to wonder how to confront misogyny

[Thehoardernextdoor]

Tonight DH,DBF (also male) and I went to our local for a drink, behind us and round the corner in the quiet bar were 4 men.
All of a sudden I was aware of one of these guys talking REALLY loudly about how Fred West had the right idea, how he wished he had a cellar/extension where he could do the same etc. Spouting horribly misogynistic stuff, his friends were laughing in an embarrassed way clearly not that comfortable with it, and I was so angry and upset, only woman in the bar, I knew I would have to say something, but I am terrible at confrontation. So we drank up, I told dh and dbf to get going and then I went over to these guys and said, "I don't know which one of you was saying all that disgusting stuff about Fred West but you obviously hate women and you've got a small dick." I turned and walked away,I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but now I'm thinking I should have handled it better. How could I have humiliated him more in front of his mates? Should I have engaged him in a serious discussion? Basically, what would you have done or said?

I'd probably have ignored it.

If I felt strongly enough a loudish comment about people being huge weirdos who admire serial killing, incestuous mad people.

Hysterical?

Often an insult levelled at women who speak their minds.

I wouldn't have confronted him. I'd have asked to see the duty manager or owner and been quite explicit about why I was leaving, then if a chain, asked for head office details to follow it up with a written complaint.

Yes, and her mind was telling her to make personal remarks that she entirely imagined in her head to demean and humiliate a stranger in a pub about their body/sexual prowess. You go girl.

I think you did good OP. Standing up for right not to have to have your ears polluted in a public place.

I see the small dick comment as a reference to his inadequacy.

Laughing at idiots like this would also be good.

I think insulting him about the size of his dick is sexist, and by using that to criticise him over what you see as his misogyny makes you a hypocrite.

The bloke sounds like a twat, but I'd hear what he was saying as twatish rather than mysoginistic. You pissed all over any point you may have had about the way he was talking about women by using a specifically male only way to insult him.

I'm not sure that relating the size of someone's genitals to their mental capacity is really striking a blow for equality tbh.

Personally I don't police conversations that I've eavesdropped, although I would challenge audible remarks that were off in a work environment, say.

I think you negated any moral victory by making a playground comment about his 'small dick.'

You didn't do yourself (or women) any favours with that one.

"asked for head office details to follow it up with a written complaint."

And then I would have demanded that all the bar staff and the manager be sacked for allowing that kind of speech to take place on the premises. Allowing that person to express his distasteful opinion in a public place means that they were not doing their jobs properly.

So you confronted someone that was having a drunken rant in pub and then boasted about it on the net. Good for you

I think telling him he had a small dick was unnecessary tbh.

I agree that you lost the moral high ground when you tried to humiliate him by publicly insulting the size of his member.

Croc are you and ilovesooty serious?

The small dick thing is a glaring faux pas in this case.

Imagine if the person the OP had felt the need to have a word with, in the name of feminism/anti misogyny, had been a woman ... and OP had finished off with ''... AND you've got small boobs''.

Yes I'm serious. Why shouldn't I be?
I agree that I don't think the OP did herself any favours by the way she dealt with this but I'd have challenged it from the point of view of a dissatisfied customer who felt that the premises had been brought into disrepute by permitting that kind of behaviour.

Even I would have rolled my eyes and ignored him. so there are dicks in the world? who knew?

yes what if he had said you had 'a big cunt' - ?

Misogynist!! you would have been shouting haha. Maybe you are a misandrist?

You see I don't see that this has to be a moral victory. Just standing up for yourself and your space sometimes requires a degree of aggression. The OP chose to use some aggression and that to me is OK. She confronted his arsehole behaviour using language he might understand.

true inkanta

I think that's what I'd call dragging yourself down to someone else's level.
Actually I'm intrigued by the OP. What does "I told DH and DBF to get going" mean?

I don't really agree Inkanta.

She objected to him using language that was sexually degrading to women, and instead of explaining why it was unacceptable she instead insulted him by using language that was sexually degrading to men.

Face palm.

I get the impression her intention was to shut him up - in the immediacy of the moment. She could have been passive, or assertive, but she chose to use aggression - as that probably felt most effective at the time. I sometimes think we try to be too adult about these things, when some situations require a sharp retort. Maybe more effective if you say it laughing.

So a bit like saying something racist to combat racism then? Or punching something to protest against violence?

Inkanta, being a hypocrite pretty much always devalues the point you are trying to make, no matter how valid your point may be.

You can't argue with stupid, but you don't have to be dragged down to the same level.