AIBU to think ADHD bashing is plain ignorant?!

[Emily34austin]

My DD has ADHD .She struggled through primary academically and slipped behind her peers .She struggled to concentrate , organise her self and her belongings and her concentration really held her back in terms of progress. She was never "naughty" well not never but not anymore than other children the same age. After two long years of observations and endless meeting's she was diagnosed with ADHD .

The first reaction I got from teacher was "Oh how unusual she is so polite". Since then it's been endless not always directly to me but comments like " ADHD another word for spoilt brat syndrome " "ASBO disorder" "Bad parenting". Then there have been the well meaning parents who tried to advise me it was caused my sugary foods and if I cut those out her symptom's would vanish.
Don't get me wrong now she is a teenager her behaviour has been an issue but isn't that the way with most teenagers (stompy,eye-roller,shouty etc!!) nothing to extreme .
DD won't tell anyone she has ADHD she has become ashamed due to ignorance and assumptions in the past .

Why do people not talk like this in regards to depression , anxiety etc.?! Why does ADHD have such a stigma ?!

This thread has made me so sad that so many people are going through similar things to my family. DS2 was diagnosed a year ago at 19. He's had problems sleeping which we went to the GP about when he was 15. I finally insisted on an appointment with a sleep clinic which involved traveling 2 and a half hours to get there. The GP wanted a mental health referral as he seemed convinced DS2 was anxious or depressed. Luckily he got to see a brilliant psychiatrist who diagnosed ADHD which was confirmed by the specialist and DS2 now chooses to take ritalin. The sleep clinic has helped with the sleep problem which is almost certainly related to the ADHD. Both conditions have had negative impacts on his education.

I have been trying to find out what is different about DS2 for at least 10 years, as he has always been different from his siblings. I just wish he'd had this diagnosis back in primary school as it would have saved a lot of problems including 2 exclusions from high school for violent behaviour. ADHD often runs in families so it is not 'bad parenting' to blame but the fact that parents may also be undiagnosed ADHDers, as I know realise ex-DH is.

More awareness on the way this condition shows itself would really help everyone. It is not necessarily about 'bad' behaviour, DS2 is inattentive but also fidgety - which is where the hyper bit comes out. It saddens me that SEN teachers are not given better training. When I wanted to take DS2 to an ed-psych his head teacher said it was pointless as he would be diagnosed because 'that is their job and they always find something wrong' - perhaps they always find something wrong because unless there really were something wrong parents would not be spending this kind of money on a diagnosis. As parents we know our children best and ought to be allowed to trust our instincts more.

Yes to hyper focussing- really like the beam of a lighthouse

Yes to hereditary - DO definitley has it

DP

Well here is something odd. This is Dawndonna's other dd. Usually my twin has something to say, but today it's my turn.
I have Adhd, ASD and a list as long as the gas bill of other differences. I am 18 and am repeating year 12 due to my difficulties last year. ( I got a boyfriend who didn't mind my differences and got distracted ). Anyway, I'm not 'naughty'. I know that in my time I have done things that can be perceived as such but they're not malicious. Often daft, often dangerous. I'm better now in that I can ask someone to shut their upstairs windows (compulsions), to hold my jacket when I'm near a particularly busy road, although I got distracted by some fish recently (my obsession) and nearly came a cropper. Whoops! I don't do it to be difficult, or naughty, I honestly don't realise. I'm not rude deliberately, although aware that I can be, and sometimes, at 18, I can even realise, unfortunately after I've said it, that something is rude. I know to apologise. I still have trouble but Mum says (I agree) it's important to know which battles to pick, not to pick me up on every tiny little thing and to suggest things rather than order me. In other words she doesn't tell me to tidy my room. She will say do you think you could tidy the bed when you've got a minute, please, if possible by six o' clock. She will then remind me three times. That way nobody is being set up to fail. We have a list on the back door of the things I need to take out with me each day. With pictures. If she needs me to do something it's written down and then texted to me too.

It's so important to me that I'm not told to do something once and then I get into trouble for not doing it. I cannot help that the thought is replaced so quickly. I can't help being fidgetty. I have things to play with 'fiddlys' under the table at school or in my lap at home. They actually help me concentrate, it's a myth that it's distracting. I need help, not nasty judgements. In the main that's what I get. For those that judge, I tell them exactly how often I come home and sob my heart out because I got something wrong, or forgot something important. I tell them how dangerous my life can be because of my compulsions. I still, at 18 cannot be trusted to cook without supervision, can you imagine how much impact that will have on my life when I go to uni. How daft I'm going to look? I still need help to cross the road. You see that's it, I need help, not disapproval and denial.
Dawndonna's other dd.

low GI does not mean no chocolate and purely vegan; rice has a high GI and sends DS absolutely hyper, so do grapes- it is a measure of how quickly a food metabolises to glucose. As glucose affects the neurotransmitters in your brain, it is not unreasonable to suggest that dietary changes may help SOME children. It may not help yours, but it has helped mine. That should not be an issue to say.

There is definitely a fear of medication. I don't know why really - we don't worry that a diabetic person
will change if they take insulin, we don't have the immediate urge to try managing their diet or finding a natural alternative first. We accept that there is a chemical imbalance and we change it.

For the person who said that parents might push for a diagnosis (in a scathing tone I might add) - why do you think they might do this? What benefits are they getting from it? With a diagnosis, you can access better support. Medication, yes (as with any medication, the side effects usually outweigh the benefits if a person takes it who doesn't need it. As mentioned earlier, the medications for ADD are stimulants. They will make a person without ADD more hyper abd distractible, not less.) And therapy, behavioural therapy to help a person manage and work with their
symptoms and limitations.

It is a myth to say that a person with ADD can't concentrate ever. It's just not as clear cut as that - would be nice if it was. As with most things, it's highly likely to be on a spectrum. There are so many disorders that I think it is highly likely that a lot of people are on some spectrum or another. But if you feel generally able to cope with and manage life without the need for medication or help from a behavioural therapist, great! The diagnosis allows those people who do need some extra help to have those services more easily available to them. The "labels" make it simpler. An ASD person does not need a dyslexia specialist and a dyspraxic person won't be helped by taking Ritalin.

Saying it can sometimes be an excuse. I think we are talking about different situations entirely TBH. Certainly there are behaviours which are part of disorders such as ADD or ASD that are involuntary which would be a choice (and therefore punishable) in a NT child. To an extent, though, adults around a child with involuntary reactions to things ought to be managing the situation to minimise incidents they might react badly tto minimise the damage when they do. Not to blame but to help. It's a shame this isn't usually possible or done particularly well in a lot of cases, mainly due to ignorance about the condition. (I am not talking about well informed parents here, more often school staff, sometimes parents, if they have been given insufficient support, which is sadly common.) It's also a shame when a child begins to believe that "you can't do anything, I have ADHD!" Is an acceptable response.

React badly to AND to minimise.

I forgot to add, for adults with a disorder it's also not okay to just say "Yeah, i get to treat you badly because I have (whatever)". It is the adult's responsibility to know their limitations and act accordingly. Saying "I'm sorry, but I'm not able to do that because I have ADHD" is different, as is a heads up that you may need more help remembering or understanding context or whatever those needs are. Most people will be understanding and appreciative if you just explain what you need and why you need it. You do always get the odd jerk who isn't, but that's life.

Ragged I know. But what i was addressing was when someone was saying their NT child would be diagnosed with it because they ooccasionally displayed certain behaviours. My point was that no because the behaviours are consistent and presumably their NT child displays NT behaviour in between .

I do know about ADHD. And I was trying to help again't the judging. So loads of people picking me apart isnt that great.

Will just not bother. My DD isn't diagnosed with it (well officially) so i will butt out.

And while dietary suggestions can help my comments about diet were directed at someone judging parents of someone with ASD for them having a limited diet.

But will leave you all to it.

Sorry i xposted lots there, slow phone internet/typing. Fanjo i get where you're coming from, wasn't having a go :)

Bertie it's fine. I wasn't meaning you either :)

A lot of people still think that ADHD doesn't exist and is just a used as an excuse for naughty behaviour. I even had a TA from a very well respected local SEN school tell me that "ADHD doesn't exist". I've seen it, it definitely does exist, but I've also seen parents try and label their naughty kids as ADHD when they are just naughty kids who've been badly parented with no boundaries at home. This doesn't help matters IMO.

Hopefully slightly more advanced than now. Once you've waited two-three years for diagnosis that seems to be it really . You certainly don't get money, cars and loads of extra support contrary to media reports!
DD is so disorganised unless something is tied to her it gets lost a total of twelve full PE kits including trainers last year numerous house keys, bus passes and even clothes !DD has almost daily detentions for not doing homework. I have asked school umpteen times to email me homework or write on a note and they won't they just say "she needs to take responsibility" well she won't its a well known fact children with developmental disorders do not easily learn their lesson through consequences .DD can make the same mistake every day and receive sanctions but rather than learn from it she simply gets used to the sanction being a part of her day.

Sorry if I misunderstood you, Fanjo4M. I don't even had a child with ADHD so I suppose I shouldn't be on thread. But DS does a few ADHD things which is why I have thought about it.

I find it very liberating to deem DS a PITA and not having SN, tbh (he has been assessed for many things and dismissed, before anyone asks). This is far less stressful than wondering about a suitable label. There's a terrible narrative that most people believe, that either parents are awful or child has SN. Like those are the only possibilities when a kid is difficult. I'm finally strong enough to believe that we are neither camp because a third option exists; We didn't and don't make DS difficult & he doesn't have a syndrome or suitable treatment, either.

So yeah, lots of ignorance where difficult kids are concerned.

Oh yes. To getting used to the sanction. I identify with that a lot.

ragged YY. And some kids just struggle to fit into the expectations we have of children. A friend of mine when I was a child was totally wild, my mum commented to me later, when I was struggling with DS, that she'd tried to help the mum (they were friends first) but she was astonished to see that what worked with me and DSis didn't work at all with this girl.

Girl is now an adult, very successful, artistic, creative, does not fit in a mould but perfectly functional and happy as an adult. She wasn't good at being a child, but there was nothing wrong with her. Indeed, many qualities we value in adults we disapprove of in children, so it's quite baffling really.

Sorry ragged. Am just a bit sensitive today i thunk :)

Or even think

It's frustrating, as well, because sure, there will be some parents who want to mollycoddle their absolutely NT children and ask for homework to be emailed, and I can see why the school wouldn't want to agree to that. But the whole diagnosis/label thing should work here - you ought to be able to say "Look, the sanction is great and I totally agree with you, but it won't work on DD because she has ADHD. Can we look into other ways of managing this issue?"

If it's about her taking responsibility, it would be a good idea if she was allowed to have a smartphone or laptop in class, so that she could immediately email herself the homework, for example. I use this all the time for work. I get my timetables emailed to me, and if I can't remember whether a class is cancelled one week or whether I have an extra class on one day, I can just check in my emails, which I have access to on the computer, at home, at work and on my phone, and then I know. It's very easy and I do it all the time. Perhaps a person without ADHD would be able to remember when they are told "Mr X. cancelled on Thursday", but for me it helps immeasurably that I can look it up several times before Thursday.

Of course I doubt the school will agree to this, because of the distraction possibilities, which just - aaaargh! So inflexible. I know they do have to be. But it's very very frustrating.

It is and I understand they can't give DD preferential treatment but DD did some amazing homework last weekend.Was art and took her hours she was so pleased.She showed teacher who didn't comment as its whats expected of all children but for DD it was a huge achievement.
Staff even told DD it was much nicer when she was off ill .I spoke to teacher who said it was as trying to keep her on task was a draining job !

God that's horrible :( Poor DD!

It's difficult because the attitude of schools seems to be "If they need special treatment then they should be in special school". But the vast majority of children with ADHD/dyslexia/ASD don't need to be in special school at all. And special schools are closing so more children, with more severe needs, are expected to be accommodated in mainstream schools. You would think they would see the need for a more flexible middle ground.

On a more positive note - sometimes strategies that work on ADHD or similar DO work on NT children - and some schools are able to use this well.

Poltergoose is often recommending the Explosive Child - which is great, but also try 'the Parent and Child Game': We are lucky enough to be actually doing this as a tailored course of therapy at CAMHS and the strategies would work really well for NT. They aren't rocket science but when there are three kids involved it can be great for someone to coach you through

Cool thanks Cat, I will have a look :)

Sue Jenner?