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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how to confront misogyny

112 replies

Thehoardernextdoor · 28/02/2015 01:17

Tonight DH,DBF (also male) and I went to our local for a drink, behind us and round the corner in the quiet bar were 4 men.
All of a sudden I was aware of one of these guys talking REALLY loudly about how Fred West had the right idea, how he wished he had a cellar/extension where he could do the same etc. Spouting horribly misogynistic stuff, his friends were laughing in an embarrassed way clearly not that comfortable with it, and I was so angry and upset, only woman in the bar, I knew I would have to say something, but I am terrible at confrontation. So we drank up, I told dh and dbf to get going and then I went over to these guys and said, "I don't know which one of you was saying all that disgusting stuff about Fred West but you obviously hate women and you've got a small dick." I turned and walked away,I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but now I'm thinking I should have handled it better. How could I have humiliated him more in front of his mates? Should I have engaged him in a serious discussion? Basically, what would you have done or said?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 15:55

No hmc I certainly wasn't. Grin

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/02/2015 16:16

Bringing the size of his genitals into it makes you just as bad IMO

No it doesn't. But then I think she'd have done fellow women a favour by grabbing a knife from behind the bar, chopping his knob off and throwing it onto the table in front of his laughing friends. There was a man in my town who was known for bragging about wanting to kill women when he was drunk. He did kill a woman. It's also not rare to read in the press that someone stated their intentions to kill to their friends before going out and doing it.

If this guy had used the N word loudly once, it's likely his feet wouldn't have touched the floor. But we must safeguard the rights of men to talk about wanting to kill women. Shame so many of them follow through on it...

Tobyjugg · 28/02/2015 16:29

Brilliant response OP. I agree with you totally and why anyone thinks a complaint to the duty manager or owner head office would be appropriate, I can't imagine.

The guy's spending money in their bar and there is such a thing as freedom of speech however much you might dislike what the other person is saying.

ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 16:33

And with freedom of speech comes responsibility not to indulge in antisocial behaviour.

If he's spending money in that bar that's dependent on the staff accepting his money and serving him.

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 16:41

Gatorade, are you for real or just being ridiculously goady? It was me who said bringing the size of his genitals into it made her just as bad and I stand by that.

You seem to be advocating murdering someone in a public bar (or at the very least seriously endangering their life and disfiguiring them permanently).

Way to go "sister", that'll do wonders for the "cause".

Tobyjugg · 28/02/2015 16:44

And with freedom of speech comes responsibility not to indulge in antisocial behaviour

ROFLMAO

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 16:45

And other than the first post, the OP hasn't made any contribution to this thread which makes me suspect it's a load of old bollocks anyway.

ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 16:48

So Toby why is that so amusing?
Do you dispute the fact that the bar staff can refuse him service if they wish, and that they might in any case choose to do so if his conversation offends other paying customers?

Tobyjugg · 28/02/2015 16:48

You noticed that too finn

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 16:50

Yeah Toby. I think they were looking for a round of applause and didn't get it but suspect the whole thing was dreamed up last night after one G&T too many Smile

TheRealAmandaClarke · 28/02/2015 16:51

This might well be a croc of shit
But telling a man he has a small dick, whilst uncalled for, is not actually in any way comparable to suggesting that Fred West "had the right idea"
Surely.

Tobyjugg · 28/02/2015 16:52

Ilovesooty - as finbarcar said, I suspect this whole thread is a troll and a wind-up and I am posting accordingly. Maybe it should be reported, but really is it worth it?

Tobyjugg · 28/02/2015 16:53

It's always the last G&T that does the damage.

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 16:56

By saying "just as bad" I meant that she's lowering herself to the level of making a personal attack on someone she doesn't know based on their gender.

But it's all pretty moot considering this is a figment of someone's overactive imagination.

ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 17:00

It's an established poster though.

Original poster
Thehoardernextdoor · 28/02/2015 17:19

I am still around but not very good on phone and can't get to a computer at the moment. Thanks to everyone who's taken time to contribute even though some of it's made uncomfortable reading I will come back later to post properly if anyone s still interested

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 18:11

I would be interested to know why you seemed to quite deliberately get rid of the people with you before confronting them and why you didn't mention it to the bar staff.

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 18:14

Established posters are more than capable of writing invented bollocks, it's not an exclusive premise of the newbie.

ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 18:21

I suppose you're right finn but it struck me as misguided rather than invented.

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 18:23

You might be right sooty but we'll never know Smile

sparkysparkysparky · 28/02/2015 18:25

The bar management should have dealt with it. I wonder what they would have done if he had been praising Lee Rigby ' s murderers at the top of his voice.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/02/2015 18:38

hmc

You are right in that we won't agree, but I see this as the ranting of someone that has been dumped not someone deliberately goading someone.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/02/2015 19:38

What he said was horrendous and it's sad that no one else challenged it. As he was a stranger, i probably would have done the death stare but not said anything.
I don't think there has been any correlation made between small dick and murderer apologists/violent misogynists whatever. So I definitely wouldn't have said that.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/02/2015 19:40

But I wanted to say; good on you!

Original poster
Thehoardernextdoor · 28/02/2015 20:17

You're all quite right about the dick comment and as soon as I said it I wished I hadn't. I just wanted to shock and upset him as much as he had me. Which is why I posted really. Like I said originally I'm not good at confrontation, my heart was going like the clappers and I haven't stopped thinking about it all day. Admittedly I had a few more drinks when I got home and then posted and I do wish now that I hadn't put itin AIBU but I do know how sparky debate can get on here so I'll take it on the chin. I am most certainly not a troll (although I suppose a troll would say that wouldn't they)? I read mums net regularly but rarely post in any depth due to my lack of phone typing skills. I did not make up the incident Unfortunately. I'm genuinely interested to know what other people would have done in similar circumstances

OP posts: