to think i have been to easy going and have turned into a mug....

[ghostspirit]

i let my 17 year old have her boyfriend over when ever she likes and stay over when ever he wants. which is alot. i have work and yesterday daughter had college. her bf was meant to go to college in the afternoon so he was in the house on his own and was going to leave for college later. i got in from work at 3.30ish and he was still in bed. he said he had a good reason. his alarm was not set. he did not have to leave till 12pm. no college for either of them today. kitchen bit of a mess so i asked 17 year old to clean it said i wanted it spotless she said ok. got home the kitchen just looked slap dashed. asked daughter about it she said oh bf helped me. so i said if there are 2 of you doing it all the more reason it should be better. oh and her bf was in bed again when i got home. although he was dressed. daughter said he was just in bed watching tv but has been up. but im fed up with coming home to him in bed and the curtains all shut and lights of and place gloomy and dark... not my bedroom so maybe nothing to do with me really. also he is not my kid so him staying in bed dossing about is it even anything to do with me...

im 31 weeks pregnant and time i have got home from work im in alot of pain i feel like crying and i can hardly walk. my back and hip/legs really hurt and i get strong braxton hicks and i get rather breathless. so i have asked the kids to help out a bit more go the extra mile just do something to be kind just to help a bit. daughter says but you dont ask (i do) but i get met with YES I KNOW I KNOW YES I KNOW... if i do. if she is tidying the kitchen and the is a bit of rubbish on the floor in the door way she wont pick it up because its not her job to because its not the actual kitchen.

shes basicly going to college mon/tues. and then staying in bed rest of the week get up in the afternoon slap dashed the kitchen and gets the kids from school for me 3 days a week. as i said i allow her bf to stay. he eats in the house as well which i really do notice.. she also gets her phone contract paid. get 10 pounds a week in cash. and extra if there is a good reason for it. example i gave her 70 pounds so she can do something for valentines. couple days before that 20 pounds for cinema. and couple weeks will be one year shes been with bf so she will want money then as well.

although she gets the kids and slap dashes the kitchen i dont feel she gives much in return. i feel the bf is taking the piss as well.

in blunt i just want daughter to get butt, out of bed clean kitchen get kids from school.

If she's doing just 2days at college make her get a job. What does the bf do?

She needs to get a job certainly, and the boyfriend also needs to stop taking the piss. I was only a year older than her when I left home and was responsible for a home of my own.

Try showing her exactly how you want the kitchen to be done then she has no excuse. Speak to the boy's parents. If he doesn't want to contribute to the household regarding food, then they either have to pay for him (if he's making a dent in your food bill then they're surely saving) or have your daughter at their place for an equal amount of nights.

Her boyfriend spends all his time dossing about in YOUR HOUSE and you say it's nothing to do with you? And you give them money too? Sorry OP but yes, you have turned into a mug!

REALLY !!!!! You really have to ask if Yabu to put up with this !

Bf gets shown the door, no more staying .

Dd gets a part time job .

You take charge in your own home.

You have allowed this situation to happen. If you are waiting for this lazy pair of individuals to show some care and compassion you will wait a very long time !!!!!!

Cleaning rota! Part time job! Things need to change! If they don't like it they can doss at his parent's

Oh ! And shut the 'bank' down.

If you can afford to hand money out right, left and centre, buy some help in the form of child care, a cleaner, someone to do the ironing or whatever would make your life easier.

At the moment you have MUG tattooed on your forehead!

You need to work out what you will and won't tolerate. It sounds like you have been a bit wishy washy (sorry ) How about a meeting, with an agenda and minutes. Sit down with your DD and work out the rules.

It sounds like you might be giving the impression that you are ok with things when you aren't.

I like my DCs partners but I wouldn't want them hanging around the house all the time especially if I was pregnant.

If you want her to start helping more then stop giving her money for nothing. Pay her the rate she would get in a proper job at her age for the time she's doing things for you like collecting your children or cleaning up after anyone other than herself in the kitchen, and let her learn the value of money.

She's already shown you she's not going to learn her lesson the easy way, so you'll have to do it the hard way.

And I'm sure that really you want more for her than two days a week at college, a bit of kitchen cleaning and a couple of school runs. If she's not motivated herself to do better, then she'll have to realise that it's not a choice because she has to pay her way in life.

the bf works twice a week and gos to college couple times a week. but college has been slacking lately so im not sure whats happening with that. I have been encouraging daughter to get a job. but her cv is crap as in the way its written. its to much in a nut shell. told daughter it needs to be inhanced a bit and she needs more detales. but she knows everything and applys for jobs with the cv she has. there was a shop going it was only 1 day a week. and she would get 25 pounds she said thats not good enough. i could not get her to understand it was a foot in the door and puts 25 pounds in her pocket and she can build up from there.

she knows how the kitchen needs to be done she has done it before when we have tidy up days.

yes the boyfriend food thing. im finding that hard to deal with because i dont want to say to him you cant eat and i feel bad asking for money towards food also would that make him think it give him more right to eat even more :/ his portion sizes are bigger than everyone elses as well. our food would be one chicken breast and what ever we are having with it. his would have to be 2 chicken breast plus whats going with it. cerial is double portion. i just messed up dinner a min ago i done chicken with pasta. there are 6 of us but was not enough chicken i diced it all and shared it. and because i felt bad i ended up with same size portion as my 4 year old.

ask him/his mum to contribute in some way that would be a shock if she did. she constantly moans about money and not having food and having to go food bank. i know she gets quite a bit of money but it gos on gambling and fags....

i (think) it is more to do with the portion sizes. because if she had her female friend stay here for a week and i was to feed her i would not notice to much because she eats less she would eat simlar portions to what we all do. i guess i feel like im feeding 2 extra people rather than one. but the portions might be normal because hes and 18 year old and eats men portion sizes... i dont know :/

thank you guys that sounds great :) a meeting sounds good as well. but do i include the boyfriend in that? and your right his parents would not let her stay like he does here... i think at the time i thought it does not bother me does not effect me really but as time has gone on i think its become a bit of a piss take.

you know i would not mind if daughter and him gave a bit in return just to be kind. ie mum we cooked dinner or we done a couple of washes for you.

because i have been struggling a bit lately. im thinking about doing a food shopping getting all i need and doing cooking meals and freezing them and then putting do not touch lables all over them. so i know im ok for main meals and food hopefully wont vanish and find myself short

Then why are you giving him more?! Just stop! He has no right to ask for more, and if he does, show him where the door is. Entitled sod.

How much of what is written in your last post is your problem.

Your Dd wants money? Then she gets her CV up to scratch and looks for a job. It's not going to pay £££'s but she has to start somewhere and you should be pointing out this is the real world not fairyland.

The Bf eats too much because you allow him to take advantage of you. Tell him the free cafe is closed . Where else can you eat for free? If he knows somewhere, then he can go there !

His mothers financial situation is absolutely nothing to do with you .

I'm sorry but you are just making excuses for them .

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT .

Who will get the DCs from school if DD starts a job?

No harm in saying you only want Bf on, say weekends and not through the week because it's annoying having someone slobbing in bed when you have to work.

They might do a bit more if you show a bit of backbone and make a stand.

skin not making excuses just giving more detale and the more i have written and along with the replys i can see im being a proper mug.

i cant help daughter with her cv i dont mind doing that. but she will have to sort out the spelling and grammar. it would look worse if it was down to me. also i finish work at easter so alot of things i will do myself like getting the kids and stuff. so she wont be getting that money. and i also wont give her top up money for special times. like whats been said im handing it out on a plate really and she has not reason to get a job

moniker i stop work in 4 weeks. so i will do all of the school run. im of for 39 weeks. i will sort something after that.

yeah i defo need to put my foot down

Boyfriend only staying over on weekends sounds fair to me - I would try that. It is hard to have an extra person there all the time, and you certainly don't want that once you're at home with a newborn. Put your foot down!

Your DD could see a career advisor or similar at a Job Centre for help with her CV?

kent he works the weekends. but yes i could be cut down to couple times a week. then she can stay at his a couple times aweek if his mum allows it. if not hard cheeses still only staying here twice.

i can look into the career advicer thing thats a good idea. it would be written up much better as well. my typing/spelling/grammr gets no better than you can see here and that wont look good. i think a career advicer could propably help with better wording and jazz it up a bit and hopefully enourage her to go a better/positive route

I think your DD is taking a lot for granted. From her point of view I suspect she doesn't like to be given too much responsibility for her younger siblings which as they are your DCs not hers is only fair. But if she plus one are living under your roof she needs to step up.

Fair enough it's nice to have a good relationship with your DD's boyfriend, it sounds as if you have taken him under your wing. As he is more often at your place than at his parents' you shouldn't feel bad about asking him to pitch in with chores. If he is staying long term I don't see how you can avoid discussing money at some point. I don't rate your chances of batch cooking and keeping handy meals in the freezer if DD's boyfriend has a big appetite.

Can you sit them both down together and talk like adults, she might as well have it spelled out after Easter when you stop work you won't be giving her cash so the sooner she gets career advice the better.

I was going to say your situation sounds familiar so wonder if you have posted before? Not that it matters but please find a way of tackling this before your baby arrives.

Where is your baby's father in all this, have I missed it?

Bleeding heart here. If his Mum isn't feeding him, that could be part of the problem...

hes not intrested minty

mrsterry if he stays here of course hes going to want to eat. the children (his siblings) all look fed. i dont know how much he eats at home. i know there are issues at home where daughter's bf money gos missing from his house. things have been sold in the house as well. i think its linked with the gambling. i have been approached for money as well but i have always said no

but I'm asking because I want to know if he ever cleans the kitchen, or if he makes decisions about your dd's boyfriend staying over?

I would address the food issue sooner rather than later. Teen boys can eat an amazing amount of food. I'd simply tell them that your food costs have gone up and that you would like them to contribute. It's better to tell them honestly as they probably don't realise it's a problem.

Do either of them smoke or drink?

If your daughter isn't 18 she can't access the National Careers Service but I assume her college has a careers adviser.
Tell her to get an appointment there and get her CV sorted out and start applying for work.
No more money unless paid as a result of household tasks properly completed.
And no more free food for the boyfriend who is disrespecting your household. Work out the financial contribution you need and insist it's paid.
It sounds as though they've decided you're a pushover and are behaving accordingly.

It's a tough one as it sounds like his home isn't very great from your description.

I would definitely start with a meeting with dd and bf about setting some ground rules i.e. they have to be out of bed by 11am, no going back to bed.

You need to explain your struggling financially, I say this to my 6 year old but guess your dd doesn't realise if your handing over £70 and £20 for her leisure.

Tell them that certain food is out of bounds in the fridge and freezer as you have meal plans. My mum always kept a couple of shelves in fridge and freezer that were specifically for meals and lunches and we knew not to touch this food.

Don't be giving him two chicken breasts just bulk up his plate with extra spuds or pasta. If he is still hungry tell him he can have cereal.