to think i have been to easy going and have turned into a mug....

[ghostspirit]

i let my 17 year old have her boyfriend over when ever she likes and stay over when ever he wants. which is alot. i have work and yesterday daughter had college. her bf was meant to go to college in the afternoon so he was in the house on his own and was going to leave for college later. i got in from work at 3.30ish and he was still in bed. he said he had a good reason. his alarm was not set. he did not have to leave till 12pm. no college for either of them today. kitchen bit of a mess so i asked 17 year old to clean it said i wanted it spotless she said ok. got home the kitchen just looked slap dashed. asked daughter about it she said oh bf helped me. so i said if there are 2 of you doing it all the more reason it should be better. oh and her bf was in bed again when i got home. although he was dressed. daughter said he was just in bed watching tv but has been up. but im fed up with coming home to him in bed and the curtains all shut and lights of and place gloomy and dark... not my bedroom so maybe nothing to do with me really. also he is not my kid so him staying in bed dossing about is it even anything to do with me...

im 31 weeks pregnant and time i have got home from work im in alot of pain i feel like crying and i can hardly walk. my back and hip/legs really hurt and i get strong braxton hicks and i get rather breathless. so i have asked the kids to help out a bit more go the extra mile just do something to be kind just to help a bit. daughter says but you dont ask (i do) but i get met with YES I KNOW I KNOW YES I KNOW... if i do. if she is tidying the kitchen and the is a bit of rubbish on the floor in the door way she wont pick it up because its not her job to because its not the actual kitchen.

shes basicly going to college mon/tues. and then staying in bed rest of the week get up in the afternoon slap dashed the kitchen and gets the kids from school for me 3 days a week. as i said i allow her bf to stay. he eats in the house as well which i really do notice.. she also gets her phone contract paid. get 10 pounds a week in cash. and extra if there is a good reason for it. example i gave her 70 pounds so she can do something for valentines. couple days before that 20 pounds for cinema. and couple weeks will be one year shes been with bf so she will want money then as well.

although she gets the kids and slap dashes the kitchen i dont feel she gives much in return. i feel the bf is taking the piss as well.

in blunt i just want daughter to get butt, out of bed clean kitchen get kids from school.

I know I don't know him so I may be way out of order here, but I hope he's not drifting into a serious relationship with your dd because he's enjoying the cosy home life she has. Going home in a strop because you are imposing rules, does sound like he's using her a bit. I hope I'm way off base

faux thats the impression i got. but i was in bed at the time. he had to be up for college. and he has told daughter he does not like the way i wake him. so it might be both i was going to nag him out of bed to go college or nag him to get up and not stay in bed all day. so he was in a no win situation in his mind... oh well.

faux the realationship seemed deeper a couple of weeks ago. it seems a but distant right this min.

i wont let him stay sun/mon because daughter college. and then he does not want to stay for couple of days that he has college. then he works weekends. he used to come late after work but has not lately. so daughter asked him how they will get to see each other. he said he can always make time for her... not sure what that means.

and how he just left last night does not show much respect for her really. i think its just a case of me sticking to my rules and how they manage that is up to them. if a few basic rules upsets him/them that much then thats quote sad because they are very basic rules

Sounds like things are cooling because he is not getting his own way. Stick with your new rules and see how it all pans out

yes faux thats what im thinking. so just see how it gos. but i wont be backing down because they are very basic.

Sounds like he was more interested in the free food and a free bed for the night without any responsibility. Now he isn't getting a free ride, may be he is at home because it's suddenly cheaper and easier there.
He's a user. Your daughter will work it out for herself.

if that is the case middle your right she will find out for herself. i dont want to be part of that as such. as in if their relationship breaks down for what ever reason than i dont want to be accused of adding to that by making things difficult.

It isn't "making things difficult" to lay down some basic expectations.
You have a right to have your household treated with respect and the two of them are sulking because the days of him taking the piss have gone.

oh i agree sooty my rules will still stand no matter what they are very basic. there does not seem to be a single person on here that would allow what i have. and same gos for in real life. and my bitching coming out. all the time hes at college his mum is still getting his taxt credits/childbenefit. yet it was me feeding him.

You would not be being difficult if you established a few ground rules.

This teenager is either a guest in your home, in which case he has to abide by the widely accepted rules of respect and courtesy that all guests follow.

Or he is lodging in your home, if only for half the week, in which case you can ask for a financial contribution and for him to pull his weight around the house.

By waking him up, reminding him to go to college etc you seem to have taken up a parenting role with regard to your daughter's BF. You don't bear any responsibility towards him. The onus is entirely on him to behave in an acceptable way in your home.

Surely you don't still want this lazy and selfish teenager hanging around, causing you problems when your baby arrives?

Your daughter is one year away from adulthood, but instead of a nearly adult daughter, you have manager to acquire a lazy, rude teenage son. And you're about to have a baby! I realise this must be really difficult for you, but you've got every right to set new rules. I think everyone will be happier for it, with the possible exception of the boyfriend, but that's not your problem.

And if i hear the words once more i did not do it.. it was not me... im going to !!!!!!!

shit hit the fan last night. :( yesterday my 12 year old was of school due to school strike. 17 year old was at home as well. between them all they done was clean the kitchen. the 12 year old met me at homebase as i needed to get a few bits daughter done school run. she looked after them for an extra 45 mins because i was at home base. i can home living room looked like a bomb site. she said it was tidy but the kids have messed it up. it turns out she been in her room on her phone and not even supervising the kids.... i made them tidy the living room after alot of mouthing of. daughter went out. i got in bath. asked 12 year old would start on dinner. just through in the oven stuff he said he was tired..... i ended up crying because it got to much and i was fed up having to ague over every little thing.

got out of bath done a few bits 4 year old got in bath i came down stairs. i just sat down and 4 year old was mum mum mum. asked 12 year old can you see what she wants. do i have to oh do i have to. and started aguing with me. he done it in the end them i told him how fed up i was and how difficult im finding it and ended up crying again. i asked hin when he was lasr nice to me or done anythign without me having to have a moan.

i couple days ago i have told 17 year old in a carlm way that i need a bit of extra help. told her im up at 6.45 every morning to sort kids school run ect i then come home get ready for work, im at work in a busy kitchen i get home about 3.30. i get very tired and im often in alot of pain. but shes at college 2 days a week then at home... instead of saying she will do better than she is, she says why dont you take maternity early. so im thinking why should i just so that you can stay in bed and dont have to help.

also last night i told her until she starts helping out in a proper way and stops talking to me the way she does her boyfriend is not staying. now instead of saying she will try harder or she had not realised how much it was upsetting me. she starting going on about if her and her boyfriend break up it will be my fault and she will never forgive me. its very simple stuff you help me out as you should be stop talking to me like shit everytime i speak to you or ask you to do something and he can stay... nope she wants to ague it. how can she possibly think that telling me it would be my fault if her and bf broke up it would be my fault. yep very helpful....

Sorry ghost, I know you're pregnant and it's hard but in my opinion you're asking your kids to parent the other kids - the 17 year old and the 12 year old - start dinner? That's your job. Clean the kitchen? That's pretty much your job apart from expecting the odd chore to be done. See what the 4 year old wants? That's your job. These things are not the 12 year olds job. Baby no.4 is on it's way so too late to say it's one too many as you're not coping with the ones you've got but it's you that needs to be doing these things, not your kids.

Getting rid of the boyfriend staying is one positive step but you need to run your household, no matter that it's difficult being pregnant as that was your choice to have another not theirs.

Paying the oldest to do the odd thing in return for cash for mobile etc is fair enough but teens need cash. If it is too much for you going to work and looking after the current kids you have maybe you should go on maternity early as it's encroaching on the lives of your other kids, the ones already here.

Helping the family and doing some jobs fine but I think you're leaning on them too much. It's not their fault you're pregnant and finding it difficult. You're their mother and pretty much need to run the show with some set things for them to do but they don't need to see a mother that's not coping because she's decided to bring another baby into the house. They don't need a household that is chaotic because you allowed the oldest's boyfriend to overstay his welcome. You need to sort it out, not the kids. Things don't sound in control at all, but you're the one that needs to get into control as head of the household.

I disagree with the previous two posters. If the 17 year old is only a college two days a week I see no reason why she shouldn't help to run the household if she wants her boyfriend to stay over and she wants extra cash. To say it's her mother's fault if she and her boyfriend break up is horribly manipulative when her mother is only asking that the boyfriend treat the household with some respect.

no annie they are not being asked to do much at all. its about give and take and they take take take im not having it anymore.

Well I suppose I don't disagree that the OP needs to be in charge of the household but I still think the attitude of her 17 year old is indefensible.

Firstly, a big well done for telling dd thst if she wants the boyfriend to stay, she has to pull her weight. Don't be pressured into giving in or feel too hurt by what she said - 17 year olds are pretty self obsessed and can be selfish. She'll grow out if it. Her attitude is just proving that she is not mature enough to be living with a man in a proper grown up relationship!

Secondly, if she is going to college only 2 days a week, of course she needs to be helping out at home. The kitchen etc is probably only messy because she and the bf are loafing around at home all day. She is nearly grown up and if she wants to live at home, that means helping out. Especially given the amount of money she gets from you and her reluctance to get a little job. Letting her have no responsibility will not do her any favours.

I also often ask my 13 year old to see what his 7 year old sister wants if I am busy. That's normal in a family. I think being pregnant means it's fine to ask the kids for a bit of help. People whose kids are not taught empathy grow up to be selfish, entitled adults.

You are doing nothing wrong x

I agree she's 17 her attitude stinks, she wants to live at home for free and get paid for doing half a job. I phase moved out when I was at college and was pretty self sufficient at theat age, if my mum had been pregnant I would have helped and supported her.

She needs to change her attitude or move out.

I also disagree with annie

No they shouldn't be doing all the work but they should be doing some for free as they are members of a family and they are getting money for extra stuff. Tidying a kitchen, especially when most of it is their own mess, isn't a long or onerous task. Probably not much more than washing and drying up. I presume they weren't asked to get the ciff out and actually clean it , but even if they were, she's 17 ffs.

I don't think it's a case of putting the burden on the other children at all, so I disagree with previous posters.

It is absolutely about family pulling together and helping to keep the house going.

OP...it is about give and take, I think there is nothing wrong with the 17yr old helping out and getting paid for the jobs she does. As for the 12 yr old...well, it's not the first time I've asked my 12 yr old to start dinner for me if I'm busy or unwell and to see to what the 3yr old wants. He does it not because I'm putting too much on him, but because he recognises that it's a lot of work for mum to juggle everything. And he wants to help. He knows that of he helps out when I ask, I have more time to spend with everyone doing things we all enjoy.

I don't think the 12 year old is being asked to do anything unreasonable either. They're spitting their dummies out because the OP has asked too little of the two of them for too long. The 17 year old also needs to get it into her head that you don't talk to your mother like dirt and expect to have your boyfriend stay over.

I don't feel comfortable with you expecting the 17 year old to pick up your child from school everyday. The fact is she is 17, she's a young teenager and she shouldn't be having to look after your child.

You are pregnant because you chose to get pregnant, why are you taking it out on your 12 and 17 year old? crying because your 12 year old didn't want make dinner etc?

If that was my daughter, I would TELL her to get a part time because she cannot just laze around the house anymore. She be 18 soon and you need have a firm talk with her. The boyfriend...meh I would tell him to get lost.