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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a 'cheap' wedding is just fine?

175 replies

Noseyvalentine · 25/02/2015 11:30

First of all, apologies, this board seems full of wedding woe at the moment. Dp and I recently got engaged and have been looking at options for our wedding. I don't particuarly want a long engagement as we have other things we've been saving for, namely a deposit for a house, and I think the longer we put off a wedding the longer it will be before we can get a house as it will eat up those funds. We both have a very similar attitude towards money, we don't have a lot of it by any means as only dp works and we have three dc, but we're very good at living within our means and actively love a good charity shop! Ive looked into nearby venues and the cost is actually unbelievable, and in most cases doesn't include catering which can be up to £30 a head.
I'm more than happy to get a second hand dress, as really, I'll be in in a few hours maximum. But I seem to be hit with absolute disbelief when I mention to friends the corners I can cut. Favours for a start. I don't understand the obsession with buying each guest a piece of tat that they'll just throw away. Similarly, I'm a good baker and have every intention of baking my own cake. This was met with actual gasps of horror by my friend. My ideal day would honestly to get married at the church then bring everyone back here for a picnic. The problems with that being relying on the weather being ok, and also wether the garden is big enough. My house is a pretty modest size and not that pretty. My suggestion of people bringing a dish to share in lieu of a wedding present has also been deemed rude. I feel a bit stuck and deflated. As it is, we're looking at spending £6000 at least to hire and cater for a modest amount of people, less than 60, about a third of that number being children.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Am I being wildly cheap, and would you look down on my wedding? I think with some decorations my garden could look lovely, and yes I'd have to clean up afterwards but so what? It would save us thousands and we could even maybe afford a few days away afterwards too. Anyone had a cheap wedding and regretted it? Or an expensive one and still regretted it??

OP posts:
babybat · 25/02/2015 12:33

If your friends are a bit Hmm at this stage, I'd have a plan B in place for the catering - they might not be able/want to bring food. But buying in some nice things from Waitrose/M&S is still cheaper than 'proper' wedding catering, and not much more effort, and you could ask your friends to contribute the drinks instead. The right wedding is the one that's right for you, DH and your kids, whether that's big or small. Sod what anyone else thinks!

TheCuttingEdge · 25/02/2015 12:38

I hate the idea of bring a dish if I'm honest.

It just seems so, so cheap. Guests buy outfits, pay for travel, bu a gift/card and now have to provide the food.

Make your own cake, buy a cheap dress etc but I really think bring a dish is going way too far.

TheCuttingEdge · 25/02/2015 12:39

And I know you say being food in lieu of a gift, but everyone will buy something anyway, so it will cost them twice as much as well as the hassle.

angelinterceptor · 25/02/2015 12:40

I have said this before on here -

First of all - I made my own dress, very simple in style, but perfect for me, my DH bought a new suit, but obviously wore it again. Bestman wore a suit, and we had one bridesmaid and i just bought a lovely dress in a high st shop. No other clothes hire costs, as got my Dad etc to wear nice suits they already owned. None of the men had matching ties, cravats or cumber bands, as i hate that kind of thing, all match.

Flowers - I had 2 aunts, who like flower arranging, so we went to a wholesaler and bought a load of flowers. One aunt dressed the church, and arrangements for reception; the other aunt did my flowers, which were a kind of posy arrangement (i think).

Hair, make-up - myself obviously, just like i normally do it for a night out or party, more than capable of making myself presentable.

Car hire - my Dad has a really old car, not in great condition, but old so kind of get away with it. I got my brother to drive it, and we didnt get any other cars. Distance from home to church and to reception was less than 3 miles really, so seemed pointless.

Cake - a friend of the family baked this for me, she likes baking and was my SIL's mother, so kind of liked being involved. I just provided ingredients. My BIL, did the decorating of it, it was one tier, plain square and i wanted it white with daisies. I paid his costs and nice wine as gift. (actually got him another job or 2 on the back of it!)

Reception - in a borrowed marquee, in a field beside my parents house. Not a flash marquee, think one with wooden poles to hold it up, and canvas sides - there were no fancy drapes or chandeliers inside it. We just did lanterns and candles i think.

We also did champagne, tea/coffee and shortbread i think it was in the afternoon in my parents garden. (borrowed extra chairs etc from friends and family)

Food - i asked a friend, not her business, but likes to do bit parties and entertaining. We did a cold buffet style, loads of food and deserts. Wine and beer all bought by ourselves and free all day. Bought it in supermarket and borrowed glasses from Sainsburys.

Plates, cutlery and tables were all hired from a supplier.

Photography - my sister and her husband mostly did the photos, none are posed, mostly they are 'reportage' i think its called.

Our biggest expense was a band for entertainment - but they were really good.

It wasn't planned that way just to keep the costs down, but it doesn't bode well with me all the expense for one day, plus we didnt have that kind of spare money anyway. My parents would have paid for a traditional hotel reception and all the trimmings, but i wouldnt have liked it.

my niece is planning a wedding next month, and i heard that the cost per head (inc room hire) is £100 -

Notrevealingmyidentity · 25/02/2015 12:40

I think your wedding sounds lovely.

But maybe I am biased as it's exactly the sort of wedding I'd want too.

CrystalCove · 25/02/2015 12:43

You absoloutely do not need to spend a fortune on a wedding but you do need to set a budget and prioritise what you want to spend on. I think we spent about 2000 (16 years ago). I dont regret anything and loved what everyone did. I hired a professional photographer and booked a local social club hall which we decorated ourselves with balloons on the walls and floating candles on the tables.The barman at the club also did their catering so he did a fab evening meal, no fancy food (or the fancy prices charged by some hotels just because its a wedding!) and my friend did a buffet later for the evening part. My priority was feeing everyone - the best weddings are when people dont go hungry!

It was a bar so everyone paid for their own drinks, bar one round at the meal we paid for. Got the flowers to decorate the church from Aldi, and they were beautiful. My Mum made the pew ends, we all made the favours ourselves (just simple sugared almonds in a net) and I got a basket in a charity shop that they were put in. I found a nice cake in a cake shop I liked and got someone local to copy it.

My Aunt had a nice car that she decorated and took us to church in. All our kilts and bridesmaid dress were hired, my dress wasnt expensive. Everyone had a great day and night!

Its not that I think anything is wrong in spending a lot of money on a wedding I just think some of it is unnecessary and as I said some of the worst weddings I have been to seem to forget catering for your guests is important! I wanted everyone there to have a good time. Your idea sounds fab but like everyone else I would worry about the weather, I would definitely look for a local hall of some description.There are loads of websites therse days you can get wedding dresses from if you want to take a chance, Im planning on renewing my vows this year on a beach and have picked a lovely one taht is only 80.

Namelesswonder · 25/02/2015 12:45

I went to a great wedding last year - church service then everyone ( including bride and groom) into own cars back to their house for garden party. Food provided by local Indian carryout, big vats of 3 different curries, rice and naan. Everyone danced to CDs. Brilliant!

Do it your way and ignore anyone who doubts you.

ChillySundays · 25/02/2015 12:50

Only guests at mine were the two witnesses (our DC) and a meal afterwards. Nice non wedding frock less than £100. Know what people (read certain members of my family)are like at weddings bitching about this that and the other so didn't bother.

CrystalCove · 25/02/2015 12:51

Dont suppose OP you are in the West of Scotland? I bake cakes now as a hobby and if you got the ingredients I would bake you a nice wedding cake!

sparkysparkysparky · 25/02/2015 12:52

As big a fan as I am of sensibly budgetted weddings, not sure about pot luck. If I lived locally, I'd be fine with it but if I had to travel far not so much. I'd obsess about food storage etc.

mardyelsie · 25/02/2015 12:54

We got married in a registry office, then went to Pizza Express for lunch (just family) In the evening we went to the pub with our friends. I made my dress, and bridesmaids dresses for my daughters and a shirt for my son. We didn't have a photographer (hate having my picture taken) but BIL took a few pictures. A friend surprised me by making cupcakes with a lovely topper on the cake stand and taking them to the pub before we got there. It was a lovely day, and we spent £1000 including engagement and wedding rings.

Sagethyme · 25/02/2015 12:56

Hi OP, i think you need new freinds!! Your wedding your day. I made my own wedding cake, three tiers with fairytale design....marrying my handsome princess hahaha!!
I bought my wedding dress off ebay (bit of a gamble) but it was perfect! My friends loved the idea that their wedding presents to us was bring a dish (my family and his family where a bit sniffy about this....but in the end they had to agree it worked really well!) one of my closest friends (and head bridesmaid) is a potter and made us the most beautiful salad bowl, its now our fruit bowl and takes pride of place on our table!
My other bridemaids helped set up the nightbefore. Wedding favours were little handmade felt bags (made by me and friends) filled with cotton wool soaked in lavender oil for little scent bags....yep men got them too! I didnt have DC so did have plenty of time to make things in the evenings.
a wedding can be frugal and fab! Go and enjoy your day and don't worry about what others think my only tip, dont leave decorating the cake to the night before! I finished it at 2am [bush] Grin slightly stressfull!

puthyjip43 · 25/02/2015 12:56

I had 2 weddings (same groom!!)
One in Australia and one in Europe as he has a huge family who couldn't all get to Oz.
Oz wedding was $4k (50 people) and Europe $7000 (200 people)
All included cake, catering, drinks, decorations, music, band)
It's totally possible to do cheap and still nice. We get told all the time that our wedding was so much fun.

Sagethyme · 25/02/2015 12:57

Should be Blush!

FryOneFatManic · 25/02/2015 13:05

I'd be happy to provide a dish or several to a pot luck, it sounds lovely to me.

DP and I have been together 28 years, so if we ever do get around to marrying, a registry office wedding and a small family dinner will probably be all we do Grin

Noseyvalentine · 25/02/2015 13:14

Crystalcove, that's very kind but im about as far away from west Scotland as I could get! With the cake, I was planning to perhaps make several different kinds of sponge as well as a traditional iced fruit cake, as well as some cupcakes. That way everyone has something they like, especially the children.
The thing is, if I said no gifts, I really would make sure everyone knew I meant it and wasn't just being modest. Most of our friends are in exactly our position, young families muddling long trying to buy a home, and noone would have to travel, most could walk to the church and to our house, the furthest away is probably about a 20 minute drive. I wouldn't want anyone to buy a special outfit or go to any trouble. I know some will want to, but I really don't want that kind of day. No one would be obliged to bring anything and in fact, I'm always up for a trip around waitrose so I'd make sure we did actually have enough food regardless. I'd love to be able to have everyone for a whole day of fun, sit down eleventy hundred course meal, fabulous entertainment, but the truth is that's just not us. I don't think we're trying to impress anybody and really, that kind of day would set us back years in getting our house. That's just too big a cost for me, financially and for my families future. With so many children involved, I want more of a party atmosphere for them I think.

OP posts:
JustHavinABreak · 25/02/2015 13:18

I think you're spot on. We have been to so many hotel package weddings that at this stage, they all just merge into one. The ones that we have really enjoyed are the ones that have been unique like what you're describing. We did something similar for DH'S 40th and we were also worried about the weather particularly for older guests. It was a real family do. The oldest guest was approaching 90 and there were kids running everywhere. We also hired tables, chairs and table linen from the same place and got a really good deal. One really great friend roasted a pig on a spit and did some burgers on a bbq as his gift to DH and family helped me do a load of salads and breads and deserts. Total team effort.

I think starting to call it a wedding party rather than a reception and asking your mom and friends for help might engender the same feeling. And if it doesn't? Are they seriously the kind of people you want around you at such a special time anyway? I think it would a privilege to be involved. If they don't feel the same, turf em out!

Flowers for weddings can be really expensive too once you mention the "w" word so either leave that out of it or I looked into artificial flowers. They have come a long way since those twee little arrangements we would have seen in our Granny's house as kids! If I didn't know I would be hard pressed to spot the difference in a bouquet. There are amazing websites where you can order the flowers and assemble your own. I have a book that shows you how.

And the dress? You can have mine if you like. I'm not going to use it again and it brought me lots of happiness. I can pm you a photo and if you think you can do anything with it, it's yours with the book, my wedding gifts to you xxx

JackSkellington · 25/02/2015 13:25

Do what you want to do, personally I don't like big OTT weddings, I think your idea sounds nice and much more personal than a big, showy affair. Your guests will probably remember it more too, for the personal touches.

shaska · 25/02/2015 13:28

Your wedding sounds fantastic.

Your friends sound a bit odd, but I bet you've got a couple of good eggs, who when you tell them your plan will get wildly excited and offer to do things to help. Take them up on the offers!

My favourite wedding was one where 20 or so of the bride and grooms closest friends and family did the majority of the cooking/entertaining/organising (with bride and groom advice and some financial input). It was our gift to them, and everyone did the bits they were best at. It meant they didn't have to stress and could just have a lovely day, but it was dead cheap, and while a few of the food items were a little home made looking (my department) everyone had a ball, and it was just a lovely, lovely party.

Siarie · 25/02/2015 13:29

I think you should just spend what you want on a wedding, less or more. As long as you can afford it, that's what matters to me.

Noseyvalentine · 25/02/2015 13:39

Just, thats incredibly kind but I couldn't accept. That's far too much! I intended to just get my flowers from Tesco and wrap a ribbon around them Blush I know exactly what I want, white roses and alstroemerias so shouldn't be too expensive. It's a shame we had to move from our old rented house,mthen flowers in that garden were spectacular all year round, the garden here is bare and I don't know where to start. I might get a few potted shrubs to start to grow.

OP posts:
dixiechick1975 · 25/02/2015 13:41

If the church hall is a suitable size just not nice could you offer to paint it. I'd bet some other parishioners would assist and it would be nice for your wedding and the church using it afterwards.

We had a cheaper wedding and I've no regrets. Dress from monsoon sale under £100. Civil Ceremony in a council owned stately home inc flowers and drinks package under £1000. Buffet at home with gazebos in garden. Wine from majestic/free glass hire. MIL did flowers and 2 tier cake. No wedding cars. Did own hair/makeup. Printed own invites. FIL took photos.

chimchimini · 25/02/2015 13:42

In full agreement, it's YOUR wedding so you get to do what you want!

We had a tiny wedding because like you, it was more about the marriage for us. I did have a wedding dress and DH bought a new suit. We married at the local Registry Office, no bridesmaids, then back to my folks' house for a buffet. Friends took the photos, my MIL friend made the cake, I hand wrote the invites. I did buy a bouqet but we decorated the house with flowers from the garden. Wedding favours? Sorry but I just don't see the point.

My friend went one step further, the reception was at her folks' house and we all took our own food AND drink because they were absolutely broke. It was great, no one cared because we wanted to share their day with them, not free load off them. That was in all honesty the best wedding I have ever been to.

It's not for your friends' to judge how you want your wedding to be. You (and your children) need to have the day YOU will enjoy.

AmateurSeamstress · 25/02/2015 13:44

Do it your way. Sounds much nicer than at a random hotel.

One of my favourite parts of our wedding was our home made cake. We made some samples to find the best recipe (GH beat Delia!). DH, my mum and I baked them one weekend, having mixed them in a new washing up bowl as we didn't have a big enough bowl. My mum then fed them for a few months. I iced them the weekend before the wedding. We hired the cake stand and largest tin, and bought fondant, from a local cake shop.

Pot luck dinner might work, though it could be tricky for non-local guests and if your friends hate the idea too, maybe not. However how about targetting specific people who you think will be happy to help out in lieu of a gift?

Another option is, rather than having a whole day thing, see if your favourite restaurant can accommodate you and just have a meal. Some restaurants have function rooms upstairs you might not know about, or could give you a dedicate area, and only charge for the food.

netty7070 · 25/02/2015 13:45

We had a simple registry office wedding and a meal at a very nice restaurant. No evening do. My dress cost £400, the meal was about £1200. Several people said afterwards it was the best wedding they'd been to. So YADNBU.