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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how to confront misogyny

112 replies

Thehoardernextdoor · 28/02/2015 01:17

Tonight DH,DBF (also male) and I went to our local for a drink, behind us and round the corner in the quiet bar were 4 men.
All of a sudden I was aware of one of these guys talking REALLY loudly about how Fred West had the right idea, how he wished he had a cellar/extension where he could do the same etc. Spouting horribly misogynistic stuff, his friends were laughing in an embarrassed way clearly not that comfortable with it, and I was so angry and upset, only woman in the bar, I knew I would have to say something, but I am terrible at confrontation. So we drank up, I told dh and dbf to get going and then I went over to these guys and said, "I don't know which one of you was saying all that disgusting stuff about Fred West but you obviously hate women and you've got a small dick." I turned and walked away,I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but now I'm thinking I should have handled it better. How could I have humiliated him more in front of his mates? Should I have engaged him in a serious discussion? Basically, what would you have done or said?

OP posts:
pollypocket123 · 28/02/2015 01:21

Hold on, you admire a serial killer???? might have worked!

dontcallnotdating · 28/02/2015 01:22

Tbh you handled it perfectly!

pollypocket123 · 28/02/2015 01:25

The above would have been my response if I was a little drunk...sitting in front of him and asking if he had children, a wife, a mother or a sister.

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 28/02/2015 01:32

I'd have ignored it. Walked away.

You're not The Jackass Whisperer.

You won't change his opinion so why bother? Let him spout his shit. Eventually he'll alienate himself from society.

I wouldn't get involved.

Crocodopolis · 28/02/2015 01:35

I would have ignored it, TBH.

zippey · 28/02/2015 01:43

Ignore.

Just someone trying to show off by making silly comments. Why let that idiot have such ramifications and spoil your night.

He is like a troll, and any reaction, especially such a negative one (no doubt turning to his friends after you walk away and saying "see told you I was right about these women") is essentially giving it what it wants. Don't feed it.

fizzycolagurlie · 28/02/2015 01:57

I live in a country where people carry guns now. I don't confront, I ignore and remove myself. You didn't do him or his friends or yourself any favors by confronting him.

TheCatsFlaps · 28/02/2015 02:00

Wouldn't waste my breath on the likes of him...or you could have grabbed his balls, smiled knowingly, and then said "thought as much."

WoodenGo · 28/02/2015 02:01

I wouldn't have said anything. People are free to have ludicrous opinions and express them in a private conversation. Not sure how telling him he had a small dick would in anyway make him reconsider his views or be considered 'confronting misogyny'.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 28/02/2015 02:08

I would have said fuck all, twats like that thrive on reactions.

Really, IGNORE.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 28/02/2015 02:11

You didn't have to say anything, you don't have to take every misogynistic comment and own it. Men who make comments like this are looking for a response, the best rejoinder is none.

MidniteScribbler · 28/02/2015 02:23

You aren't going to make any difference to his opinions by confronting him. All you'll get is get called a 'hysterical woman' by him at best, or end up in a fight at worst.

however · 28/02/2015 06:12

Good on you for confronting.

He's probably been rejected many times. He thinks it's women who have a problem. He probably doesn't realise it's him. Or he does, but doesn't want to face it.

Olbasaddict · 28/02/2015 06:26

So all you people saying ignore...if he had been talking about treating black people or Muslim people or people with disabilities in a completely disgusting and degrading way and like nothing more than objects and how great that would be.....you would just have ignored that too? Or is it only women who have to put up with being talked about like shit?

Well done OP...I abhor sexism and misogyny and the people who spout it and the people who accept it.

mytartanscarf · 28/02/2015 06:46

Olba in the circumstances described by thehoardernextdoor, I would to be honest.

I've certainly overheard some anti-Muslim rants and I don't get involved because 1) butting into other people's conversations and insulting them round here is a sure fire way to get your head kicked in and 2) you won't change their mind.

I do confront sexism and racism too when it is relevant but snatches of an overheard conversation that has nothing to do with you wont change anyone's mind and just make you look a bit daft (in my opinion!) when you cut into them with school playground insults.

YouBetterWerk · 28/02/2015 07:16

So what if you won't change his mind? People need to realise that in a public space they do not have carte blanche to say whatever they want without people overhearing.
I doubt you would have 'changed his mind' and I doubt he's suddenly gone and signed up as a volunteer for Women's Aid but that's not the point, I think his friends were probably mortified at least on his behalf and will now be more likely to object if he ever starts again. Plus you will have probably embarrassed him a lot.
You showed great courage OP, well done for sticking your head above the parapet.

ManOfSpiel · 28/02/2015 07:56

Back in the day when I used to visit pubs, the landlord/landlady would police unsociable behaviour and would have been enough to get you kicked out.

It's always difficult when put on the spot but in hindsight a word with the management may have been preferable?

As a man I challenge sexism in the work place and other controlled environments but am wary of doing so in a public place, unless I was confident that I could flatten the guy if things got feisty.

HellBoundNothingFound · 28/02/2015 08:01

I would have walked out laughing and shaking my head at him

I work with many men, a fair few are beyond help, I've spent time trying to challenge their world view...most are beyond help due to low intelligence, pity the fools

SweetValentine · 28/02/2015 08:18

I am reminded of

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/02/2015 08:20

That sounds more like psychopathy than misogyny

bigbluestars · 28/02/2015 08:28

This drunken idiot was looking to get a rise out of you so he set the trap- you responded, job done.

Ihnore drunken idiots if you can. It may be worth writing to the management- or even head office if this pub is part of a chain.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 28/02/2015 08:36

I probably would have ignored but I love your response, well done for having the guts to say it

Fuckup · 28/02/2015 08:46

Your response was perfect IMO, I know people says its best to ignore but I don't think that's right. It wasn't just a passing comment or light remark, that's properly disturbing stuff. I would hope that in the same situation I would challenge it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/02/2015 09:26

I wouldn't have mentioned his dick. He might actually have a massive one. Point is he's an inadequate human being. I think a complaint to the management might have been more inconvenient for him.

Teeb · 28/02/2015 09:27

I'm a bit confused about the body shaming/suggestions of violence being A-okay when it comes to idiotic men. 'Grab him by the balls and smile sweetly' I mean wtf. I understand it's in jest the comment is being made (I hope!) but I find it worrying people feel it's acceptable to invade someone so sexually as a suggestion.

Why is having a small dick a problem anyway?! You don't even know it as a statement of fact, like you could about someone being overweight or bald, so it just makes you appear hysterical and mean tbh.