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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

for thinking my friend is BU to enforce strict routine on 3 week old?

174 replies

SandysMam · 26/02/2015 21:25

I have a friend who has a 3 week old DS. She is insistent that her DS follow a well known authors strict routine aimed at contentment and is getting frustrated that he won't play ball and sometimes cries and wakes her up at night!! He's 3 weeks old FFS, AIBU that she boils my piss and I feel sorry for her DS??

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 27/02/2015 11:57

Very few 3 week olds would sleep through the night without waking for a feed. They're tiny. If they wake up and cry they need to be fed/comforted. Surely that isn't some kind of lentil-weavy-hippy opinion - just common sense? Confused

dietcokeandwine · 27/02/2015 11:58

And to the poster who was severely tempted to punch their friend in the face for making a mistake, words fail me. What a lovely supportive friend you are Confused

fromparistoberlin73 · 27/02/2015 11:59

i stop being friends with someone after i heard heard her let her tiny baby cry for 20 minutes as it was not time for his feed

each to their own, but I could not stomach it and be a "fake" friend

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 27/02/2015 12:16

One of my friends did controlled crying with her 3 week old baby to get him to go to sleep in the evening, because "me and DH aren't getting any time together" Shock

She told me that her DS cried for an hour with her going into the room every few minutes but not picking him up and not making eye contact.

Too right I judged her for that.

I'm all for everyone does things differently and we're all learning as we go but controlled crying at 3 weeks?!?!

bumbleymummy · 27/02/2015 12:21

Shock What is wrong with some people?

squizita · 27/02/2015 12:23

When I see debates like this it reminds me of this article (on a breastfeeding website but not about milk). www.thebadassbreastfeeder.com/i-love-my-baby-more-than-you-love-your-baby/

Online there are so often people who give very strong opinions and trigger guilt. Being very dedicated to one way of parenting doesn't make all other ways harmful.

My pet hate is over use of the word "neglect" and "child abuse" from fellow hippy breast n sling types. I've worked with neglected/abused kids. Now I'm really not into sleep training ... but ffs abuse it ain't. Slinging the term around helps no one.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 12:24

I wouldn't judge someone for an hour of crying.

My babies sometimes cried for more than an hour and I didn't know what to do to make them stop.

Thurlow · 27/02/2015 12:24

To those who say they judged their friends for doing CC at a young age, or leaving the baby to cry for half an hour because it wasn't quite feed time - weren't you tempted to actually try and support your friend at all? Shock

I didn't know a bloody thing about babies when DD was born. I'd been on MN and had been greeted by a raft of opinions mainly saying don't read the books, just do what you feel is best.

But as I said, I didn't know a thing. I didn't know how regularly babies fed. I didn't know how much they should sleep (or equally that they generally need help to sleep). I was the first of my friends to have a baby, I didn't have babies within the family. You have half-formed ideas in your head: sure, babies wake in the night - but how often? Sure, they eat regularly - but how much, and how often?

And so for the first few weeks, DD and I were both an absolute state because neither of us had a clue what was going on.

And the I attempted to keep her in a wrap next to me like all the currently popular guides said and she turned into a demon baby as she hated it that much Grin

So a new mum of a few week old baby who is expecting them to wait until on the dot of a minute to feed, or not to wake up 4 times a night, probably just doesn't know what babies normally do. She's found one guide, which clearly isn't suiting her baby.

But instead of being supported, being shown other guides, being told about other babies needs and wants at the same age - nope, she gets judged. Because apparently being in possession of ovaries means that you are born with an innate, magical knowledge of exactly what babies require.

Way to be supportive and helpful Hmm

Sorry, but the whole instinct thing really fucks me off. If you're not allowed to read any books about raising a baby because they are all apparently wrong, how the hell are you supposed to learn how to care about a baby when you have no experience of one?

SandysMam · 27/02/2015 12:25

Thanks for your views everyone, I don't have any kids myself so got no experience. I have been feeling sorry for friends DS as she seems to be overly irritated by him when he cries or when he doesn't sleep long stretches and I find it hard to believe she genuinely thought he would just fit into her life and seems cross that he has not HOWEVER reading these posts makes me think she might actually be showing signs of PND and that maybe is not as in control as she seems...so I will support her and put my boiling piss on the back burner for a bit (simmer simmer). Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Heels99 · 27/02/2015 12:26

The book 's very helpful but show her the bits where it says always feed a hungry baby and not suitable for new borns. She must have skipped those bits....

AndThenISaid · 27/02/2015 12:27

My SIl did the 'Contented baby' routine from 3 weks with all her 4 .They are mostly teenagers now, doesn't seem to have done them any harm.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 12:38

You don't have any childre yourself?! Grin

You big eejit - you have no idea.

Well, at least you recognise that now. :)

Some things she might find useful

  • make extra dinner when you cook and bring it over so she has just pop it in the oven when she finds time to eat
  • bring wine and go and have fun with her
  • do the hoovering/sweeping
  • hold the baby while she showers
  • let her moan/cry - a new baby is like a bomb going off in the middle of your life.

If you can be there for her, she will be forever grateful :)

Jackieharris · 27/02/2015 12:51

Oh ffs you don't even have DCs yourself!

StarCrash · 27/02/2015 13:04

I nearly spat my tea out when I read that you don't have any kids yourself. You.Dont.Have.A.Clue
Come back and judge when you are 3 weeks post partum.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 27/02/2015 14:02

So what if she is only 3 weeks PP? I've had newborns myself, yes it's a difficult time but I've never left a hungry baby to cry.

Knowingly and willingly leaving a tiny or any baby to cry alone and HUNGRY is child abuse. Gina Ford (who incidentally, also has no children) is a fucking lunatic and so is anyone else who would do this to their babies.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 27/02/2015 14:06

I nearly spat my tea out when I read that you don't have any kids yourself. You.Dont.Have.A.Clue

Does this apply to Gina Ford too then?

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 14:26

Knowingly and willingly leaving a tiny or any baby to cry alone and HUNGRY is child abuse.

Nonsense.

Here are just a few of the reasons I have left my hungry babies to cry:

  • unable to use legs after C section
  • sudden overwhelming urge to shit after C section, combined with constipation
  • other child has meltdown/needs nappy changed/needs to be fed/needs to be brought to school
  • driving in car with no safe place to stop for many miles
  • in shop with baby, toddler, and pre-schooler, can't find locked room for breastfeeding

Despite all this horrible and regular abuse, my children are somehow thriving.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 27/02/2015 14:30

Yes, but that's why I said knowingly and willingly. Not as a last resort because you had to shit.

To sit in the next room listening to a tiny baby crying because it's hungry, but there's still 45 mins to go until feed time, is totally different.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 27/02/2015 14:32

ps. after 2 sections I can honestly day that number 2 how ironic on your list was one of the worst parts of it!

Bogeyface · 27/02/2015 14:42

I dont see why the OP not having any children is relevant. If the friend is following a routine that a) isnt suitable a baby that age and b) clearly isnt working for mother or child, then yes she should be concerned.

And how insulting to a her to say she has no idea! It seems like she has more of an idea what an upheaval a child is than her friend who actually has one!

StarCrash · 27/02/2015 14:42

FFS GF does not state ANYWHERE that you should leave a baby crying for 45 mins if hungry. If a parent is doing that then they haven't read the book properly. I know I couldn't leave my baby crying for 45 mins in another room - it would make my brain explode of starters.
Also, while I'm making that point, she doesn't assume that babies should sleep through the night before they are ready, and that you should use CIO or leave them if hungry in the night.

yes I know GF doesn't have kids, but she isn't going around slagging ANYONE off and judging their parenting choices. She offers help and support to parents who choose to follow get advice. My reference is to the op who seems to think it's all so easy, when she has no experience herself.

One more thing - why is it always the assumption that a baby is crying because it is hungry?! Babies cry for many reasons, hunger is just one of them.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 14:46

It's relevant because she was being really nasty and judgmental about a woman going through an incredibly intense and quite traumatic (for some) experience that she hasn't been through.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 27/02/2015 14:46

If you're not letting a newborn fees on demand, then yes, it will be hungry. Very simple.

StarCrash · 27/02/2015 14:47

She has no idea - she has no idea what it is like to be 3w post partum, sleep deprived, desperate, at her wits end, confused, emotional, a failure, stressed, trying to do what's best.... I could go on. It's not an insult, it's a fact.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 27/02/2015 14:49

But therefore by your logic GF also has 'no idea.'

Hmm?