is in fact quite socially vulnerable and just wants to please her friends she has been bullied herself .
I just wish there was a better general understanding as I don't want DD to be ashamed of her condition but sadly I can understand her feeling this way due to previous reactions .

she often comes home and cries in her room btw because she's been rude to a teacher and she is cross with herself

Thats really sad ghostly :-( .DD is the same she beats herself up so much its really difficult when others do as well as its just confirming what she already thinks of herself.
She cries at how "stupid " she is its really upsetting.After reading her last school report she was inconsolable about her future . I think she slipped so far behind its hard to catch up !

ghosty I think that the thing you know what she is like the rest of te time, that she doesn't mean it and is using it as a way to cope.

A few mths ago I was behind that girl and her mum in the shop after school. She asked her mum for a magazine, mum said no, girl shouts "you're such a fucking dickhead", no reaction from mum at all other than ignoring her.

She may well have gone home and apologised. Her mum might know that ignoring her is the best technique to stop it escalating. But all anyone else in the shop saw was the kid "getting away with it". Most parents at the school know she has ADHD and would put the two together and say poor parenting. Incorrectly perhaps but it would seem the natural conclusion if you don't know anything about ADHD

Pantone-Good question i was in denial for a while and thought thats just her personality she's active!
However she made no academic progress in three years despite having 100% attendance .

Not brave enough to post this under my real username, but here goes. My son is 6. He was diagnosed as having ADHD last year, and is also very clearly on the autistic spectrum, but is on the seemingly endless waiting list for the official test to diagnose this. This is not an easy answer or excuse for bad behaviour or bad parenting. My life, my home, the lives of my other children are not chaotic. My son struggles day to day just to understand social expectations and as a result is becoming more and more isolated. Again, he's six. He's a six year old with no self worth, who tells me on an almost daily basis that he doesn't feel special, who wants to just play lego all day and can't understsnd why he has to do work when he has other, more important things to get on with. Things that make sense to him, and that help him deal with the world. He has a one to one TA and is frequently sat outside the classroom. He doesn't see the world as we do and has no understanding whatsoever of what's socially acceptable. Not because of my bad parenting or his bad behaviour. Because his brain is wired differently, it's as simple as that. The world is a minefield for him, and he's trying to negotiate his way through it with no real understanding of why he finds it so difficult when others breeze through. His struggles have left me exhausted for him.
Realising he wasn't just 'naughty' was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because now we're finally accessing help and I feel justified in the concerns ive had since he was about two that were always dismissed. And a curse because it's now very clear that this isn't a phase, it isn't just going to go away. And, to my shame, a curse because I feel uncomfortable even saying the word ADHD because it's such a loaded term. People hear it as a byword for bad parenting. I'm far more likely to say autism. And I'm ashamed of that, even though in a few months it'll be a firm diagnosis as well. With autism, there's no apportioning of blame, no assumptions about your parenting. And even worse is that I've done it myself. I've got to know someone at his school who has a dd with ADHD. This mother lives a very chaotic life, has frequent screaming rows with her other dc, has no control over her dd tearing her classroom apart most mornings, and drinks at lunchtime and as soon as she gets home. And I judged her. But now I'm going through the same with my ds, I do wonder if she's just so many years into having to deal with this awful condition and its effect on her entire family that perhaps all of this is effect rather than cause. Having to deal with ds, support him and know we can't even go shopping without a meltdown,and that its unlikely to change in the near future is soul destroying. Made much worse because of the judgy stares of other people who have no idea of his diagnosis and simply see a naughty boy. Every day is a series of battles. But the world sees simply a naughty boy and a not good enough mother. I don't envy anyone who is dealing with a child with ADHD. It can be hell.

Maryz, thank you for your reply, that makes sense. I asked because DD constantly "eats" her school cardigans. DS is so forgetful and has never watched a film as he lacks the concentration to sit there for two hours. I was trying to understand when those things become a part of something bigger

Ghosty, your dd sounds so much like my ds. He was inconsolable last week when he got home from school as he was so remorseful about having done something 'wrong'. Nothing I said could make it better and he just hated himself for it :(

Feel sorry for you and daughter Emily. No one knows what ADHD is like unless they live with it or work with it. There is so much ignorance and not helped by bad media that is so negative and nonsense. Anything with mental health carries stigma. No one understands its about neurotransmitters not working great. I think it's the label/title. If it was called brain transmitter disorder or something it would maybe be more serious!
My son - nearly 9 - has had horrid week. When he's anxious he rubs at his skin till its raw. He had anxious week. Medically support is good, but his class teacher just not bothered. Counting down till her retirement.

All he wants to do is try hard and please but it's so hard for him to concentrate and get organised he fails and beats himself up about it. And his teacher won't be pleased by anything any of the kids do never mind him so he gives up.
It's hard to live with and my heart aches for him and the lack of understanding there is for him. As I'm sure it does for you and your daughter
But at least they have their mums!

Pantone that's my DD in a shop !!!! but I learned a long time ago to ignore the outside

she will come home and stomp for a bit then come down in tears - desolate that she hurt my feelings and begging for forgiveness - it's all or nothing with her (she has added teenage hormones at the moment)

I really gave up caring if the world thinks I am a shit mum ages ago

I do care that people judge her as a nasty kid without knowing how fantastic she is though - she recently wrote a letter to David Cameron admonishing him for the bedroom tax and asking why he punishes the poor for the sins of the rich - she's pretty caring

maryz "I'm on the fence when I hear "poor parenting exacerbating ADHD" though, because imo it's hard to tell whether it's poor parenting contributes to bad behaviour or very challenging behaviour contributing to parents finding it hard to cope, if that makes sense."

I think the real issue there is that with a child with no neurological issues, there's generally a wee bit of wiggle room when it comes to the quality of parenting and some kids do OK even with some pretty awful parenting. That margin of error isn't there with a child with ADHD, though. Admittedly my experience is with a child with a double whammy of ASD and ADHD, but nt only am I always having to risk assess every situation we end up in and be watchful for signs that his behaviour may be about to nosedive because he's reached his limits, I have to be conscious of how I react to him, all the time. There are inevitable days when I'm not feeling my best and it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll react in a way that causes him to explode if I'm not super cautious about not letting my ennui show or not rising to it when he's pushing buttons for a reaction.

OP - YANBU. It's not helped by ignorant, goady journalists writing articles about ADHD being a naughty child syndrome used as an excuse to get a free car.

Things like being disorganised, lack of concentration, fiddling, daydreaming etc, when do they stop being personality traits and start being ADHD?

When you can't improve those things just by making more effort, even though they tend to really screw up your day, time and time again.

After working with both adults and children with disabilities I am astounded by the level of ignorance and lack of understanding afforded them. The media don't help by postulating whether some disabilities are 'real' or an excuse for behaviour and the ensuing 'debates' on TV and in the media.

Where can I get this free car ;-) .
The other mis-conception is that we as parents are keen to label our children quickly for benefits! The process for diagnosis is shocking. Took six months to get first appointment followed by another 18 months of obs ,questionaires, meetings it is no quick option . My experience of CAMHS was very positive (when we did meet!!) but they are so overstretched.

She asked her mum for a magazine, mum said no, girl shouts "you're such a fucking dickhead", no reaction from mum at all other than ignoring her.

See my bit about not rising to the bait. The girl got neither the magazine nor the adrenaline rush of a confrontation, which, IME can escalate a situation when a child is already angry.

We lost an academic year to diagnosis, Emily even though he already had a diagnosis of ASD. He was at school part time for most of that year because he simply couldn't cope.

Panatone

That's a great question. Some of these descriptions fit me to a tee, especially the girl who just wants to please, is highly critical of herself etc. I've been an adult for 25 years now, but I still have problems following sets of directions (forget recipes, I can fuck up a simple recipe in different ways each time I try it). I got in trouble at work for not finishing a job because I got distracted and forgot to go back to it. My house is chaotic because I can't organise myself enough to keep on top of it. I've done self-assessment tests that score me highly for ADD, and then I gave the tests to my mother to score for me, and she scored me even higher.

I wonder about asking the GP about it, but I'm really afraid they are going to tell me that I'm just a scatterbrained, lazy and disorganised person who should just try harder.

Articles such as this one in Time magazine do muddy the water and I can understand how someone without a personal interest might think that the medical community is still divided.

Ouryve has got it spot on. It's typical of adults with undiagnosed ADD to have diaries, wall planners, to do lists (sometimes even a list of to do lists!), phone reminders, notes on the back of their hand, post it notes everywhere etc, yet fail to use all of them. To own entire bookshelves of self help books yet not have achieved anything they promise. In short, where normal tools to help correct or improve such habits just don't work.

For children or is more difficult, because a lot of it is just being a child. I suppose the markers to look for would be immature behaviour for their age (all toddlers are inattentive - most eight year olds aren't. Most six year olds are distractible and forgetful. 12 year olds aren't.) And to an extent whether normal and consistent parental pressure makes any difference at all.

The older they get the more defensive they get.Poor DD is so low on confidence so its hard to correct her if she says something that makes no sense as she just withdraws.
Yesterday she told me it was 30 o'clock i said "oh you mean 5.30" she stormed to her room and remained put !
So i often battle with myself whether to correct certain things but if I don't how will she learn. She is at an age where she is not so receptive to help .

I'm sure part of that is her age, Emily, like you say. It's good that you have known about it fir a while, though. I am really struggling with defensiveness now because for all my life I have been bombarded with well meaning people offering the normal kind of advice - thinking that you must not have heard this before and perhaps it will solve all of your problems. Honestly it gets so wearing to have to explain for the millionth time "Yes, I have tried that. And that. And this other thing. And the thing you're about to say. And the thing you've never heard of." Of someone catches uou at the wrong time you just feel like shouting "Im not bloody stupid, do you think I haven't thought of that already? Obviously it didn't work or I still wouldbt have a problem!" But no, they tend to assume that you did it wrong or gave up too soon or if you jusg tried it again it might work this time! The discussion invariably ends with them frying all huffy and deciding that you're just not trying hard enough, you clearly dont think it's important or that you're lazy abd defeatist and not interested in a solution.

Eventually you learn that nobody has a real constructive solution for you, isn't interested in actually helping or trying to understand, and Wang's to put you down. So at the first hint of "have you tried...?" Or "it would be better for me if you..." You sense the way the conversation is likely to go and decide to hit the short cut. It's jot pretty or constructive in the slightest. I'be only just deluded that I'm doing it. So (you would gooe, anyway) an earlier diagnosis ought to cut that part out. Except I expect that it doesn't really, because I'm sure well meaning people still say "Oh, have you tried writing rhings down?" and look all pleased with themselves as though you are going to think them brainbox of the century and bestow them with kisses dfor solving your deepest life problems.

Well, that was more depressing than I intended. Sorry for typos, btw, I do know how to type but I don't thibj my phone does, and it gets all.confused if I try to correct things and deletes the wrong part.

Wang's :o WTAF?