AIBU to think ADHD bashing is plain ignorant?!

[Emily34austin]

My DD has ADHD .She struggled through primary academically and slipped behind her peers .She struggled to concentrate , organise her self and her belongings and her concentration really held her back in terms of progress. She was never "naughty" well not never but not anymore than other children the same age. After two long years of observations and endless meeting's she was diagnosed with ADHD .

The first reaction I got from teacher was "Oh how unusual she is so polite". Since then it's been endless not always directly to me but comments like " ADHD another word for spoilt brat syndrome " "ASBO disorder" "Bad parenting". Then there have been the well meaning parents who tried to advise me it was caused my sugary foods and if I cut those out her symptom's would vanish.
Don't get me wrong now she is a teenager her behaviour has been an issue but isn't that the way with most teenagers (stompy,eye-roller,shouty etc!!) nothing to extreme .
DD won't tell anyone she has ADHD she has become ashamed due to ignorance and assumptions in the past .

Why do people not talk like this in regards to depression , anxiety etc.?! Why does ADHD have such a stigma ?!

About 30 o clock etc, I wouldn't correct. You know she knows what it is really, and you understood what she meant. Probably it was a bit of a "brain fart" and the words got jumbled up on the way out. She will encounter plenty of people who will take great glee in correcting things like that sneerily, it would be nice if she knows that you always "get" her without getting at her if that makes sense. If you really don't know what she means, then ask. But don't correct just because the wrong words came out of her mouth. She won't be aware that she's doing it and probably isn't able to control it, so just accept it as one of her little quirks.

YANBU! DS2 and DS3 both have ADHD and are medicated. They were both formally diagnosed at 10, because athough I strongly suspected, they weren't strugling until this point. There was begining to be a heartbreaking gap between the maturity of them and their peers, and had started to effect their education to a major extent,

People who think it's easy to diagnose, and it's just naughty children, have no idea. Having a child who comes home crying form the park because he's done something daft, that he didn't really want to do, and everyone is laughing at him again isn't easy. Having your 10 year old saying "Please mum, can we try the tablets, because I can't concentrate to read a book, and I really like reading." isn't because a parent hasn't set boundries.

The day DS2 began his meds we had our first real conversation, he hadn't been able to concentrate long enough to do it before, he was 10 years old :(

Thank you for this thread Emily34austin.

My dd is 10 and has dyslexia. She finds it very hard to concentrate and is struggling at school (and has since Year 1). We are exploring ASD and also ADHD, although I think ADD may be more the thing. It is hard to know where dyslexia leaves off because although it can be about reading, writing and spelling it can affect a lot of other things too.

She is not in the situation many children mentioned on here are, not as difficult in terms of behaviour etc but quite a handful at times. I've been told it is me who has 'made her like this' by being not strict enough. It made me very unhappy in the past but now, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, the more I know the more I understand and the less I care what other uninformed people think.

Good luck to all parenting different, brilliant, challenging, amazing children.

Emily34austin YANBU - I got diagnosed with it last year when i was 43. Both my parents, my husband and my best friend all think its a load rubbish despite the fact that I now take daily medication. I have given up explaining and justifying the whole thing now. I deal with it by pitying their closed conditioned BORING neuro typical minds. I hug myself with glee when I think of the positives of being an adult with ADD - endless creativity, the ability to make people and myself laugh, having a great deal of empathy and intuition.

I love reading about your children and their early diagnosis. With your support, guidance and understanding they will thrive. Allow them run with their ADHD unshackled and they will take off. View it as a gift and cherish their differences.

It's sad to hear from the pp who said her dc teacher can't be bothered and is just counting down to retirement.

Op your dc sounds just like my ds. His appt with child services is in April. His teacher will be retiring this year but she has been great. Instrumental in getting dc referred. Constant contact with me. Meetings. Support. Emails. Very caring.

Ds started middle school which is a lot like secondary only you start at 9. This tested him to the limit. Disorganized. Distracted. Lost. Very behind academically. Rude to teachers out of frustration. Disruptive sometimes. Silly behaviour. As parents we pull him up on everything, punish accordingly. Adhd doesn't excuse bad behaviour but it helps me understand why he does it. He has a behavioural therapist at school too.

I'm hoping that with all the support and by working closely with school, agencies etc we can get him through his school years. But living in a small town, I dread to think what people must think of him (and me) and I'm ashamed sometimes by things he's done and said

The stigma is horrendous but I do think other conditions have stigma too like depression (pull yourself together etc) ME (lazy) etc

There is a whole lot of ignorance out there. Sorry your DD is struggling :(

People should remember two things:

1. it is hard to parent someone with ADHD so they should lay off the judging of parenting.

2)"they can't help it" is sometimes true and not an excuse.

People here with kids with ADHD always have to qualify it with "its not an excuse for bad behaviour'

Sometimes it is.

As is ASD. My DD lashes out and kicks off. Entirely down to her ASD and not our parenting.

The Daily Mail et al have a lot to answer for.

We have been confirmed by professionals to be doing right thing so feel I can say that confidently.

Even kids who shoplift..or are violent..it's not necessarily that their parents use ADHD as an excuse.

Parenting kids with ADHD is HARD.and they can easily go off the rails or express their frustrations in a way that appears like that. Or can struggle to deal with following the rules.

Please just try not to judge. Even if you think the parents look ineffective. You know not what people are dealing with.

My DD kicked off like a toddler in swimming pool queue yesterday. Probably looked terribly spoilt. She is a lovely wee girl and just gets anxious waiting in queues.

DS has the hyperactivity/impulsivity Behaviour; it goes beyond normal high activity child to complete lack of sense (particularly sense of danger, which scares me). I am a single parent so acutely aware of accusations of bad parenting.

Contrary to what you say in your OP, I have found that changing his diet has helped enormously, because I then have a child who can concentrate, play games, is not spitting in my face but getting ready to go out. He is on a strict whole food low GI diet, and to be honest, when he has something off the diet it takes about five hours for him to return to calmer.

My parenting of this hyperactive/impulsive child and this calmer child is the same; what he is eating is not. It is not the whole answer, I need to pay attention other sensory factors, and I don't know how things will develop, but for me, changing his diet has been valuable. But it is more than just cutting out sugar, and I don't mean to be a well-meaning person offering bad advice, it is just my experience because there is never one solution fits all.

Plus, I can quite see DS not being invited out because he has the 'hard work' label; people have already done that.

My son just started getting depression this year
He was diagnosed with optimal defiance b poler add disorder but is it normal for him not to eat. He's gonna be asleep he's just load getting his trapdoor treatment

Those aren't just traits they are what us parents ignore until someone points them out. Than it will drive you crazy.. My son drags his feet when he's mad notices I just laughed. But my you ok yes need rot several what you kids do but today she tore up stuff lmafp... He just is mean. Some days he cuts stuff up does anyone else have that problem. He also is now getting up at midnight or 2 am and trashing my entire house ans I'd kept the cookies for us. He hurts our pet like he killed the gerbils and risk slammed th cat in the window????????

We recently had a 15 year old work experience boy for two weeks. We knew he had ADHD and ASD.
He was fine but his diet was shockingly bad. He drank two or three powerade drinks and several chocolate bars every day, which his mother had given him. He couldn't actually sit still.
I was surprised that his caring, educated parents fed him such rubbish.

Well. People with ASD particularly, often have very restricted diets. So maybe that is all he would eat. My friends son does NOT eat at all. Despite her being caring and educated and trying everything. Please do not judge. It's very different from "they won't starve themselves". They will.

ive got a theory of why parent of nt can dismiss a diagnosis. its going to make me come across quite ignorant and I really don't mean it in a bad way but it might give you some understanding of why so many are ignorant.

I deal with bad behaviour from my dc, like any child she will have the odd tantrum, lash out, be nasty, get distracted. This can be very difficult to manage and there are times when I wonder does she have a condition, is she just naughty or is this completely normal. generally I come to the conclusion that she is nt but I get the impression that if I tool her to a specialist she might come away with a diagnosis as all her behaviour could fit in examples of adhd or add behaviour, and even though I know it's not fair or nice I wonder if some parents push for the diagnosis.

obviously I know this is an ignorant view and I am cynical by nature but this is one of those opinions that I think unfortunately a lot of people share unless you have experience of it.

Unfortunately everytime a kid with adhd or add disrupts a class, is violent or causes issues the natural reaction from most others is to be annoyed that they are negatively affected and this will impact on how they feel about the child in question.

I think the biggest difference would come if the media took the conditions more seriously as the media has such a big effect on the way we think, even subconsciously.

But the behaviour related with ADHD and ASD are far more extreme. And constant. People with ADHD cannot concentrate ever. Your child would not come away with a diagnosis. The diagnosis process is long and hard.

I could write that my DD is shy and doesn't like eye contact. Doesn't play with others. And occasionally kicks off. From that people would easily say that's just shyness and naughtiness, all kids are naughty.

However my DD has severe autism. She has no playskills and is non verbal.

I really wish everyone who is in contact with kids with these conditions would educate themselves before judging.

Getting so tired of reading the judging and having to educate. Has been constant this week. And get abuse for it as well. But someone has to explain it or loads of struggling families will get judged unfairly.

My daughter can not sit still paxtecum. Due to her neurology. No matter how little chocolate she has. Probably even if she had the purest vegan diet.

Not probably. Definitely even if.

And just as Ritalin is a stimulant but calms people with ADHD there is a large school of thought that caffeine actually reduces the symptoms of ADHD.

So. Not so simple to judge now? :)

My DS 8 recently diagnosed a year after referral. He's always been like it but I've blamed myself for his behaviour.

It's very difficult to get a diagnosis and the amount of professionals we've seen I can tell you there's no way a normal child would get a diagnosis. Plus CAMHS so stretched you can't get in the door.

Life is very very difficult and I can't explain to other parents what it's like at home because it sounds like oneupmanship.

He hasn't slept through the night since Christmas and wakes me up twice or more because he doesn't want to be the only one awake. He won't go to bed. Not to mention aggression at home. At school he's impulsive and very lucky indeed they are on it and on board with a great SENCo.

I've started telling people he has it because I think it needs to be out there. It's not an excuse but it's fundamental to him and as with any other disability I belive in honesty.

With the bad parenting thing - it's so easy to confuse it from the outside. A situation with my DS sometimes requires the sort of parenting that looks counter intuitive from the outside - so for instance saying 'put your coat on' can cause a major meltdown - any normal child and you'd hold your ground like an army and say it's non negotiable until the coat goes on. In my DSs case you could end up in a situation way out of your depth with an aggressive meltdown- so... You look like a weak parent because you read the signs (a meltdown is imminent - only the parent knows that), and you work out when to quit, then (if you aren't absolutely whacked out later on) you revisit it with a conversation at a calm moment. But. That looks like bad parenting to the woman in the street iykwim

Thanks for all your responses .
The difference on correcting is DD doesn't know how to tell the time her concentration holds her back so much she has missed so much learning and is now not very keen to learn things she knows all her peers learnt years ago . Which is hard as some are key skills but when I try to help she says "For gods sake you know I'm thick everyone know's i'm thick you have to say I'm not your my mum . There is no point trying to teach me I won't remember" before vanishing to her room!

As for her diet that has been a huge issue since weaning she has such a limited diet .I tried the whole they'll eat it when they are hungry enough DD won't she doesn't seem to have a natural diet and doesn't ever seem to get hungry she will eat chicken, pasta , raspberries , peas , sweetcorn ,cheese , muffins , chocolate ,Yorkshire puddings and that's about it .Yogurt makes her gag as does bread ,milk and an endless list of other things going out for dinner is never a pleasant experience she usually end up with a bowl of sauceless pasta .

There is ignorance surrounding all MH I know ADHD just seems to be viewed much more in a negative way and I worry DD will become the self fulfilling prophecy she seems to get punished above and beyond her peers .I think staff get very frustrated with her as she takes so long to get stated ,never completes work and gets distracted by anything and everything . I can to some extent understand their frustration as far as education seems to have become a box ticking exercise to prove all students make adequate /good progress .However this is no excuse as to how she is often treated one teacher compared her to a goldfish and called her stupid. When I complained she said they are allowed to criticise behaviour and she continued to harass DD with comments .My complaint wasn't listened to so I went higher it was then this teacher vanished .DD senses peoples impatience at her questions and needing re prompting if they are impatient she will become defiant.I feel I am always fighting someone and it is exhausting to say the least .

DD has anxiety as well but doesn't mind telling people this as the reaction is much more understanding .I know this isn't the case for everyone and it certainly wasn't the case years ago so I'm hopeful there will be a shift at some point to promote a better understanding .

Thank you for all sharing your stories xxx

Cat got your brain- DD used to wake at least three times a night but since puberty not at all so it won't be to long hopefully four years before you get to sleep!

It's confused because if you're in the US you go to a paediatrician (as that's what they have as first point of contact - straight there rather than GP) and they can diagnose and prescribe medication. It's quicker and the healthcare system is so different it's not comparable.

They don't hand out Ritalin like sweets here. It's a co trolled drug as it has a resale value on the street. We haven't even got to the consulting process on the possibility yet after nearly 18 months.

If you get Ritalin you have a diary initially and so does the school - they fill it out to give an idea of the effect and it's prescribed on the basis of that.

There's an idea that loads of kids get it without real need but I just cant see that

I agree I was vey weary about medicating due to side effects such as loss of appetite . I spoke to DD and she now takes it .She says she notices no difference but there has at last been some improvement at school . I had some awful image it would be a bit like a tranquiliser and she would change but she hasn't she is just slightly less on edge and finding learning easier so now I feel awful I didn't try years ago you really can't win.

I don't get the big 'decision' agony either. I think 'if it works it works' and we might try it. If it makes him not 'himself' he or we might say it's not a good idea. At eight I think he might have an opinion worth listening to too.

I know someone who wouldn't even tell their 13 yo DS he could have medication.

"People with ADHD cannot concentrate ever. "

Um, that's not true. Some compensate by hyper focusing. What is more universal is that they can't easily anticipate consequences and can't multi-task, not in the ordinary way most people even men can.

Some Parents told me they disliked their kids on meds because it made them spaced out. Also lack of appetite was an undesirable side effect.