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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for thinking my friend is BU to enforce strict routine on 3 week old?

174 replies

SandysMam · 26/02/2015 21:25

I have a friend who has a 3 week old DS. She is insistent that her DS follow a well known authors strict routine aimed at contentment and is getting frustrated that he won't play ball and sometimes cries and wakes her up at night!! He's 3 weeks old FFS, AIBU that she boils my piss and I feel sorry for her DS??

OP posts:
Handsoff7 · 27/02/2015 07:52

YABU, routines work for some people and some babies.

It is frustrating to be woken multiple times a night (though normal) and a bit of sympathy and support for you friend would be better than to post here judging her.

All babies in NICU are on a 2 or 3 hour pattern regardless of what the parent wants. Does that boil your piss too?

lem73 · 27/02/2015 07:55

I don't think it's any of your business.

abear · 27/02/2015 08:04

You could suggest she uses it more as a guide and then inject a huge amount of common sense to tailor it better. I roughly followed this book but more on the basis that I could see that if the baby was awake for x number of hours during the day then hopefully they would sleep for x number of hours at night. I think the bedtime routine for example worked for me but to follow it religiously would be miserable. I remember being in a park one sunny summer afternoon and it all just clearing out in one go, as if the whole place was full of 'contented' parents who couldn't just enjoy the beautiful day and had to get beck because the book had told them too - made me laugh.

LittleRedDinosaur · 27/02/2015 08:17

Hmmm. A friend of mine did this and refused to be flexible to the extent that we all had to fit into her arsing routine. She wouldn't leave the house and everything had to be scheduled around her baby even though we all had our own babies. Totally annoying. Baby got it eventually though and slept really well.
Personally I'd struggle to do something which goes so against instinct but each to their own and all that.
Don't see whys wrong with a little vent on here though

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 08:27

I think if you need to "vent" about a new mother with a 3 week old baby who is struggling, then you need to cop yourself on.

MN is for supporting parents, not saying they boil your piss and you feel sorry for their children just because they aren't figuring things out as well as you think you did.

Rigidity in new mothers often comes from pure terror. I have seen friends sticking to things (not necessarily from books, can be midwife advice, mother advice, MN wisdom) that are clearly (to someone experienced and not completely brain scrambled) being misinterpreted or misapplied.

They stick to them like a superstition - "If I keep doing this, everything will be OK" - because they are completly out of their depth and holding on like it's a buoyancy aid.

I know how much people enjoy giving vent to their self-righteousness when it comes to other mothers and routines, but really the very least womankind can do for each other is call off the attack dogs when someone has only been a mother for 3 weeks.

nemo81 · 27/02/2015 08:35

I'm a fan of routine BUT when it comes to my newborn i feed when they are hungry and they sleep when they are tired. My newborns have always ended up slotting into the routine in their own time.

NancyRaygun · 27/02/2015 09:14

Rigidity in new mothers often comes from pure terror

yes, exactly. I know it did for me.

fatlazymummy · 27/02/2015 09:15

YABU. It's up to her how she looks after her own baby.
I didn't read any books but I did follow a routine with all my babies (not too strict though), more or less from birth. They were all happy and contented, and apart from the odd bad day or night, I was too. If I was having another baby today I would do pretty much the same routine.

TheIronGnome · 27/02/2015 09:31

There's nothing wrong with a bit of routine- many babies thrive on it. 3 weeks is too young though, 6 weeks really is the minimum that GF suggests.

Plarail123 · 27/02/2015 09:47

YABU it is none of your business. You don't sound like a very supportive friend. I feel sorry for your friend.

QuintessentiallyInShade · 27/02/2015 09:57

I have never understood what pot to use to boil piss.

The milk pan? Or the kettle?

Charlotte3333 · 27/02/2015 10:06

I think as a mew Mum you're willing to try anything to get a bit of control back. Loads of friends have followed GF, some with success, some without. I did the Sears route and one of mine is a fabulous sleeper, the other is the Margaret Thatcher of the toddler world and can get by on 4 hours a night. Horses for courses.

I agree that you need to go over with wine and a takeaway, let her go for a 2 hour bath and you deal with baby while she has a tiny bit of time to herself. That's friendship. Not getting folk on MN to bitch about a mad baby manual.

anya79 · 27/02/2015 10:08

Op i think you are exaggerating what 3 wk old plays ball? It's understandable shes cranky with the baby disturbing her sleep. Sleep deprivation is the worst part of having a newborn. with my last child i was getting 2 hrs of sleep this went on for 2 months. If i had no routine i would have gone crazy.Any midwife will tell you routine is good it may not always go to plan or by the minute but after several months it does make life easier.

I had trouble with a routine for my first born he had colic and eczema made matters worse. But after 2 months i was getting naps and he would nap and feed at set times i finally became sane again. I was so depressed i didnt leave the house before this.

I would say give her some slack she will soon realise the baby will not feed bang on the times on her schedule but the routine method can work i did it with all 4 of my kids.

My sister's friend has no routine shes always complaininvno time to shower cook or clean. But if u mention implementing a rough routine to make life easier she refuses to listen. So i say routine or no routine leave the parents to decide as long as the baby is well looked after its no ones business is it?

anya79 · 27/02/2015 10:12

I agree with charlotte.btw if a person who claimed to be your friend was talking about you critically to a mass of strangers how would you feel? Lets just say id have one less friend i dont need friends bitching about me .why dont you speak to her instead and if she doesnt listen leave her be the child is not being tortured

notonly · 27/02/2015 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostyslovesheep · 27/02/2015 10:16

yabu

it's her choice and maybe you need to poke your nose out

it may work for her - and that book does NOT suggest leaving tiny babies to cry or starve btw - I used it with my first - it worked well for her

I followed a vague version with my other two - it worked for them

I found the whole 'listen your instincts' or 'learn your babies cry' more stressful because I had no instincts and I couldn't tell the difference and I felt like a terrible mum!

just let her do what works for them and you do what works for you x

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/02/2015 10:17

Yabu,its not your business.
Fwiw I (selectively) used some of she-who-must-not-be-named-techniques,and very helpful they were too.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 10:23

Yes, the shrill demands that you listen to instincts you don't appear to have and your baby's indecipherable demands is just another form of pressure.

Not everyone has a baby and immediately knows what to do and how to respond to them.

At least GF (or any other "guru") doesn't make you feel like an inadequate mother for not having a Scooby what's going on.

HoneyIsBeePoo · 27/02/2015 10:38

Someone I know let their 6 week old cry through the night; when she checked in the morning the baby had puked everywhere then fallen asleep in it, crying. Took all my strength not to punch her right in the face.
That said, someone who is so desperately following a routine is probably clinging on for dear life. please go round, give her a massive cuddle, let her cry on you if she wants to then send her to bed for a few hours.

Jackieharris · 27/02/2015 10:50

Baby care trends are always changing.

The very baby centric style that's in vogue atm will probably be scorned at by our DDs when they are mums.

Live and let live.

I had 1 DC on gf and one not. The gf one was a much easier baby!

But we can never really know if any of these different techniques has a long term impact.

Accusing mums (it's never dad's getting the flack is it?) who do cc of 'abuse' is offensive to people who have actually experienced abuse or witnessed it professionally.

There are 'bad' parents out there but it's got nothing to do with gf or cc.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2015 11:00

Someone I know let their 6 week old cry through the night; when she checked in the morning the baby had puked everywhere then fallen asleep in it, crying.

Shock

How?

Little babies crying makes you insane. Couldn't she hear?

Fucking hell.

The thing that kept me going was something I read on MN "babies cry".

Instead of freaking out, I tried to just focus on the fact that crying wasn't some disaster and sign of doom, it was just what babies did.

It really helped.

MsMittens · 27/02/2015 11:06

YABU - her child and her decision about how she chooses to parent them provided there is no abuse or neglect (which does not sound like the case here). As her friend you are there to support her, this does mean you can offer your point of view and advice if asked but ultimately you should respect her parents decisions.

Thurlow · 27/02/2015 11:40

Babies haven't the book

Nope. The baby hasn't read Gina Ford or Tracey Hogg.

It also hasn't read any of the books on baby wearing or attachment parenting.

Listen to your instincts

If you've never had any real experience with babies then.... um, what instincts?

At 3 weeks post birth, if she's reaching for a guide book and attempting a routine then the odds are she's struggling and she isn't happy with just whinging it. A little support from people close to her wouldn't go amiss.

Some babies genuinely prefer to have some structure and routine. Some don't like waiting until they realise they are absolutely starving or so tired they just scream, some prefer to have food offered or be encouraged to sleep regularly.

Slavishly sticking to a routine or parenting style that makes you or your baby unhappy is not the best idea, which can be the real and practical problem with some of the tighter routines such as GF. But equally, sticking to a baby-led or attachment parenting structure when your baby is clearly unhappy with it is not the best idea either.

I could have read every book about co-sleeping, attachment parenting and baby-led feeding and been adamant that was what I wanted to do, but that wasn't what my particular baby wanted to do.

bumbleymummy · 27/02/2015 11:41

YANBU :(

dietcokeandwine · 27/02/2015 11:54

Y y to whoever said baby care trends will change. Makes me smile to think of mumsnet in the next generation, populated by our DDs and ddils going 'i mean my mum/mil just says to follow the baby's lead, how bloody stupid is that?!' Grin

The thing is, any kind of baby care 'manual' (whether a GF one or the attachment parenting variety) is potentially damaging and harmful to a new mother's self esteem. I read the 'Three in a Bed' book, as well as GF, and Deborah Jackson made me feel utterly depressed and useless. Because I am not that kind of instinctive go-with-your-baby type at all. The AP baby wearing co sleeping brigade will cause just as much stress to new mums as books about routine, imo.