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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think i have been to easy going and have turned into a mug....

114 replies

ghostspirit · 25/02/2015 17:32

i let my 17 year old have her boyfriend over when ever she likes and stay over when ever he wants. which is alot. i have work and yesterday daughter had college. her bf was meant to go to college in the afternoon so he was in the house on his own and was going to leave for college later. i got in from work at 3.30ish and he was still in bed. he said he had a good reason. his alarm was not set. he did not have to leave till 12pm. no college for either of them today. kitchen bit of a mess so i asked 17 year old to clean it said i wanted it spotless she said ok. got home the kitchen just looked slap dashed. asked daughter about it she said oh bf helped me. so i said if there are 2 of you doing it all the more reason it should be better. oh and her bf was in bed again when i got home. although he was dressed. daughter said he was just in bed watching tv but has been up. but im fed up with coming home to him in bed and the curtains all shut and lights of and place gloomy and dark... not my bedroom so maybe nothing to do with me really. also he is not my kid so him staying in bed dossing about is it even anything to do with me...

im 31 weeks pregnant and time i have got home from work im in alot of pain i feel like crying and i can hardly walk. my back and hip/legs really hurt and i get strong braxton hicks and i get rather breathless. so i have asked the kids to help out a bit more go the extra mile just do something to be kind just to help a bit. daughter says but you dont ask (i do) but i get met with YES I KNOW I KNOW YES I KNOW... if i do. if she is tidying the kitchen and the is a bit of rubbish on the floor in the door way she wont pick it up because its not her job to because its not the actual kitchen.

shes basicly going to college mon/tues. and then staying in bed rest of the week get up in the afternoon slap dashed the kitchen and gets the kids from school for me 3 days a week. as i said i allow her bf to stay. he eats in the house as well which i really do notice.. she also gets her phone contract paid. get 10 pounds a week in cash. and extra if there is a good reason for it. example i gave her 70 pounds so she can do something for valentines. couple days before that 20 pounds for cinema. and couple weeks will be one year shes been with bf so she will want money then as well.

although she gets the kids and slap dashes the kitchen i dont feel she gives much in return. i feel the bf is taking the piss as well.

in blunt i just want daughter to get butt, out of bed clean kitchen get kids from school.

OP posts:
breakingthebank · 26/02/2015 19:05

why don't you just say that to him then

Original poster
ghostspirit · 26/02/2015 19:09

breaking because i did not have it clear in my head until i made this thread. also my daughter wanted the chance to talk to him. without me doing that. ie she wanted to be the one to do it. to be honest though i think she has complicated it more than it needed to be and she has not worded it to well. but anyway he knows now so what he chooses to do with that is up to him

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 26/02/2015 20:49

but he WILL stay in bed all day.

If you don't want him staying in bed all day you have to chuck him out.

And what about the food?

You've got a baby on the way you don't want your DD's cocklodger to support as well.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 26/02/2015 21:06

cocklodger Grin haha.

well this is my thinking... he buys his own food, he gets his butt out of bed and helps out a bit as hes here so much. in general he does need to go home at least a couple times a week. i dont think its good for them to be in each others pockets. shes 17 hes 18. i think they need a bit of space now and then.

he just asked his parents whey she can hardly stay at theres. they said because dd and bf take over the tv. they both say thats not true. i said to dd well actually they dont have to have a reason. i said i let him stay here because i just do. but i could easy say no. and as im the only one who says yes then all the more reason you both need to show a bit of respect because if i stop it your both pooped.

dd has also been telling me how his dad stays in his room most of the time watching his tv and the bf has no space of his own.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 26/02/2015 21:08

Whatever his issues with his home life are they are not something you need to take on. I think I'd want to limit his stays to once a week and those would depend on your daughter pulling her weight round the house and getting her career path sorted out with a careers advisor.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 26/02/2015 21:17

yeah your right sooty. i wont be sucked into the family thing although it makes me feel bad for his situation. i have my own stuff/family things going on. and for all i know it might not even be like they say.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 18:00

oops think i have upset everyone. the bf has not been staying much lately. was going to stay last night. then i said no one is to be staying in bed all day.... so he left.

and daughter slapped dashed the kitchen today so i told her no one staying or coming in the house till its done.

and the younger ones have been told they dont get their stuff until they have helped out a bit. ie tidy your room you can have play station/tablet or what ever... no one is impressed but its working.

OP posts:
MetallicBeige · 04/03/2015 18:12

Good for you Ghost, hope it stays that way. Stick to your guns, if they see you mean business hopefully they'll (albeit reluctantly) slot into your regime and life will be a bit easier for you.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 18:18

hopefully... hope i dont slack either easy to fall back into.... :)

OP posts:
MsAspreyDiamonds · 04/03/2015 18:31

Charge him board since he spends most of his time at yours.

If he spends most of the time sleeping, does he get any college work done? Encourage your daughter to keep up to date with her work and drill home the message that she can't afford to fail.

Have a look on the guardian cv website for cv templates.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 20:20

diamonds i have said he needs to buy his own food. if its something that im cooking for everyone and its one of them dishes that go a long way then i dont mind him having some.

i dont know what hes doing about college work. he also dont like the way i wake him up for college in the morning. but i have tried all ways i have tried saying time to get up, you got college. Does not work. when he has college in the afternoon, i have just said good bye to him. when i leave for work told him make sure you go college. and i have done the shouting get up go to college lights on. and curtains open with all the light shining through and nagging like bianca style on eastenders. which is the same i do to my daughter.. but when it comes down to it hes not my kid so its a little different. although i can tell him hes not dosing in my house all day whilst no one is here.

anyway either way it seems better with my own kids. if the daughters boyfriend wants to play ball hes very welcome to :)

OP posts:
anothermakesthree · 04/03/2015 20:38

Where is the father of your soon to arrive baby in all of this? Can't he help by taking some of the load off you?

annielouise · 04/03/2015 20:44

Dear god, get him out! He's not your responsibility. Do not under any circumstances offer him a shelf in the fridge or freezer for his own food as that is inviting him to stay and live with you. At the moment he's still a guest. Don't invite him to get his feet under the table any more than he has.

Also, your 17 DD should not be dealing with men peeing on the fucking toilet seat at her age. That's crap you have when you're married living with someone if you're unfortunate, not at 17 with the world at your feet.

You gave your DD the courtesy to sort it out. Nothing is changing. He cannot stay in your house in bloody bed all day when you're not there! Absolutely no way. He's using up your resources - food, heating, space, personal energy, probably setting the tone of the mood of the house at times and it is not fair on your or the younger kids, or this new baby that's coming along.

The baby is your excuse to say enough is enough. You do not want him to get his act together as that means you've no excuse to get him out.

What I would allow is if they go out - cinema, friends, bite to eat etc - then if once a week he can stay over on a Friday or Saturday night on the proviso they are up by a reasonable time and once in a while he treats you all to a takeaway or something. That is how it should be done. Your DD must be getting fed up of him surely? This is not how she should be treated - she should be with a boy that has a future, who she has hobbies in common with that they do together, not sit in bloody bed all day.

And he's moaning about his 3 meals a day! He's a fucking cuckoo in your nest! Please put your foot down. There are better men out there for your DD and you as her mother need to show her that.

annielouise · 04/03/2015 20:48

ghost, you can't be trying to wake him up - that's not your job. But equally you shouldn't have to put up with it. When he's in college he can't stay the night before. Doesn't matter if he doesn't go. At least you don't have the hassle of getting him up (getting your own kids up is hard enough), and getting him out while you're out. He's got far too comfortable there and by offering him space in the cupboards and freezer you're making it easier for him to stay. You need to make it harder.

The baby is your excuse to get him out politely if you can't do it directly. You're too nice for your own good. He's got his feet under the table and he's treating your DD, who should have her pick at her age, like they're an old married couple and he doesn't need to bother. He needs to clean up his act and start acting like he values her, appreciates you, and has a future.

Please leave this open so he can see it, and your DD.

Fauxlivia · 04/03/2015 21:01

Ghost, I don't want to hurt your feelings because you are clearly a good and loving mum but I have to agree that you are not doing your dd any favours by letting him stay. She needs her own space - a sanctuary away from him to decide if he is the one for her. If he stays they are drifting into a grown up living together relationship that she hasn't had the freedom and space to decide if it's what she really wants.

I think he sounds like a lazy waster and I wouldn't want him anywhere near my dd. Honestly I think he should stay no more than once a week. He's not your responsibility and he will never get his arse out of bed when you are making his life so cosy.

Start by turfing him out of the house when you are not there. Cheeky bugger is acting like it's his house.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 21:27

makesthree im single.

The thing is i honestly did not mind him coming here staying when he and daughter wanted to. was not doing me any harm and gave daughter a bit of company. but it has become to much take and not enough give. so if there is a bit of giving then i dont mind. the food thing i do still think its a good idea for him to buy his own food. but anyway as i said he might not come up much now anyway because of the rules i have put down...

yes daughter has said she was fed up with him not getting up. but shes just as bad sometimes.

i dont really want to leave this open for them to see. this is just my sound of place and where i can get some other ways of thinking :)

OP posts:
Teasugarcoffee · 04/03/2015 21:28

I agree.
Get him out of your house.
Don't feed him.
Don't make any concessions at all.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 21:34

:( i dont want to be nasty. i dont hate him. just a bit of give and take.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 04/03/2015 21:40

Well done. Stick to what you said!

Teasugarcoffee · 04/03/2015 21:42

No. Don't allow him to keep food in your house, he doesn't live there. He can eat at his own home before/after he visits yours. You are simply blurring boundaries by giving him cupboard space.
There must be better ways for your daughter to find some company.

Teasugarcoffee · 04/03/2015 21:44

You don't need to be nasty, you need to reclaim your home.

Fauxlivia · 04/03/2015 21:45

It isnt about being nasty, more about doing right by your dd and not letting her drift into being lumbered with a man who might not be the right one for her. Give her the space to explore other options.

It would be good for him too - he's in a downward spiral and having to get up and do something with his life could he the making of him. Which eould be better for your dd too, if she stays with him.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 21:48

i have si far sooty and it does feel much better...

im not trying to drive him away on the whole hes not a bad kid/young adult. i dont think letting him keep a few bits in the freezer really matters.

i did feel bad for daughter last might though. it was about 11.30 when they said he was staying and i sent the message saying not to stay in bed all day. then he said he was going home. it really upset daughter. hes not stayed for a good few nights now....

OP posts:
Fauxlivia · 04/03/2015 21:50

Did he go home in a strop because you said he can't stay in bed all day?

Original poster
ghostspirit · 04/03/2015 21:51

oh yes faux its up to them when he stays not me. i dont allow him to stay on daughters college days because she messes about to much. and what they do the other times is up to them. but like i say hes not stayed for past few days. so maybe because i ahve put my foot down hes not liking it

OP posts: