to think i have been to easy going and have turned into a mug....

[ghostspirit]

i let my 17 year old have her boyfriend over when ever she likes and stay over when ever he wants. which is alot. i have work and yesterday daughter had college. her bf was meant to go to college in the afternoon so he was in the house on his own and was going to leave for college later. i got in from work at 3.30ish and he was still in bed. he said he had a good reason. his alarm was not set. he did not have to leave till 12pm. no college for either of them today. kitchen bit of a mess so i asked 17 year old to clean it said i wanted it spotless she said ok. got home the kitchen just looked slap dashed. asked daughter about it she said oh bf helped me. so i said if there are 2 of you doing it all the more reason it should be better. oh and her bf was in bed again when i got home. although he was dressed. daughter said he was just in bed watching tv but has been up. but im fed up with coming home to him in bed and the curtains all shut and lights of and place gloomy and dark... not my bedroom so maybe nothing to do with me really. also he is not my kid so him staying in bed dossing about is it even anything to do with me...

im 31 weeks pregnant and time i have got home from work im in alot of pain i feel like crying and i can hardly walk. my back and hip/legs really hurt and i get strong braxton hicks and i get rather breathless. so i have asked the kids to help out a bit more go the extra mile just do something to be kind just to help a bit. daughter says but you dont ask (i do) but i get met with YES I KNOW I KNOW YES I KNOW... if i do. if she is tidying the kitchen and the is a bit of rubbish on the floor in the door way she wont pick it up because its not her job to because its not the actual kitchen.

shes basicly going to college mon/tues. and then staying in bed rest of the week get up in the afternoon slap dashed the kitchen and gets the kids from school for me 3 days a week. as i said i allow her bf to stay. he eats in the house as well which i really do notice.. she also gets her phone contract paid. get 10 pounds a week in cash. and extra if there is a good reason for it. example i gave her 70 pounds so she can do something for valentines. couple days before that 20 pounds for cinema. and couple weeks will be one year shes been with bf so she will want money then as well.

although she gets the kids and slap dashes the kitchen i dont feel she gives much in return. i feel the bf is taking the piss as well.

in blunt i just want daughter to get butt, out of bed clean kitchen get kids from school.

poodle im not overly struggling money wise but it does pee me of when my food has always been ok and i know how far its going to stretch. only need for say one chicken breast to go walk abouts and then thats someone dinner messed up. last night they had dinner then went got their self takeaway whilst i had sat there with a plastic bowl for my dinner and a portion suited for a 4 year old... yeah thanks for that...

oh and yes maybe i do struggle a bit with money. partly my own doing. i make sure i have paid bills and food. then i just have about 20 in bank incase its needed. then i skint myself by buying things for the house because im trying to make it look better to chher it up a bit. but then at least i have something to show for it. its not so bad if its my own doing but not because of a knock on effect because of over eating....

but like someone else said hes an 18 year old teenager and its probably normal for him to eat that way.

either way im defo going to do some talking. sorry reply is bit of a mix... feeling rather tired

sorry minty i had meant hes not around. im single

Not surprising you're tired, you're 31 weeks pregnant, not eating properly and worrying about all this.

Lots of posters have already given you fabulous advice - show some tough love and put it into practice. DD gets a job, her boyfriend can't stay/eat unless he follows your house rules, cleans up properly and also makes some financial contribution.

oh and someone said making sure they are up by 11am at latest i think thats more than fair. but im not here so i can tell them i want them up till im blue in the face but im at work by then. but that can change onece i finish work of course in the mean time i tell them i want them up but i dont know if they are

limer im actually thinking i might ask him to buy his own food and lable it or have his own draw in the freezer. because im thinking if i ask for x amount a week from him towards food he might think that means he can just help himself even more then i will have even less food.

i feel more upset in some ways about not getting much understanding/empathy from them. sometimes i really am in alot of pain and it makes me want to cry and i feel sort of churned up. because i know when i explain this to them i will get the typical teenage responce. the what ever. or the why are you sleeping. the other day my daughter told me im not heavely pregnant :/ or general whats wrong with you but said with attitude. but if its one of their mates its all empathy and understanding. but on the other hand i know its typical teenage responce would just be nice if they were nice to me now and then. i cant remember the last time they d done something just to be nice.... sorry went in to rant mode. but im defo going to sort it i have to or its only going to get worse

What about telling your daughter to get that CV sorted and only giving her money for jobs she has actually done?
Did you challenge the fact that they went out for a takeaway after leaving you short of food?
Their behaviour is appalling and from what I've read the whole family except for the youngest is utterly disrespectful. You've posted before about the whining and moaning when you try to get them to pull their weight in the house. Unless you challenge that a lot more robustly their attitudes aren't going to change.

i know sooty i think what i do is rant a bit it changes for a day then gos back. i have not said a word about the take away. to be honest i dont even know if they know i was short. so my fault really. its just automatic to put the kids before myself. and although he is not my kid and hes 18 so practically adult i still see him as a kid.

I have spoken to them this morning told them i want the washing sorted out. because it was my daughter that messed it up in the first place. ie over loaded dryer so it cant dry as it should. then the alarm went off because the water part needed to be emptied and she just turns of the machine and i end up with damp washing so now it all needs rewashing and drying so thats what she is meant to do today.

i have told her i want them out of bed and im not having the pee taking. but once i go to work what can i do?

i have told her to get CV sorted, but she knows everything.... maybe i can give her some bullet points or soemthing look some stuff up on the internet. dont know. she has got better with college. shes on her level 2 i asked if shes going to do level 3 she says shes not sure. but then does she not need level 3 for it to mean anything? im not sure just seems a waste of time if shes not going to do level 3 as i think level 3 means she can find work. i think anyway not sure

Tell her there will be no money from you until she has attended an appointment with her college careers adviser for a CV review and a learning action plan for next year. If necessary attend with her to make sure it happens and to get informed about the level 3 and making the right decision for her future.
And I'm sure she'll be more co operative if you ensure she does jobs before getting any money.
And I think you need to be talking about that takeaway and their selfishness

You gave dd £70 for a valentines date, but now can't afford to feed yourself and your unborn child properly?

you know that's ridiculous.

cut off the free cash and she'll soon have to get a job

i have told her i want them out of bed and im not having the pee taking. but once i go to work what can i do

Well, you can get the rule working properly now and if you find out they aren't sticking to it (now or once at work) stop him staying over.

He sounds lazy do you really want this lad for your DD long term, because you are encouraging the relationship, making it seem ok to be idle. Personally I wouldn't discourage it but I wouldn't almost push them into being together all the time (doing nothing of use).

It sounds like your talks are too general. I'd do a written list - it will help you clarify what you actually want them to do as well as helping them understand what it is.

I think asking him to buy his own food is perfectly reasonable. Don't apologise or be wishy washy.

Good luck.

I would tell dd that the boyfriend can only stay 1 night per week. That would help you with the food situation. And him staying at all depends upon her pulling her weight in the house.
I would pay her a bit to get the kids from school but not for helping out in the house - she lives there and should help out. Apart from a bit of pocket money for getting the kids I too would shut the bank. Of course she doesn't think £25 is much money. She can just tap you for cash when she wants it without having to work. In being soft you are not helping her develop a work ethic.

If you don't toughen up you will have these two on the dole and living in your house when they are 25!

I wouldn't negotiate compromises with her - think about what you want for your house and then just tell her that's how it's going to be. You will be doing her a favour in the long term.

You give one person two chicken breasts in a meal?

We eat two chicken breasts between a family of four in our evening meal.

Buy cheaper cuts and slow cook/casserole them and provide lots of potatoes and veg.

I wouldn't be giving my 17 year old that sort of money. She has to earn it herself. I would only ever continue to top her phone up if she didn't have a job, just for my own peace of mind.

It's no surprise that your DD hasn't done up her CV and got a job. She doesn't need one while you are bankrolling her.

The impending arrival of the baby is a perfect opportunity to reclaim your house, limit the number of times the boyfriend stays over and give him a time limit to be up and out of your hair when he is there.

Stop letting the boyfriend stay over at your house. If your DD does the jobs you ask properly then boyfriend can stay for 1 night, if she doesnt then he doesnt stay, this might give her more incentive than money.

Get the lazy sponger out of your house, you are being a mug by letting him stay nearly full time.

As others have said... you need to be more assertive... Currently, the more you give the more they take!!

It seems that the bf has virtually moved in... You need to make this clear with your daughter that this is NOT ok, if youre ok with him moving in... He HAS to pay a reasonable amount for food/rent. Or his parents have to give you money.. They are. Not paying for him are they when he is living with you ... It is not ok for you to support solely, these 2 young adults!!

Despite what you say I dont think you are ok for money... Didnt you say you have 20£ left a week?? This isnt a lot!

A pal had her 17 yr old niece to stay to attend 6th form in England. Her France- resident brother gave her 100£ a WEEK for her keep!

I think youre doing this for the best of reasons and it has backfired!

If he's dropping college too he'll likely end up dropping out entirely and be under your feet 24/7. You're right to address it and make changes before the baby arrives.
It will be 100 times worse having two grown adults sobbing around, being demanding and making a mess when you have a tiny baby to care for. You sound like a lovely, easy going woman, unfortunately they've taken advantage of that a bit. Some of the advice on here is great, I'd follow it and start making the changes now, it'll be tough while you're going through it, but you'll be so glad you did it.

its not that i have 20 left i just leave that in the bank incase its needed to fall back on. i do have money its just i choose to spend most of it on house stuff. like if i have paid all the bills have food in the house and have 100 left. i will spend 80 on say a new rug and curtains. leaving 20. so its non essentals. i dont actually struggle for money now and then i might but if i do thats sometimes my own mess up. its just before i could buy a shop and know it would last us. because i know roughly what will go and our portion sizes. oh and i dont give him 2 chicken breast he either helps himself or daughter feeds him. i dont always know till its to late. oh and there is no way i would give my daughter 70 pounds over buying food....

i think partly the problem is im being a mug we have worked that one out :/ but also i think im trying to parent simlar to how my dad did. and it felt like he was the best dad in the world. but then i think im quite oppisit to my daughter.

but i just got in from work and my daughter brang the subject of doing stuff and staying in bed. she said her bf was really peeing her of today she kept trying to get him up and he would not get up. and he does not understand how i can tell they/he/she has been in bed all day. i told her i can tell the cleaning has been slap dashed. i go in the bedroom its in darkness and it stinks. and he has the i just woke up expression on his face. i told her that its disrespectful and its not right. i said it dont matter if you/he has not had much sleep. i had 2.5 hours sleep the other day but i still got up at 6.45 to make sure 12 year old is getting ready for school. 7am i then get the 2 younger ones ready for school and off to school. i then come back get ready for work have about 20 mins spare and then of to work and get home about 3.30 ish. so i still have to get on with the day weather i have sleep or not.

i said about the take away and daughter said they did not know at the time. probably true.

im wondering if i forgot to close MN down this morning as daughter seems overly chatting about the situation :/

i was just talking about portion sizes and she was telling me the portion sizes he has at home are smaller than we have here. and his portion size is small as well maybe the size i would give to my 7 year. and thats why he is hungry. i said but then his tummy would be used to the portion size and he would get full on small amounts. i have said that he needs to buy his own food, he can have a drawer in the freezer and that can be his stuff. she seemed to think 2 chicken breast was reasonable. but i dont think she realised chicken breast is a bit different to a burger or a bit of pizza.

she said that he likes staying here because its not nice for him at home and he feels more at home here. and at home hes stressed. i have said that if he wants to carry on staying here then he needs to show some respect or he wont be staying here anymore. she also admmited that his parents would not have her stay there like he does here.

she has asked me if she can speak to him rather than me as she does not want him to feel bad. so im giving her that chance. but she has be really good in how she has come across. so fingers crossed

That sounds positive. It's maybe not a bad thing if she had read this thread.

Tell him to get his lazy arse out of bed and go home.

Stop feeding him.

Limit him to 1 evening a weeks as others have suggested. His parents must be laughing their arses off. As far as they are concerned he has pretty much moved out and in with you.

Of course he feels more at home with you. He does fuck all, his girlfriend gets given money to treat him, he lazes around in bed all day and gets fed prime cuts while those that do go without and then buys a take away on top!

Your DD is talking the talk but typical teenager does the minimum she can for you to STFU too.

It is down to you to tell him how much he is taking the piss.

well daughter has told him so have to give it a chance and see how it gos. he says hes going to stop coming up for a while. daughter also brang up weeing on the toliet seat and he went into one at her that hes always getting the blame like a little kid. but every male in the house has been told. and she has told him all of the above that i have spoken about. and he feels hes getting all the blame.

I agree with magoria. I certainly wouldn't be putting up with a BF/GF living with us and lying in bed all day. He has the bloody life of Riley! I wonder why he doesn't get on with his parents? Perhaps because he's a lazy git and they've had enough of him?

I will say your DD is NOT responsible for your kids though. I remember reading another thread of yours and she was expected to do a lot for her younger siblings.

I think you should just try the Mumsnet classic: "Sorry this isn't working for me. I'm afraid you won't be able to stay over any more, and you'll need to eat at home too. I'd be insisting on this when the baby came anyway OBVIOUSLY, because with a new mouth to feed I can't afford to support you as well. But I've had to bring it forward because it's not working for me now. So tonight you'll need go home. Before dinner. OK?"

as i have said over and over again spring she picks them up from school 3 times a week and gets paid for it plus her phone contract. and other bits and is allowed her bf stay over. thats not alot.....

i dont know you could be right about the lazy git thing i dont know probably are. he said theres often aguments at home. his money gets stolen and his things get sold. the furnitchure is broken. i cant remember what other things go on i think thats the main of it though. but then like you say he could be the same at home.

was just talking to daughter again and he does not understand our eating/food pattern. hes thinking 3 meals a day. in this house i do the little ones breakfast. they go school eat at school then at home have a main meal. weekends they all get their own breakfast and lunch and i do a mian meal. i eat an average of one meal aday. might get a snack if i feel like it but have no pattern and the 17 year old does the same as me. he has 3 meals a day at home. which is done for him. so i (think) maybe hes waiting for his 3 meals a day and its not happening. andf he keeps moaning at daughter about this 3 meals a day thing

balloon the thing is i dont want to have to tell him he cant stay because its really not a problem, well was not anyway. i just want him to get out of bed. have his own freezer drawer and buy his own stuff. he thinks daughter is telling me that hes staying in bed all day. he does not understand how i can tell....